A/N – I'm currently stuck in Shanghai, bored out of my mind and hung over because we celebrated closing one of our deals with copious amounts of champagne, while waiting for the lawyers to draw up the papers and get the translation into Mandarin. And apparently the entire situation makes me write weird and weirder things.

So anyway, I've been told by cloudybokey that the last chapter for this was not sappy enough and that I should write out Quinn's letter to Rachel that I referenced in Ch 11. I actually wanted to do it in one of the later chapters but it didn't really fit. However, I do love a challenge so wrote this out so that the letter had to be read again. Enjoy and fair warning, it is angst heavy with the fluffy faberry smutty finish. Yes, I am actually trying a bit of smut. Either forgive me for even attempting it or tell me to stick to fluff.

**Edited to add that Drunk!me has issues with tenses and thanks to gleefaberry for highlighting and sober!mortified!me has hopefully fixed them

Epilogue

It always starts the same way, with the strong metallic smell of blood. So strong that she feels it coalesce at the back of her throat and knows that if she were awake, she would gag. Next, she feels it on her hands, coating them, thick and hot as they pulse out of the convulsing body. She tries to stem the flow, pushing down, her palms flat against skin and then she hears the ragged sound of keening pain.

It's raw and she can't tell if it's from a man or a woman until she opens her eyes. The face she sees changes like the seasons. Sometimes it Danny Mills who had died on her first tour, a landmine ending his life at twenty one. One moment he had been whistling Dixie, his gun slung over his shoulder because they were in a friendly village. All it took was one second, as his foot landed with a thud and they all heard the click of the mine engaging.

Quinn had been fifteen feet away, on her fifth ground patrol and the blast blew her back another six feet. Danny's body landing just a few feet away, his face bloody, his eyes closed and his legs blown clean off, just another specter to add to her collection and fuel her nightmares.

At other times, it's the faces of people whose names she didn't know, fellow soldiers and enemies, all dead or dying. All of them, people whom she had encountered during her two tours. And once, it had been Jesse's face and she hadn't stopped her scream from erupting in time, but luckily, Rachel had been recording late in the studio that night.

However, most times, it's a rotation between Ally and Rachel, their faces drawn and pale, their eyes staring straight at her. She can see their pupils constrict as the light leaves their eyes. Quinn knows she screams their names in her nightmare, trying to forge a connection, pleading for them to stay with her. Except it always ends the same way, she feels the blood stop pumping through her fingers and she jerks awake.

Her head shoots off the pillow, the scream dying in her throat as she swallows down and bites the inside of her cheek. Her hands in fists, grabbing at the sheets until her knuckles are white. And like her terrifying dream, her senses all come back sequentially as she smells Rachel's vanilla body cream, her hands on her back or sometimes wrapped around her. Rachel's head resting on her shoulder or next to her ear as her soothing voice murmurs words, telling her that everything's going to be fine.

Most times, it's enough to snap her out of her nightmare induced fog. But every now and then, she needs something more to pull her away from all the blood that she can still feel coating her hands. And Rachel always knows as she pulls her body flushed to hers and sings.

It doesn't matter the song but Rachel knows she has her favorites and she tends to start with those. And all she hears is Rachel's beautiful voice softly singing in her ear, until she blinks her body relaxing from its tense state. It takes a few songs but then as if by magic, her muscles unlock and her jaw stops grinding down and she realizes Rachel's safe and there with her.

It still hits her that Ally, Danny, Jesse and countless of others are dead but she feels Rachel's body, especially the small bump pressing into the small of her back and it's enough to wash away all her fears and trauma.

"I'm..ok, I'm ok." She repeats it out loud, her voice as steady as she can muster because she needs to not worry Rachel. A difficult task as she turns around to see Rachel staring back, her eyes shiny with unshed tears. Quinn knows exactly what Rachel's going to say and cuts her off even as she sees her mouth open.

"It was nothing, really. Just a stupid dream. I'm fine. I'm, I'm fine." It's like Quinn feels that reiteration would actually make Rachel believe the words regardless of what she had witnessed on so many occasions. Rachel knows Quinn isn't blatantly lying to her but that the love of her life, the only person she ever wanted to spend the rest of her life with, actually believed her own words.

Quinn thought by saying them aloud, repeating them like a mantra in her head, would make them true. It's the sixth time this month that Quinn had awoken from one of her nightmares. When they had first got together, Rachel had been the one with the bad dreams, but they had tapered off as soon as she understood Quinn wasn't going anywhere.

The first few weeks, she would wake up gasping for breath, Quinn's name on her lips. But Quinn had been there every night, laying next to her, their legs tangled up and the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes. Her abandonment issues disappearing like a wisp of smoke because Quinn had finally promised to never leave her.

Quinn's words enough to drive away any concerns and fears she had, And she desperately wants to do the same for Quinn, only her insecurities seem trite compared to post traumatic stress disorder. The diagnosis had been given last week when they had gone for the ex-soldier's therapy session.

"It's recurring more often." Her voice is whisper soft because she does not want to stress Quinn any more than she has to but even then, she notes her aggrieved expression turn to guilt and it's not what Rachel wants to happen. Her hand caresses the blond's cheek, "Don't, please don't, I'm here, just tell me.."

Quinn immediately pulls back stopping Rachel's words. It's not that she wants to be difficult but she cannot share this with Rachel. She can still see the images in her head and they're just too visceral and raw to share with her especially considering she was four months pregnant.

So she pushes herself off the bed and does not stop even as Rachel calls out to her, making her way to the kitchen in their apartment and pouring a glass of water. She loves this place, the quietness of being thirty storey's up, the view of the park and the way everything reminder her of Rachel All the posters on the walls, the plush comfortable furniture and Rachel's ubiquitous scent that permeated everything and made it feel safe.

As she walked back to their room, she knew that she needed Rachel to understand that she couldn't share her nightmare with her but by just being here with Rachel, it would have to be enough to see her through her issues.

Rachel holds back her tears as she stays silent, waiting to hear the front door shut. She knows Quinn won't abandon her and that the blond wasn't pushing her away but trying to protect her by not sharing what she considered too damaging to hear. The one thing that Quinn just didn't realize was that Rachel actually already knew exactly what Quinn's nightmares were about.

Rachel reaches over and pulls open the small drawer of her side table. She peers in, comforted to see the letter is still there. Slightly yellowed and crumpled but intact. She doesn't need to read it though, having memorized it like she had done with the previous two letters Quinn had sent her.

She's completely sure that Quinn does not know she has it in her possession and had been waiting for the right time to broach the subject and realizes that she'll have to do it tonight. She can't bear to see Quinn try and do this on her own and this was the only way she could make Quinn see that she had more than an inkling of her worst nightmare, so she takes it out and unfolds it, placing it in her lap.

Rachel's relieved to see Quinn walk back into their room, a glass of water in her extended hand. She does feel thirsty but knows that she's just swallowing her fear. "Let's just get some rest." Quinn's glad to see Rachel take the water but her eyes widen as she finally notices the letter in her lap.

She wants to snatch it but is frozen as she hears Rachel's soft voice.

"Dearest Rachel, I sometimes wish that I had never met you. There are these days here where everything gets so bad, so difficult and all I can do is to compare them to the night I met you. Not the way that night ended but the way it began.

Meeting your eyes and taking in that smile, it made me believe in God and soul mates and promises and love and everything finally making sense in my head. All the difficulties I needed to face, all the tribulations everything completely surmountable as long as you kept smiling at me.

I screwed up more drink orders that night than in the past two years I had worked there but nothing mattered as long as I kept talking to you and hearing my name fall from your lips. I imagined kissing you in every conceivable situation; starting with just leaning over the bar to capture your lower lip between my teeth to propelling myself over it and pulling your body flushed against mine, our lips finally meeting like they were meant to.

I never imagined doing it as you lay broken and bleeding on the ground, your warm blood coating my skin and thinking I had stolen your last breath as your eyes slid shut and my world almost ended.

I couldn't understand how the best and worst experience of my entire life at that point could take place within a six hour span until I came out here. "

Rachel pauses as she sees Quinn looking directly at her except she's not focused on her, her pupils wide and Rachel knows she's remembering her past. It takes all of her will power to not reach out and hold on to Quinn. The imagery from the letter so intense that she knows Quinn is reliving the experience.

"Sometimes all I see is the color red, stark against the muted desert tones and all I feel is the sense of loss. Knowing each person I meet could end up injured or dead, their blood, coating my skin and there's nothing I can do to stop it. When my worst fears are confirmed and my chopper is filled with body bags, names I recognize on the tags and the sound of loss interchanges with the sound of my flying. Knowing that I'll dream about their deaths and praying that I don't see your face overlaid on theirs.

So I think of you, the sound of your laughter, the dimple on your cheek as you smile and the way your hand fits in mine and all I know is that I need to see you again. To touch you, taste you and make you feel the way you've made me feel. I want to show you that I'm strong because of you, that I can be the person you smiled at from across the bar.

I want to tell you I love you and see the understanding and acceptance in your eyes. I want to kiss you again and again and again."

Quinn blinks and sees Rachel sitting on the bed, the half full glass on the side table and her eyes brimming with tears. She pushes forward capturing Rachel's lips, each kiss preceded by another more fervent one. Teeth grazing skin, her tongue tasting Rachel's desire only to feel Rachel's hand curl around hers as she pulls back, their foreheads touching. Hearing Rachel's voice once again giving hope to the words on the paper.

"So I wished I had never met you because you seem so good, so perfect and so like a dream. And the contrast of experiences then and now so wide that it feels unfair and cruel. And all I see when I close my eyes are images of death and violence, all I hear are screams of pain and all I can remember is what it feels like when my world almost ended.

Only I know that you're out there and I pray that you're happy. And I wish that when we finally meet I'll be able to show you how much you've meant to me, how much I truly love you and we'll finally get forever.

Always

Quinn

"I'm always going to be here." Rachel initiates this kiss. The previous kisses they had shared tonight were used to convey and reinforce one thing; faith in each other and faith in their bond and love. The kiss they shared now was passionate and expressed need. A need that was physical and needed to be fulfilled as it had been promised in every touch and contact they shared.

Quinn instinctively cupping Rachel's face in her hands as the kiss deepened, moaning as the heat of their contact spread throughout her body. She could actually feel the nerve fibers in her limbs tingling in anticipation and desire. She slowly leans forward even more, her knees on either side of Rachel's body and her palms flat on the bed, supporting her body weight.

Rachel's hands are warm against her skin and the intensity of the kiss raises the temperature even further. She sinks back slightly, and looks up at Quinn, the blonde's eyes were slightly closed and the redness of her just-kissed lips, a stark contrast to her pale skin. Rachel slowly begins to trace Quinn's cheek with her finger. Such a beautiful face and as she nears Quinn's lips, the blond let out a sigh.

Quinn could feel Rachel everywhere, on her skin, surrounding her, enveloping her in a way that made her feel so alive. Rachel's fingers are tracing her lips and she flicks her tongue out to taste them. She wants so badly to taste the brunette to consume her even. But she knows that this beautiful experience should not be rushed. Each time they had come together had been a unique experience and she knows this will be no different. She opens her eyes then, suckling at Rachel's fingers making her hungry for more. Drinking in the sight of the brunette lying beneath her, Rachel's beautiful hair fanned around her and she looks at Quinn silently consenting to her pace despite her growing need to fully give herself over.

Quinn doesn't hesitate. She straddles Rachel,unbuttoning her pajama top. Each time she pops open a button, she bends down to rain kisses on her smooth skin. Taking her time and enjoying every second of it. As the middle button comes undone, she slowly pushes apart the fabric, the sight of Rachel's breasts taking her breath away.

Round and full with the most perfect erect nipples. Rachel suddenly looking down shyly but Quinn touches her cheek then, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "Beautiful…you're so beautiful and these…" Quinn slowly kisses around one of Rachel's nipples and can feel her shudder. Next, proceeding to kiss the other one but this time, she uses her tongue to draw a circle around it before slowly kissing it and then trailing her lips way up pass the cleft in Rachel's throat to her full lips.

Rachel can discern each and every touch of Quinn's lips on her body; each point of contact, leaving an invisible imprint of heat and ardor. She could kiss Quinn forever, each languid moment forever lost in time but enabling them to move forward to new explorations. She can feel Quinn's hand still stroking her breast, drawing circles within circles finally trailing down her breast bone; such tender touches that fully ignited her senses.

She can hear the blood rushing in her veins, the sound of it so loud, yet in reality only the soft sounds of their joint whispers and moans can be heard. She slowly pushes Quinn up only to hear the blonde's plea "No…."

But she needs to see Quinn too as she pushes up the fabric of her tank. Quinn realizing what Rachel's trying to do and though she feels the acute loss of Rachel's skin on her lips, she swiftly pulls of the t-shirt, discarding it to one side. Quinn does not mind the scars on her body but knows that Rachel hates the scar on her abdomen and still think that she's not beautiful.

Rachel can feel Quinn's eyes rake over her and she knows she's not perfect. But when she looks up at Quinn, all she can distinguish is beauty and grace reflected in her hazel eyes, that she truly believes that perhaps she could be all that and more to Quinn.

Quinn can feel her own wetness flowing and the feeling of bliss emanating from every contact of skin on skin, but her need was ever growing as she struggles to pull off her pants and tugging at Rachel's as well. Rachel giggles then, a sound of pure joy and mischief, their tangled legs preventing Quinn's effort.

Her arched eyebrow causing Rachel to stop as the brunette finally stilling her hand, then rolling her onto her back and pulling off her pants in one smooth move. It was something Rachel had wanted to do ever since spotting Quinn wearing them and apparently, she has a gift for undressing her.

Rachel seeing Quinn's panties wet through and holding her breath knowing that she had done that. She had made Quinn want her physically and it will always surprise and soothe her to know that they will always be so attuned. To have her body react physically to a caress or a kiss was breathtaking but to know that it was borne out of love was magnificent.

Quinn puts her hands on Rachel's hips and languorously pulled her shorts and panties down. She wants to taste Rachel so badly, her hands are literally shaking, not out of fear but out of want. She places her palm around Rachel's neck and guides her down their lips meeting again. Only this time, it's Quinn who initiates their contact and guides their bodies.

She wasn't going to hurry with what she has in mind. Her hands tracing a path all around Rachel's luscious body and likewise, Rachel's own hands stroking and touching Quinn. It was like they were discovering each other for the first time, and though their physical need to climax was there, there was no need to rush. Expressing their mutual love through touch reigning in their physical need for now.

With the most gentle of touches, Rachel's fingers stroke the small folds of Quinn's sex, which are slick and swollen with arousal. Quinn arches her back, wanting Rachel inside. Her eagerness to give herself over completely to the blazing sensations that sears through her mind and body nearly making her forgo her exploration of Rachel and instead guide the brunette's hand. However Quinn's also struggling with her own overpowering need to savor Rachel and so she reaches out for Rachel's hand but not to guide it inwards. Instead, she raises it over the brunette's head and places her other palm on Rachel's shoulder, slowing pushing her to lie back down on the bed.

Quinn drapes her body over Rachel's; not wanting to bear down on her with her weight but she can't resist full contact of skin on skin. She can feel warmth radiating from Rachel as her teeth tenderly nipping at her earlobe as she inhales the scent of her love. Rachel taste like peaches and smells of vanilla and Quinn cannot wait any longer, so she lovingly moves down Rachel's body. The brunette almost shivering but not quite.

It wasn't that Rachel feels cold, in fact, having Quinn lay on top of her was protection enough from the cold or anything else. It was just that every part of her wants Quinn so much that she's trembling. Finally feeling it, Quinn's amazing tongue swirling around her clit. She can feel herself clenching and holding her breath, not out of fear but wanting to better experience the sensations flooding her body.

She can feel Quinn suckling, her tongue darting in and out, Quinn's nimble fingers gripping the tender flesh of her thigh. The sensation of being branded by Quinn etched forever on her soul. Desire fighting through her consciousness and emanating from the back of her throat in a low moan.

Quinn feels like she's tasting heaven. Just tasting the wet essence of Rachel completely intoxicating. A mixture of texture and taste all culminating in a sensation of warmth and musk, that makes her body quiver. Her initial aching need fully sated, Quinn finally looks up. She can see Rachel's startling brown eyes, heavy lidded, her mouth slightly parted. Her face suffused with light and bliss. Once again Quinn descends, probing deeper with fingers and tongue.

Rachel has no words. Her hips bucking up and then dropping back down, grounding into the already tangled sheets beneath her. And slowly they find their rhythm, moving together in perfect unison, Quinn closing her eyes and losing herself to Rachel, only Rachel, always Rachel. She was her life and her love, precious and essential.

"Quinn! YES!" Rachel's climax when it comes, races through her torso and limbs. Such powerful convulsions of muscle and tissue that leaves her body shuddering. Quinn had felt the force of Rachel's orgasm flow through. Finally pulling herself upwards then, and laying down facing Rachel, her fingers tracing her collarbone and eventually resting across her torso; words of love and adoration falling from her lips.

Rachel tilts her head slightly to hear Quinn's gentle entreaties and responds in kind. "You make me feel special and loved. My whole life I have waited for you" Her voice thick, not with tears but with love so strong, it's almost tangible.

"Always." Quinn takes Rachel's hand in hers and bringing it to her lips.

"I love you." Three simple words, that carries such meaning and weight. For Quinn, it signifies everything she was and ever could be. She had lost so much; her direction, her spirit and she had always thought she had lost her ability to love. With the words, she realizes that like Rachel, who had hidden her heart, she had hidden her love as well but that was in the past and Rachel is her future.

The End

I was so close to not posting this at all and am probably going to take it down when I sober up!