Gilderoy Lockhart was completely and utterly delighted.

"Do you know what day it, Alice?" he asked Alice Longbottom with an excited expression. "Do you, Frank?"

The Longbottoms continued to stare blankly at the wall, Alice chewing Droobles bubblegum.

"Miriam!" called Gilderoy, pouting. "They won't guess!"

Miriam Strout rubbed his shoulders and closed the Longbottoms' curtain. "Never mind them, dear," she said. "Why don't you ask Agnes?"

"She only barks."

"Oh." Miriam frowned. "Then how about you tell me what day it is, Gilderoy?"

"Today," said Gilderoy, waving his arms with excitement, "is the day we get a new resident!"

Miriam put a hand over her mouth. "Oh, no," she said, bumping into a chair. "I completely forgot…Gilderoy, sweetheart, stay here like a good boy while I'm gone, and when I come back, I'll bring a new friend."

Gilderoy smiled and clapped his hands. Today was going to be excellent.

Gilderoy was lying on his stomach, staring at one of his pictures, when the door reopened an Miriam, along with two wizards, struggled to restrain a screaming witch.

"This can't be right!" she shouted, trying to get out of her straight jacket. "I am not insane!"

"Oh, we know you aren't insane," said Miriam gently. "But someone called saying that you might need to stay with us for a while."

"It was Lucius, wasn't it?" demanded Bellatrix, looking at her wildly. "Lucius, Lucius, Lucius…I'll have some fun with him when I escape this hell hole!"

"Hi!" shouted Gilderoy, waving his hand with gusto. "My name is—"

"I DON'T GIVE A FLUFF ABOUT YOUR NAME!" screamed Bellatrix. Agnes began barking, and the Longbottoms started to whine.

Gilderoy was shocked. As far as he could remember, no one had ever treated him like this.

"Why are you acting so mean?" he asked. "Do you want my autograph?"

"I don't want your bloody photograph, simpleton," hissed Bellatrix as she was tied to a chair. "However…WHERE'S MY WAND?"

"You'll get your wand when it's time for you to leave," said Miriam firmly.

"When's that?"

Miriam ignored her and turned to Gilderoy. "Gilderoy, can you teach our new friend the rules of the Janus Thickey Ward?"

"Rule number one," recited Gilderoy. "No biting."

Bellatrix glared at him and then bit Miriam's finger.

"Ow!" exclaimed Miriam, pulling away her hand. "Bella!"

"Rule number two," continued Gilderoy. "No Lady Gaga."

Bellatrix screamed as Miriam confiscated all of the CDs she 'borrowed' from Lucius.

"And rule number three," said Gilderoy. "No torturing the Longbottoms."

I'll leave you in suspense.