Tanaka paid me in yen. The notes were heavy and crisp in my hand. I lacked Mother's calculating fingers, but even I could guess that the amount he paid me could easily sustain our household for three months with food stuffs bought from the black market. These days, cash was not as valuable as you might think. Food was the choice of barter. I prayed that the officials and the guards at the government prison were well fed.

Tanaka gave me the money loosely. Normally geisha were paid with envelopes containing cash. I remember I took the money from his hands as quickly as I could. I did not even offer a short bow in return. Our business was done as far as I was concerned.

Tanaka, like Nobu, did not trouble himself with much conversation. Perhaps the very act sapped men of all their conversational skills. I did not care what he said or did not say, as long as I had the money. While I dressed with cold fingers, he lay back on the futon bedding and lit a cigarette. The end of the cigarette glowed red in the semi-dark of the room.

I willed my fingers to hurry with my obi. Frustrated, I tied it with a clumsy knot in the front instead of the back. The room stank of sweat and cigarettes. I wanted to leave as soon as possible. Tanaka had taken me to a cheap teahouse in the more unsavory red light district of Gion. I was surprised to find such places were operating. But indeed, business was booming in this part of Gion.

Women of all ages were occupying the various rooms of the tea house with paying customers. Dressed in cheap cotton robes that tied in the front, they had gawked openly as I followed Tanaka down the hallway, dressed in my heavy black formal kimono. Even with my simple hairstyle, I'm sure my walk and kimono gave away my former geisha status. At last, I realized with a pang, I had become what my poor sister Satsu had become. A common prostitute.

The swan had become a pigeon. The first Mr. Tanaka, the man who had taken me from my parents and sold me into this life; his legacy was in ruins. I had reached the exalted ranks of a top-earning geisha, only to fall back this base trade of body.

Taking the cigarette out of his mouth, Tanaka said, "Will I see you again?" I tightened the knot of my obi and put the yen deep inside its folds.

"I don't think so" I murmured, trying to be polite. I wished he had never spoken. I wish he had just given me the money and let me go.

"You would be well compensated" Tanaka said. I shivered.

"I'm afraid not," I said. I glanced outside the small window. I could see weak light coming in. It must have been nearing dawn. "I must get back to my okiya. I did not have permission to come here tonight."

"You were well paid, that's all that matters" he said. "Why should they complain?"

"Please, I must go" I insisted, trying to keep a level voice. Foolishly knowing my request would be brushed aside, I went ahead and said "It would be kind of you to have your driver take me home." He looked at me in amused surprised. Inhaling his cigarette smoke, he said "I'm not in the business of being kind. Remember that."

"I forgot" I said, lying through my teeth. Willing myself to be polite, I gave a low bow and walked to the door.

"You sought me, out Sayuri" Tanaka called out. "Remember that. I won't forget it." He laughed. I rolled up the door open and stepped out, relieved to be walking away. The cloud of cigarette smoke followed me as I walked out of the tea house.

I was glad to be walking away from that pitiful excuse for a tea house, thinly veiled as a whorehouse. I could not believe that I had acted so impetuously. It was the water in me. Never thinking, just going.

Nobu-san.

He was worth this degradation of self. I was sure of it. I patted the money which was secured in my obi. At last I could repay him for every kindness, every generosity. I was also certain that the price was worth it. I knew, as Hideo had suggested, that Nobu-san would rather kill himself than see what I had done. I could only pray to the gods that he would never know.

This is why I never went to see Nobu-san in prison. Even if I had the money to bribe someone to let me in, I imagined that he would know. He would see it on my face what I had planned to do. He would know, and he would never see me again.

I pondered a life without Nobu-san as I made my way back to the okiya in the chilly morning air. It was not a pleasant thought. Out of all the people in my life, Nobu-san was the one who had never let me down. Although he had traded my pride for the Chairman's, Nobu-san had always cared for me, I was sure of that. I knew that he would do anything to save me from harm.

Already two important men had walked permanently out of my life. My father and the Chairman. My father sold me to this life, the Chairman sold himself to Hatsumomo. Now, I had sold my body to Tanaka, to save Nobu. Nobu was the man that my heart belonged to. I knew that I loved him the moment I saw him in the street on the day of the bombing.

I also knew the love that I had for him was real and familiar to me. I knew every groove and curve of my feelings for him the way I knew the angles of the red star comb. Like the comb, I could be in the darkest room, and I would know what it was; love. I would do anything, even sell my body, to protect this love.

Auntie was at the door when I returned. Her face was almost purple. She was probably struggling not to cough.

"Hurry!" she hissed. "Quick before any of the neighbors see!" I gathered my kimono and hurried through the door. Wordlessly, Auntie handed me a basin of warm water. She motioned me to go upstairs. I went to one of the rooms upstairs to wash myself in privacy. I stripped down to my cotton undergarments. Although we had no soap, Auntie had thoughtfully found some pine sap and put it into the water so that the warm water had at least some scent.

The pine sap reminded me of Nobu-san. How fitting that this incident should continue to cause me pain and haunt me even after it was over. I quickly washed my body with the water, but even after I was done, I could smell Hideo's cigarettes. I wanted to linger and try to get the smell out of my hair, but Pumpkin slept upstairs, and I did not want to chance waking her.

"Did you get the money?" Auntie whispered after I was done. I nodded and held out the yen. She took it and began to count it.

"So much!" Auntie murmured approvingly. Seeing the look on my face, she quieted, and then whispered. "Sayuri-san, I am not long for this world. I know that, but what you did for Nobu-san, even if he does not forgive you, it was a good thing."

I nodded. There was nothing I could say. What was done was done. There was no turning back.

Then a horrible thought occurred to me.

"Auntie!" I gasped. "The herbs! I did not have the herbs!" The room spun. What if Tanaka had gotten me with child? I wanted to slap myself for being so stupid as to forget, never minding the fact that I had no money to procure them.

Auntie shook her head. "You knew what you were doing, Sayuri. You know the risks when a man lies with you." Auntie sighed and then smothered a cough with her hand. The cough was wet and harsh. When she took away her hand, there was blood.

"If the god of luck is with you, you did not walk away from his bed with a child," Auntie managed, after wiping her hand on a rag and catching her breath. "It has been many months since the moon has passed over the clouds for you anyways. Your body is not ripe for making a child." Auntie never had a child. I hoped her knowledge proved useful.

"I will starve myself" I vowed, "I will throw myself down the stairs if Tanaka has impregnated me!"

"It will not come to that" Auntie soothed. "Come, now go lay down on your futon. You need rest. I will handle the others. You cannot think about trouble before it happens in cases like these."

"Thank you, Auntie" I touched her sleeve gently. "You have no idea what this means to me, what this means, to save Nobu-san." Auntie smiled grimly. She rarely showed so much emotion.

"You love him, I know" she said. She paused. In the early morning light, her face seemed young, in spite of its sharp protruding bones and the paleness of her skin. "I was in love with a man once. He was a customer. One of many." I must have looked surprised.

"He was not that handsome, or bright," she explained, "… and yet there was something about the way that he carried himself that I admired very much. He walked with the lightest of steps, and his skin was paper white. But I was never the popular, pretty geisha that you were. I could never lure a man to fall back in love with me." She sighed again. "To be young again! When I was your age, I would have sold my very eyesight for that man to love me back. At times like these, I am glad I am old and dying." She coughed again. "At times like these, I am glad that I was never the beauty that you were."

"Auntie…"

She poked me sharply. "Go lay down. Go! I will make some excuse for you, that you were up late searching for something for my cough."

"Thank you." I took my aching limbs to my bed. Everything that had transpired made me feel like I was becoming ill. My bones ached, whether with regret or fatigue, I did not know. All it once, the decisions I made weighed heavily on me.

The others were still sleeping soundly. No one had noticed my absence it seemed. I shifted restlessly on my futon, trying to find a soft place. I felt out of sorts and very tired. After a while, Auntie came and shuffled in, coughing as she made her way to her futon. I was surprised no one had woken. Her cough was loud.

My eyes waxed heavily with oncoming sleep. I wanted to sleep and forget everything that had occurred that night. I wanted to forget the smell of Tanaka's cigarettes and the look on his face when he gazed at my naked body. I even wanted to forget Nobu-san. I wanted to forget the world.

I wanted to release myself to mindless dreams, and I almost did, but then something caught my attention. For just a brief moment, I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

I thought to myself that it was too soon for dreams. But yet, there it was, a woman's face. She was smirking.

Hatsumomo?

No, the woman was not beautiful enough. The curve of her cheek was too round.

Pumpkin was smiling as I drifted off to sleep.