Title: Hueco Mundo's Advice Column

Fandom: Bleach

Rating: T, for mild adult situations and language

Description: Hueco Mundo has a newsletter and Nnoitra is forced to be a columnist. He runs an advice column with a guest, answering your questions. A little bit of crack for fun.

Disclaimer: Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

A/N: Well, it's kind of unfair for the shinigami to get all the fun, isn't it? Slyswn28 gave me this idea unwittingly.

Nnoitra Gilga, quinto espada here. So I don't really want to do this, so hopefully you'll all just not like it and I can get out of it and do something more interesting (like anything but this). Aizen assigned all the espada parts of the new newsletter though, and this is what I got assigned. If he thinks I care about people's problems…well then, he's not as smart as he thinks he is. What the hell, how do I change font? Don't I have an editor or something? Wait…I'm the editor? Of what? The whole damn thing? How did that happen, did I lose a bet or something? Oh yeah, I did. Damn you Grimmjow, I swear you had aces up your sleeve or something. Plus I'm pretty sure I was way too drunk. I was taken advantage of!

Anyways, Tesla is right next to me so I'm making him help me. Next week I'll grab someone else so it won't be as boring. Next time you can send some questions in for us, but for now, I'll just have Tesla make some up.

Tesla, what's it like being Nnoitra's fraccion? What do you have to do as fraccion? – Fraccion Wanna-be

God Tesla, like anyone cares. – Nnoitra

Well, it's a bit different from the other fraccions. It varies from espada to espada what they have their underlings do. Grimmjow mostly ignored his, Harribel is friends with hers. I mostly act as a shield, I guess. When Nnoitra is pissed off he takes it out on me first. Then if he's still pissed off he goes after someone else, but a lot of times just "sparring" with me is enough to get the edge off. It's been harder since Aizen ordered the espada to not fight against each other. Nnoitra always walks around looking hungry but can't do anything about it, except mostly to me. I also have to get him sake, hollow meat, and do his laundry. – Tesla

Do espada and fraccion get paid? – Money curious

In what? We don't use money around here. I guess you could say…power is our money. If I want something, I'll take it. – Nnoitra

We all work in service to Aizen out of…er…loyalty…I guess you'd say. Yeah, the whole "I can beat you up" bully-based economy leaves a lot to be desired. - Tesla

Who has the most fraccion? – Arrancar #88

Szayel does. I guess. I mean, he makes a lot, but then he eats them. It's way creepy. Hear that Tesla? No complaining because at least I don't eat you. - Nnoitra

The octava espada, Szayel Aporro Granz has the most. He uses them both to help him do his research and um, as his research too. I think he originally had some real arrancar as his fraccion but once he cloned them he killed them off so that he can continually make more of them. At least, that's the rumor. – Tesla

Are you missing your eye or do you just wear the eye patch out of respect for Nnoitra? – Patchy

Boring question. Skip it. – Nnoitra

Do you mean me too? But I think it's an interesting…argh!...ouch…ok, skipping. – Tesla

Why is Santa Teresa so big? Are you compensating for something? – Zanpakuto collector

You know that I know that you're writing these questions, right Tesla? What the hell are you insinuating with this? – Nnoitra

Haha, don't know how that question go in there. I'm sure that his zanpakuto is so big because he's so very strong and has lots of spiritual pressure, not for any other possible reason. - Tesla

Ah, I'm bored already. The questions that Tesla makes up are stupid. Anyways, I'm figuring I'll grab Starrk for the next one. He'll be asleep and easier to corner the some of the others. Stick your questions in a review or pm and Starrk and I will answer them. Just try not to be too lame.