Authors Notes: First Casey/Olivia fic/drabble. Not sure where I am going with it, but here it is! Hope you enjoy! Please review and if I should continue!

Disclaimers: I do not own Casey Novak or Olivia Benson or anything involving Law and Order: SVU.

I'm a young, intelligent, focused Assistant District Attorney who prosecutes the bad men and women in this world; a 71 percent success rate in the cases I prosecute, yet I have no clue how to handle a situation when it involves that throbbing organ behind my ribcage. It all happened a few months ago after joining the SVU unit. The confusion, that is. The culprit that caused this perplexity? Detective Olivia Benson.

Things had started off poorly between her and I and I didn't understand why she was so hostile when we had just met. It was off-putting and discouraging, but I didn't allow it to get to me nor stop me from doing my job. There was reasoning behind her behavior that I wasn't told of until recently. I had learned that I had apparently replaced the position of an amazing A.D.A and couldn't possibly fill her shoes. Stabler had informed me on how close Olivia and Alex Cobat were. They were good co-workers and good friends. I didn't put two and two together to fully understand why this had upset Olivia so much. I was oblivious for a long time. I wasn't sure if it had been unintentional or not.

I would have been a liar if I said I was not jealous and frustrated. I was a self-assured woman. I always felt a need to impress people, to gain their acceptance, but I didn't allow it to show. So, it was only natural for my frustration to grow when I couldn't befriend Olivia. I became obsessed with trying to gain her appreciation, her acknowledgement, anything to make her at least tolerate me. As time past, she warmed up to me and I could say we at least became more than co-workers but not quite true friends. I was alright with that. We were civil and we were professional. We had our arguments that involved ethics and morals, but they were only small feuds.

I felt Olivia and I eventually started to become closer. By becoming closer with Olivia, I became closer with the other SVU members: Elliot, Finn, Munch, Huang. I didn't have much time to make friends when I was married to my job, so it was a nice change to have some friends to go and get a drink with. It took away the lonely nights I had to endure and fill the void that taken place since I left my ex-fiancé.

I went out more and more with Olivia. We kept things simple. We talked mostly about work and previous work experiences. It was rare to get personal information out of each other. I knew very little of Olivia and Olivia knew very little of me. And I wanted to keep it that way once I started to wish I knew more about Olivia; when I wish we were getting closer. This is when the confusion began to build like blocks in my head. I didn't know what to make of it.

I nearly aced my LSATS with a 178/180, I graduated top of my class from NYU Law and yet I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I started to feel attracted to this detective. Yes, attracted. It was as foreign to me as learning a new language. I had experimented in college, but it was meaningless drunk nights. I would have bet my life on that I was completely into men. I spent hours and hours lying in bed, thinking of Detective Benson. Trying to analyze the predicament I was in. Trying to solve and win it like a court case. I had stopped going to bars with the woman until I felt my heart yearn to be next to her. I tortured myself during the process. It was then I started making excuses to see her, to spend some time with her; whether it was five minutes or hours. I knew I had to be confusing her. It was hard for me to reason anymore. My heart defeated my mind. I became less articulated around her and more foolish. I felt like a school girl with a crush. It was ridiculous, it was disgusting, it wasn't me.

I figured as time passed, my silly crush would. But, I soon found my crush wasn't getting better but was indeed getting worse. I tried to take action and figure out why my heart fluttered when I caught sight of her or how my breath would hitch in my throat when she called for me. It had to be the way she listened. She held a skill most people did not have. There was a reason she dealt with victims. It was how she understood me, how she didn't judge, and how she was so true. Olivia Benson was an honest human being. I had become jaded with this job. I saw society at its worse and so had Olivia. Yet, she always seemed to stay strong and try to see the best in humanity. She was so strong… unlike me. I was confident, yes, but not strong which most people often confused the two.

When ever around this detective, I felt safe. It wasn't an issue I normally had. I was never worried of something bad happening to me, but I knew if something did, Olivia would be there to rescue me. It was a comforting feeling.

With each passing day, I wondered if Olivia could ever feel the same way for me the way I felt for her. It was a nauseating feeling. Not because of the feeling that my heart may be ripped from my very chest, but because I had no clue whether or not Olivia was gay. I could have guessed but I was never good at defining a person's sexual identity.

I remember the day when Elliot approached me and had informed of some very important news on the detective I had fallen for. He had said the only reason he was telling me this news was because it was obvious how bad I was crushing over her. He had also said he could keep a secret and smiled. I was embarrassed but I also respected him. He had told me the sad story between Olivia and Alex. How they may have had more than a friendship, but he didn't know 100%. All he did know was how she had fallen in love with the previous A.D.A. The news was liberating but heartbreaking at the same time. I had smiled and cried that very night. It had been obvious now as to why she acted the way she did towards me when we first met.

Now that I held knowledge of a very important part of Olivias past, a bit of my worrying and stress had been relieved. At the same time, it clouded my judgment even more. If I caught a smile from her, I made believe it was special and just for me. This only made matters worse. I set up myself for disappointment. I lived in a fantasy world in my own head, coming up with lovely scenarios involving the two of us. People had to wake me from my daydream and gave me strange looks. It came to the point where Olivia started asking me what was going on through my mind. I knew I would blush and mumble. I soon began to feel the overwhelming, dreadful feeling of fear.

I feared Olivia would find out. I feared embarrassment. I feared failure. I feared rejection, her rejection. If she found out by mistake, by accident, I would be humiliated. I wouldn't know how to deal with it. I would run away as if my life were in dire danger. Yet,…I doubt I could ever muster up enough courage to confess my true feelings for her. It pained me by not telling her. It was like denying my lungs air to breathe. Anytime I came close to brushing a stray lock of hair from her eyes or pulling her into a warm embrace after a troubling case, I had to excuse myself in a hurry because I was too weak. I'd turn the corner and find a spot where no one could find me. I stayed there until I could gather myself up after shedding a few tears. Day by day, this amazing woman, this brilliant detective, this unmerciful goddess held more control over me.

Minutes became hours, hours turned into days, and days morphed into weeks. I lost more sleep over Olivia than I had over work. When lying in bed, I often turned to my pillow for comfort, holding it close and crying; crying out of frustration mostly. I still couldn't understand why fate had to be so cruel. I would then have to remind myself how foolish I was and how much I was overreacting. The liquor helped my racing mind and tearful eyes.

When I did cry, I sobbed. And when I sobbed I would ask myself why. It wasn't as if Olivia broke my heart, but it certainly felt like it. It was a tormenting feeling. My heartstrings would strain with the effort of trying to contain my beating heart from bursting from my chest. They threatened to snap which would leave me heartless. If that was the case, maybe I would be free from the civil war between my heart and mind. My mind would win, logic and reasoning would prevail and I would be able to retrain my normal life. But…I wasn't so fortunate.

"Casey," I heard a man call my name. It was Elliot. I was brought back to reality, no longer running the chronology of Olivia and my history.

"Why don't you just tell her," he said it as if it was that simple.

"Elliot…," is all I can muster as I look away.

"Casey you look like hell. I can tell this is eating at you."

"Gee, thanks," my voice is husky and I am not pleased. "Did it ever cross your mind that I may be very busy with work?"

"Shut up, Casey," he says bluntly. I could tell he is getting frustrated with me.

"Jesus, Elliot! Give me a goddamn break! I can't... I won't." I sigh and look out my office at the SVU unit. I see her sitting at her desk, talking to Munch, that beautiful smile on her face. I smile myself, but it soon fades.

"I know… I just know Olivia still loves Alex. When Alex is brought up, don't you notice how she goes off into a different world? How saddened she is?"

"She needs to move on. You can help her, Casey."

A moment of silence as I look back to her.

"And how do you know that, Elliot? Hmm? Suddenly, you're a mind reader as well as a detective?" My voice is harsh, as if I am in court.

"It's my job to read people. And I have been working with Liv for a long time. She mentions you more than you think."

My heart skips a beat, maybe two.

"What does she say," I ask eagerly, having to tone down my hopes.

"Why don't you ask her yourself?"

"Elliot! Stop being so difficult," I raise my voice, gathering attention from others in the building. I look out of the window, wondering if they could hear us; if Olivia could hear us. When she looks away from Munch and to me, I quickly shield my eyes.

"You're stronger than this, Casey, and you know it. You're a savage lioness in the courtroom but suddenly you turn into a meek mouse when it comes to something as simple as love?"

'Simple? Try the most complicated thing on this planet'.

"You have a chance, but you won't always. You better take it while you can." And just like that, he was out of my office, leaving me to stand there like a hopeless lost dog.

Elliot was right, though. If I thought I was a fool for loving this woman, I was an even bigger fool for not confronting my fears. Oh, but it was so much easier said than done. I already had begun to feel my heart racing just at the thought of telling her. It was becoming hard to breathe. My emerald eyes look up and they meet those beautiful brown eyes through the glass. She looks concerned. I try to force a smile, but it is unsuccessful. I hold my chest, hoping I could keep my heart from leaping out. She is getting up from her seat and heading this way. My eyes flashing in horror, I quickly begin to shuffle through papers, trying to look busy.

"Casey, is everything alright?" Her voice is soothing, but does not help me calm down. If fact, it makes it worse.

"Yeah, just stressed," I lie and act like I have lost something. I hope I can trick her. My voice is shaky. 'Calm yourself! Jesus!' I hiss to myself inside my head.

"Can I help?"

"Uh, no, it's just ….just a legal…document. I must have left it at my apar-," she interrupts me and places a hand on mine. I immediately stop, looking at it, my heart had stopped beating. It knows not how to react. I know not how to act.

"Casey…what's wrong? You can tell me."

'No, no I can't….'