o2. i was put on this earth to ruin slytherin

Saturday 10th November, 1943.

"Did you go to the Hog's again last night, Snow?"

Ahh Lucinda, I sometimes wonder where you got all your intelligence from, such an enviable trait to have. What gave it away, was it the note I left for you or the stench of vodka vomit lurching from the bathroom this morning? "Yes."

I leaned forward to dump a few sausages on my plate, ignoring the furrowing of her brow. Braun, you poor creature, what kind of job would Slughorn give you? … Perhaps Groundskeeper. Replacing Ogg. You do have the same shaped beard after all.

I choked slightly into my pumpkin juice, imaging the brunette across from me with a gigantic bush on her chin.

"How was it?" There was an eagerness on her face that I'd seen before, whenever this conversation came up in topic to be fair.

I sighed as she pushed my elbows off the table, "Look, Lucy, I've told you. Come with me."

"Do you realise how many rules you were breaking?"

A hazy apparition of Tom Riddle's chest appeared in front of me from last night and I shrivelled my nose, "Three?"

"Jesus, Snow, you're already on a red warning."

Ah, the intangible and obscure 'warning' system. Introduced before Myrtle-gate. I believe Hagrid-the-ladykiller received the 'black' warning, or, in laymen's terms, was expelled. Another bright idea from Dippet. "I'm aware."

"Maybe you shouldn't go anymore. Plus," She began to gnaw on some eggs, swallowing before stating, her fork pointed at me, "it's weird."

I lowered her utensil with my index finger. "Enlighten me as to how you've come to this conclusion."

"What conclusion?"

Oh let's share everything the entire Great Hall at breakfast. I stared as Toby Stewart sat down next to me, rolling my eyes. He was hardly a friend and barely an acquaintance, but he liked to stare at Lucinda when she wasn't looking. Which, in my opinion, is a slight creepy.

"She keeps sneaking out on Fridays."

I glared at Lucinda, "Do you have the ability to shut your fucking mouth at all?"

Lucy was desensitised to my language, but I felt Toby stiffen beside me. "What do you mean, sneak out?"

"What the hell do you think I mean, Einstein?"

"Einstein?" Toby's eyebrows were approaching his hairline, two great bushy slugs that were in dire need of some loving.

"Are you kidding me? Einstein... Einstein!" At his perplexed look I gave up, chucking a slice of toast onto his clean robes and smearing them with thick butter. This time he swore.

"Watch your fucking language, Tobes." I grinned, leaving the great hall and Toby wiping at himself half-heartedly.

"Miss. Snow, a word?" I sighed, shoulders drooping at Dumbledore's familiar voice. Of course, I decided, Riddle has dobbed me in it. The little shit. I turned, plastering on my shit-eating smile and following his beckon toward his office.

To say I was infallibly bored of this place would be an understatement. The grotesque brown stone walls were less enchanting and more lacklustre, the pupils were less than entertaining, each and every one having to walk bolt upright due to a giant stick up their rectum and the teachers unashamedly sexist. Don't get me started on the subjects- Divination? No, thank you.

"It has come to many of the Professor's attentions, Miss. Snow, that Hogwarts may not be as fulfilling for you as it is other students." Dumbledore's eyes had that twinkle in them as I sat down across from him, folding my legs to the side.

I droned back in a fully monotonous voice something like, "Oh no, Sir, why ever would they think that?"

A small chuckle trickled down his beard and I exhaled.

"Well that is a shame, Miss. Snow." He curled his fingers together, eyes scaling the high walls of the room till they reached the Sorting Hat.

I knew he did it on purpose to drag my gaze there, although I wasn't fully certain why. Well, tell a lie, I wasn't even a little bit certain. I had no clue, but I decided to humour it.

"Why isn't the Sorting Hat in Dip- the Headmaster's office?"

Apparently I had asked the right question, because the older man sat forward, "I required it for a few days." It suddenly rose up and landed gracefully on the desk in front of me.

I watched, slightly perturbed at its wrinkly brown... face? Six years I had known about the magic world and yet some things still weren't right.

"Ah, Miss. Snow." The growly, masculine voice emitted from the material made me jump out of my seat. I coughed, sitting back down and offering a small smile.

A silence followed. Was I meant to reply?

"Hello... Hat..."

Dumbledore let out the tiniest gurgle of a laugh before his attention fell back onto the headwear with eager eyes.

"You were the most difficult student I have ever faced, my dear." The hat hissed out, a cheeky little tone twisting through the air.

The revelation made my brow fall.

"In what way? Surely it was simple. Hufflepuff was simply the only place that I was suited to" I scoffed, picking lint off of my shirt. "Because, let's be honest, I am not enough of a little devil to be a Slytherin. I mean, sure, I like to look in the mirror as much as the next person, but I won't do anything possible to achieve something because that, dear Hat, is far too much effort." I settled back into my chair.

"And nor am I as dull enough as a Ravenclaw to reject a social life to become an underpaid Auror. And Gryffindor, no man left behind? Behave. It's not big nor clever to sacrifice yourself." I shrugged beneath a fallen curl, tossing it back. It was only the truth and to be honest, I was finding this whole therapy session just on the right hand side of utterly pointless. "Hufflepuff. It's where I belong. I mean, minus the loyalty thing, and the patient and honest bits, I'm through and through a 'Puff. I have no other place."

Well, the Hat found this just fucking hilarious and Dimblydaw found it just as amusing.

"Oh Miss. Snow, you do speak so bluntly for a girl of your age." The Hat was quelling his chuckles as he bellowed out the sentence.

I let a tight smile form before folding my arms, "I'm awfully sorry, Sir, but what is the purpose of this?"

Dumbledore only nodded back to the Hat.

"Indeed. You really were my biggest opponent, Miss. Snow." Oh, here we go.

"I am sure you are aware, Miss. Snow, of your possessing the brain of a Ravenclaw. Perhaps a great one."

"Now, stop there, Hat. Bit extreme."

He merely chuckled, "Perhaps, yet if you strived for it, no soul could deny you the title."

"So why not? Why not put me in Ravenclaw?" My stomach was tight and yet I had no idea why.

"Because I saw you destined for Gryffindor."

I refused to grab at the hat and chuck it out the window, "So, indulge me. Why not Gryffindor?"

"You have this uncouth streak, Miss. Snow, although I do not mean to insult, which would drive the hearts of those Gryffindors to the tops of their sanity. Gryffindor is about team units, my dear, and I couldn't see you as able to adapt to this. You are, without doubt, born to be alone."

"Oh bloody fantastic." For some reason I felt sharp tears but sucked them back into my skull. "Slytherin? If I'm so bloody awful, Slytherin would be perfect, no?"

"No, I could not place you in Slytherin at age eleven for you are too fair of heart, whether you choose to believe it or not and would not have prospered within the dungeons. You are quite remarkable, my dear, in your ability to treat elves, ghosts, humans and all creatures in the same manner as each other. I can tell you that trait is not a popular one. There are factors within the world, my love, within this very school, that see most as below them. In fact, almost all see themselves as above one thing or other. And yet you... But on the other hand, Miss. Snow, you are the personification of a Slytherin. Your mind is quick and witty, your soul strains to be alone and your heart knows what it wants and will strive to achieve it."

Dumbledore cut in when I clenched my fists till the blood ran from them. "I think, Miss. Snow, it would be for the best if I tell you why you are really here. He withdrew a book from the drawer of his desk. The cover was browned leather, worn and embossed yet I couldn't see it clearly.

"Wait, Professor." I turned back to the mind fuck worthy Hat. "Why Hufflepuff?"

The Hat seemed to smile.

"I feared the other houses would ruin you." I frowned, feeling the muscles of my lips heavy. "Hufflepuff, Miss. Snow, would be the only place in which the future you are destined could really be catered for. There is a lack of necessity for one singular factor in Hufflepuff. They do not push for intelligence, nor glory, nor courage. Instead, those within Hufflepuff accept the extraordinary and indulge it's needs."

"So what now?" I gasped out.

"You are to make History, Miss. Snow. You will swap houses."

"What the fuck?" Both the teacher and hat visibly winced but I could only see red, I gripped my chair and stood up. Maybe in hindsight it was a slight over reaction but come the fuck on. Swapping houses? I know I hadn't made the biggest friendship group in Hufflepuff but I quite liked the power status I'd gained. "To what House?"

The Hat boomed one word.

And then I boomed a much more vulgar one back.

.

"I cannot believe this." Slughorn was muttering under his breath as he pushed his way through a series of doors down in the dungeons.

Well neither can I, you overgrown toad. I'm carrying all my worldly possessions through the school just because a hat wanted a bit of excitement in his life? Do you really think I want to be in Slytherin? I'll last a day, tops. An hour will probably be a struggle. You'll find me bound up on the astronomy tower by my feet with my intestines wrapped around my head like a crown. Or something as equally gross.

"Absolutely preposterous. No credentials of a Slytherin whatsoever."

"I'm rather good at Potions." I interjected. Despite the fact I haven't once been invited to your little club.

"You rather average at Potions, Miss. Snow. You clearly managed some sort of cheat within you exam, or perhaps you were just extremely lucky."

"Is this allowed? Like, are you allowed to say these things? Aren't you meant to be all exhilarating and supportive of your students?"

Slughorn ignored me, taking a sharp breath before entering the common room, where he had apparently called a team meeting.

As soon as I entered the room carrying a suitcase, shouts rang out in an incoherent roar.

"Oh, I am also most excited to be here. Thanks for such a kind welcoming." I beamed back at my new friends, spreading my arms out and bellowing into the noise, "Who wants the first hug?"

Slughorn rose his hand and slowly, the room became quieter. He beckoned Tom Riddle toward him, who had motioned that he wanted to talk.

"Although I'm sure there is a perfectly good reason, Professor, it seems that Miss. Snow has a suitcase?"

"Nothing gets past you, does it?" I murmured beneath my breath, gaining sharp eyes from a few of my new house buddies.

Slughorn almost burst into tears, "The Sorting Hat changed his mind concerning Miss. Snow and has, for some really unknown and frankly unacceptable reason, chosen to swap her to Slytherin." Yet another load of noise occurred, to which I just offered a bigger smile and a few waves to my adoring crowd.

"Although the situation is far from... ideal, I'm sure we can adapt Miss. Snow to the behaviour of a true Slytherin. Or at least attempt." He looked at me from the corner of his eye and I'm sure it wasn't but I took this as a cue for my speech.

"I can't wait to be a part of your big slimy family. When is it we hug, then?"

"Professor." A girl interjected. I recognised her from our year, Amanda Nott. "There are no spare beds, whatsoever." She cast her gaze to me, smirking. "She can't stay."

"Actually, there is one." Tom Riddle was saying, probably waiting for extra house points from Slughorn for problem solving. Loser. "Since Katie left, the female Prefect's dorm is empty. Surely we can re-elect a new prefect to the room and Miss. Snow can have the remaining bed."

The poor teacher could only take off his glasses, sigh to the skies and shake his head, "Miss. Snow has been... unfairly... given the title of Slytherin prefect, temporarily." Another roar went up.

This great idea was actually one of Dippet's, again. He had decided being under the watchful eye of Riddle would straighten me up and that the young man was quite able to prefect the entire house alone. Or something. I personally, was fine with the idea of an entire dorm half to myself. Bring on the big bed, I say.

"I guess that means, I'm in charge." I said, sticking out my chest and tossing my hair, aiming my perfect grin over at the Nott girl, who was furiously chattering with a bunch of evil eyed teenagers.

"Not at all." Slughorn reiterated with a sharp tone in his voice. "You cannot, thank Salazar, administer decisions without asking Mr. Riddle first. Your position is not with benefits, Miss. Snow."

I shrugged, "Win some, lose some." I flexed my weakening hands, "Now, where am I going?"

"I believe that is with me, Snow." Riddle barked, although politely in front of the Professor. There was a darkness behind his eyes that I felt sure would murder me in my sleep. Note to self, double, triple, quadruple lock door.

He led me out of the common room down a dark corridor and I swear I had to hold in disbelieving laughs all the while. What the actual hell was going on? Dumbledore just left me with a curious, cryptic line about me understanding one day why it was such a necessity I swap. Apparently, the Hufflepuffs had all sobbed when they found out I was leaving.

Albeit, with relief.

Don't get me wrong, I had no emotional connection with the house. I'd just do anything for an easy life and this would in no way be easy. And it probably wouldn't have life. I'm going to be mercilessly slaughtered in my sleep.

"That is your room." Riddle pointed at one door but stopped me as I turned toward it.

There was a silence... "Fabulous. I'll take my leave then, you handsome devil."

"Why are you here?"

I frowned, cocking my leg at the knee, "You know why I'm here, big boy, Slughorn told everyone."

Tom Riddle suppressed a snarl, smiling tightly instead and nodding, his back turning.

.

Insolent little bitch, they both knew the spiel the Slytherins were fed was a lie.

"Professor."

Slughorn clammed up as soon as the younger man made an appearance in his room, yet he tried to make his bones relax. Tom Riddle's presence was enough to make him quirk in his boots, the very thought was worse than humiliating. He smiled widely, "Yes, mi'boy?"

"I was just enquiring as to a more... refined reason for why Miss. Snow has joined us?"

Although a smile graced his pale lips, Riddle was already diving into the fat man's eyes and tearing apart his brain. He found nothing in there and nothing left the teacher's lips that he hadn't already known or heard.

Apart from Dumbledore's involvement.

The continuously suspicious Defence teacher was already on his case and so Tom would be a Muggle if he did not recognise the obviousness before him. She was here on the old man's will. A sudden need to laugh overcame his body. Dumbledore was a fool to send such a headstrong, pathetic creature as his little spy. Her vulgarity alone hardly gave her the stealth such a task may require.

It was his requirement to find out exactly what her plan was.

And he'd do anything for an answer.

.

Honest to God I could get used to this whole Slytherin thing.

Perhaps it was the utter silence as I entered the common room that I loved as it made me feel like some kind of Princess (about bloody time), or maybe it was the peace at the dinner table, at least fifteen seats away from any other living person. But either way, I could kind of get used to it. I did take a few minutes to fly up to Myrtle's bathroom and prance around in my new green tipped robes whilst she screamed on about me worshipping the devil. I also stopped by Hufflepuff's common room, where I was cornered by Lucinda.

It took me a good half an hour to convince her the rumours were wrong and I hadn't gone over to Slytherin because I was having it off with Slughorn and he wanted constant accessibility to me. Nor was I the one really at blame for Myrtle's death and so belonged in that house because apparently, that's where you'd put killers, not Azkaban.

I hate people.

But when she had calmed down and I'd made some stupid arse promise about going to see her every day for hours on end, she forgave me (?) and toddled off in her Hufflepuff way.

Sometimes I'm mortified to even know the thick bitch. Other times she brings me alcohol.

I slunk like the snake I am down to my new place of leisure, skulking around for a bit and checking out the stone walls and moving portraits. Salazar was especially ugly, all pointy angles and grey hairs in wrong areas. And the place is literally littered with snakey things.

A little bit more intimidating than Hufflepuff's racoon.

Is it a racoon? I mean, I should know, I did have it on my robes for nearly seven years.

"Riddle." I questioned, moving into our separate dorm, where he was sat at a desk with several books laid open. He didn't look up but I knew he was listening, "What do Hufflepuff have on their badge?"

He tossed me a look over his shoulder, "I'm trying to get on with my work, Snow, please don't trouble me with your jokes."

I stomped my way toward my room.

"Snow."

Riddle's voice had dropped considerably since I'd first seen him on the train in the first year. When his testicles had actually resided within his neck or wherever they come from. Now it was deep, like, major deep and did strange but addicted things to my thighs. I grinned and span to face him. "Yes?"

"You're a fool."

My smile only widened, "Goodnight Riddle."

people eat placenta. real placenta. cheeky bastards.