Ecstasy

I don't own Degrassi.

Chapter Seven: Letters from Her

Clare laid in the full size bed with the blankets pulled over her body, his figure breathing evenly beside hers. She turned away from his naked back and faced the window that looked out over downtown Toronto. Sighing at the beauty of the lights and the life that shined with every twinkle and flash. The boy next to her shifted and Clare looked over at him making sure he was sound asleep, before throwing her legs over the bed and searching for her misplaced clothes.

Replacing her clothes in the right places she wondered when she turned into this girl, who sleep around with guys she didn't know, who wore nothing but black and dark grays, the girl who had abandoned her best friend in his greatest time of need. Though he thought he was the reason Clare wasn't talking to him, he was wrong. It had been two days after their worst fight, Clare wouldn't have gone over there unless something was wrong. She needed to talk to him to be in his comfort but when she found him, her heart broke into a million pieces. A third person in her life had almost killed themselves. She didn't understand it, take the easy way out. And quite frankly it pissed her off.

Walking out of his apartment building she headed back to her car parked down the road. Their relationship was a secret she didn't want no one to know that she was just with him so she wasn't alone. She didn't want them to know he did, indeed love her. Because she knew she would never, could never, love him back. Because he wasn't Eli.

As he walked through the halls of Degrassi he searched for Adam and Drew, knowing that they had both had dates with Fiona and Alli last night. They had been excited to finally find girls they could see something in. Eli, feeling jealous had set himself up for the praise of their new girl friends and the feeling of being a fifth wheel. They boys had tried to hook their friend up with many girls, multiple times but it was the same thing for Eli, boring. He could never be in a serious relationship with someone because that girl would never be Clare.

To everyone on the outside, Clare Edwards and Eli Goldsworthy hated each other. People blamed it on Clare loving Eli but him being to caught up in Julia. Others blamed Eli for being selfish and trying to take another person out of Clare's life. But no one knew the real truth, that as much as their facade read hatred, they couldn't hate each other. Though Clare resented Eli for not being there like he had promised so many times and Eli loathed Clare for saving him. They could never hate each other, because deep down inside of their bodies, they were still two best friends that had fallen in love.

Walking out of the school and into the parking lot, Eli glanced over his shoulder and saw Clare hanging out under a tree with Ftiz and Bianca, two people he didn't approve of. At all. Ignoring the ping of jealously in his core, he pulled his car keys out of his pocket and unlocked Morty, his hearse both Julia and Clare had helped him pick him out. After he had drove him to school the first day he got him, rumors flooded that Elijah Goldsworthy was obsessed with death. He didn't deny or accept the rumors, he just ignored the words. Starting the engine he being his sort drive home.

Ignoring the smiles of Cece and Bullfrog he walked up to his room and slammed his door, the mess captivating him immediately. Letting the back of his legs hit the edge of his bed, he collapsed on the queen size bed and looked at the ceiling. Blackness taking over as he closed his eyes and starting humming the tunes of his new favorite song. He was almost in a light slumber when he heard something fall from the top shelf of his cluttered book case. He opened his eyes and lifted a dark eyebrow while pushing his hair away from his face.

"What the hell?" he said aloud to himself before standing up from his bed and kicking through the mess.

Bending over he picked up medium size black box and falling back into his desk chair. He didn't remember this box? Then again he didn't unpack his room, his parents did. It had also been nearly two years sine he seen half the stuff in his room. Opening the box, he hesitantly picked up the three letters.

Eli

Clare

Andrew

He remembered the letters, he remembered finding them in his old bathroom, he also remember hiding them from himself. How had they fallen? Eli thought. Curiosity was getting the best of him, as he ripped opened the first envelope, to Drew.

Reluctantly he began to read it.

Dear Andrew,

If you're reading this then I had been successful with my suicide. Sorry about that. I know you must be going through a hard time, losing me after the biggest fight of our whole "relationship." I just wanted to fill you in on two things, I loved you. More then I've ever loved anyone. Don't get me wrong, Eli was my first love, first everything but he wasn't you. And I wasn't Clare. They were made for each other, and I know it. I just need you to get them together for me. Please.

Second, seeing you with Bianca, had broke my heart. You were the last person to see me Drew. My ripped up clothes, my bruises and cuts. And what did you tell me to do? You told me to leave and that we were done. I wasn't done. I would've never given up on you Drew. But I can't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself because this isn't your fault. Nor is it Eli's or Clare's. It was mine and mine only.

I just wanted to leave you with a final good-bye and say that I love you Andrew Torres, I always have and always will. Move on and be happy with someone you feel you see a future with. Because I wont be in it no more. I love you Drew.

Jules.

Eli felt his hands clenching the letter had his love for Clare been that obvious? And what about bruises and cuts? What the hell happened that night, without hesitation, he opened the second letter. His.

Eli, by now you know everything. That I was with Drew and you at the same time. Not because I didn't love you anymore, just because we weren't meant for each other. Don't grieve over me and don't let me get in the way of the person you want to be with, Clare. I'm sure it took you a while to open this letter, to read it. Because you were hurt, and I understand that. But now, that it is open and you're seeing my writing. I want to tell you, that I owed you everything. For taking care of me and letting me in. And for accepting Clare for Clare. She wasn't the Clare I knew, not anymore. She wasn't a Christian, I never asked why. But I know she told you.

I also want to thank you for putting up with my nonsense, I was bad on drugs. All of them, I always knew they would kill me, them or my mom. I guess they both did. I know you asked me not to go there but I did, you want to know what happened? She punched me, kicked me, and broke a vodka bottle on my head. I hope something happens to her. You, Cece, Bullfrog, Clare, and Drew were the only family I needed. I wished that you and Clare could have been together and me and Drew. I know we would've been good friends. I'm not going to apologize for being with Drew and loving him. Just like you shouldn't, never, apologize for loving Clare they way you do. And if you've lost her now, I'm telling you fight for her. Thats all a girl wants.

It might be blinded for you and Clare, but for everyone else. Even Adam, you to are hopelessly in love. You cant help who you fall in love with? Don't push her away, don't let her slip through the cracks because you deserve to be happy. With Clare. Fight, Eli.

I love you Eli, thank you for everything. Thank you for being you.

Be happy and love Clare.

Jules.

He now knew the truth, why she killed herself. Her mom. Who had died last year from a failed liver, he didn't bother going to the funeral, he also knew Drew and Clare didn't. Deep down in all of them they knew her mom had something to do with Julia's endless spiral. He also blamed Maggie, who was in Texas now living with her Uncle because she was out of control after everything with Julia, and Julia and Drew was let out. He didn't blame her for leaving, he wanted to. But every time he thought of running away, Clare's face popped into his mind. He wouldn't leave her. A new picture popped in his head.

The new Clare.

The one who partied and became a alcoholic. She didn't do drugs, Eli knew that. She saw what had happened to Jules, she wasn't stupid. Eli had also heard about her sleeping with Owen and Fitz, which made him sick. He remembered a conversation with Adam, who let Clare go after she told him about Eli. He told Eli that Clare hated kissing him. That she was scared and would flinch away when Adam went to touch her. Which didn't make sense to why she was sleeping around with the two most scum bags in the whole school.

Because Clare had a past that only Eli know about. And he was so confused with her actions, especially have what happened with K.C..

He stood up from his spot and grabbed the final letter. Knowing where to go and knowing he wasn't going to read it because unlike Drew, who had gotten over his grief, Clare hasn't. He grabbed his keys and headed to the Ravine.

Clare sat in Fitz lap as they joked with Bianca and Owen. They were talking about how they loved listening to Justin Bieber when they were high and it was a mystery. "I'm going to get another beer out of my car. I'll be back." Clare said getting up off of Fitz lap, he grabbed her wrist and kissed her, passionately. She wanted to barf, but held it back. They were official now, he had asked her after last period today. Though she didn't want to, she knew if she turned him down she would lose Bianca, who had became almost like a best friend to her.

So the rumor spread fast, that Clare Edwards was indeed, dating Mark Fitzgerald.

Walking to her car, she pulled out a beer and looked across the street, a black hearse under the light, a dark figure walking over to her. A serious look on his face, she should've ran and hidden. But she couldn't. Because by the time she processed the thought, Eli Goldsworthy was standing before her once again.