He knows he shouldn't look, that is a something private, but he can't look away. Rodney is lying there, face first in the pillow and without any clothes. He is asleep, completely out of this world, universe even, and it was perfect.

John decided to take one look, and then leave.

He started at his feet. Ten perfect toes splayed out against the white of the sheets and attached to the arche of two feet. Rodney's calves are firm and John longes to let his hand slide over them, feel the hairs as they tickle his hand.

There are strong thighs and he wonders if they are sensitive. Maybe he could drive Rodney crazy with featherlight kisses and touches and he adds that to his list of things he will never know.

The next part is his favorite parts and he sighs in advance, two perfectly smooth, round and creamy white buttocks. Begging to be bitten and maybe even spanked. He shudders briefly at the idea. John can wonder for hours what they would look like if he spanked them. The firm flesh would wobble ever so slightly and bear a perfect red handprint.

He tears his eyes away and looks at Rodney's back. Muscles tense and painfull and he would massage them all out for Rodney if he knew that he could stop after the massaging part. But he can't so he bothers Carson and makes sure that he will do something about it. He still dreams about it though, his fingers working the broad back and shoulders, and they would be only his to touch. He couldn't be sure of course, but he suspected that he wouldn't even like seeing Rodney's own hands on his body.

Even though John couldn't see them, he knew where Rodney's nipples where. Little brown buts that where incredibly sensitive, they had been teasing him a lot. Standing up trough the blue material of Rodney's uniform shirt. Nestled in a little bit of brown chest hair.

Then last, but certainly not least was his face. His quirky mouth that was always quick with a snappy answer, his biggest weapon. And then his eyes. John never looked at them, because he was afraid he would drown in the endless sea of blue. Except that he did look sometimes and he could never shake the feeling that Rodney could see his soul with those very blue eyes.

"John?" Rodney's sleepy voice suddenly croaked, causing John to jump up.

"He buddy." he says, voice carefully blank. I love you, I want you, don't ever get this close to dying again. "I just came to see how you where doing." is what he settles for.

For a second his is sure that Rodney knows, and it is killing him.

"I am doing just fine." Rodney comment, but without his usual snide.

"Good, see you tomorrow." He answers curtly before fleeing, running away and he doesn't stop until he is in his own room, breathing hard.

If this had been any other place he would have given up his military career in a heart-beat. But this isn't any other place, and his changes of returning as a civilian aren't good. He would never ask Rodney to give up his dream, so he is stuck in an infinite loop with nothing else to do than settle for what he has, even though it isn't much.