Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters. Contains spoilers for series 3 so if you haven't seen and don't want to know, don't read! Also contains slash references.

50 Ways to Annoy Arthur series 3

Tell him you didn't need to see him with donkey ears to know that he was an ass.

Tell him you think it's a bit pathetic if Merlin has to help him with his quest. He'll never prove he's a man that way.

Ask him if he's noticed Morgana's transition to wearing a lot of red and purple and producing evil smirks on a regular basis, and what he thinks it could possibly mean.

Tell him Uther says he's grounded.

For added effect, after 4) tell Uther that Arthur says he's grounding him.

Tell him, in the dirtiest, most suggestive voice you can muster, that you know why Merlin's bottom is sore really…

Send numerous love letters to Princess Elena in Arthur's handwriting.

Tell Merlin Arthur wants him to spring clean again. His whole room. This may involve turning it upside down and making it really, really messy first.

Stitch "Arthur luvs Gwen" into every one of Arthur's jackets.

Ask him if he was jealous of Gwen's relationship with Elyan. Then say "Oh no, wait, it's just you that has inappropriately close relationships with your siblings isn't it?"

Dress up as Elena, mimic her clumsy actions, then ask Arthur to marry you.

Tell everyone he sniffed Gwen's cloth. Preferably in Gwen's presence. Watch him squirm.

Ask him if he's jealous of Merlin's friendship with Gwaine.

For added effect, after 14) tell him that Gwaine only went on the quest to help Merlin out, not to help Arthur.

For added, added effect, after 15) comment on how much better Gwaine's hair is than Arthur's.

Whenever possible, bring up the bar wench who fancied Merlin.

Ask him who he thinks is more likely to win Gwen's heart – Lancelot or Gwaine? Or maybe Merlin? Or even Morgana? Etc. etc.

Address him as "Oi, dollophead!" When he reprimands you, say "Sorry, Prince Dollophead."

Mention the word "destiny" in conversation on an hourly basis.

Tell him you know what he's been thinking…and the "Round Table" is the stupidest idea you've ever heard. Stupider than Merlin's plan to dress Uther in women's clothing.

Tell him it really says something about his actual sexual prowess that he has to have the shiniest, prettiest, longest sword of all the knights. Cough the word "compensating" loudly whenever you see him showing off in battle.

Tell him he looked like a total nonce in that girly bracelet Morgana gave him.

Ask him incredulously if he knows anything about women at all. Because what girl would possibly want a dagger for her birthday? Unless she was turning to the forces of darkness…

For added effect, after 24) hum ominously whenever Morgana walks into the room.

Kiss attack him whenever you see him, dramatic slow-mo style.

Catch each of the knights on their own, one by one, and tell them confidingly that Arthur is attracted to them. Sit back and watch them all act weirdly during training with Arthur…

Spritz all of his shirts with the girliest, floweriest perfume you can find. Preferably Morgana's.

Start sporting the t shirt "Keep Calm and Bray like a Donkey".

Call him a "lazy daisy" whenever he's being particularly tough or trying to be manly and impress the women.

Mimic his face when he found out that Morgana was his sister, with exaggerated goldfish open mouth.

Tell him you know Gwaine would have totally whupped his butt in that battle.

Tell him Merlin fancies his sister. Phrase this as crudely as possible.

Make him kneel before Queen Morgana and ask him if he gets off on being subservient to a woman. Remind him she is his sister and call him a sick bastard.

Imitate his "If I told you, I would have to kill you" in increasingly ridiculous voices. Then casually observe that he said it to Merlin. And that in French, orgasm literally means "little death".

For added effect, begin making orgasmic noises as you are walking behind Merlin and Arthur through the woods – "Oh Arthur!" "Yes, Merlin, yes!" etc. etc.

Tell him you think it's a tad harsh that he forgot about all the other knights as soon as he found out that Sir Leon was alright.

Stalk into the throne room when Arthur is in the middle of an important meeting with his father and all his knights, point an accusing finger and shout – "You didn't care at all that Gwen was upset, did you? You were just consoling her so you got to feel her up! Pervert! Just because she's only a lowly servant girl and you're in love with her doesn't mean you can do what you want!"

Cover all the items he normally throws at Merlin with mounds and mounds of bubble wrap.

Buy him some flowers. Write on the card – "Dear Arthur-poo, a consolation gift that your ickle Merlin has forsaken you for big strong, manly Gwaine. X"

Answer every question he asks you with "Because it is your destiny to become a great king, Arthur". Even if it's nothing to do with what he said. Bonus points for adding – "Even though your woman leaves you for another and you get killed by a small, scary boy."

Say "hey Arthur, remember the time Uther told you Morgana was actually your sister? Oh no, wait, he didn't."

Paint "Prince Pratdragon" on the back of the chair he will sit on at the round table.

Repeatedly make inappropriate jokes about Morgana being hot.

Replace his seat at the Round Table with a beanbag.

Ask him if he's king yet. Observe that he can't be trying very hard if Morgana and even a troll have come closer to the throne than he has. Maybe he doesn't want to be king after all…

Leave a copy of The Morte De Arthur on his bed. Highlight the passages in which Guinevere has an affair with Lancelot and the part in which Mordred kills him.

Take the mick out of his line "I hoped I had forsaken her for one equally as lovely." In front of his knights.

Quote his grand speech about equality around the Round Table despite treating Merlin more like a slave than a servant…

Tell him that walking through a picturesque corn field with Merlin and being unusually nice to him, and then telling Gwen that his dream is to live on a farm with Merlin…is quite shockingly doing nothing to dissuade the Merthur shippers.

Tell him to stop getting hit by arrows and the like, it's really inconvenient for everyone around him.