A/N: this all started with a sleepover with my darling bagel, during which the world's worst AU was concocted. from there, it spawned a story, which has since been mislaid, so you don't get an introduction any more. hoorah.
all you really have to know is that toris gets pregnant a lot and the basement houses a sweat shop where underprivileged lithuanian children make nike shoes.
also, i'd like to dedicate this to our IRL soviet cosplay family, who are hilarious and wonderful and fun.

Warning: so um. there's this thing called crack that me and bagel are pretty good at writing. it's OOC, and it's pretty dumb, but we have fun and that's all that matters. please don't take it srsly though ;D

i don't own hetalia blah blah blah

This is the story of Toris and his shrine to Natalia.

He kept it in the back of his closet, hidden behind all his clothes. It was glorious. There were pictures of his beloved, clumps of her hair he had stolen from her hairbrush, and various articles of clothing he had taken from the laundry room, i.e., underwear.

It had all started simply enough, really. Toris had been changing the sheets in Natalia's room one morning. He went to grab her pillow, and a wonderful idea dawned upon him.

I should smell it, he thought.

And smell it he did.

Toris covered his face with the pillow and inhaled deeply. It was intoxicating. So, he did it again. It was like smelling Natalia, but less dangerous! Toris wondered what else he could smell of Natalia's. Her hairbrush? Her toothbrush? The possibilities were endless!

After stealing various trinkets he found in her room, Toris rushed into the bathroom and grabbed her toothbrush. He then began to use it. It tasted like Natalia. Toris just couldn't get over how exhilarating this was.

"Um. What…are you doing?"

Toris spun around, toothbrush still hanging out of his mouth, to see Natalia standing in the doorway, a horrified look plastered on her face.

"Oh. I'm…I'm just…doing m-my…routine t-toothbrush inspection." He smiled and continued to brush his teeth.

"Uh-huh. Yeah. This toothbrush seems to be in fine working order. Great." Toris handed Natalia her toothbrush back. "I'm so glad to see that you have such an efficient toothbrush, Miss Natalia."

She punched him in the face.

"Your disgusting little boy salvia is all over it now." She scowled and looked down at his pockets.

"What do you have in there?"

"Uh…n-nothing," Toris stammered. Crap! He had forgotten all about the underwear he had stuffed in his pants. He had it play this off, coolly.

"It's just my…underwear?"

Natalia grabbed Toris by his belt and yanked him toward her. She shoved a hand into his pocket and pulled out a pair of pink, frilly panties.

"You wear these?" She seethed through clenched teeth.

"Oh, of course! They…they don't ride up like boxers do, you know?" Toris tried to smile reassuringly.

Natalia rolled her eyes.

Fine, she though to herself, Two can play at this game.

"Well, Toris, aren't you going to check everyone else's toothbrushes?"

Oh shit. She had him now.

"R-right! Of course! I'll get right on that!" He tried to slide out of the room behind her, but she blocked his path.

"Oh, please let me go with you." Natalia smirked. "I've always wanted to watch an official toothbrush inspector at work."

What could he say? No? If he denied her request, she'd tie him to a metal pole on the roof during a thunderstorm like she had done to Raivis that one time.

And so, the two ventured into Eduard's room. Natalia took Eduard's toothbrush off the counter and handed it to Toris. His face turned green as he shoved the toothbrush into his mouth.

"Oh, so that'show you do it," Natalia commented sarcastically as she watched Toris gag.

"What are you two doing?"

They spun to face Eduard. He looked less than amused. Terrified, actually. His eye was even twitching a little.

"Toris is checking to make sure your toothbrush is in working order, Smelly Man." Natalia seemed to be enjoying this a little too much.

"…oh."

Toris spit the toothbrush out and leaned over the sink, ready to throw up. His mouth tasted like Eduard.

"Good God! What do you eat, man?"

"…food. Um. I'm just…going to go…walk my dog or something."

"You don't have a dog, Stinky McGee."

"I'll walk my calculator, then. Goodbye."

Natalia snorted and grabbed Toris by the arm.

"Come on, let's go check brother's toothbrush now!"

Toris was not above crying at this point. And, as Natalia pulled him into Ivan's bathroom, tears streamed down his face.

Natalia shoved her brother's toothbrush into Toris' mouth without a word.

Toris was sure that if he didn't die from Ivan's germs, he was going to die from embarrassment.

And, wouldn't you know it, Ivan decided right then to walk into the room.

He looked more terrified than Natalia and Eduard had.

"Why are you brushing your teeth in my bathroom, Toris?"

"Because that's where your toothbrush is, brother!" Natalia squealed in excitement.

Toris thought for sure that Ivan was about to faint. But, he regained his colour after a moment, and slowly began to back out of the room.

"I…see. Well…I'm…I'm just going to pretend I never saw this and…and just go back to my office. Do some paper work. Drink some tea. Yeah…So. You have fun with…that." Ivan exited the room slowly.

Later that night, after Toris had disinfected his mouth by drinking a gallon of bleach, (not the most intelligent idea he had ever had, but death would certainly get the taste out of his mouth) he went into his closet and uncovered his shrine to Natalia.

"Oh, Miss Natalia," he whispered as he placed a pair of her panties beside a used tissue he had found in her room, "I'm so glad that I got to spend time with you today. Even if it did backfire."

Toris smiled to himself. Tomorrow, he would steal her half-eaten piece of toast during breakfast.

The end.

written by Bodaciousbagel