A/N: this was written over texts in the middle of the night. your guess as to what it is actually about is as good as mine. really.

Once upon a time, there were these guys named Raivis and Peter, and they were so uninteresting and unimportant that no one actually ever wrote stories about them unless it involved sex and rape and sadness.

But this story is none of those things. This is a story about the one time that Raivis and Peter accidentally ran into each other at the grocery store.

Raivis had been let out of the house for his yearly exposure to the world, and he really wanted some ham. So, he went to the grocery store. And just as he was about to pick up some ham to examine its freshness, Peter ran into him. Like, literally ran into him. In a romantic comedy kind of way, where Raivis dropped the ham and they both fumbled over it and tried to talk at the same time, and Peter laughed and said You Go First, and Raivis blushed.

Oh, romantic comedies. You know how they can be.

It was awkward, but that's okay, because Food Lion just seems like the kind of place where awkward, romantic things should happen.

"I-i'm so sorry..." Raivis murmured, even though it wasn't really his fault or anything that Peter was a total bafoon. But whatevz.

Peter didn't seem to notice that Raivis was having a mini spaz attack, because he was busy shoving the ham into his pants. What? He was hungry and poor. And that's what pants are for, anyway.

"Why are you putting that ham in your pants?" Raivis asked. "I wanted it."

"Welllllp... I also want it," Peter replied.

Raivis was too hung up in the romantic moment to protest, so he just kind of let the stuffing of ham into the strange boy's pants continue.

"P't'r!" A rather scary, unintelligible voice shouted suddenly. "Th'r' y're. Y'r m'ma's w'rried s'ck 'bout y'."

To say that Raivis was frightened by the voice would be an understatement. And when the voice rounded the corner and turned out to belong to a tall, blonde man wearing nothing but frilly black underwear, he nearly fainted.

The other people in the ham 'n beans aisle didn't really seem to mind, however. Or notice, for that matter.

Oh, did you know that today is national husbands' day in Sweden? Maybe that was why Berwald was wearing something so damn sexy. It was probably a gift from his not-wife.

"Daaaaaaaad!" Peter whined dramatically, the ham still in his pants. "It's so embarrassing when you run around the grocery store in your underwear. Could you not? I'm obviously trying to create a hilarious and heartfelt romantic comedy with this guy here who dropped his ham."

Raivis was too distracted by Berwald's lace-covered junk to process what was happening, and started having a flashback to Valentine's Day 1986.

~*VALENTINE'S DAY 1986*~

It was 1986. It was also Valentine's Day. It was Valentine's Day 1986. And a man named Ivan was standing his bedroom trying to stuff himself into a very tiny Speedo. A very tiny, cheetah print Speedo, at that. However, he was having issues. Issues called, "someone's a fatass and can't fit into size small any more".

Just then, right at that very exact moment, Raivis, clad in nothing but fuzzy pink sweaters and pants and socks and the likes, walked by. And he saw things in Ivan's bedroom that no one ever needs to see.

Oh, Valentine's Day 1986.

THAT IS THE END OF THE FLASHBACK, WELCOME TO THE PRESENT.

"Oh, mother of God!" Raivis wailed. "Someone hold me!"

But Berwald and Peter were involved in an argument that was too stupid and difficult to understand to to type out, so I'm not going to. But no one came to the poor Latvian boy's aid.

He dropped to the floor, pained by the awful memories, and looked like he was having a seizure. Or like he was trying out some sweet new moves right there in the middle of the store. You never know with kids these days.

Then, as if by some miracle, a giant ham god descended from the sky and landed between Peter and Raivis. Peter saw the ham and jumped on top of it, sinking his suddenly Cullen-like fangs into its delicious, hammy flesh.

Soon, all grocery store shoppers were devouring the miracle ham and forgetting about their troubles.

Except for Raivis. He had a seizure and died about two minutes later.

But, amazingly, he was revived! Because Natalia still needed him for her crazy-ass experiments, and it wasn't even Easter, yet. His dying just would not do.

So yeah. He was revived. And he ran out of the grocery store, quite literally, at the speed of light.

The end.