I Hate James

Chapter 1

Dear Logan,

I've taken it upon myself to tell you the truth.

For the record, I never, not once, ever lied to you about any of this. I just never mentioned it before. I am sorry about that. So, here it is. I hate James. Well, actually, hate doesn't really cover it. Despise is a better word for it though, it still doesn't cover it. Anyway, right about now, there are probably at least three questions going through your head: Since when? Why do I feel the way I do? And, Why did I wait until now, to tell you?

Okay, so, I guess I'll start with when I started all this. To be completely honest with you, it was the exact moment you came to me, that day, talking about running into James at his work. At first, it was just a little jerk in my stomach, so I didn't really think anything of it. Then you went on and on about how you liked him, and he liked you. The jerk suddenly turned into a…well, I'm not sure exactly how to explain, but whatever it was, it hurt. And as the days went on, and you continued about James, the feeling got worse and grew, and became even more painful…kind of like a tumor. And every time you say his name or talk about him, or I see that picture of you two kissing, I go crazy, and the pain in my gut comes back.

The reason I feel like this, is a little complicated…because I'm not exactly sure why. All I know is that I do, and there's only so much I can do to keep it quiet. But even I know that it won't work for long. I can't say I've never been jealous over you, because then I would be lying. The truth is, yes, I have, but never nearly this bad - if jealousy is even what this is. I'm not all that sure. All I know is it's a very strong feeling, and not at all good. Not with Camille, not when you liked that dude in 4H, was it ever this bad. There was a sting, true, but nothing this bad.

I've heard a couple different theories why this happening, and so far only one has come up more than once, and in some form makes sense. And that is that none of them were a threat, but James is. It makes sense, because it's true, even a little, if not much, much more.

The reason I didn't tell you seems to be the easiest of them all. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Come up to you and say I hate him, with a passion. I hate how whenever you talk about him or think about him, you get this twinkle in your eye and a lovesick look on you face. I hate how whenever he texts you, you sigh this lovesick girly sigh. And I hate how you get all excited when you're going to hang out with him, and get all upset when you can't. Is that it? Is that what you want me to do? Because if it is, I'm sorry but to me, it's just not right. I couldn't do it. Not to mention, I didn't tell you because you're happy. Truly happy. There's a quote, you probably know it; it says that "when you love someone, truly love them, then there's nothing you won't do for them…even if it means ignoring your own pain."

It fits here, because I love you, truly love you Logan. And since you're happy, that's all that counts. My feelings don't matter, only yours. Only your feelings matter here. So if you're happy, then I can deal. I can pull up my big boy pants and get over it. Which is what I'm going to do. I swear to you, I will get over this. I'm just telling you now, to either explain myself for doing what I didn't mean to, or to try to prevent it from happening. I'm sorry. I really am. If you're upset, I understand. If you want some time alone, okay. Whatever you want, I'll do it. Whether it be leave you alone, or whatever, I'll do it, without complaint. I promise. Just tell me, and I'll do it.

With all the love in my heart,

Kendall Knight.

I sighed and folded the paper. I stuffed it into an envelope, licked it, and sealed it. "Hey, Kendall." I jumped and turned to face the person the voice belonged to. Logan stood in the doorway of our room with an amused, crooked smile and raised brow. "We're all going down to the pool. You wanna come?"

"Oh, uh, y-yeah, sure." I recomposed myself. "I'll be there in a second."

"Cool," He eyed me for a second longer. I smiled, trying to discretely hide the envelope in my hand behind my back. He still looked a bit suspicious but fortunately let it pass and left.

I released the breath I was holding and quickly pulled a book off the self. It was an old and dusty, volume Z encyclopedia. It would be perfectly hidden there; nobody uses those anymore. And besides it's volume Z - Z and Q are the most useless letters in the alphabet. I quickly stuffed the letter between two random pages and stuck the book back on the shelf.

Feeling satisfied with the hiding place, I quickly changed into my trunks and went walked out to the living room where the guys were waiting for me. "Finally!" Carlos sighed.

"Yeah, what were you doing in there?" James asked leaning on Logan, using his shoulder as some sort of armrest.

I resisted the urge to glare at the tall boy, instead forcing a smile and rubbing the back of my neck. "I, uh, couldn't find my trunks." I lied.

James and Logan seemed to accept it but Carlos' look went skeptic (he was the only person who knew about my feelings for Logan) before turning back and grinning widely again. "Alright! Let's head to the pool!" He exclaimed in his usual Carlos manner.

We all let out cheers of agreement, I put on my usual smile and headed out the door.

A friend of mine inspired me to write this. Another friend of mine thinks that Kendall and James may have a little rivalry going on. And I agree! They may have a tiny, semi-friendly one, but can no one else feel it?

Totally crossing my fingers for this one.