A/N: Okay everyone this is my very first fanfiction so some criticism would be amazing :D. This is my all time favorite Bleach pairing GrimmxIchi. There has been a lot of unnecessary drama going on in my life lately so I figured I would writing to help deal with some of the emotions I have been feeling and this is what was born. I am sorry if there are any grammatical or spelling errors. Please let me know about them in the Reviews :D.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of the smexy characters :(

Dull, brown eyes stare back me as I look at my sorry reflection in the bathroom mirror. I run my fingers through my shaggy, orange hair out of habit before I begin setting up the tools I will need. Once I pull out the gauze, peroxide, and razor blades I look into the mirror once more and take in my full, pathetic appearance; a thin, pale face with a pointed, slender nose dotted with freckles, along with eyelashes framing such lifeless brown eyes. My orange hair is spiky and sticking out in all directions, and I have a strong, lean build from the many fights I have had due to my outrageous hair. I then begin to take a look at my inner self; my determination to always finish what I start, my dreams of leaving this god forsaken town to make something of myself, my devotion to my friends and family, and the ever present depression residing deep within the recesses of my mind and soul.

Just thinking about the depression I cannot seem to shake disgusts me. I do not speak to anyone about this sense of overwhelming sadness though. I do not wish to trouble all of the wonderful people around me with my selfishness. This feeling is something I must deal with on my own.

As I pick up the razor blade in my right hand, I begin to remember when my depression started all those years ago. The unrequited affection I held for my best friend became too much to bear six months ago, when he had asked his girlfriend of two years to marry him after our high school graduation. She had said yes, of course, and the marriage was underway in a matter of weeks. Not surprisingly, I was asked to be the best man and watch as the man I love dedicated the rest of his life to someone else.

~Flashback~

As I stand next to the happy couple in front of a church full f people I try to look at least comfortable in the current situation. All of my concentration leaves me when I see the groom turn and look towards me after the 'I do's' are spoken.

A devilish smile engulfs his face when his electric blue eyes glance at me from the altar and gives me a small thumbs up showing me how truly happy he is before he kisses his new wife. I feel my heart shatter into pieces, never to return to their original form.

~End Flashback~

I slide the new blade across my left wrist shallowly and a thin line of blood forms from the thin cut. I tremble at the small amount of pain shooting up my arm and I can't help but smile a bit. This pain is nothing to me when as I remember the jealousy that surged through me that day; the day I lost him forever. No physical pain I inflict upon myself can ever match the ache my heart felt on once the ceremony was completed. No, this pain on my arm is just a temporary fix, something to help me forget the pain in heart for a little bit. I continue my little session with my blade as I remember that day's events playing over and over again like a bad song on the radio.

~Flashback~

After the ceremony I watch as he picks up his beloved and carries her to the limo that awaits them outside the church. Once the door is shut with the newlyweds inside the limo takes off the club across town where the reception is being held.

As I get into my car to leave the church and head over to the reception, I feel an urge. It lingers in the back of my mind during the ride, and when I pull into the parking lot of the club I notice the new couple is greeting the guests as they enter. When the groom notices me approaching the entrances, his shit eating grin encases his face once more.

I feel my heart skip a beat and my face flush slightly in anticipation for his embrace, but I know to him the hug is nothing more than brotherly. I hug the large, and also muscular, man when he reaches me and hold on longer than I probably should have, but I just cannot keep control of myself when I am with him. When he pulls out of the hug I stare into piercing cerulean eyes, spacing out for just a moment.

"Hey! Earth to Ichi! Fuck man. Are you okay?"

~End Flashback~

I make another cut below my first as I think about the embrace and the deep, sexy voice he used to try and bring me back to my senses. This new cut is deeper than the first, and the blood flows more steadily down my wrist and into the sink. Thinking back to that day I realize now the urge I felt in the car on the way to the reception was the very beginnings of what is now my once a week ritual.

~Flashback~

I snap out of my dazed state when I realize he was speaking. I punch him lightly in the arm and I conjured up the most genuine fake smile I could, "Of course I am, Grimm. I'm just still in shock you found someone other than me who can put up with you arrogant ass." I mentally sigh in relief when my voice doesn't break like I know it should have.

"Shut the fuck up you bastard. So are you staying all night? I don't want to have to deal with all the pricks alone," he sneers. He has never been good at social gatherings.

I am about to refusing telling him he should grow up and learn to deal with people on his own, but the look in his eyes is almost desperate. I sigh out loud this time and visible roll my eyes, "Fine, fine. I guess I can stay and bail you out this time," what else can I say? I just cannot say no to the man.

His canines are visible as his grin grows ear to ear. "Thanks Ichi. You're the best, best man."

~End Flashback~

With the memories now running freely through my mind, the blade I hold works of its own accord. I make cuts of various sizes and depths wherever it my fall on the inside of my forearm, as that last line echoes relentlessly through my head. Those words made me realize that all I am to him is his best friend, his brother. He would never see me as his lover.

After I begin to calm down and the blade slows, I stare at my arm and the blood flows rapidly down my arm and into the white sink, staining the porcelain. I turn on the faucet and let the cool water wash over my fresh cuts and the sink, clearing the scarlet fluid from my arm and the sink. Once the blood has made its way down the drain, I take the peroxide and pour the liquid down the entirety of my forearm, covering all of my wounds. I hiss at the sensation of the cleaning fluid filling each laceration, the sensation being similar to that of cutting. It is but one more distraction from the thoughts waiting to bombard my mind when the opportunity rises.

Next, I grab the gauze and wrap it down my forearm making sure that none of the fresh marks are showing. Once my left arm is bandaged, I rinse out the last reminisce of blood from the sink and sit down on the lid covered toilet, not bothering to clean up my mess quite yet. I rest my head in my hands ad close my eyes, trying to calm my thoughts. They are still focused on that terrible day six months ago.

~Flashback~

I head inside the club after promising Grimmjow I would stay until the end. Naturally, the first place I go is the bar. I down a couple shots of tequila in the hopes the alcohol will help drown out the dangerous thoughts forming in the recesses of my mind.

Once I feel the alcohol coursing through my system I decide it would be a good idea to try out the dance floor. As I move closer to floor I feel more relaxed as I let the deep bass flow through my body. I begin to move in time with music and sway in time with other people around me. I close my eyes as my body follows the beat, entirely lost in the moment.

When I open my eyes again to see where I have ended up, I catch a glimpse of blue hair and I turn to see what Grimm could possibly be up to. When I spot him, he is, of course, with his beloved new wife. At this angle, with her back towards me, I can see the compassion he has for her and loving look he is giving her breaks my heart even further. Knowing that he will never look at me with those deep cerulean eyes full of love is something I will never grow accustomed to.

~End Flashback~

I stand up from my position on the toilet and return to the sink. I stare at the hollow of a person I have become once more before I take the razor into my left hand this time. Who would have thought that being ambidextrous would come in handy? I think as I begin the process again but I make the cuts on my right arm. I grit my teeth as the burning sensation runs up my other arm now. I love the feeling of my emotions becoming physical pain. The more I think of that awful day, the deeper the wounds become. I can feel the blood as more of it runs down my forearm as I lose myself in the moment for the second time that day. I am so lost in my own pleasure I failed to notice someone was in my house.

"Yo, Ichi! You here?"

By the time I understand that someone was in my room and about to enter my bathroom it was too late. The bathroom door is thrown open, and I snap my head up from looking at the masterpiece on my arm. I stare in horror at the man now looking at me with fury in his eyes.

"What the fuck is all this Kurosaki?" He says it low, almost like a growl, and causes a shiver to run down my spine. There is only one thought that is going through my head as I turn around to face him.

Busted.

Reviews would be amazing because I'm still not completely sure if I want to finish this or not so just let me know what you guys think :]