Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I make any money or have any rights!

Alright! I know I've got enough fic's on the go, and a load I've yet to post, but I have meet the arch enemy of all writer's! Writer's Block! *pokes at writers block with a stick* Evil! With luck this fic will be so bad that it'll break this evil writers block!

Got these lists from Muggle Net's fun lists! So don't own these lists, just using them to destroy your friendly neighbourhood writer's block!

Thanks for beta'ing Draco!

11 come backs for when Voldermort says 'I'm going to kill you'

1. "What did I ever do to y..oh, never mind."

"And I mean that's so not on, you know?"

Voldermort let out a groan as he looked around his throne room to see if any of his Death Eater's would help, but it looked like they were in shock still.

"And then Jimmy took it out and...hey, are you still listening?" Ginny Weasley asked as she paused in filing her nails to look at Voldermort.

"Yes I'm listening," Voldermort said with a sigh, he'd learnt his lesson the hard way with Lily Potter's famous temper when she had manage to hex his balls' off, "Carry on Miss. Weasley."

"Good, and I hope I get a nice cell, after all this is highly important information I'm giving you," Ginny said with a huff as she went back to filing her nails, "Anyway as I was saying, Jimmy took it out and..."

Voldermort let his mind wander while keeping an ear out for the female, what had gotten him into this state? Oh yes, now he remembered, let's just say it involved a pair of pink fluffy car dice, a set of muggle playing cards and a small bell.

"I should have never won the poker game," Voldermort muttered in parseltongue under his breath as he sent a glare at Ginny who didn't seem to notice.

"Then Thomas came along and decided to have a ride on it," Ginny's voice continued on and on, "Come to think about it you'd think this is one of those 'adult' stories, but it's not."

A sudden pop echoed throughout the meeting room to show a small House Elf with large blue eyes looking at Ginny.

"Yes?" Voldermort asked as he tried not to sound too excited at the thought of being able to escape, "What is it?"

The House Elf looked up slight, twisting it's ears in a nervous gesture, "I bring what young mistress wants."

Voldermort then watched as the nervous House Elf held up his hand to revile muggle bubblegum.

"Oh thank you, you're just a sweetie," Ginny coo'ed at the now blushing House Elf as she took the bubblegum, "You're a great help, I don't know what I'd do without you."

The blushing House Elf then disappeared with a small pop causing Voldermort to mutter something along the lines off, "Why can't I be a House Elf for at the moment, then I could get out of here."

A loud and sharp pop suddenly brought him out of his thoughts, turning around quickly to glare at whatever had made the sound, with the female Weasley's insane talk about gossip he had a large headache, only to find Ginny sitting on his lap, her arms wrapped around his neck, she was leaning back slightly to give a small 'pull' at Voldermort's shoulders yet it was not that that surprised Voldermort.

It was the fact that somehow the girl had managed to become even more annoying just by chewing gum.

"Girl," Voldermort said slowly as he gripped his throne tightly, "If you do not get rid of that bubblegum...you'll regret it."

"No," Ginny said with a small huff as she began to chew, "It's not my fault that you're in a bad mood, you know sex would do you wonders."

"What!" Roared Voldermort causing the Death Eater's to shrink back in fear, "I'm going to kill you!"

"What did I ever do to y...oh, never mind," Ginny said quickly as she left the meeting room by portkey, she heard Voldermort let out an angry scream as she left. Ginny let a small smirk come to her face, mission accomplished, Voldermort and her dad wouldn't be playing poker any time soon, especially when it involved her as the prize.

Voldermort let out an angry scream as the Weasley Girl disappeared thanks to a hidden Portkey, "How dare she! She'll be the one I kill first."

"Errr...My Lord?" a new Death Eater asked, taking no notice of the other Death Eater's who was trying to pull him back into line, "I thought that position on your list was for Harry Potter."

The next thing the new Death Eater new was that he was now a pile of ash with two eyes.

2. "Oh, ha ha, you got me! Am I on Punk'd? Where's the camera guy, huh? Where!"

"Oh, ha ha, you got me! Am I on Punk'd? Where's the camera guy, huh? Where!"

"I am not joking!" Roared Voldermort, "I will kill you!"

"Yeah and I love you too," Dudley Dursley said as he rolled his eyes, "Now for a hidden camera show don't you think that this set up might be a bit too much? I mean on the show's that I watched-"

Hearing enough Voldermort shot a random spell at Dudley, anything to get the boy to shut up, only to find that the spell had hit the boy's giant body and bounced off of it like a large beach ball, returning his own spell.

"Now you're taking your role to far, the jig's up," Dudley said as he looked around the steps that lead up to Voldermort's throne, "I want my prize, I want to know where the cameras are hidden, I want mum and dad, I want food!"

Voldermort and his Death Eater's flinched as the boy's lists of demands was repeated over and over again, each time his yelling grew louder.

Finally Severus had enough and stepped forward, offering Dudley a glass vile filled with purple liquid.

"Blackcurrant," cried Dudley as he suddenly stopped screaming, "Give!"

Severus watched with a smirk as the greedy boy quickly drank the whole vile.

"That wasn't blackcurrant," Dudley complained as he harshly placed the glass vile back in Severus' still open hand, "I want another one!"

"What the hell," Ranbastain swore as he looked at the elephant like child, "He just drank an entire vile of Dreamless sleep in one go, yet he's still up! It was brewed by Severus as well!"

Mutters echoed throughout the meeting chambers, Voldermort in too much of a shock to stop them.

"Here," Severus said as he handed Dudley another Dreamless sleep potion, "I believe that Blackcurrant juice must of gone off, try this one."

Being the idiot he is Dudley took the potion from Severus without second thought and drank it in one full movement. A few seconds later a dull thud was heard.

"I've decided," Voldermort said rarely as he looked at Dudley's sleeping body, "I won't kill this boy, no matter how annoying he is."

"My Lord?" Bellatrix asked, "If I may ask, why not? Killing a member of Potter's family would be just a strong and worthy thing for you to do."

Voldermort let his lips turn into a glare at the sleeping boy, "I'll send him to Potter; the brat should wear Potter down enough so I'll have an easy go of it for the final battle."

3. "Wow, you're even dumber than you look, and that's saying something. What kind of idiot tells their victim what they're about to do? I'm ready for you now!" *Prepare yourself by getting into various Matrix positions, beckon him with one finger*

Voldermort let out a pleased hum as he walked around a stone still Collin Creevy.

"Tell me boy where Potter is and I won't kill you," Voldermort said darkly as he used the shadows to their full advantage.

"Why would I tell you where he is," Colin cried out in defence of his hero, "Harry's doing what he needs to do and I'm playing my part so shut up."

"But where's the fun in that?" Voldermort asked as he came towards Colin, "I think I'll crucio you, then I'll turn you inside out followed up by a cutting hex then another round of crucio, then and only then will I say the spell which mean's your death. Then I'll send you to Potter by owl post, bit by bit, body piece by body piece. Think Potter would like it at breakfast time?"

"Wow, you're even dumber than you look, and that's saying something. What kind of idiot tells their victim what they're about to do? I'm ready for you now!" Colin cried out as he pointed a finger at Voldermort, "Let me get ready and we'll fight to the end!"

Shocked Voldermort and his Death Eater's watched as Colin started to stretch which was soon followed by Colin placing himself in multiple positions that needed a lot of strength and flexibly.

"What is he doing?" Voldermort asked, a vein appearing on his bold forehead, "Why can't he just die?"

"Sir," Lucius said slowly as he looked at Colin who was beckoning Voldermort with one finger, "I believe that the position's he is using is from a muggle movie called 'Matrix'."

"And how do YOU of all people know about MUGGLE movies!" Voldermort yelled.

A few seconds later another pile of ash with two eyes meet the first one on the floor.

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy.

4. "And she's all 'F.Y.I., he's so into me and not you.' and I'm all 'Yeah, right, whatever.' Oh, I'm sorry! Did you say something?"

"How did she get back in?" Voldermort demanded as he sat on his throne, Ginny Weasley sat once again on his lap with her nail file while chewing bubble gum.

"We don't know my Lord," Wormtail stuttered as his eyes darted to the two piles of ash with moving eyes, "She just...appeared...out of nowhere."

"And what about the guards?" Voldermort said darkly causing Wormtail to squeak like the rat he was, "Weren't YOU on guard duty when she 'appeared'?"

"Well my Lord," Wormtail stuttered as he slowly backed away, "I think that's she's punishing you for going back on your word-ack!"

Voldermort blew the tip of his wand and looked at the pile of rat like ash with two nervous eyes, "Now then, I'm going to kill you, no one tells me who I can and cannot play poker with!"

Ginny blew another bubble from her bubble gum, "And she's all 'F.Y.I., he's so into me and not you.' and I'm all 'Yeah, right, whatever.' Oh, I'm sorry! Did you say something?"

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy, and Peter Pettigrew.

5. "Why do you have to be so mean?" *produce fake tears and throw a tantrum*

"And then in the cartoon they broke into song!" a hyper Bellatrix as she hugged her stuff toy butterfly, "There were pretty colours too!"

Voldermort let out a groan, "What the hell has happened to Bellatrix?"

"It seems that Potter and his friends got their hands on her," Severus said as he came forward with a deep bow.

Voldermort's respect for the golden trio was raised a few pegs, "And just how did they manage to turn Bellatrix into THIS."

Voldermort pointed to Bellatrix who was having a one way conversation with her stuff toy butterfly.

"By tying her down and making her watch Waltz Disney movies for a month," Severus said with a quick sneer at Bellatrix.

"That is evil," Voldermort said with a shudder, "Then to get Bellatrix out of her misery there is only one option."

"My Lord?" Severus asked, a feeling of dread building up on him.

Voldermort pulled out his wand, "I'm going to kill her."

"NO!" Bellatrix cried out with wide eyes that began to fill up with fake tears, "Why do you have to be so mean?"

Voldermort let out a groan as Bellatrix then proceed to carry out a full blown temper tantrum and cry fake tears.

"Do you want me to do it for you my Lord?" Severus asked as he shot a silencing spell at Bellatrix who was screaming and waving her stuff toy butterfly everywhere.

"Together," Voldermort said simply, "She's caused us enough problems I think it's only fair."

"Very well my Lord," Severus said with another one of his low bows.

A few minutes later a pile of ash with two wide eyes and a stuff toy butterfly joined the other three pile's of ash with eyes.

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy Bellatrix Lestrang, and Peter Pettigrew.

6. "Uh, I'm not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEEP!" *take off running*

"I will kill you!" Voldermort roared at Fred and George Weasley.

"Uh, I'm not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEEP!" The Weasley Twin's cried out together before running off at top speed.

"What happened this time?" Crabbe Sr. Asked with a sigh.

"The Weasley twins' thought it would be funny to dress the Dark Lord up as a pile of paperwork, so when anyone walked passed our Lord while sleeping on his throne they'd just see a pile of paper work," answered Goygle Sr. With a sigh.

"I think that our Lord looked great," Judson said before suddenly realizing his mistake, "Oh Merlin's balls."

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy Bellatrix Lestrang, Judson, and Peter Pettigrew.

7. *cackle with laughter* "You sound like a girl ! Hey honey, come listen to this guy talk!"

"How dare you mock me," Voldermort hissed out as he glared at the muggle phone one of his Death Eater's had brought him, "I will kill you."

A sudden bought of laughter came down the phone, "You sound like a girl!"

Voldermort tightened his grip on his throne as he heard the male on the other end call out to someone, "Hey honey, come listen to this guy talk!"

"Whose idea was it to give our Lord a muggle mobile phone?" Nott Sr. Asked with a sigh.

Travers raised his hand proudly, "It was my idea, this way our Lord can threaten muggle's without leaving the mansion."

"Looks like we'll need a special corner," Nott Sr. said with a sigh, "If this habit of the Lord's continues."

"What habit?" Travers' asked, not noticing the spell coming towards him.

"You're about to find out," Crabbe Sr. Said as they watched Travers turn into a pile of ash with eyes.

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy Bellatrix Lestrang, Judson, Travers and Peter Pettigrew.

8. "My dear snake-man, I must say your manners are quite poor. I have just the thing!" *put on record and sing along* 'Please - say - please - and - thank you for saying thank you!'

"Oh my, oh my," Healer Smith said as he looked at the results of the diagnosis, "Your stress levels seem to be down slightly, but I don't think that your followers are enjoying your new way of relieving your stress."

Voldermort looked over to where the Healer was pointing; they had created a special corner where they would place the pile of ash with eyes that was a person. At the moment it held the six Death Eater's. A newbie Death Eater that Voldermort had not even known the name of, Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrang, Judson, Travers and Peter Pettigrew.

"It's how I run things around here," Voldermort said with a glare he did so hate these monthly check ups with Healer Smith, "And if you're not careful you'll be joining them."

"My dear snake-man, I must say your manners are quite poor. I have just the thing!" Healer Smith cried out happily as he waved his wand causing a record player to appear, suddenly a song began to play and Healer Smith began to sing along, "Please - say - please - and - thank you for saying thank you!"

"You were warned," Voldermort said with a suffering sigh as he once again waved his wand and Healer Smith joined the corner of 'pile of ash with eyes'.

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy Bellatrix Lestrang, Judson, Healer Smith, Travers and Peter Pettigrew.

9. "Are you a joke? Clearly you're a joke!"

"Are you a joke? Clearly you're a joke!" Lavender Brown said as she continued to flutter her eyes at Voldermort, "I mean for you to win me in a game of poker, what an idiot you are!"

Voldermort felt like nodding his head in agreement, why did he keep playing poker, when it got him into these types of situations?

"I'm going to kill you," Voldermort said again only to be shot down by Lavender again.

"Stop joking around," Lavender said with a roll of her eyes, "I mean your soooo weak!"

"Seems that our Lord's got better at controlling his anger," Nott Sr. Said as he watched the girl talk about how weak Voldermort was, "I pity the idiot who get's in his way when he finally looses it."

"Why can't he just kill the girl?" Severus asked, having just walked into the throne room.

"Seems that this morning 'someone' placed a disabling spell on his wand making any spells meant to hurt or kill someone not work," Nott Sr. Said with a smirk, he was enjoying this.

"That's good, seems someone's realized that our corner is getting full," Severus said as he pointed to where piles of ash with eyes was.

"Your joking!" came the voice of Lavender Brown, her voice sounding like a screeching harpy.

"I wonder if it's possible," Severus wondered as he looked at Brown going at his Lord.

"What you thinking Snape," Crabbe Sr. Asked with narrow eyes.

Severus turned to the waiting Death Eaters and with a serious face said, "Has our Lord found someone he wants' to kill more than Potter?"

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy Bellatrix Lestrang, Judson, Healer Smith, Travers and Peter Pettigrew.

10. "I'm sensing some self-confidence problems. I hear they have an excellent psychiatric ward at St. Mungo's...and while you're there, maybe you could have them do something about your nose."

A loud roar came from the throne room causing all of the Death Eater's to flinch.

"Who's the idiot who got kidnapped by Potter and his friends and forced to watch Disney movies?" Avery asked with a sigh.

"Nothing of the sort," Regulus said with a shake of his head, "Blame Healer Smith's replacement, Healer Jones, the idiots trying to get our Lord too...Well listen for yourself."

Regulus stood aside to allow Avery to look into the Throne room. Avery walked forward and looked through the crack in the door only to burst out laughing.

"I will kill you," Voldermort hissed out as he was dressed in a pink bunny outfit.

"I'm sensing some self-confidence problems. I hear they have an excellent psychiatric ward at St. Mungo's...and while you're there, maybe you could have them do something about your nose," Healer Jones said as if he was talking to a toddler, he then finished up with a tap to Voldermort's nose.

It wasn't too long before Healer Jones met the man he was meant to replace.

Death Eater's turned into pile of ash with eyes: A no name new Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy Bellatrix Lestrang, Judson, Healer Smith, Travers, Healer Jones and Peter Pettigrew.

11. "Oh yeah, and you've told Harry that how many times now? I'm soooooo scared!"

"Come back here!" Voldermort yelled as he chased a sugar hyper Neville Longbottom around his throne room, "I'm going to kill you!"

Everyone watched on in shock as Neville turned around and blew a raspberry at the Dark Lord before saying, "Oh yeah, and you've told Harry that how many times now? I'm soooooo scared!"

Voldermort fell to his knees as Neville continued on his sugar high.

"His wrong," Voldermort said with fire in his eyes, "I will defeat Potter!"

"Hey Voldie, I'm here to save you from Neville," Harry said as he walked into the throne room, "Where is he?"

Voldermort, to happy to care that Harry had somehow just walked into his throne room, pointed to Neville, "Get that damn demon out of here and never give him any sugar!"

"Alright alright," Harry said as he rolled his eyes as he grabbed Neville and dragged him to the door, "Oh and Voldie?"

Voldermort looked up to where Harry was holding onto a hyperly bouncing Neville, "What Potter?"

"Prophecy fulfilled," Harry said as he waved his wand at Voldermort.

"Oh pooie," Was all that Voldermort managed to get out before he joined the others in the corner of 'pile of ash with eyes'.

The End!