A/N: Written for the 2008 less_for_you Severus/Lily exchange on Livejournal. Request was for "whatif!scenarios, pre-Hogwarts, angst, hurt/comfort, unrequited love". Sort-of-three out of five ain't bad? Betaed by who_la_hoop and juniperus.

Warnings/contains: AU-ish; here, Severus and Lily didn't grow apart and then crash and burn they way they did in canon, and they are still quite good friends in the summer after sixth year. Sexual tension and suggestive activity between teenagers.

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Summer Shade

Summer weather did nothing pleasant to the river. The heat did nothing for its nose-wrinkling odour, the sun did nothing for its filthy colour, the humidity did nothing for the grimy feel of the water, and there never was a damn thing to be done about the mosquitoes. No repellent was strong enough to truly deter their marauding hordes—except perhaps one.

"Ahhhh," Lily sighed happily as she sank onto the shady patch of grass on the riverbank. "At last, Severus, my sweet, at last we have conquered the foul and highly annoying menace! For this summer we are of age, and finally deemed responsible enough to cast simple and extremely unobtrusive insect-repelling charms we've known since we were thirteen!" She held her wand aloft in a salute.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Victory is ours," he said, and tapped the tip of Lily's wand with his own. A bright red ribbon about two feet long unfurled from it and fluttered in the slight breeze. "I think the heat is affecting your brain," he added as he sprawled beside her on the ground.

Lily laughed, fell onto her back next to him, and waved the ribbon lazily back and forth above her. "That's why I wanted to come here, though. It's a little cooler, at least."

"Mmm," Severus agreed, tucking his arms behind his head. For a while he watched the curling shapes of the rippling ribbon against the background of green leaves. The heat made him drowsy. He closed his eyes when Lily stopped playing with the impromptu banner and drifted into a half-formed daydream.

"Sev?" Lily murmured.

He opened one eye and saw her plucking blades of grass and rolling them absentmindedly between her fingers. "Hmmm?" he replied slowly.

"I was wondering about something... I think it should be all right to ask you, I mean, since you aren't someone scary..."

"Thanks very much," said Severus dryly.

"Hush, you. I meant since we're friends and all. Even though you're a boy." She made a frustrated noise. "That wasn't what I meant. Just, you know, that you're safe, that I can trust you." Lily frowned and seemed to be trying to convince herself to do something.

Severus was confused, but resolved to be patient. "Of course, Lily," he said, closing his eye again.

She cleared her throat. "Severus, do you ever think..." she began, but trailed off as if not sure how to phrase her question.

He waited for a few seconds for Lily to finish the sentence, but she did not. "As often as possible," he said, and smirked. "This was your difficult question? A point from Gryffindor for asking about things you already know. You'll never make Head Girl at this rate."

"Oh stop!" Lily said, and smacked him on the shoulder. Severus cracked his eye open again and continued to smirk at her. "I wanted to ask doyoueverthinkaboutsex," she said in a rush.

Severus froze and his smirk faded. His heart seemed to skip a beat—or several beats—in fact, for a moment he wasn't certain if his heart was ever going to start again. He slowly opened his other eye and looked at Lily steadily, willing his mouth not to say anything stupid like Absolutely, all the time—I think about you all the time.

"Now I know the heat's affecting your brain," he said carefully.

Lily chuckled, rolled onto her side, and propped herself up on one elbow, gazing out into the trees. "I just wondered if the stuff I think about is, well, could it work, and—and would a boy like it?"

Severus blinked and felt his throat constrict. He was positive anything Lily would think of doing would be fine with him, at least. Even if some of it "couldn't work"—though he had no idea what she could possibly be thinking of that she would have this doubt—he would be very pleased to help her try. Very pleased.

"Lily, I—" he started, not liking the tight sound of his voice. So obvious; she'd be able to tell in an instant...!

"I just want you to tell me if I'm on the right track," she said, suddenly meeting his gaze and smiling. "Sound all right?"

Severus could hardly believe what he was hearing. Lily was going to describe some of her personal sexual thoughts to him and ask him for his, ah, masculine advice?

Do it, a voice in his head was urging. Say "yes". Just think of the things you might get to hear her say. If nothing else, you'll have wanking material for eons.

Crude though that case might be, it was hard to argue with; Severus was seventeen, after all. Memories would be much more potent and enjoyable than imaginings, but then he'd never dreamed anything like this would ever happen outside his head in the first place. Lily didn't want him that way, after all—did she? Could she?

"All right," he said, as nonchalantly as he could. Lily's smile grew a shade more brilliant, and Severus smiled a small smile too, in spite of himself.

"This spot under here," she began, stroking a place at the top of her throat near the curve of her jaw with two fingers. "That's all very soft and sensitive on girls, on me at least." Her cheeks pinked slightly. "Is it that way for boys too? If I were to—I mean, do you like being touched or kissed or—or bitten there?" She dropped the word "bitten" as though she were embarrassed to be saying it.

"I—I think so," Severus said.

"You think so?"

"It sounds like it would be pleasant."

"But don't you know?"

"How would I know?"

"Well, haven't you—"

"Who would I have—"

"But I heard that you'd—"

"Whatever you heard—no."

"Oh. Fair enough."

Lily looked away at the trees again. There was an uncomfortable pause.

"May I try it then? For experiment's sake?"

Severus stared at her and swallowed. "All right."

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Lily lowered her upper body to an appropriate level and stroked the same two fingers over the equivalent spot on Severus's throat. The skin was softer than she thought it would be; if he was ever going to grow any beard there, he hadn't yet. Severus closed his eyes, and Lily thought he looked almost frightened.

She leaned in close and smelled his skin. Odd; he didn't really smell like anything, just faintly of salt and of the earth underneath him.

Lily moistened her lips with her tongue and softly pressed them against the hollow place between the angle of his jaw and his Adam's apple. Severus did nothing, said nothing; hardly seemed to be breathing, even.

She kissed him again, more on the side of the neck, then nipped the spot gently with her teeth. Severus made a strange little high-pitched grunt in his throat.

"Well?" Lily mumbled against his skin, and moved to brush her lips behind his ear.

"Definitely pleasant," he breathed. "Look, Lily, trust me, men aren't very picky if they fancy someone. Whatever sounds like a good idea to you, he will probably like. You don't have to try it all out on m—"

"I'd rather be sure," she said, and kissed him down where his neck shaded into his shoulder. "Or at least find out if any of it is completely mental." Lily rested her head against him and reached across with her hand to caress the other side of his neck with her fingertips.

She hadn't thought much about it before, but it was very nice just lying here and touching Severus like this. Despite knowing that he dabbled in Dark knowledge more than she thought was right, she usually felt calm around him, like everything was right with the world. As she had said: safe. Maybe knowing about Dark magic meant he would be well able to protect someone from it (his Defence marks, at least, bore out that theory). He definitely wasn't the social type and both his bark and bite were formidable if he thought he was being attacked, but actually she found him quite gentle most of the time.

"Lily, I really doubt any of it would be... mental..." he started, trailing off as Lily pushed herself up again, planted one palm on the ground on the other side of him, and looked down into his eyes.

"I don't know, Sev," she whispered. "I think about some pretty mad things sometimes."

She kissed him.

Again she had the feeling that Severus was frightened, but soon she felt him lift a hand and touch her cheek. Both his hand and his mouth were amazingly gentle, like she had just been thinking he was. His movements were slow, precise, almost reverent, like he was handling a fragile and priceless treasure.

Lily flicked the tip of her tongue against his lower lip, and he darted his out to touch hers ever so briefly. The sensation flowed over her skin, raising the hair on the back of her neck and producing a slight tingling between her legs. Not wanting to get quite that into it at this particular moment, she ended the kiss softly, and opened her eyes to look at him.

His cheeks were flushed, and for a moment his expression was unguarded, awed. Between his parted lips, Lily could see the tip of his tongue positioned on his teeth like he was about to form the sound of L. But then, right before he actually spoke, she saw something defensive drop in his eyes, and he pressed his lips together again.

"Are you seriously trying to tell me you 'weren't sure' if that was something a boy would like? What rubbish. For one thing, I know for certain that in fourth year you snogged—"

"Don't be a prat, Sev," Lily retorted, feeling heat in her own face. "Of course I know that. I just thought maybe I should do something—familiar? To warm up? Some of the things I think about I've never told anyone, you know."

Severus quirked one of the corners of his mouth. "So all the stories that go round the boys' dormitories about just what upper-year girls are getting up to in their dorms after midnight are merely that—stories?"

Lily chuckled and shifted her eyes to the side. She could imagine what sorts of stories those might be. "Maybe not all of them."

Severus raised his eyebrows. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not. You mightn't respect me in the morning."

He looked at her seriously. "Yes, I would. Whatever it—"

"That was a joke, Sev." Poor thing; she knew he had a sense of humour, but he seemed to take everything so seriously when it came to her.

He sighed and ground the heel of his left hand into his eye. "Right."

"So, are you going to help me or not?"

"Help you?"

"You know what I mean."

"I... yes, if that's what you wish."

"Good." Lily laid back down on the cool grass beside him and smiled as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She was glad to have a friend like Severus.

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

What was he thinking?

Actually, that wasn't an intelligent question to ask. He knew perfectly well what he was thinking. The proper question was whether it was at all a good idea, and his personal jury was still out on that one. ("Out"? Out to lunch maybe. Or scarpered. On holiday in the Caribbean, even.)

He was surprised at himself, however, that said jury hadn't immediately decided that this was all an extremely bad idea. It sounded better the longer he thought about it, rude little locker-room arguments from rude little parts of his psyche or no.

"Let me start with something simple," Lily said into the fabric of his shirt. "Just listen, maybe." She took a breath, then let it out again. He kissed her on the top of her head, lingering a bit.

"So we'd start with a bit of snogging, of course... that's an easy place to start, right?"

"Hmmm..." Severus chuckled lightly. "Right..."

"Then I would kiss him on the place I just did you... down here, I mean," she said, running a fingertip from his chin down to his throat and then up behind his ear.

Severus sighed appreciatively. Even such a simple touch from her was bliss.

"And maybe bite, like I did, or maybe harder."

"Mmmm..."

"So that'd be a good thing, then?"

"I think so."

"You think so."

"Try me again if you don't believe me."

Lily opened her mouth, and the barest brush of her lips was hot on his neck. He closed his eyes and tilted his chin up in anticipation.

"...No, I believe you," she breathed against his skin.

Severus managed not to whimper, but only just.

"But I think about... I think a lot about running my hands over skin. Up here," she said, running her fingers along his collarbone and over the top of his shoulder, "and down here," she continued, making a broad motion with her hand barely touching his belly. "And..." He watched her lift her hand and hesitate. "And the inside of the thigh too," she finished, bringing her hand up instead to trace a finger along his lower lip.

It was ludicrous, Severus thought as he resisted the urge to lick that finger and then kiss the inside of her wrist. Such a question didn't even merit consideration. The answer was obvious: that would all be utterly wonderful (and could they perhaps please do it as soon as possible, added the voice which had earlier suggested gathering wanking material).

He was frankly amazed that Lily even felt the need to ask. Some things, Severus could understand why she might genuinely be uncertain, but she couldn't really be this naive, could she? Especially considering that she was—well—considering things?

Severus paused for what he hoped was long enough to give the impression that he'd actually had to ponder her suggestion, and then said, "So far I think your theory is sound."

Lily giggled. "You always know just how to put things, don't you, Sev?"

He doubted it. If he did, they wouldn't be having this conversation. He'd have managed to say The Perfect Thing years ago, and right now he would be already half out of his clothes and offering himself up for her every assay and experiment, instead of merely talking about it. The thought made him ache inside.

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Lily sighed as she tried to think of what to say next. She was having some trouble actually vocalizing things, now that it came to it. It was true that she considered Severus to be safe territory, and she didn't fear what he might do with this sort of information because she knew the answer was "keep it completely secret", if that's what she wanted him to do. But somehow that wasn't actually helping.

She swallowed thickly. Courage, Lily.

"I think I would want to follow my hands with my mouth, kiss all those places, taste the skin with my tongue. That sounds weird, though, now that I've said it. It would be wet, for one thing."

"It would, but I think it sounds fine. I can't say for anyone else, but I would like it, at least." Severus brought his left hand to his mouth in a loose fist, and bit the bent knuckle of his forefinger. Did he wish he hadn't said that?

Lily was starting to think that blush in Severus's cheeks was quite adorable; not a word one would normally apply to Severus, but there it was. Truth be told, she was enjoying flustering him, since he was usually so unflappable.

"I think a lot about using my mouth, in fact," she continued. "You have these hip-bones, you see—boys, that is, I mean, although I suppose you're a good example, Sev, since you're so thin. And I think of brushing my lips there and tracing the shape of the bone with my tongue and marking the skin with my teeth. What about that?"

"Also fine. Even better, in fact."

Lily raised an eyebrow. He hadn't even stopped to think that time. " 'Fine'? There must be some other word you can use. Search that vast archive of scrolls you call a vocabulary."

"What is it you want me to say, Lily?" Severus said, sounding irritated. " 'Perfect'? 'Delicious'? 'Incredibly erotic'?"

She pulled away enough to look him in the eyes. "If that's really what you think, then yes."

Severus gazed back at her for a few moments, then gave a tiny shake of his head. "Perfect," he said in a low voice. "Delicious. Incredibly..."

He closed his eyes and drew in a small breath. When he opened them again, Lily had to stop herself from gasping in surprise. His eyes were so different—like someone had plucked them out and set in two stones formed of a dark, primal fire. Heat and goosebumps prickled equally over her skin. She could barely withstand it, but neither could she bring herself to look away.

"...erotic." There was a small twist to his lip as he said the word that would normally have been the start of a sneer, but in this case was serving to slightly bare one of his canine teeth.

Lily decided that "incredibly erotic" was an apt phrase indeed. It was very apparent at the moment that Severus had power as well as brains, and she suddenly wanted it everywhere around and inside her. She wanted that fire, that life.

"Why?" she said.

"Why what?"

"Why perfect and delicious?" Lily rolled onto her back and looked at Severus sidelong.

"And incredibly erotic?"

Lily shivered as he said the word again. Had the timbre of his voice changed too, or was he just using it differently? It was as dark and hot as his eyes. She would have loved to just lie back and listen to him murmur things to her with that voice. What things, she wasn't exactly sure, although she had a sneaking suspicion even the telephone directory might have done all right at the moment.

Severus brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. "It's unusual," he said in a more everyday tone. "There are a lot of... nice places besides the obvious ones." He smirked. "The fact that you apparently think of that sort of thing renews my faith in your intelligence."

Lily laughed. "Had you lost it?"

"Perhaps a little." He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow. "Remember you said you wondered if any of the things you thought of were 'mental'?"

She nodded.

"So far the only thing I've thought was mental is that you're doubting these particular ideas at all. You'll be fine—or, hmm, how about 'excellent'."

She laughed again. "Well, I'm sorry if I cause you to have another crisis of faith, but I'm afraid my next idea did have to do with an 'obvious' place."

"Oh?"

"Yes." She ran the tips of her first two fingers under the very top of the waistband of his trousers, and heard Severus draw in a sharp breath. Pleased, Lily smiled. She hadn't set out to tease him, but she had to admit that finding out she was able to draw such reactions from Severus gave her a feeling of power. "I'm sure putting my mouth here would meet with general approval, but I was curious about some of the details..."

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Severus couldn't stop himself from picturing Lily doing everything she was saying. It was driving him mad. That mental voice had been right: when all this was over he would have a multi-volume collection of masturbation prompts, perhaps even a complete set of the signed, individually numbered limited edition. (He could see her script on the title page now, midnight blue and glossy: To Severus, with best wishes for your enjoyment. Lily.)

"Anything else?" he said, a bit breathless, when she had finished describing what sounded to him like a mind-blowing round of oral sex. Severus couldn't be certain, since no one had ever tried such things on him, but he doubted there could be anything bad about having a beautiful girl swirl her tongue around your cock and gently squeeze your bollocks. He tried not to think in too much detail about how her thumb would press and rub at the soft flesh at the join of his thigh, or how those green eyes would glance up at him every so often as she knelt in front of him and loved him with her mouth.

"There is the problem of how our—the—bodies would actually fit together," she replied.

His mind raced to provide him with lots of images that she probably hadn't exactly meant. He doubted she was intending a nude demonstration, for one thing.

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Lily decided to begin with a position that wouldn't press them too close together. She was becoming hyperaware of Severus's scent and breathing and the texture of his skin, and she was a little afraid of what she might go on to do if any of her ideas turned out to be really, really good ones.

She arranged herself on her left side, so that they faced one another, and threw her right leg over his left. "I've thought about this one a lot, but now that I look at it I can see that this—" she poked Severus in the right leg—"might be a bit of a problem."

"Hmm," he said thoughtfully, and leaned forward to kiss her throat. Lily was surprised at his boldness; Severus would never have dared to do something like that before. "Might be tricky. The bottom legs would be a little awkward." His soft voice made his lips buzz faintly against Lily's skin as he threaded his left hand into her hair at the back of her head. "We'd—you'd have to try it."

Lily pictured that hand stroking down her back and cupping her bottom to pull her towards him as he thrust into her, and felt a thrill of desire run up her spine. She'd gone into this with an academic attitude and an eye towards filing information away for future use on someone else, but now that they were half wrapped around one another, that was giving way to something much more visceral and immediate.

True, she'd thought about Severus this way before, but she hadn't ever had any physical data to add into it. She especially hadn't counted on how marvellous that kiss had been, on how it felt right now to have his mouth on her throat. Lily wondered if everything he did as a lover would be so softly passionate, and reckoned probably so, unless she—that is, someone—asked for something different.

She. No, she had definitely put herself in that place first. Her heart beat rapidly as she thought about the power she was wielding here. It seemed clear that Severus wanted her, which was a strange feeling. Lily wasn't sure what she thought, but decided to save the problem for later; right now what sounded good was more contact between their bodies.

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Severus felt Lily's hands pressing him down onto his back, and looked up at her with amazement.

"I already know this works," she said as she clambered on top of him to kneel astride his hips, "so I guess maybe I'm cheating a little. But I wanted to find out what it might really be like." She twined their fingers together and pinned his hands to the ground at either side of his head.

Severus tensed. Whatever she had thought about, he knew he had certainly thought about this particular thing quite a bit: her hair a red river spilling over her pale shoulders; his hands on the curve of her hips, or pinned like this, giving him something else to push back against as he thrust up into her; the sound of her moans when she was just about to come.

He wondered if she was as wet as he was hard, and was silently—but not all that sincerely—thankful she was wearing shorts and not a skirt.

"It definitely works," he said, feeling hot all over.

Lily looked at him curiously, then blinked. "I can tell."

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Oh, she could tell, all right. Severus was hard, and pressed right up against her. It was an incredible sensation. Lily felt a wave of lust, followed closely by one of shame. She shouldn't be thinking about him like this, shouldn't be doing this to him, especially since the reason she was bouncing all of this off Severus in the first place was because she hadn't wanted to seem clumsy or foolish with James.

That was the reason, wasn't it?

She thought it had been, but it all seemed hazy now. Her thoughts felt different, like this person now looking down into Severus's warm, dark eyes wasn't the same as the one who had started it all, and she couldn't quite recall what it had felt like to be that person.

Lily disentangled one of her hands and laid it against Severus's cheek. He smiled the tiniest close-lipped smile and leaned into her touch. It took her a few moments to realize that besides the slight wariness (which she was long familiar with) and the desire (which was new and thrilling and a bit scary), there was a third thing which she rarely saw in his eyes: joy.

Even as her heart melted, something froze in her gut and she panicked. Lily thought that right now she would do anything to keep that smile on his face, and that was too dangerous. This couldn't go on. She couldn't do it, couldn't accept this adoration. Not now, anyway. This wasn't the time. She had to go home and think before... before this went anywhere else.

Lily moved her hand from Severus's cheek into his hair, and bent down and kissed him one last time. He lifted the hand she had just freed to softly stroke her cheek and jawline and throat as he had before. The touch was so exquisitely beautiful it made her want to weep. Oh, Severus, she thought as she ended the kiss and touched her forehead to his.

"I suppose that was everything," she said, not opening her eyes, and moved off him to stand up.

•·•·•·•·•·•·•

Severus watched her stand, turn her back to him, and brush off her knees. Terror gripped him. What had just happened? Even if she had finished everything she wanted to ask, why did she back off so suddenly?

He sat up and waited for Lily to say or do something, anything else, but she seemed lost in thought as she gazed at the opposite bank of the river. He couldn't stand it. Even if she had said "Well, now I know I don't want you," then at least he would know.

Unable to contain his desperation any longer, Severus finally stood up, brushed off his own clothing, and went to stand beside her.

"Lily," he said quietly, "what was all this really about?" He tried to keep his voice from trembling, to disguise his worry with casual words. "Not that I mind research for its own sake, and I have to say I approve of your, erm, chosen field—but why should it be so important to know right now?"

"James," murmured Lily, although she didn't sound quite certain.

Severus felt his heart shatter like a crystal goblet on a stone floor. "James?" he repeated in a hollow whisper. Had she been thinking of him all along? He shivered in horror at the thought.

"You won't tell anyone, will you, Sev?" She looked briefly at him, then darted her eyes away again as if embarrassed to be caught looking.

"What?" he said, his voice cracking, unable to tear his gaze from her.

"About all this. I—I was just curious, yeah? I mean, I do love you—you're my oldest friend — and I think you can really be quite attractive when... um..." She ran her hand through her hair nervously. "Well. But, anyway. Right?" At last she turned to look at him steadily.

"Oh—I—well, no. Yes. That is—yes, I understand," he said hoarsely. "Don't think I—I was just curious too, Lily." Was that what she wanted to hear? "It was still incr— I mean, I'm lucky you—that is, it's nice that you felt— "

Lily smiled sadly and placed her hand over his mouth. "You're babbling, Sev. If I didn't know better I'd say you were in love."

If she didn't know better...?

Impossible. She was having him on. She had to know. He'd tried to keep it from her before, for fear that she would laugh at him or be disgusted, but after today it must be clear as glass.

She lowered her hand and clasped one of his. "Shall we go?"

Her hand was soft and warm in his. He wanted to be angry with her for using him this way, but as he stared into the summery green of her eyes, he found he could not force himself to feel it. At least she had said "shall we", rather than "I should". Even if she would never love him or want him the way he loved and wanted her, he was still included.

"Yes," he said. "Let me take you home."