Chapter 45- The Curse of the Dark Mark

"This is why I don't want to have bloody kids Lily!"

My eyes flutter at the sound of my brother's yelling.

"What does that have to do with anything? So because Mad-Eye got hurt and Kat-"

"You didn't bloody stop her!" He counters. "You saw she was making a bad decision and you did nothing!"

"What should I have done?" Lily argues. "Stun her? Like she would listen to me!"

A bang sounds through the room and my eyes snap open.

James must have smacked his hand against the door beside him. "That's exactly what you should have done! She only bloody listens to you."

"And why should I have James?" Lily rounds on him her eyes hard. "Voldemort never comes. He's a fucking coward. Maybe I wanted her to kill him. Maybe I thought we could end this. I weighed out the risk and the benefits and realized the benefits were greater!"

"Well it was a reckless, stupid decision and a lot of people got hurt because of it." I watch as he runs his hands angrily through his hair. "This isn't helping your fucking case to have babies. I'll say that much."

"I didn't know you wanted to have kids." I say quietly.

Both of their heads whip around towards me.

Lily's eyes softened considerably. "We talked about it once, remember the wedding day?"

I swallow thickly, my throat was scratchy and very sore.

But the rest of the me was numb. I felt as though my body was floating. I looked down and saw a thick bandage on my arm where my dark mark was and more bandages covering my hands.

"What happened?"

James sighs and moves towards the bed, he places himself at the end of the bed. "You made a stupid fucking decision that's what happened."

"I-" I shake my head. "Sirius, where is Sirius?"

"I'm here, love." I whip my head to the left and saw Sirius sitting on the other side of my bed in a chair.

The second my eyes met his, my heart clenched,

Everything came back. Torturing Snape, finding out Regulus was murdered by Voldemort, Sirius' screams, Regulus dead,using my dark mark to call Voldemort, Regulus dead, dueling Voldemort, Regulus dead, Moody loosing his leg, Regulus dead, Mary's back on fire, Regulus dead, the pain of losing my dark mark- Regulus dead. Gone forever.

"Oh." I find myself saying as tears spill down my face. I clutch my hand to my chest. My heart clenched painfully, like someone was holding it in a tight fist. "Oh." I say again. "I-I can't."

"Is it the fire again Kat?" Lily asks gently.

I shake my head. "He's dead."

Lily nods. "He's dead."

"Kat-"

"I called Voldemort."

"Yeah, you bloody did." Remus says walking into the room. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"I was thinking- I was so angry, torturting Snape wasn't enough. I needed more. I needed to hurt him."

"Yeah well you didn't just hurt him!" James snaps. "Mad-Eye, Mary, countless others. You put us all in danger for revenge! And you should have stopped her."

He turned to Lily again.

"Enough James!" She hisses. "I don't need to take this shit from you."

"Oh you don't?" He stands and glares at her.

"James stop it!" I yell, pushing myself into a sitting position. "You haven't been this James for a long time, don't revert-"
"Don't fucking tell me what to do Katarina Potter." He snaps. "You could have gotten yourself killed and Sirius killed- He was fucking comatose. He couldn't defend himself! You could have gotten Moody killed and Lily- You all could have fucking died! And was it worth it?" He yells. "Was it worth it to either of you?" he looks back and forth between Lily and I. "You two are both fucking stupid and could have ruined everything. You would make a shit mother." He focuses on Lily now. "Making decisions like this trying to get us all killed."

Lily stands up straight and holds her head up high.

"As far as I am concerned James Potter, I would rather die than have children with someone that acts the way you do, so we might as well take it right off the fucking table. Believe you me, I will never discuss it with you again!" She leans in close to his face. "Get the fuck out of this room. I don't even want to see you."

"Fine." He sneers and pushing past her.

"And don't fucking come back! You might as well spend that night at Sirius' and Remus'!" She yells after him before collapsing in the chair beside my bed.

"Anyone else have anything to fucking add?" She glares at the two men.

Sirius stands and looks at me. "While were on the discussion of stupid decisions. You will never make that decision for me again."

"I was trying to protect you." I whisper.

"Clearly you were the one that went temporarily insane. You should have never made me leave. It was not your decision. You do not get to treat me as if I can't handle myself. You should have also been forced to leave. It is your fault that Mad-Eye lost his leg. It's your fault that Mary is covered in burns and that Tom is downstairs still unconscious. Why do you think that you can handle things that I cant? He was just as much your brother and as everyone could see tonight you couldn't handle it. The great fucking Katarina Potter couldn't handle it, you were in way over your head."

I sit up straighter at that. Tom was hurt?

"Oh, that got through to you didn't it? Your Tom injured."

"Don't do that. Don't deflect why you're really mad with an old argument."

He shakes his head. "I can't even- I need some space."

I nod my head. "Okay."

"Okay." He repeats before turning on his heel and stalking out the door.

"Well Remus?" I ask.

He just shakes his head and walks out.

"We sure know how to clear out a room." Lily says with a sigh.

I reach out with a bandaged hand and rest it onto one of hers. "At least we have each other."

"We had to try." She says. "Didn't we?"

I shake my head. "It was rash and maybe I wasn't in my right mind but- but I had to try. He's hiding something."

It was then that I told her about Regulus coming over and my suspicions about him causing a diversion yesterday. There was a reason for that attack.

"We should talk to Albus."

"I need to speak with him anyway. I think it's time I clear the air."

Lily nods. "He was downstairs with Mad-Eye earlier. I'll grab him."

Lily walks out the door and I flop back on the bed and close my eyes. I hear someone walking into the room but at that point, I didn't really care. I just wanted a moment. A moment to take it all in-

My thoughts stop as soft lips press against my own.

I blink my eyes open and stare into Sirius' grey ones. "I'm glad you're alive."

"I'm sorry."

"I wished you meant it." He says leaning back.

"I meant about Regulus. I'll miss him."

"I know." He takes a deep breath. "Bye Katarina."

"I love you." I call after him.

He stops dead, his hand on the door frame. He doesn't look at me. "I love you too." And then he walks through the door and disappears from sight.

I close my eyes again, I could feel a dull ache beginning in my left forearm.

"Hello Katarina."

I open my eyes and look into the eyes of Albus Dumbledore. They were not twinkling like they usually were. They were worn out, tired.
"I heard you did some really incredible magic today."

I shrug. "I guess."

"What did you need to speak to me about?" He sits on the chair next to my bed. My mind was slowly becoming aware that this was my room at Mum and Dad's house.

"I'm back in the Order." I stop. "Well if you'll still have me after today."

He nods his head. "Of course we will still welcome you back Katarina. Though I would like to make sure you know the seriousness of your actions."

"I truly believe it was for the good of the order." I say quietly. "Though I will not hesitate to admit it was revenge that was my first motive."

He tilts his head to the side. "You had another question for me."

"I'd like you to train me. The little wandless I did exhausted me. I need to do better. I need to be able to control it."

"I'd be happy to help train you. Are you sure this is what you want? You may have left the Order because of your anger towards me and Remus but your reason changed. You were ready for a normal life and a career."

"I will never have a normal life Albus. I was born a solider."

He sighs. "That is not all you are. You are a loyal friend, a great sister and beautiful intelligent young girl. You are not just a solider. You are so much more."

I nod my head. He leans forward and pats my cheek. "I'll let you get some rest."

"Sir, before you go about Regulus-"

"We will discuss your theories later. You've had a long day."

I guess Regulus was wrong, I'm not able to block my mind.

"No my dear, you are just on very strong pain potions. They tend to cloud over everything." Albus says with a twinkle back in his blue eyes.

I can't help the small giggle that bursts from my lips. "That explains the floating sensation."

He smiles again and slips out of the door as Lily slips back in. "Shove over." She says lifting the blankets up and forcing me to slide over as she climbs in.

She snuggles up to my side and I lay my head on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry." We both say at the same time.

"What are you sorry for?" We say again to each other.

"Okay, let me." I say with a slight laugh. "Maybe we shouldn't have acted so rashly. I put you and everyone else in danger."

"And I should have stopped you." She says leaning her head down on mine. "I knew you weren't in a right state. I could have gotten you killed. I didn't do enough to protect you. Maybe we shouldn't have sent the guys away."

"Its over now. We can't do anything about it now. And you did protect me Lils, you always have my back."

"And I always will." She agrees.

I let my eyes fall close as the sound of her deep breathing fills the room. I let my breathing match hers before the exhaustion takes over and I'm asleep."

XX

Waking up the next morning felt like a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. I could remember the pain, the excruciating pain that had made me go mad. I could still feel it in my veins but it was dulled now. According to Hestia, I would be feeling the fire for quite a while. The type of protean charm Voldemort had created to do this spell had terrible consequences for those that had it removed. I now see why he said most didn't survive it. Most probably didn't have friends and family to restrain them. They probably all ended up killing themselves. Much like I had been close to doing.

My body still felt as though it was floating. Hestia informed me she had been given me pain potions in my sleep. I wasn't to move for a very long time, a few days at the least.

So I sat in silence.

Lily was gone, patrolling for the Order. Mad-Eye was downstairs still recovering, not that I could ever bare to look him in the eye. Mary was healed and recovering at her Mother's house, Marlene thought it would be best since she was never the best caretaker. Remus was with Marlene doing who knows what and James and Sirius were at my flat. They hadn't been here when I woke up this morning and I doubt I would see them for quite some time.

My hands shook madly as I reached forward to grab my wand. I twirled it in my fingers and then threw it as hard as I could across the room with a scream of rage.

What the fuck had I been thinking?

We could have lost everything, we all could have died. And Regulus. I shake my head and bury my face in my hands. I could have saved him. I should have went against his wishes, talked to Albus, followed him, gone with him, anything. I should have been there. Instead he died alone, in a pit of Voldemort's infreri. That is not the death he deserved.

My stomach churned at the thought and a gag made it's way out my throat. If I had anything in my stomach it would have surely made an appearance.

But here I was, 4 in the afternoon and I hadn't had anything to eat. Didn't really want anything to eat. I hadn't seen anyone really but Hestia when she came into check on my healing and to feed me more pain potion. She warned me that it was the only thing keeping the fire away and to be perfectly honest she had said, she didn't know when the fire would stop.

There was a lot more damage done to my body that I originally thought. Besides the horrible concussion I had from banging my head, not once but twice on the concrete, I had also cracked a few of my ribs, my left leg was broken and my hands were covered in ugly red blisters from when I had attempted to protect my face from the flames. I had felt nothing of the pain while dueling.

Tomorrow we would have an Order meeting. My first one in several months. And of course it was after I potentially endangered the whole lot of them. What a bloody hypocrite I was.

I fell back on my bed and squeeze my eyes shut, wishing for sleep. It hadn't come, not when I tried around lunch time and not now.

My mind wouldn't shut off, the images of last night flashed constantly through my brain. I squeezed my eyes tighter. Nothing happened.

Lily had come in hours later and slid into bed next to me, her hand stroking my hair.

I pretended to be asleep. Even as Lily's breath grew deeper until she snored lightly beside me I still did not open my eyes.

When 5 am hit, I snapped my eyes opening seeing the light begin to flood into the windows.

I had never slept.

XX

"Should you even be up right now?" I turned my head to left and saw James leaning against the counter in the kitchen.

"Only to go to the bathroom really." I answered honestly, leaning on the cane Hestia had given me this morning. My hands were still bandaged tightly and it was more than difficult to walk now that the pain had come back.

As far as Hestia knew, I was taking the pain potion.

And the second she left, it was spit onto the floor and then disappeared with a wave of my wand.

"Should-should you even b-be here?" I grit out as a fresh wave of pain threatens to make me fall to my knees.

I resist the urge to clutch at my arm, as the invisible flames licked at my skin.

"No." He says, lifting up his mug and taking a sip. "Lily kicked me out remember?"

I walk slowly, towards him. My hands shaking madly.

"Kat-"

"I've got it." I snap.

He tilts his head to the side and stays quiet as I walk the pace of a turtle towards the counter.

I slide myself onto the bar stool and let out a sigh of relief.

"Kat, I think you should go back to bed."

I shake my head and close my eyes, waiting as the wave of pain passes. When it does I open them and stare into James' hazel ones. "We need to talk about what you said to Lily."

"Don't act like that's the only reason you came down here." He puts his hands in his hair. "You didn't even know I was here."

"No, I didn't." I answer. "I was actually sneaking to the fire place so I could floo to my flat. I wanted to see Sirius."

"Didn't he say he needed space?"

I grip the counter tightly, my knuckles white against the pain. "And your point?"

"Leave him alone Kat."

"No." I hiss out.

He glares at me.

"Talk to Lily."

"No."

"Then talk to me about what happened?"

"You know." He starts, his eyes hard. "I don't particularly want to speak to you either. You know what you did-"
"I am your sister James. You're stuck with me for life. Now get over it and talk to me."

He sighs. "She wants a baby."

"Okay, and?"

His eye brows go up. "Haven't you always been against children?"

"Yes." I admit. "I was but why not James, you love Lily. She's your wife, the way you treated her-" I trail off. "Wait a minute. You feel guilty. Is this about Lily possibly having a hard pregnancy?"

He looks away.

"Jamie-" I reach a hand out and place it over top of his.
"Merlin, you haven't called me Jamie since we were 11." He looks me dead in the eye. "This baby could kill her. The same why I killed Mum."

"James." I shake my head as the pain filled me again, not just from the flames. "You did not kill Mum. Rosier Sr. killed Mum. And I killed him."

"Yes but-"

"This is not your decision. Don't you think Lily should have more of a say than you're giving her? This is her body. And telling her she would be a terrible Mum, really James?"

He winces.

"You're a fucking asshole. You need to apologize and tell her the real reason you are nervous. And let Lily decide. This is something she wants, why would you deny her the chance to be a Mum?"

"I can't fucking lose her." He takes his hands out from underneath mine. "Or you or Sirius or Remus or Peter." He shakes his head. "Hell, even Tom and Katie and Marlene and Mary. But especially the 5 of you. I wouldn't survive it."

"You would James, you're strong enough."

"Don't fucking tell me what I am!" He yells.

I wince.

"I wouldn't be able to fucking handle it and there you went all caution be damned and called the darkest wizard of all time to duel you? You could have easily died. I know you're strong but look at you!" He waves his hands in front of me. "You are not a match for Lord Voldemort. And neither is Lily and Sirius could barely even speak let alone duel. You could have killed us all."

"I lost Regulus."

"So did I!" He shouts.

"Not the same way I did James. He was your family through Sirius. I know that." I say quickly as he opens his mouth. "But Regulus was one of my best friends. I knew him probably better than anyone alive. I abandoned him. I turned away from him at school when he needed me to push him the most. I fucking gave up on him. I know it, you know and Sirius knows it. Why do you think he won't speak to me?"

James' face turns blank.

"He knows it's my fucking fault. I knew him better than anyone and I let him walk into our flat tell us that he was going over Voldemort and I let him go at it alone." I stand up shakily on my feet. My leg seared as I put weight on it and my veins burned with fire.

"It's my fault. Everything-I killed him just as- just as-as good as V-Voldemort." My cane dropped to as I reached to clutch my left forearm gripping it tightly in hand. My fingers were stark white.

"Kitty, are you taking your pain potion?" James hurries over to my side.

I need to- If I could just make this pain stop.

Stop.

I tell myself forcefully. You are stronger than this. Ignore the pain Kat. Don't let him win. Don't let him win. Don't let-

"Don't let who win?" James asks placing his hands on my shoulders.

"Voldemort." I whisper.

He tilts his head in confusion.

"I'm going to get ready. I'll see you at the meeting."

I take the cane he hands me and slowly make my way out of the room, I focused as best as I could as my world threatened to fall out from under me.

The pain was unbearable.

"Kat, please lay down." James says from directly behind me. "Please don't go to this meeting-"

"Its time I clean up my own messes." I ground out.

I push open the kitchen door.

This time James doesn't follow me.

XX

Because of the bloody fidelius charm around Augusta Longbottom's house I had to floo to the Leaky Cauldron, unable to apparate by myself and hobble as best as I could. The meeting was starting in a few minutes but I didn't care. I had to wait for everyone to leave anyway before I left. James had told Hestia was I trying to attend the meeting and she informed me she was force feeding me sleeping potion so that I wouldn't come. Fat lot of use that did, it came right back up due to the lack of food in my stomach just as I knew it would and I was wide and awake and ready for the meeting.

About 10 minutes later I reached the house and slowly made my way up the stairs. It taken longer than I thought. I didn't factor in the stopping to yell at myself every few minutes to make sure I didn't cut off my own arm. I walked in the front door and off to the left where the large meeting room way. I pushed that door open and Dumbledore stopped speaking abruptly.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Hestia says in anger. "You didn't eat today did you?!"

"What does that have to do with anything-" Peter starts.

"If you don't eat, the sleeping potion won't stay down." Remus says cutting him off. "Which would mean it doesn't have enough time to take effect and are her fall asleep."

I shrugged my shoulders and leaned heavily on my cane. I was nearing exhaustion. I hadn't slept in over 24 hours, had nothing to eat in almost 48 and my body was falling apart.

Doc jumped out of his chair and placed a hand on my arm to help guide me to the chair. For once I did not say no. He slid me into the chair between Lily and Remus and I immediately placed my hand over my forearm. I squeezed my eyes tightly.

"Continue please." I say through gritted teeth as I could feel the eyes of the Order members staring at me.

"We have some new theories floating around about the attack two days ago-"

"You aren't taking your potion." Lily hissed into my ear. "I knew I heard you spitting something out this morning."

"What do you mean she's not taking the potion?" Remus says loudly.

The meeting stopped again.

"You're not what?" Marlene says backing up her boyfriend. "Kat don't you understand-"

"I am fine." It didn't come out as strong as I had wanted it to because a large flare up of fire burned through my arm. "Shit." I hiss, squeezing it tightly.

"You need the potion." Hestia glares at me from across the table.

"No."

"What do you mean no?" James snaps.

"I said no." I repeat. "I am stronger than that coward! I will not let him win."

"Kat what does that have to do with anything. We know you are not a coward-" Lily says softly.

"Stop that. Stop babying me." I tell her looking into her green eyes. "He did this to kill me. This pain, it kills people. I will not let him win. Do you understand me? I will fight this. I will fight the urge to cut off my own arm because that is what I want to do right now." I say through my teeth. "Do you understand and talking about it makes me want to cut my own arm off even more!"

Silence falls in the room. All eyes on me once again.

"There are some new theories about the attack." Dumbledore says speaking up and drawing the attention back to him. I give him a grateful nod.

"What kind of theories?" Arthur asks.

"We believe- And by we I mean Alastor and Katarina." I flinch at the sound of Moody's name. I still had yet to come in contact with him, he couldn't be here today for obvious reason and I was a coward in the fact that I would not seek him out.

I tune out the voices as they all began to speculate what Voldemort had been doing while all his death eaters distracted us by attacking Diagon Alley.

"We also have a few confirmed Death Eater deaths."

My ears perk up at this announcement from Doc.

"Yes, Ronald Pollux hit by his own Reducto curse that had been-"

"Deflected by me." Lily whispers in my ear. "It was going for the boys."

I nod my head. I briefly remember seeing that two days ago, watching the man get blown to pieces.

"And Regulus Black." My eyes snap to Sirius' as Dumbledore says this. "It is confirmed that Voldemort murdered him. He was taken down by the infer-"

"Could we please not?" Lily snaps, as Sirius closes his eyes tightly. "That is our family you're talking about so callously."

"Lily that is not-" Doc starts quietly.

"Don't tell me that's not my family." She says staring directly at him. "Sirius is my family. Any family of Sirius' is family of mine. He saved me and he loved us all and I don't care about the things he's done. And if any of you think that makes me a bad person or a death eater supporter think again! I'm a mud blood but when you mix family and war things aren't black and white! We should just leave his name out of our meeting and let him rest in peace!" She slams her hands down on the table.

Sirius stands abruptly and walks out of the room.

James, Remus and Peter stand as well and follow him out, the door swinging shut behind them.

"I apologize Lily, Katarina." Dumbledore says softly.

"Well now that we cleared out a large chunk of our members, I'd say we might as well post-pone this meeting." Franks says.

"I agree." Alice speaks up beside her husband shooting us an apologetic look.

"This meeting will commence in a few days, after Regulus Black is buried and his family has proper time to mourn him." Albus says standing.

I get to my feet shakily. Lily grips my upper arm tightly.

"Let's get the hell out of here."

I nod. Mary and Marlene head over to us, "I have firewhiskey." Mary says pulling out a large bottle from her cloak. "I thought we all might need it."

Lily nods. "Yes, let's go to my house."

Lily leads me outside. "Did you walk this whole way? You didn't apparate did you?"

"Merlin, no." I say quickly. "I walked blocks for a 15 minute meeting. I'm regretting that decision now."

She rolls her eyes. "I'll side-along you."

And she pulls me into darkness.