So this is how it's gonna be? That's all I get? That's all I deserve?

Well, hello, Kaidan, I've missed you too.

Quite frankly, I expected more. More understanding, wisdom, compassion. Just... more. Maybe that's my problem. Disappointment is where having expectations gets you.

For many days the hope, the sheer possibility of meeting you on Horizon was like a battery - it kept me alert, let me tear through small armies of Collectors, just so I could see you. But now that I have, it's gone. The energy, the drive - it's all washed away because you were there, so close, standing at arm's length and it didn't mean a damn thing. How you looked at me... I still have the image etched on my retina. The crease between your brows, the angry curve of mouth. Disbelief. Disgust. Sorrow.

I get it. In a way, it made sense, your reaction. It's been two years for you, two long years of grief, therapy, duty, interviews, bureaucracy, attention, more duty, more therapy. And then, routine. The blessed routine and maybe, finally, acceptance. God, you must have just started to forget about me. And then - bang! - here I am, all new and improved and sleeping with the enemy. It made sense, but watching your lips move, judging, accusing me, even as I tried to convince myself of all the reasons that could justify your words, inside I was falling apart. What about me, Kaidan? What about me?

You can survive for up to a minute in outer space with a damaged suit, right? Yeah, you know that, you had to pass the simulation before they let you enlist. Ever wondered what being sucked into oblivion feels like? Well, let me tell you, the simulation pales in comparison. I knew I was dead anyway, but I still struggled, tried to hold on for as long as I could. Don't know why. Reflex, I guess. Before you ask, my life didn't flash before my eyes. It just got really cold, really fast. Why didn't I contact you? Because I was too busy playing space trash.

You're afraid I feel like I owe Cerberus? Damn right I do. They brought me back to life.

The Illusive Man's using me? Well of course he does, but let me ask you something. Say you're in a burning building. What would you do? Run through the fire, or lock yourself in a room and choke on the fumes hoping that someone will come before the fire gets near? Sure, I could just take the Normandy, and it's not like I have no reason of my own to hate Cerberus. I haven't forgotten Akuze. I'd hide someplace they couldn't reach and wait, wait, endlessly wait for politicians at the Citadel to sift through the evidence while the Collectors pluck human colonies like acorns from a tree. Sounds good? Yeah. Didn't think so.

You have to understand, Kaidan, nothing about this war is clear-cut. The Council, Illusive Man, Alliance - everyone has an angle, and I'm forced to take the Devil's hand because I can't afford not to. Idealism is a luxury. Loyalty, morals, conscience - all needs to be put on the line, all needs to be bargained. That's what it takes to fight an enemy like Reapers, and even so, after all those sacrifices a "suicide mission" is the best we can hope for.

You know what's funny? I don't give two craps about the "suicide" part of it. There are worse ways to die. It's not the mission, it's the people that drive me mad. Miranda, my second in command, is a genetically engineered goddess with who knows what sleeper programs imbedded into her brain by her power-hungry boss. Will she turn on me if he orders it? And will Jacob, the mysterious ex-Alliance marine turned Cerberus, follow her if she does? The vat-grown bloodthirsty Krogan in a disaster waiting to happen. Zaeed's a common thug with no scruples over who he kills or how. Mordin... I don't even understand what he's saying half the time! Then there's the biotic juggernaut that I'm constantly tiptoeing around because the aforementioned Cerberus, the very group that saved yours truly, has fucked her up so badly she could snap my neck if I so much as glance at her sideways! Now that's a Christmas present the Reapers couldn't see coming! My own personal asari Justicar says I'll become her target practice the minute our assignment in case I inadvertently order her to break her Code which doesn't exactly lie in free eccess on the extranet by the way. Tali might die from flu. Garrus apparently thinks he's still a vigilante. The only member of this so-called team I can actually rely on is Thane. The assassin. You see, he has Keplar syndrome that'll kill him in a couple of years, but since we're all gonna die at the Collectors' hands anyway that's a no-issue, right?

God, what a fucking mess! Don't get me wrong, hunting Saren wasn't a walk in the park. Just like now, it was a race against time, and just like now, the enemy seemed always a step ahead, but it felt... different somehow. There was no plan, we just reacted. Maybe that's why it felt so simple. It's like the destiny itself was dragging my sorry ass forward, to war, to greatness, and you were with me. You, Ash, Liara, Wrex. Everyone on that team were like one body with a singular purpose. We were unstoppable, or at least that's how it felt. Now I just feel tired. Between pressure from the Illusive Man, tension in my team, disappearing colonies, your mistrust and my own fears I'm losing what little hope and assurance I had left.

I've seen Liara a couple of days ago, did I tell you? Another reunion. She surprised me, even more than you did. I remember how she was the first time we met. How she spoke to me later on Normandy. How fascinated she was by my history. How timidly she admitted her interest. I turned her down as gently as I could - that bird was so fragile. Oh, you should have seen her on Illium, in that lovely office with a view - there's little left of an innocent, awkward bookwork we've rescued on Therum. She's a woman; she's changed. It seems my death has inadvertently warped her whole future.

Kaidan, I owe her so much. She was the one who found my body and gave it to the Illusive Man, in case you didn't know. She's part of the reason I'm still alive, breathing, trying to change things. Liara could have been petty, selfish, vengeful or simply uncaring. We were friends, but not for long. We worked together, but out of necessity. She had feelings for me, but I chose you. She didn't owe me anything, and yet she spent two years trying to bring me back even when the news cried from every corner "Ding-dong, the witch is dead!"

That's friendship for you, Kaidan, and that's something I didn't really expect from Liara.

Was I wrong to expect it from you? We were friends long before we were lovers. I guess I thought that part of us will survive no matter what. As for romance... It was a complicated time. We had a mission; I didn't make plans beyond that, but I don't regret the night before Ilos. I needed you then. I was aching, scared, and desperate, just as I am now. Only now it's worse. Wrex in on Tuchanka. Liara's on Illium. Ashley, bless her, is beyond our worries. If it wasn't for Garrus and Tali I would've gone insane, that's for sure. Forget what I said about my team before. I was angry. My team's great; damaged in some way, but really who isn't these days? Those people will follow me to the end of the world and in a way I'm glad you won't be there. Someone needs to continue the fight if our mission goes south and, Horizon or not, I still trust you more than anyone. I will always care for you, Kaidan, no matter how this plays out, and I think you still care about me too. Strange as it may sound going beyond the Omega 4 will be a lot easier knowing that. For now I guess I'll just do my thing, you'll do yours, and maybe if we're very lucky one day we can start over.

That won't happen anytime soon, I remember how stubborn you are.

But it's okay. I can wait.

While my SW fic is stuck in a forever-WIP stage, I got inspired to write this small piece on ME. Basically my FemShepards's thoughts on meeting Kaidan on Horizon, before his letter and before her rage and hurt feelings had time to subdue. Enjoy, read and review.