Chapter 11

Observant

Gilbert flopped down on the couch. He had come up beside it, collapsing over the arm so his legs were now hanging in the air. He felt a small breeze on his head as Matthew plopped down beside him, just avoiding sitting on the albino.

Supper had been a simple affair, the two tired from a day of Canada showing off another one of his museums. It wasn't anything too extravagant, but Gilbert had enjoyed the excitement the Canadian had held throughout the day as they had meandered through the building's halls. It was a smaller museum unfortunately, and they had soon found themselves heading home. Now it was still rather early, and the two lapsed into a moment of silence as neither made a move to talk or turn on the TV.

Gilbert's mind began to wander, or maybe it was just addressing thoughts that he'd been pushing away all day. It had been almost a week since Gilbert's nightmares had returned. The first night, the Canadian had come rushing to his room, his footsteps clearly thumping through the old house as Gilbert had tried to regain his bearings. In that moment though, he couldn't help imagining a shining pair of army boots slowly clipping down a hall; his mind twisting the erratic thump of a man surprised out of his sleep.

When Matthew had burst through the door, Gilbert had begun to remember where he was. He quickly collected himself, reassuring the blonde that he was fine and needed no help. The other had been hesitant to leave, but eventually Gilbert had gotten him to go back to bed.

Since that night, Gilbert had tried to retain utter control of his dreams. He had managed to make it so that he hadn't woken up screaming again. It was something at least. He didn't want to disturb Matthew every night with his problems. What could the other do to help anyways? There was no point in him knowing what was going on.

And the nightmares weren't his only problem. The Voice still remained, a taunting existence flirting around his mind. It nagged him, trying to slip in suggestions and notions to demoralize him. At the museum today, they had passed a display of old weapons and tools. The Voice had seemed to hang around him, whispering in his ear. What would it be like to run that knife along your neck? Could you still survive a bullet to the head? If you willed it, could you stay permanently dead?

At the moment Gilbert had felt a chill run down his spine. He wasn't suicidal; he was still fully interested in living. At least thought he was. But the Voice did speak to certain fears of his, and would awake dark thoughts of wonder about them. He was now a part of Germany, but was he really? There were moments where he felt different from the other Nations, like he was slowly falling out of being one of them. He now found himself wondering if he would just someday disappear. He tried to push that thought aside; it was useless to brood over it.

His mind returned to the museum, a slight chill running through him. The Voice had continued to talk about things, speaking insanely about magics. It spoke of devising plans that would actually kill him, using the powers of others to reach a currently unattainable grave. When they had passed another display- this one of First Nations artifacts- the Voice became more excited. It spoke to him, pointing out a blade that it said could end all of his worries.

From then on Gilbert had worked especially hard to push the Voice down and away from his mind. A fear had grasped him at that idea. And it was fueled by the fact that he thought he had seen a sickening glow to that knife, one that spoke of Power.

But, that had to have been the Voice's doing. Though he had tried, he never could see something of Power. He had tried many times, but that was something he never found the ability to do.

Gilbert began to clamp down on his thoughts and took a deep breath. He began to run through different songs he played on his flute in his head, an excise he frequently used to calm himself.

While the albino collected himself, the blonde beside him jerked. Matthew had just caught himself falling asleep, and a feeling of free-falling had brought him back down to earth. He glanced over to the albino beside him, wondering about how well the other was sleeping through the nights.

Well, not really wondering, he had a pretty good idea. He wondered if it counted as an invasion of privacy to have a spirit watch his guest through the night. He blinked, already deciding that it didn't matter. He would admit to being more than a little worried about Gilbert. Whether it was known or not, Matthew was observant enough to guess that the other was slowly falling into some form of depression. He figured he had the right to worry about someone currently under his roof. And if Gilbert wasn't going to tell him what was going on, he'd just have to figure out what he can.

It was a weird situation for him though, for someone who usually distanced himself. He could feel it though, a protectiveness stirring within him. He wanted to help Gilbert, he could accept that. Why though, was another question. One he couldn't answer yet.

Regardless, he had made his decision.

He didn't know how he could help though. Both Nations continued the silence. Eventually, Matthew's mind turned away from Gilbert, and he groaned as he realized what tomorrow was. "Fuck, we got the conference tomorrow."

Gilbert jumped slightly. He looked up at the blonde, smirking. "Awwww, don't want to deal with that family of yours?" He had a sharp look in his eye, deciding to pick on an annoying subject for the other.

Matthew returned the look, first pouting before grinning slightly. "At least I'm not going to be the one who'll end up interrogated tomorrow by said family. They're going to eat you alive to make sure their "darling little Matthew" hasn't been hurt." Then he frowned, "They'll bother to at least do that." The blonde sounded unsure though.

It was Prussia's turn to groan. He hadn't thought of that prospect, and didn't relish in the idea of having to deal with Alfred and Arthur. Francis shouldn't be too bad, he hoped at least, since they were close. He turned over onto his stomach. "You better have a lot of beer for afterwards then."

"What? You think I'm not prepared?" The blonde stood up with a slight smirk, stretching out his back, being satisfied with the cracks traveling up his spine. "Fuck, we might as well start tonight."

Prussia shifted so he was sitting on the couch. "Ooo. The good boy wants to get smashed the day before he has to play host?"

Canada reached over and grabbed a throw pillow, aiming for the albino's face when he threw. "It's not like anything gets done on the first day anyways. And god, it's not like I can't hold my liquor."

Gilbert smirked as he got up, following suit and stretching like the Canadian. "Never said ya couldn't." He walked past Matthew, heading for the other's jacket that was hanging on the railing that led to the upper level. "I can drive this time, ja? I figure we're heading to that same place again, the one from last time."

The blonde mulled over it as he grabbed his coat and wallet. He sighed as he got to the door. "As long as you don't fuck up my truck. I'll skin you for that."

The Prussian grinned as he exited the house, and Canada wondered if his Ford would survive the night.

The bar was quiet tonight. It was weird for Gilbert, every other time he had been here it had been busy. It was only Eastern teams playing hockey tonight though. There was a baseball game, but it was two American teams, so Canada didn't bother watching.

Canada was quick to place an order, having already learned what Canadian beers Gilbert liked and didn't like. They both ended up drinking out of bottles. They eased into conversation, over time slowly getting more and more booze into themselves.

After some time as Gilbert finished another bottle, he peered over to the Canadian, intent on his question. "Is your family going to be that bad tomorrow with me?"

Matthew took a moment to sip from his beer. "Maybe, depends how much effort they'll be willing to spare tomorrow. You could say it comes and goes."

Gilbert raised an eyebrow, and didn't say anything, but Matthew felt like he had to. "Don't get me wrong. They're still my family and I know they love me, but we're not close in the way others might expect. Sure, Arthur and Francis are definitely the closest between each other with their relationship and all, but I still think it'd surprise others if they really looked at it. Well, I guess you should know a little bit about them since you're so close to Francis."

He paused for a moment. "But between the four of us it's different. Don't get me wrong we're close, but we all really like space. Me most of all. I think over time they're gotten so used to that others might see it as a little neglectful. It's not of course, I'd fucking kick some ass before it got like that. But people get so caught up in staying attached nowadays. I mean, look at fucking technology's done, someone can get to you practically anywhere with it with cellphones and all."

Gilbert snorted into his beer. "It's hard to imagine your brother's not texting you about something 24/7."

The blonde frowned slightly. "Well, yeah, you could say he does that. But it's not the same thing. It's all just useless shit to pass time, we rarely text about anything meaningful. He usually makes a call if it's something like that, and those don't come often." He took another sip. "You know my brother; he just needs something to occupy him. It doesn't mean it actually matters to him. He's not intrusive. Not usually at least."

Gilbert shrugged. "I guess I could say the same about my bruder- he's always doing something. Not like Alfred where it can be anything though; it has to be something he enjoys. That's why he's so freakin' huge. He spends so much time working out just to past the time. He somehow manages to work off all that god damn food Feli feeds him. He dedicates a lot of time to his different hobbies."

The albino stared into his drink, his eyebrows furrowing. "If he does something, he has to do it perfectly."

Matthew hummed, "And is he intrusive?"

Gilbert snorted. It was harsher this time, and there was the feeling of annoyance to his voice."Gott, mein bruder doesn't get off of my god damn back. You know, he's probably the guy who values his personal privacy the most, but you can't say that for the privacy of other people. He's always asking about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and sometimes I just want to punch him when that disapproving tone comes up. My brother's a giant hypocrite that's for sure. A giant ass too."

"But you love him all the same."

That made Gilbert pause, and he calmed down a little. "Well ja, he's family. Doesn't mean I absolutely adore him though. I mostly just think he needs a few swift kicks to the ass."

Matthew hummed, "Doesn't everybody once in a while." The blonde lifted his bottle, smirking into it but not taking a sip. "With your usual behavior, I bet you're overdue for one of those." He drank.

Prussia grumbled, and drank also. They slipped away from family, and continued to talk. A couple more people shuffled in over the night, but mostly people left the bar. They weren't the last patrons though, as they stumbled out, both on unsure feet. Canada laughed as he watched Prussia trip on a cement block in the parking lot. And the other made to angrily get up but fell back down again. The albino paused, "We need a taxi."

Canada nodded, and quickly checked his truck before he left it in the parking lot overnight. Only after making sure anything that might be deemed valuable wasn't visible, and making sure that the vehicle was actually locked, did Matthew call for a ride. Not a taxi though, not this far out in the country.

Soon a man Canada said was an acquaintance drove up, and they both hopped into a black truck. Gilbert thought from looking at the man that they had woken him up, but the human showed no signs of being annoyed. He wondered if he gave Canada rides often.

During the ride they passed into silence. Though he wouldn't admit it, Prussia was leaning slightly on the Canadian the whole time. They both thanked their ride as they almost tumbled out of the truck, Gilbert quietly mumbling his thank you after the Canadian's grateful one. The truck pulled away before they had even entered the house.

They shuffled in together; a mess of giggles and burps as they worked their shoes off. Matthew was the first up the stairs, laughing as the other tripped again. Prussia grumbled and thumped on his way up, but the Canadian was long gone before he could get him.

Gilbert didn't even bother changing out of his clothes; he just flopped down onto his bed. He swung his legs up, splaying them as he got comfortable. His eyes fluttered closed and he quickly drifted off into sleep.

He heard a tapping noise, over and over again.

Tap tap tap.

It was annoying, a sound you couldn't ignore. It made him restless, like there was something crawling under his skin that he couldn't get out.

Tap tap tap.

He turned around, swatting away at nothing. The world was black, but there were still things to see. At first, the sound came from a pencil. Someone bored and sitting at their desk, dreaming they were somewhere else.

Tap tap tap.

Then, it was a phone hanging from its cord, banging against the wall. He could just imagine someone standing there, staring at the phone they dropped in shock because it was the bearer of bad news.

Tap tap tap.

Then it became a woman's shoes, walking towards some poor soul through that crisp white hall. She looks at him, false sympathy dripping from her face. It's a look she has perfected; this is her job. She's here to tell him "No, you're not all right. No, it's not going to be okay." And he just hangs his head because at the moment the world crashes down.

Tap tap tap.

And then the world explodes.

The tapping's louder, it has multiplied and now it's its own orchestra. Somber colours bleed into the world, and they rush around him. The albino grabs his head because it's too much, he can't stay calm and there's a low whining. With wide eyes he realizes that the whining's coming from himself and he can't hold it together any longer. He's crying and the world falling down and one tapping sound becomes isolated from the others. The other sets fades but that one gets louder and he feels like it's coming towards him. He curls up into a ball willing the sound away, but then suddenly it's right there in his ear and it's pain, pain all over and he screams, screams, screams because it's too much and it won't stop and it won't stop-

Gilbert was screaming again. He had kicked his blankets to the floor and his shirt was twisted around his body. There were tears on his face and a sob wracked his body as his door flung open. He jumped as out of the corner of his eye he saw something come at him, but the other was faster and soon two arms were wrapped around him. He squirmed until realized that they were gentle, and that the other was even trying to rock him back and forth like a child.

He laughed at that, a short bark in between his cries. Matthew just pulled him in closer, and Gilbert found himself wrapping his arms around the other. The blonde was saying something, but Gilbert didn't know what. He couldn't pay attention. The nightmare was still wrapped around his mind and it wouldn't leave him alone. He still heard that tap, tap, tap, even though he was awake and the sound wasn't real.

Matthew was humming now he thought. Or maybe he just wanted him to be humming. Gilbert had always found music calming. That's why he loved the flute, even if he wouldn't flaunt that talent.

They stayed like that for a while. Gilbert held on to Matthew with an iron grip, pulling at the other's shirt. After a while though, his gripped relaxed. Matthew looked down, noticing that the albino had fallen back asleep. They were lying on the bed now, and he slowly tried to wiggle his way out from the arms of the other. One move though, and Gilbert's hands returned, pulling him back in closer. The blonde stilled. He thought about moving again, but he was tired, and caved.

Matthew wrapped his arms back around Gilbert before drifting off to sleep.

Gilbert woke up alone in the morning.

My nerves will be the death of me, I know.

The Death of Me by City and Colour

Note- I think I need to stop making these large gaps between updates a habit. Honestly, I'd like to set a goal to have this story finished by the end of the summer, but with my streak I doubt that'd happen. I'll try though. Right now it looks like this story will have five more chapters and an epilogue, so it'd probably be more reasonable for be to hope to get half of those six chapters done. I think I'll try to expand on my rough outlines to get started on them all at least.

Thank you so much for reading, and I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to leave me a review. I love getting feedback from you guys.