Dexter's Empire

A spoof fanfic by Crayz9000

DISCLAIMER

Yadda yadda yadda, Star Trek is owned by Paramount, yadda yadda yadda...

ACT II

Time on a Stick

Chapter One

"IN the beginning was the..." Papers can be heard rustling in the background. "Oops... wrong book. Umm... ah, here it is." An even longer pause as somebody clears their throat, in addition to more uncouth sounds. "Once upon a time, there was Planet. Planet was good..."

flip, flip, flip

"The second son of the Universe was Kynes... Aw damn it, those idiots can't even put the books in the right order."

CUT TO:

A Scotsman abusing several sheep.

VOICE (OS): "Shit."

CUT TO:

Q reclining in a lawn chair.

Q stands up. Unfortunately, his shorts fall off, and a collective groan in heard from the audience. In response, Q frowns, finally clapping twice. The shorts quickly whiz back into place, and sporadic applause is heard.

"Well, I seem to have gotten your attention," he begins bluntly. "You just have to hand it to those people at Clap-On."

There's an awkward pause, and several feeble attempts at laughter are heard.

"Anyway, I think I'll just begin by showing this cheesy PowerPoint presentation." Q extracts a remote from where the sun don't shine, and points it at some unidentified target.

bleep, bloop

CUT TO:

A medieval castle gate rolling up.

Q (OS): "Wrong remote."

PowerPoint presentation flashes up... no, not THAT way...

DEXTER'S EMPIRE

ACT II

Fans of the original series™ were somewhat disappointed with the results of the finale.

click

Striking from a hidden base, rabid supporters of MKSheppard won their first victory against the evil KYNESIAN IMPERIUM.

click

Unfortunately, we are uncertain about the specific results of the victory. Several thousand pregnant Chads were allegedly discovered hanging outside Miami, Coruscant last night.

The only witnesses were Mr. Timothy Jones of the University of Washington Press, and Mr. Paul Jacques of the University of Quebec Press. Both have declined to comment on the situation.

click

[subliminal message]

YOU WILL JOIN THE BOYD COLLECTIVE

CASTLE GATE rolls down, obliterating CAMERA 1 in the process.

RETURN TO Q

Q looks down at the worn-out Toshiba laptop. He cautiously lifts up its keyboard, causing it to SCREAM and run off the set.

"Values," he mutters. "Don't they teach values in the schools?"

He looks at the camera. "Now where was I?"

THUNDER is heard. The clouds part, and a head pops out accompanied by a angelic-sounding chorus.

DETACHED HEAD: "The readers."

Q: "Oh, yes. The readers."

A BIG GREEN BUTTON™ appears. Q PUSHES it.

(At high speed, as if being re-wound)

HEAD zips back into clouds, accompanied by sounds of choir singing backwards. THUNDER sounds strange. LAPTOP runs backward onto set. GATE rolls up. CAMERA 1 is un-crushed. TITLE MESSAGE scrolls backwards. GATE falls back down. Q's PANTS drop and rise as he falls into LAWN CHAIR. VOICE says "Shit" backwards. Several sheep abuse a Scotsman. VOICE proclaims that PLANET is KYNES' illegitimate son.

(Large period of static, as if a large asteroid hit the satellite)

E-D reattaches in reverse. FIRST INTERGALACTIC PODRACE takes place backwards. GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE becomes un-stuck from hood of the GENERAL LEE. TIMOTHY JONES leaves his head on the bridge of the USS JELLYCO. HEADCRAB falls off of Kenny. Scientists run backwards through Black Mesa. SHAGGY jumps into SCOOBY-DOO's arms. DAPHNE looks confused. Freddy trips and falls backwards into Mystery Machine. AUTHOR deletes himself. CRAYZ9000 re-takes control.

(TAPE stops with loud screeching sounds)

Q BLINKS, looks around.

"Anyway," he begins, "Where was I?"

HEAD smites Q with a thunderbolt.

END TEASER