A/N: So this spawned from a conversation that I had with Daughter0fNone about Altair and his nonexistent dead cat. There is also a picture (Coming soon!)

Basically, it's just some kind of related nonsense.

The Cat

When they finally managed to crawl out of the back room, clothes on but wrinkled, hair rumpled, Malik could only think to ask one thing:

"How did you end up in a brothel anyway?"

Altair- still groggy and useless from the nap after their last round, made a sound that was supposed to be a question, but came out as a few garbled syllables.

"With the whores, how did you end up in the brothel so they could swarm you?"

"She insisted on me walking her home."

"A prostitute asked an assassin to walk her back to her brothel? Priceless."

"What?" He was grumpy now- initiate: wake-up sequence 1.

"Only you, Altair, only you."

"We were being chased by guards, what do you want from me?"

"To know why you were in a brothel."

"Does it matter? I think we've covered the fact that I don't like women well enough for one day, don't you?"

"I'm curious and you've taken my work from me, so, entertain me."

"I'm not here for your pleasure Malik."

"Yes you are, but that's not the point." The formerly hooded assassin groaned at the innuendo and bashed his head into a wall - initiate: wake-up sequence 2.

"We were chased by guards, Malik, so we had to hide. I wasn't going to kill the entire night watch!"

"Why not?"

"Because it would compromise the brotherhood. What is wrong with you?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm a bit annoyed that my entire day was ruined by a stubborn, idiotic excuse for a Grandmaster who insisted on keeping me from my work and-"

"You enjoyed it." Taunting - initiate: final wake-up sequence (3).

"That's not the point!"

"No, it's not."

"Thank you for finally seeing reason."

"The point is why you want to know what happened to get me into a brothel. Some kind of fetish of yours?"

"Novice!"

"Fine. So we went into the brothel, I hid her in a corner, gave them a sob story, they left."

"You? A sob story?"

"It was about a dead cat. They bought it. Idiots."

"You know, when you can call someone an idiot, it's frightening."

"Why? Because I'm intelligent enough to know the word, or because it means there are people who far exceed me in folly?"

"Both."

"So heartless."

"Your fault."

"So it is."

An image flashed through Malik's mind, highlighted against the backs of his eyelids, flashes really, but he could clearly make out a much younger Altair tending to some week-old kittens behind the kitchens at Masyaf.

He and Kadar had noticed Altair's stealthy retreats from their room every night. They were not suspicious, no, they were paranoid.

"Brother, do you really think we should be spying on Altair like this?"

"Just because you look up to him does not mean he is not a fool."

"What do you think he's up to?"

Malik had no answer to his brother's probing questions, so he motioned him to be quiet. Their prey was difficult to corner and easy to spook.

"Are those cats still alive?"

"Hmm?"

"The cats you used to take care of, are they still alive?"

Altair nodded. "Yes, I see them from time to time. They're around."

When Malik was politely 'asked' to take over the duties at the Jerusalem Bureau, he had seen the other assassin kneeling in an alley, hand outstretched, and he had thought nothing other than 'arrogant bastard' at the sight. But now, feelings those feelings of jealousy and hate had passed, and he realized just what the other had been doing. He couldn't quell the desire to see the other swarmed by the cats. Somehow the thought of Altair swamped under a pile of fur was nothing short of adorable.

"Good."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you crying at me over some dead cats."

"Aw, you don't like seeing me upset?"

"No. You're ugly when you cry."

"Malik, you've never seen me cry."

"I was there at your initiation." The one-armed Dai gestured to the other's left hand.

"That was years ago. And I don't think your eyes were exactly clear, either. So your vision must have been rather clouded."

"You aren't going to talk your way out of this one."

"I don't need to."

"Why?"

"Because I don't plan on crying over anything but your death, which you won't be able to witness, so your claim will remain unsubstantiated until then, and even after."

"You are an ass."

"Indeed. I do have a rather nice one, don't I?" He almost wished he had never wanted to see the other smile so widely. If he had known at the time just how arrogant and self-satisfied it would be, he'd have cut the man's mouth off. Or at least knocked in some of his teeth. Made him a bit less attractive, despite all the hubris there was something in Malik that burned at that look- threatened to break from his chest and overwhelm him in it's pure depth of emotion. But that didn't stop the familiar anger.

"Altair," Malik threw his good arm toward the bureau's open roof. "OUT!"

"See you tomorrow."

"And just where do you think you're going?"

"That brothel, of course. They do owe me a room. And they're far better company, you know. Much better than you, in several other areas as well. In fact, I believe I'd rather stay with them next time I'm in Jerusalem. Prettier by far, better bedside manner, female, I wonder why I bothered coming back at all." The rage that flared up in the rafiq's soul was enough to paralyze him. Add it to the uncontrollable jealousy, and Malik was lost, even though he knew every syllable falling from the other's mouth was false.

"You aren't leaving." And Altair's grin was far too smug for Malik to feel comfortable.

"That's what I thought you said."

"You played me- you ass!"

"Malik, you do it all the time."

"That's not the-"

"We've been through this."

"How are the cats?"

"Lovely. Kana had a few kits last year- rambunctious little ones they are, and they eat so much for such little things. Maximus is doing well, still a lady-killer. I don't think that one will ever change-"

"Altair, they're cats."

"And?"

"You gave them personalities?"

"I didn't give them personalities, Malik. They were born with them."

"Somehow, I doubt that."

"Fine. See if they don't bite you next time you're in Masyaf."

"Why would I be in Masyaf?"

"Because I cannot do this on my own?"

"You could."

"Okay, maybe, but it'd go so much smoother if you were there-"

"You're just lazy."

"Malik-"

"What is with the whining? Twenty years and you never make a sound, now, all of a sudden you're the Grandmaster and all you can do is go 'Maaaaaliiiik' like some kind of woman."

"But it worked so well. You want me to change tactics?"

"Yes."

"But Mal-"

"Like that's so much better."

"You're coming?"

"What does it look like?"

"Well, you could have been planning on killing me and hiding my body in that sack. Why do you need so many things?"

"Because I was planning on living here, Altair. With Al Mualim, I would have remained in Jerusalem. You know this."

"Good point."

"You fail to amuse me."

"I amuse myself, so it's okay." Still with that damn grin. Malik could kill him.

"I hate you."

"Okay."

"That's all you're going to say?"

"I don't want to repeat myself."

"You are insufferable."

"Get a new vocabulary, will you?"

"What?"

"You've said that like ten times in the past twenty four hours, Malik. It's gotten old."

"Novice!"

"That's even older."

"I hate you."

"We established that a few lines ago."

"I'll kill you."

"That'd be treason."

"I don't care."

"As long as we're clear."

"I'm leaving you here."

"Okay."

"Novice!"

Altair just grinned and hopped up after Malik.

"Don't you need a replacement?"

"I figured we'd just as the old Dai if he wanted his job back. He's been bored lately."

"That works."

"Oh thank you, great Grandmaster Altair. What would I do without you?"

"Die of boredom. Now let's go."

Sadly, it was the truth.

"I hate you."

"I know."

I hope you enjoyed the pointless, plotless madness that this chapter was. I didn't intend on posting it, but then I started sketching Altair surrounded by cats in one of my classes and I realized that I had to. If only for my own sake ^_^

Thanks for reading, please, review if you have anything at all to say to me. I don't really care too much about what it says, just any indication of how you feel about this would be lovely.

-Kirrae