A Bad Fanfiction about a bad Sekirei.

Author's/Note: My wife suggested that, as a treatment for writer's anxiety (I either don't believe in writers 'block' or believe it's something only real writers can have.) I intentionally write something bad. It felt good to write something 'for fun,' but clearly that Shuffle! fic was not enough.

I'm not going to edit this one.

I'm going to pretend I'm (basically) using a type writer and that it doesn't matter if it's bad, no, that it SHOULD be bad. I came up with an idea on the way to work today. I'm a phone monkey and can write when I'm not talking.

[]

Sekirei have big tits.

They have big tits and fight with weapons and powers that seem more magical than alien, but they're aliens. When you fight you have a tendency to get your clothes ripped and need lots of baths. I should have mentioned that Sekirei are kind of like porno Pokémon, but that would get the furries hot and bothered and move us from Ecchi to Hentai, from lots of nudity and implied sex acts to more money shots than you could pay for in a world where porn was free.

The porno Pokémon thing is, well, it works through kissing not jizzing, and the idea is that only an Ashikabi, a special kind of human (or not so special or every human is special etc.) can form a super bond with a Sekirei when they kiss. The crazy genius who found the Sekireis' crashed ship decided to send all 108 of them into the city to 'find their Ashikabi' then fight other Sekireis for the right to stay with their Ashikabis.

The 'hot battle chick who basically becomes your slave when you kiss her' part is great. The 'do I treat them like people and love them or treat them like tools' part is fun too, because sometimes one Ashikabi can 'wing' (when you kiss a Sekirei big beautiful wings of light shine out from their backs and they become yours, when their now Ashikabi kisses them again they get a temporary power boost) multiple Sekirei. That way we can get big mean pimps and sweet little wimps who can't believe their fortune/mixed blessing fate.

I live with one of the later.

I'm not sure if I prefer him to be the only one of the later. Most guys (there are a few male Sekirei out there, for the even rarer androphile male and female Askikabis, but never mind that) can barely keep one woman happy, much less more than one, much much less more than one when they know about each other. Sharing and exchanging love, like any other thing, are two different things. Sharing and exchanging, that is. Love is probably only one thing. I wish I were.

I'm a man whore, you see. I'm also a Sekirei you're not supposed to see. This whole situation, us all being woken up as young adults, given basic knowledge, extravagant clothes, and sent out into the Sekirei plan, makes me sick. The violence of it makes me want to be violent to the man who found us and made us into a game.

But that won't be easy and in the meantime I have to maintain a cover as a man whore while trying to protect Sekirei that don't like or don't get lucky with the plan. When I'm not man-whoring (let's not call it 'hosting' please, I'm a whore whether I'm pouring you tea and complimenting your hair or bending you over your husband's mistress's bed) I'm putting on my Sekirei costume and roasting rapists alive and seriously singeing any bully Sekirei.

Wielding fire is cool and all, but the reason I'm doing it freelance and not alongside whatever DNA/soul match my Ashikabi is supposed to have with me is that it's no coincidence that as male Sekirei go I'm the prettiest. I've got male equipment now, but if I do find my Ashikabi and that Ashikabi prefers female equipment I'll change to suit. That's the final chocolate cherry on top of this whole crazy cake and I'm not going to eat it. All the Sekirei are going to have Ashikabis soon and then I'm going to kill the guy who started all this. I'm going to kill him a lot.

But I'd better kill him soon because, of course, the Ashikabi that I live with has started giving me tits already. He probably isn't even trying, the…

Anyway. This journal I keep at the host club, that keeps the other hosts away from me between customers, is probably going to get burned up soon, like a lot of other stuff. I only started this entry because my last customer wanted me to evaluate her new tits. I said they were great of course, and that lie just set me off.

Damn. Now I wish another customer would show up so that I could stop thinking about all this. No. No I wish the last unwinged Sekirei could just officially be me already so that I can really-so that I can kill the bastard and probably myself. Hopefully that will kill the Sekirei plan and not also all the Sekirei. I don't know if we're siblings, cousins, or even if we're all from the same other planet, but this has got to stop before we stop killing each other…

But yeah, I might kill us all anyway. I don't care. I don't even have my own body but I have my own mind and that's made up. I'm going to go look at some porn now as much to tent sale the next customer as to make sure it all still works.

[]

Well this is it. I'm the last one. Careful what you wish for, right? One night I'm ready, the next night it's time and I'm scared and I hurt all over. The fire or the male/female thing or both, they're eating me up from the inside and I'm not even sure which plan to use. There are so many ways to get to the guy who must know that I'm coming for him, and I can't even pick from all the plans I've made in this stupid book because this stupid book has all my confessions and dreams and shit in it too. If I leave normally I might run into the Ashikabi who now is so handsome and so kind and-

Ow. Maybe burning alive was too much even for rapists. It really REALLY hurts. Maybe I should get that bitchy water Sekirei to cool me down. No. They can't help their situation, but I can and I will. I just hope my cologne doesn't ignite. I'm going out the window, leaving my Sekirei costume here and whoring it all the way to the final boss.

[]

Miya smelled something burning even from the kitchen. When she got to Homura's room and found and burning ledger in his wastebasket, the smoke mostly going out the open window, she knew what was happening. She knew what was happening before, thanks to Minato's crazy narcissist father sending all the Sekirei to her home, but they weren't there yet and maybe she could make them think Homura was still there and everything would work out.

"Minato!"

She hadn't meant to sound that angry, and as she heard him jump, hide,

"Minato, come here please."

then come running, she decided she WAS angry. Guarding the unwinged Sekirei didn't mean he was allowed to kill the Sekirei plan without knowing what that would mean, or even if he could.

"Yes, Ms. Landlady, m'am!"

She left Minato bowing behind her as she smothered the wastebasket fire with her apron. The other Sekirei were showing up one by one behind him and were thus making it harder and harder for her to expect a straight answer.

"Minato. Do you like boys as well as girls?"

His Sekirei reacted predictably, Minato even more so. With even more 'no' than she expected, though.

"Have you ever…done anything to, or around Homura?"

"Who-who's Homura."

"Homura!" Tsukiumi yelled!

"Yes, yes, the pretty host man is actually Homura the flaming Sekirei guardian. That's not important right now."

Miya knew that the water-wielding Sekirei had a score to settle with Homura, among other issues, but she also knew that they had to decide right away whether it was better to try to catch Homura or better to stay put and defend the home. Miya knew that she was strong enough to beat any Sekirei, even any dozen, but at least 50 would be coming and the entire neighborhood would be destroyed if she-

The doorbell even made her jump a little.

Everyone got ready to fight as Miya opened the door to find, not an army of Sekirei, but a dumpy middle-aged woman with too much makeup and a dress that didn't look as bad as her perfume smelled.

"H-Hello, is Kagari home?"

[]

"I'm pretty smart, aren't I ladies?"

The ladies giggle and fondle me.

That's really all they've been doing.

"You're as smart as you are handsome, Mr. Kagari!" the stupidest and ugliest of them cheers.

They're right.

"You're damn right. I'm fricken James Bond gold…biscuit…sweet ass!"

I'm really drunk. I ditched my journal but I'm still narrating my final solution like an ass. In my head, not in my ass.

"Someone's taken their hand off my ass!"

Five hands from four women rectify the situation. Heh, if I were thinking in English I'd think: 'heh, recti…rectum.'

"All hands and no fingers?"

A get higher pitched giggles, a squeal and a gasp and a finger.

"Ow! It's hot!"

I'm not sure which one that was, but I'm happy to say that it didn't make my junk turn outside in.

"Damn right it is!" I cackle with laughter, realize I sound like the guy I'm about to kill, and laugh even louder.

The plan, to call up all my customers, invite a few to meet me here, a few there, a few over there, really was brilliant. Cruel, to stand up all but the five that turned up at the lucky meeting spot that happened to be furthest away from any Sekirei or MBI (dead man's company that fronts the whole Sekirei game) squads. Yes, cruel, but still brilliant. I've borrowed a cowboy outfit and some booze (it's brown because cowboys drink brown booze) and now I'm just another gigolo partying with clients. Sure it looks funny to have one cute young man with an entourage of 5 average to below average looking ladies rather than the opposite, but it sure doesn't look like the unwinged fire Sekirei coming home to kill the king.

I suppose I could have, probably should have just faked being drunk, but it does seem to be keeping me from burning my cover too badly. Mostly.

"BWA haha HA ho ho!"

"What's so funny now, Mista big Texu?"

Alright, maybe laughing to myself at my own thoughts is a sign that I'm too drunk, but I told them to call me 'Big Tex' when I was still sober, so who knows.

"I'll tell you what's funny," I croon, then whisper something naughty in her ear. She gasps and laughs.

"Hey! I want to hear!"

"Ladies, there's plenty to go around."

I spill a little booze, then a little more for effect.

As the ladies pass the bottle between them I watch a Sekirei run by, her Ashikabi following on a moped. I smile and start to tell them the story again about how I know someone at the MBI tower who has an office that's more like a love hotel.

"The view must be great!" One of them cheers.

I whisper something in her ear about floor to ceiling windows and what you can press up against them.

She squeals. I almost puke.

[]

It didn't take Miya long to explain that Kagari was not home, and even shorter to decide she may as well come inside because the Sekirei plan was going to bring almost a hundred superpowered hotchicks to their door ready to tear the place apart to get him. Miya, unlike Minato, was not forbidden from revealing the Sekirei plan. Minato still freaked out, trying to reassure the woman that everything was okay, but he didn't have much time.

"Watch out!"

Musubi stepped forward and punched a throwing weapon out of the air. She was the one with the street boxing gloves and the biggest tits after all. All the rest of them had their own powers, which was good, because it was time to use them.

[]

I didn't expect to be able to hear the battle from MBI, much less from the street, but there it was. I could even see huge blasts of water and lightning and what looked like missiles up in the sky like a searchlights.

"What the hell is that?"

I don't know which of them asked, but I just kept walking up the steps to MBI as they all turned toward the destruction. Destruction was prettier than me anyway, boy or girl.

"Wait here, ladies. I'll be right back."

They made sounds, I don't care if any of them heard me.

"Excuse me, sir. Our offices are closed for the day. I suggest you-"

There are plenty of cameras, and I'm agile enough I could have just taken the keys from the guards, but instead I just show him my cute little tits to get him to just shut up. I'm still so drunk I even put his hands on them and beckon toward the other guard. He comes over and now that everyone's looking at me I can lead them back to somewhere…yeah, there's somewhere I can take these two guys, make it look like I'm not some weird whore hitting up hard up late night security gaurds. MBI probably pays them pretty well, but no one can resist a Sekirei, or maybe I'm just a really good whore.

Yeah. There's a storage closet. Probably no cameras in there.

Yup.

Whoops!

One of them almost kissed me.

I know how to burn alive, didn't think knocking out would take more than one punch. Protecting is better, but fighting isn't bad, even in the closet. The closet has a ceiling I can burn away. The burnt away ceiling leads to other type stuff. Where was the elevators at? There.

[]

"Homura is not here."

Miya walks out with her sword, literally glowing with destructive energy, the other Sekirei spread in a defensive arch around the inn.

"Ms. Miya?"

"It's okay, Tsukiumi. There's no way we can defend the inn any longer without somebody getting hurt."

"Besides these other poor Sekirei," Kazehanna sighs, her wind powers still on, her sigh blowing one unconscious Sekirei over a mailbox, her panties catching Minato's eyes, the back of Minato's eyes catching the back of Tsukiumi's fist."

"Those are not your legal wife's panties!"

"And you're not his legal wife."

The discipline squad, arrives on the scene, their leader one of the first high-powered Sekirei, their Ashikabi an MBI employee mostly just for show. Itty bitty angry fist, quiet monster claw, and psycho sword (that's the leader, and the one with the cool one liner entrance) all step onto the scene. The remaining and arriving Sekirei get out of their way. Minato's Sekirei fight them, MBI's rival company's Sekirei try to take advantage of the situation. Minato's Sekirei, with the help of Miya, beat them all. The leader one dies in a big dramatic way, all psycho and bleeding on her own sword and her Ashikabe gets out of his limo and holds her and she smiles sadly and dies.

[]

Boy I sure hope no one dies because of me. Turning the elevator into my own rocket to blast my way up to my target was cool and all, but now, as much I'm just a big ball of burning pain and hate, I realize that some of the people I lived with back at the inn probably thought of me as a friend and might get killed.

No. We might all get killed, but we'll die free right?

Right?

"WHAT?"

The boss, his name is Minaka, is yelling into his phone. The building is more of a fortress really, so I shouldn't be surprised he didn't hear me coming. Still, he should have seen me, but it looks like he's busy. He's yelling something about it being too soon, about who authorized the disciplinary squad about-

I puke all over his desk.

That gets his attention.

Wow. It's steaming a lot. Bubbling even.

"That's because I'm fire!"

Minaka just looks at me like I'm crazy and about to kill him.

"Wait!"

I've got a fist full of fire (a belly and head full too, and it's agony, but I am still drunk enough to do this) and this is all he can say?

"Thash all ewww can say? Jusht cowerink helpless at my mershy?

"H-homura. You don't understand, it wasn't supposed to happen this way."

I swallow for some focus, spit some vomit.

"It wasn't supposed to happen at all you bastard."

I hope I sound as scary as I think I do, because I know I'm going to kill him and that scares me.

"Listen, please! If you kill me-"

"If I kill you, you die."

And I set him on fire.

I didn't know whether I'd try overkill. Big fireball that instantly cremates him, or the latter, which I'm glad I chose. The latter is better. Whatever that damn outfit he wears is made of, it sure is flammable. He screams just like the rapists did but lunges at me the way none of them did. His lips are burnt off, but there's still some saliva in his kiss.

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A/N Well look at that, it took me longer to set the stage than I thought. Guess I'll have to make this two chapters/see how one chapter works as a one off.