A/N: Hello everyone! I've just finished writing the first chapter of my new Twilight fanfic! Since English is not my mother language I'd like to ask you to, please be patient with me! My English is not perfect and there may be errors in the language etc. I just hope you'd kindly let me know if you've spotted some errors and correct me. :) I'd also really like a beta reader for the upcoming chapters. Please, inform me if you've any interest in being my beta reader!

So, about this fanfic... I just wanted to write something emotional about the one Twilight character I truly have become to admire - and that would be Leah Clearwater. I've always felt like I can relate to her character some way. Her story about failed romance and crushed hopes really touched me and I swore to myself I'd write a fanfic about her someday. That day is apparently today. Yay!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight saga, its characters or anything that has "Stephenie Meyer" clearly written on it. I make no money or other profit by writing this story – except for some perverted satisfaction I get from torturing her beloved characters. * cough * I only own the idea of making this fanfic and inventing its twisted plot. Everything else belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

Warnings: This fanfic has got some themes that may disturb some people. Mostly it's about angst and describing depression/anxiety. Still it's nothing too bad I promise. Just read all the warnings before you start to read the story and you'll be fine. ^^

I think that's enough blabbering for now. Let's begin our story, shall we?

Chapter One: Hurt

Chapter Preview: "What did they know about it? What did they know about the pain which tore up my heart every time I saw Sam Uley? They knew nothing about it. Absolutely nothing."

I was sitting alone on the white beach admiring the stormy sea which extended far away into the distance. The wind was messing up my short black hair which managed to make me even more irritated than I already was. I tried fiercely to smooth down my hair, which did nothing to obey me but instead flew on my face over and over again. Finally I scowled in frustration and gave up.

Nothing else could have described my anguished feelings better than those furious waves that wiped the shoreline. The waves almost reached to the point where I was sitting on a hollow tree trunk. Right behind my back was a thick green forest I had had to ran through in order to get onto that beach. It was one of my favorite places, because it was located on the farthest possible corner away from the others. By the others I meant other shape-shifters, like for example Jacob Black, my brother Seth and Sam Uley. My heart leaped painfully in my chest as my thoughts were concentrated on the last-mentioned person.

No, I don't want to think about him. Not now. Never. But still I always found myself thinking about him. He was constantly on my mind – which was rather irritating not only in my opinion but also in the others' who were part of Jacob's pack like myself. I, Jacob, Seth, Embry Call and Quil Ateara were all part of his pack. We could hear each other's thoughts up to great distances and we were like a real family. Jacob was the alpha male while I was the beta meaning that I would take over as the alpha if something happened to happen to Jacob. The thought was both tempting and gross.

If I became the leader I would have had to spend more time with Sam, who was also the leader of his own pack – the pack which we others had left to join in the one of Jacob's. For me it had been like a good stroke of luck, a small beam of light in that gloomy catastrophe that was my life. The rest of our pack had been less satisfied about having to leave Sam. Even Jacob would have gladly stayed in his pack had it not threatened to kill Isabella Cullen and her halfbreed daughter Renesmee, who Sam had thought was a threat to the shape-shifters.

At first Renesmee was thought to be an immortal child – a creature that had still been a human child while she was turned into a vampire. The laws of the leeches (I was actually pretty damn surprised they even had those) strictly forbid their existence, so naturally Renesmee had gained a lot of attention amongst the vampires and the shape-shifters. The Volturi guard which was considered to be the lawmaker of the leech world had of course came to visit Renesmee in an attempt to destroy her along with her family who they thought had broken the rules. At least that was until her family and a great deal of their leech friends had pointed out that it was all a big misunderstanding. Renesmee was not an immortal child but a half vampire: she was half human, half vampire. When this had been made clear to the royal leeches, they had finally given up and withdrawn from the scene.

If you want my honest opinion I couldn't have cared less what happened to that mommy leech and her freaky offspring. My only reason to join Jacob's pack was to protect my little brother Seth and get rid of Sam and the pain which only the sight of him made me feel. One could have thought that I had been punished enough because I was forced to witness the love of my life being happy with someone else, but no – I had to also be able to hear his thoughts. I'd hear how happy the sight of Emily made Sam feel or how wonderful it felt when they were together, when they kissed -

The thought made me want to vomit. Actually I was already clenching my hands around stomach and gasping for air when I realized there would be no chance of such a relief. Like always I closed my eyes and took a deep calming breath. When I finally opened my eyes I saw the open sea in front of me which made me feel only a little better. My stomach was still churning but I did try my best to neglect the feeling like always before. I had actually become quite good at it if you asked me. If my thoughts didn't count the rest of the pack would have hardly noticed how I really felt by now. I could smile, I could laugh along with the rest of them but there was still this certain little piece of me that had gone missing. It felt like I was dead from the inside. Like my eyes had lost their lively blaze that proofed I was still alive, like my laugh had lost its precious ringing.

I poked the wet sand absentmindedly with my toes. Nobody was missing me. No one had come to search for me. Not like I would want that, not like I needed company. But sometimes I felt like I was invisible. I was not Leah Clearwater. I was that "angry girl, whose first love had fallen in love with her cousin and who had turned out to be the only female shape-shifter in the history of the Quileute tribe". What a nice title I had there, I thought sarcastically. If there was anything good about my life it must have been the fact that it couldn't get much worse.

I hated my life. At times I would think the world would have been a much better place had I never been born. It would have made everyone's life much happier for then nobody would have needed to hear my bitter and jealous thoughts which I used to torture everyone around me. It was still true that my thoughts had turned a little for the better after I had left Sam's pack and joined in Jacob's. No more did I have to hear how much Sam loved Emily or how sorry he was that he had hurt me. It was the worst part – to know that Sam really was sorry, that he wouldn't have liked to hurt me in the first place. It was just that he couldn't do much about it for he had imprinted on Emily. Nothing could have hurt me more than that. To know that had my destiny been a little more beneficial, Sam would have never met Emily and he wouldn't have had to leave me. Sam and I would have been together happily.

But my destiny had turned out to be something quite the opposite. I had been meant to watch everyone else found their happiness while my own decided to unfairly and cowardly avoid me. I had been forced to watch Sam and Emily together for years while my own heart had been torn apart. And then they told me that it was wrong of me to torture Sam with my thoughts like that – that I should have just forgotten him. What did they know about it? What did they know about the pain which tore up my heart every time I saw Sam Uley? They knew nothing about it. Absolutely nothing. It was not like I had decided to feel betrayed and hurt. Besides how could I have possibly forgotten those few rare moments in my life that had actually made it worth living? How could I have looked into the future and told myself I'd never feel that kind of happiness again? I wish I had been able to turn back time so I could have lived those moments again – for all eternity.

I knew I shouldn't have done it but I let those memories flow back in my mind. I concentrated hard on that one especially happy moment – the moment we had sat together around a bonfire and Sam had held me close to him. I could feel his hot chest against my cheek, his muscular arms around me, his lips on the top of my head as he whispered to me that he loved me...for the first time. I could feel the heat spreading in my chest as his words slowly sank into my consciousness.

Something hot and wet was dripping down my cheeks. At first I thought it had started to rain but then I realized that it was only me who had started to cry uncontrollably. The violent sobs shook all over my body and my vision blurred as the tears flooded my eyes. I wanted to scream but my throat was painfully dry. My face twisted in pain which seemed to take over me at the moment. My arms were clenching my sides as I tried to restrain my sobs. I breathed with short and sudden gasps, which shook my whole body.

Slowly I got myself back under control. I started immediately to wipe my eyes onto my sleeve - in other words to destroy all the evidence of my late mental meltdown. I knew that I would have to spend another lone moment with my thoughts so that the red of my eyes would subside but it was nothing compared to what I'd have to put through if the others had seen me in that condition. All those pitying and compassionate glances I always received when either Jacob or Seth would hear my aching thoughts, were too much for me. I hated to be pitied – more than anything else in the world. I had always been strong and persistent, a true survivor. Pity was the worst of my enemies. Even a few of those leeches had looked at me pitying after they had learned my true motive to join into Renesmee's Protection Guard – my broken heart. I had learned a long ago that nothing represented a weakness better than the amount of pity received from the others – but I was not a weakling.

However, my late experiences told me otherwise. Last spring I had lost my father Harry Clearwater due to a sudden heart attack. I can't even begin to describe the grief I felt. My father had always been the one supporting me through everything. He had died very soon after hearing about Seth and I transforming into shape-shifters. The knowledge had filled me and Seth with a great quilt and overpowering sadness because we both felt like we had been responsible for his death. Sometimes I still wondered how our lives could have been had we not transformed... Our father could still have breathed.

But like his death and the case with Sam weren't already enough I was now completely lost because Jacob had imprinted – and no less than on that half-leech. I had truly worshiped Jacob and his courage to confront Sam by setting up his very own pack. He had done it for love – even for the most unsuccessful one. I had felt like Jacob was the only one who knew how I felt when Sam fell in love with Emily. I had felt like I was not alone. Jacob knew how it felt to look into the eyes of your loved one and know that you could never be nothing more than friends – probably not even that. At nights when we had been alone with Jacob while the rest of the pack had been hunting we had actually talked about it. And we had understood each other perfectly.

But then everything had changed. That helpless leechlover had delivered yet another leech into this world – well, actually she is a half-leech like I already stated but to me they were the exact same thing. Jacob had imprinted on her at the exact same moment he had first layed his eyes on her – and the old Jacob I had grown to love almost like my own brother had gone missing. His need to protect Renesmee was as obsessive as Sam's lovesick admiration towards Emily – and that made me sick. From that on everything else was secondary to him. Renesmee and her happiness came before everything else. At first I had tried to be sympathetic but slowly I had began to realize that Jacob was starting to turn into that kind of a person I had been trying to run away from with all my might. Jacob had became like Sam and now there was no one who understood me. I had been left alone once again.

I had been a fool to think that someone could have actually loved or understood me. No one really cared. Jacob must have only pretended to be interested so that he and everyone else could have a peace of mind. He had had other worries, like Bella, whose life had been endangered by her abnormal leech pregnancy. Bella had always been the one Jacob loved and after her there was Renesmee who had taken over her mother's place in Jacob's heart. Had I truly been naive enough to think that he could have cared about me? I should have known better than that. My past had taught me it was not wise to trust other people.

This time the sea breeze really brought a few raindrops down from the skies to my face. I glanced up to the sky and saw the dark clouds form a tight front which crept broodingly closer to me. I decided it was time to head home. I got up from the silvery tree trunk and flexed my limbs for a quick homecoming. I walked to the border of the forest behind me, but before I changed my form I turned around to look at the stormy sea for the one last time. I let all of my gloomy thoughts be washed away with the waves and be led to the open sea before I allowed myself to turn into a gray wolf. Like usually my body needed a moment to get used to the new skin, but when it was done, I jumped gracefully into the shade of the forest and sped up my pace to an unbelievably fast run.