I don't own 'em. Very random and silly.

Once upon a time, in a castle in the Scottish Highlands…which, if you think about it, is a very odd place to have a Starfleet school, isn't it?—there was a rather unorthodox Starfleet school.

The physical science classes at this strange school were taught by a wondrously handsome fellow, who, unfortunately, spent more time instilling character values in his students and flirting with their mothers than actually teaching them science. His class rooms were in the wondrously spacious basement, decorated in tasteful beige and white, and lit with minimalistic wall sconces, like a model home from a home-improvement store—but one could scarcely hope to improve on this! His name was Kirk, though he insisted upon its being prefaced by "Captain" for reasons no one could fathom.

Mathematics was taught by a half-Vulcan named Mr. Spock, in, oddly enough, a remote, windowless room surrounded by a heavily windowed corridor in the fourth tower floor of the tall tower. The doors made a nice whooshing noise when anyone entered. And why exactly he was teaching mathematics, I am uncertain, save that he seemed to have popped into someone's head as a suggestion after their math teacher made an epiphanious joke. He did prize exactitude.

And the engineer, Scotty, despite the fact that he wasn't much good at it, taught English and literature in a spacious stone room. Sadly, his lessons included such annoying descriptions as telling students that a compound sentence required a "pentagonal structure" and that the subtle beauty of poetry compared rather favorably to the intoxicating but brief air of infinity. It further annoyed the students that he had a Scottish accent, but we consider that a favorable feature around here.

Advanced biological sciences were taught by the good (and real) Doctor McCoy, in a room accessed by escalator and decorated with many esoteric devices, including bloodletting instruments. To her chagrin, a Miss Janice Kang who for some reason was constantly addressed as "Yeoman" when summonsed over the intercom—which she frequently was—by Captain Kirk, taught Astronomy and Space Navigation in an inner room on the third floor. As a concession for this, she was allowed to keep a giant St. Bernard in the mudroom that, for no particular reason, served as an entrance to her classroom.

Finally, history was taught by a Lieutenant Uhura, who seemed to be largely ignored by her students unless she instructed by speaking over the intercom, which was tiring, a seeming waste of power, and echoed loudly. Kirk's assistant, a Mr. Sulu, once broke into her office and yodeled over the intercom, causing a great interruption and making the dining room stink of vinegar because the security personnel literally dropped everything to deal with the yodel, and in this case, had been carrying a very large jar of pickles and a crock of sauerkraut.

Our story really begins with the arrival of a young boy named Henry Dotter to the castle, accompanied as he was by his two best friends, Regan Bauer and Bob Armand. The children were explicitly directed in their very first science lesson by Captain Kirk—if in rather condescending manner—to stay very far away from the third floor. (This was because he was having the floor polished to impress Miss Kang, who unfortunately did not know about this favor and nearly skidded to her death off one of the staircases because the floor was so slippery at the time.)

Regan doubted this, as it would be impossible to get to their math class afterwards without passing through the third floor, but Bob, who had load and masses of sisters, told her to not to bother about it.

Henry had his mind on other things, like what exactly he was doing at this boarding school when all his life his aunt and uncle—who resented his parents for getting stranded on a remote planet with a gravitational oddity that prevented any other ship at the current time from trying to rescue them—had provided him only with hand-me-downs and leftovers.

They were getting thoroughly bored in Math, culminating in the passing of notes back and forth between them.

Why do we have to find X? Henry wrote

Only pirates look for buried treasure. Bob responded.

Henry and Regan gave him an odd look. Regan scrawled out Was that meant to be a joke?

I cant read ur handwriting. Bob responded.

Was that supposed to be a joke? Henry scribed in exaggerated script.

"What, the handwriting thing? No, I really can't read Regan's handwriting." Bob whispered.

"No, the pirate thing." Regan whispered, shooting a furtive look at the lecturer who was currently demonstrating something to a girl sitting in the front row.

Why dint u laugh? Bob wrote.

"You're using bad grammar and spelling." The girl scolded in a whisper.

"It wasn't very funny anyway." Harry said, momentarily forgetting himself and speaking out loud.

"Mr. Dotter?" asked Mr. Spock. "Is there something you wish to share with the class?"

"No, sir."

"Then please cease conversing while you are meant to be working."

Let's go investigate the third floor. Bob added.

"Okay…" said Regan, carelessly aloud

"Miss Bauer? Please see me after class." Mr. Spock commanded, raising one of his strange eyebrows.

Probably TBC.