*What's this? A one-shot? Who knew? :D Courtesy of Lex and Liss, we bring you an angsty and delightful one-shot. Enjoy.
**Not ours. La Corda d'Oro, that is. Pfft. :P
"It started out with a kiss. How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss; it was only a kiss."
She didn't quite understand it. She never thought that she could ever desire something more. She was married. She lived in a nice house. She loved her husband. She loved her whole life. But, obviously, it wasn't enough.
She held it in her hands, breathing deeply, silently counting the days in her head. She was completely at a loss. Falling back onto the bed, she tried to figure out what to do. How could she let that happen? It started out innocently: just catching up with an old friend at dinner. But, of course, innocently is not how it ended.
Actions are often taken without a single shred of regard for their consequences. Whichever way was taken, a heart would be broken, and she'd be shattered in an instant. The worst part was, she couldn't blame either of them. It was entirely her fault.
She looked up just as her bedroom door swung open. A small redheaded boy of three toddled over. "What's that, Mommy?" he asked, struggling to pull himself up onto the bed.
Kahoko panicked slightly, throwing the contents of her hand into the nearest trash can. "It's nothing, sweetie," she lied as she pulled the little boy onto her lap. She smoothed her son's bright red hair. That was the one thing he inherited from her. The rest of him, his light brown eyes, his dazzling smile, his fun-loving attitude, he obtained from his father.
A beautiful boy he was, doubtless his father's... The next child she had, however, would look nothing like his brother. He wouldn't, because they wouldn't share the same father.
Kahoko didn't have an excuse. She hadn't been drunk. She'd been clean, clear-headed, and with perfect judgment. There was no reason that what had happened had happened, except that Len Tsukimori had come sweeping back into her life, without regard for the perfect world she'd already built up around herself.
How could she possibly tell Len that she may be pregnant with his child? How could she tell Kazuki? He would be crushed. She could pretend that the child was his, but she couldn't control genetics. She wasn't even completely sure that Kazuki wasn't the father. The couple had wanted another baby for awhile, so it would be perfectly possible that her next child wouldn't be a bastard after all. But, there was always that small chance…
The single tear that rolled down her face was enough to draw the attention of the boy who was lying across her lap. "Mommy, what's wrong?" Kahoko shook her head in response; unable to open her mouth for fear that her voice would crack in an uncharacteristic display of weakness. The worst part was that Kazuki wasn't at fault. The worst part was that she still loved him, and that after all things were said and done, he might not love her any longer.
She heard the front door open and close with a thud. "Daddy's home!" the little boy shrieked as he bobbed up and down on his mother's lap. It wasn't long before Kazuki Hihara entered the master bedroom.
"Hey, Hiro!" Kazuki smiled at his son and mussed up his hair before looking down at his wife. "What's wrong, Kaho?" his face was filled with concern. Kahoko's innards seemed to twist in guilt at the nickname. He'd given that to her when they were in high school, and he still used it.
"I'm fine," she replied quietly. Kazuki looked skeptical, but he leaned down and gave her a sweet kiss. Hiro put his hands over his eyes and made disgusted sounds. "What? You think this is gross?" Kazuki smiled widely as he picked up his son and put him on his shoulders. "Just wait. In a few years, you'll be kissing all kinds of girls!"
Just like I've been kissing all kinds of men lately, Kazuki...
She shook her head, faking the smile that made her want to do little more than vomit. Kazuki Hihara looked at his wife curiously, tilting his head to the side like he had done years ago, back when they had first met, in high school so long ago.
"Hiro... Why don't you go watch some television or something?" Hiro left quietly, toddling off out the door, and as he did, the man turned to his wife. "What's wrong, Kaho?"
The woman's smile widened, and she resolved to not tell him, not yet, if ever. "Nothing, Kazuki. It's just... You know I love you, right?"
"Of course." He pulled the redhead into his arms, her head nuzzled into his chest and his own on her shoulder. "And I you, with all my heart."
Their close proximity made Kahoko want to burst into tears at her awful betrayal, but she held it in. Sooner or later, Kazuki would find out. Would he hold her like this once he did? Would he whisper sweet nothings into her ear? Would he even look at her anymore?
Kazuki felt that the front of his shirt was growing damp. He pulled his wife away to face him, seeing her eyes red with tears. "Kaho, what's wrong? I haven't seen you like this before. Are you sick? Did someone hurt you? Do I need to call a doctor? The police?" She couldn't help but let a quick giggle escape from her lips at the sight of her husband floundering around with worry like he used to do in high school.
"I'll be fine, Kazuki. I'm just a little worn out," she lied. She wished that she didn't have to lie. But she didn't have that luxury, nor did she deserve it. Lying was for those who generally told the truth, or those who were bad people; in the second respect, Kahoko decided, she was closer than the first.
Kazuki, more clever of intuition than many were aware, was well-certain that Kahoko wouldn't be fine. However, given her present state, the man knew better than to further push it. His wife crying was far from a usual occurrence, and the situation had caught Kazuki off guard; he wasn't sure of the circumstances causing this, and as such, all he could do to comfort the pretty redhead was hold her closer to him.
As she asked for solitude, Kazuki stood, walking towards the door. Right by it, he stopped briefly, eyes sweeping the trash can, and Kahoko's heart stopped. His eyes betrayed no sense of astonishment, however, and she relaxed. When Kazuki exited the room, though, his eyes shut, and he fought back the tears.
Whether they were of joy or sadness he didn't know. All he did know was that there was a reason that Kahoko Hihara was keeping that little pink plus sign from him. He tried convincing himself that it was because of all the hormones that she was acting like that, but even he couldn't persuade himself of it. There was something too odd about it. But, being the good man that he was, he left his wife to herself.
As soon as she was sure he was downstairs with Hiro, she grabbed up her cell phone and called up a familiar number.
"Yes, what is it?" The voice on the other end was annoyed.
"L-Len?" she asked quietly, "Can we talk really quick?"
The man cleared his throat. "I suppose a small break wouldn't harm my practice schedule. What is it, Hino?"
She felt a twist in her gut. "My last name is Hihara now, Len. And we need to talk about what happened two months ago..."
"What of it?" She heard sheet music being shifted over the phone.
"I-I, um... I'm pregnant, and it might be yours," she said the last part quickly, squeezing her eyes shut, fearing the worse.
"Kahoko, don't mess with me right now. I have to catch a plane in half an hour."
"I'm being serious, Len!" Len suddenly stopped packing his suitcase at her nervous tone.
After a deafening silence he began, "Kahoko, don't tell anyone about this. What took place two months ago never happened, got it? That baby, it's Kazuki's. Even if it comes out with blue hair, you swear up and down that it's Kazuki's." She tried to protest, but Len cut her off, "Look, I can't afford to waste time raising a family right now. I'm in the prime of my career. I can't drop everything just because some girl I used to know may be having a kid with my genetic code. If you try to bring me into this, I'll only deny it. And who are they going to believe, a housewife or a famous violinist? Besides, Kazuki will be thrice the father I could be. Goodbye, Kahoko. Remember everything I said." And with a soft click, he was gone and she was in tears.
Len really hated to do that to her, but he had to do whatever he could to keep Kahoko and Kazuki together. Len was partially to blame for the whole ordeal, and not owning up to his actions bothered him. But he really was in no position to raise a child. He would never be around. And a child without a father wouldn't get far in the cut-throat world where Len flourished. It also wouldn't be fair to ruin a perfectly happy family over one stupid, rash, rueful mistake. Backing down was the only way Len knew to assure that Kahoko's child would have a loving family and support. If she tried to ruin his semi-selfless act, he would tell everyone that she was hysterical due to hormones. Everyone would believe that, right?
Kahoko let out a heart wrenching shriek, well aware of the fact that Kazuki had gone outside, but forgetting that Hiro was still in the room with her. At the sound of her voice, the small child began crying of his own accord, and even as her own tears began, Kahoko took the boy in her own arms, rocking him back and forth, saying, over and over and over again, "I'm so sorry, Hiro. I'm so, so, so sorry..."
Hiro thought she was apologizing for her screams; Kahoko was really only begging for forgiveness for her treachery.
It was another month before Kahoko finally came clean on the subject of her pregnancy; perhaps clean wasn't the right word. In the month next, the woman told her husband she was pregnant. Kahoko most certainly didn't tell Kazuki that she wasn't even certain the baby would be his.
Over and over again, all she could think was, 'It was only one time, I was only unfaithful one time...' Kahoko Hihara didn't think that the consequences of a one-time mistake had ever haunted someone the way her actions haunted her.
Kazuki's joy was scripted, but he was naught if not a perfect actor. Kahoko never knew that her husband had already discovered she was pregnant, that he had seen the pregnancy test in the trash can on that day that seemed eons gone by, although it was only a month in the past.
His joy, the way Kazuki's eyes lit up, and the ecstasy that was in the father's voice as he told Hiro that he would have a younger brother, did nothing to still the guilt that was tearing Kahoko to pieces. Kazuki knew. He didn't know what was wrong, but he knew that something was. Kahoko wasn't nearly the actor that he himself was, and Kazuki couldn't decide if he was strong or weak for not taking her aside and getting to the bottom of whatever issue was at hand.
Hiro, on the other hand, hadn't taken the news all that well. He had crossed his arms, and looked at his redheaded mother, saying, obnoxiously, "How come, Mommy? How come you had to get pregnant?"
And his words, although they were the innocent complaints of a child who knew not what he was saying, made her eyes water and her lips pull tight, the final defense of a woman who refused to cry in front of her child again.
Kazuki grinned at his son. "Well, we were planning to have this talk when you were a bit older...But since you asked...You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other, they do this thing, let's call it a wrestling tournament..."
Kahoko's jaw dropped at her husband's words, and a teardrop fell due to the sudden release of tension. "Kazuki!" She lightly slapped his chest.
The man grinned before picking up his child and ruffling his hair. "Oh, come on, Kaho. Did you really think I'd tell him?" He winked. "We'll talk about that particular subject once you're married. Because that's when you'll use that information most, kid." He put Hiro on his shoulders as they went outside to play their daily game of basketball before supper.
Kahoko sighed as she sat down in a rocking chair, letting another tear fall. She felt awful. Her next child, he/she may not have been created out of love between a mommy and daddy, like Kazuki said. The wrestling tournament was definitely involved. He had that much right. Kahoko put a shaky hand on the slight mound that was now her stomach. "Why? Why do you have to exist? Everything was perfect, until you." She covered her mouth with her other hand. How could she say such things to her unborn child, regardless of parentage? "Because it's true," she whispered, answering her own question as another tear slid down her cheek.
Dreamland didn't help her, sending her into bouts of utmost anxiety during the day and waking her to silent fits of tears during the night. Never before had Kahoko been so thankful that her husband was a heavy sleeper; the bed they two shared rustled as she slipped from beneath the covers with the sky just barely breaking pink. Seven months into her pregnancy, morning sickness racked Kahoko's body, losing the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl she had just barely managed to reach in time.
Kahoko turned on the shower, just shedding her clothes before slowly laying down under the steady stream of water that came beating down. The water pounded onto her stomach, in unison with her beating heart and accentuating the tears that were streaming down her face. It had been a long time since the redhead had gone a full twenty-four hours without crying, she contemplated. The tears stopped coming for a bit, and she rested her eyes, forgetting everything but the hot droplets falling from above. It was a sharp kick from the baby within her that brought her back to her harsh reality. With a bitter laugh, and another kick delivered to her stomach, Kahoko realized; this baby, if it was the result of her mistake, had definitely inherited Len's harshness.
As she got out of the shower and wrapped a warm robe around her, the baby kicked again. This time, instead of a light jolt in her stomach, she recieved a kick that could almost be described as painful. "Ow!" she cried out quietly. "What is it?" she asked her obtuse belly. The response was another sharp kick. "What's going on in there?" She waddled over to the bed where Kazuki was sleeping soundly and laid herself down slowly. Another kick caused her to whimper quietly.
"Hmmm?" the large shape on the other side of the bed groaned as he propped himself up on his elbow. "Kaho, what're you doing up so early? It's like four in the morning..." He noticed the slightly pained expression on his young wife's face. "What's wrong, sweetheart? Are you okay?" His sleepy eyes flashed with concern. In response, Kahoko took his hand and placed it on her bulging stomach just in time for the baby to deliver another hard kick. "Wow! I don't remember Hiro ever kicking that hard! Maybe we have a soccer player on our hands. We may have to have Ryotaro come coach him." Kazuki smiled his signature smile before realizing that his wife was actually in pain. "I have an idea."
Kahoko waited as Kazuki ran from the room, returning with his shiny silver trumpet. "I have just the song," he grinned as he sat next to his wife on the bed. The song was quiet and at first, Kahoko didn't realize what it was. It wasn't until the baby stopped kicking that she realized, "Ave Maria," she whispered. Kazuki nodded and continued to play. Tears started to form in her eyes yet again, but she held them back. The song ended in a painfully beautiful decrescendo. "I know it's one of your favorites," her husband said quietly, putting a hand on her stomach. "Apparently it's one of the baby's favorites, too." He grinned and kissed Kahoko's forehead before returning his trumpet to another room.
Kahoko only let one tear fall. Ave Maria, she thought ruefully, that's the song Len and I always played together. Why couldn't Kazuki have played Gavotte? That's our song. Kahoko, in her hormonal brain, started to think that her baby was of the Tsukimori lineage simple because of how it reacted to her and Len's one song. Then again, it could be the trumpet that the baby responded to. Kahoko put her face in her hands. She just didn't know anything anymore.
Kahoko tried to console herself. It was one time, Kahoko. One time. One time, compared to Kazuki. The chances of it being Len's baby, compared to the thousand times it could be Kazuki's baby? You're being ridiculous, crazy, and paranoid. And it was just as she'd managed to calm herself again that Kazuki came back once more.
The man was far from a boy anymore, though the silly grin on his face wouldn't let anyone besides his wife know the maturity he had at his disposal. It was this maturity, combined with a courage he didn't think he should need to talk to Kahoko, that allowed him to finally confront her. She'd laid back down on the bed, and the man, concerned thoroughly for her, laid down beside her, on his side in contrast to Kahoko laying on her back. Resting a hand on her face, Kahoko's body reacted shockingly, jumping a mile out of her skin before calming herself. Kazuki couldn't help but wince at her less than welcoming bodily response, and he said, "I'm not sure what's wrong, Kahoko, but I love you. I love you, I love Hiro, and I love our unborn baby, too. You know, I was thinking... You used to talk all the time about how you missed Len. If the baby's a boy, we should name him that. That way, you'll always have a Len in your life."
A convulsion racked Kahoko's body, and she grabbed for her husband, needing him to be the one thing stable in her life. "Why does it hurt so much, Kazuki? It hurts!"
Kazuki thought she was talking about the pregnancy, though Kahoko had never yelled like this before. She kept on repeating it over and over again, and it was all the man could do to hold his wife, muttering, "It's okay, it's okay," even though he didn't know if it would be because he was blissfully unaware of the situation he was in.
-
It was the next month that Kahoko's water broke. All the way to the hospital, she kept apologizing. "I'm sorry, Kazuki. I'm so, so sorry."
Of course, the man didn't know that she was referring to her adultary. "It's okay, Kaho. We can get new sheets and a mattress. It's not a big deal, sweetheart. It will all be worth it once Len comes." Kazuki smiled and put a calming hand on his wife's belly. Kahoko turned another shade whiter just before another contraction hit her. Kazuki pressed ever harder down on the gas pedal.
Since the baby was a month early, they felt that it would be safer and less painful for Kahoko to be put under during the delivery. Kahoko protested at first. She wanted to give birth naturally, that way she could feel all the pain that Kazuki would feel emotionally if the baby was Len's. "Kaho," Kazuki said softly, "just do it. You are under way too much stress as it is. It's not safe for you or the baby anymore." Slowly, she nodded and soon enough she was drifting along the edges of sleep. "I'll be right here when you wake up, Kaho. I love you." Her last thought before completely going under was, We'll just see if you're still here, still in love with me, once the baby's born.
The anesthesia made Kahoko dream of a night that she would much rather forget existed.
It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss; it was only a kiss.
Len was in town for the first time in years. Kahoko hadn't seen him since she and Kazuki's wedding. She was absolutely delighted when Len called and invited she and Kazuki to dinner at his hotel. Unfortunately, Kazuki was staying late at work that week trying to finish up a project, so only Kahoko was able to attend. They had a grand time dining together. They talked about the old days during the contest, Len's recent travels, and how Kahoko liked living the life of a married woman. But it soon grew late and the hotel's restaraunt would close. That was when Len invited her up to his room for some after-dinner cocktails. Kahoko accepted, eagar to keep talking to her old friend.
They sat on the suite's cream colored sofa and sipped at wine as they chatted. "You know, I had a crush on you back in high school, Len."
Len smirked at this comment. "I can't honestly say that I didn't find you attractive back then...or even now, for that matter." He took another swig from his glass.
"To think, we could have been something." Kahoko laughed airily.
"But Kazuki beat me to it. The one time he beats me..." Len wore a rueful expression. "Well, it's getting late." The two stood, uttering their goodbyes. Len leaned down and planted a small, sweet kiss on Kahoko's lips as a parting gift.
"Now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick. And it's all in my head, but she's touching his chest now. He takes off her dress now, let me go. I just can't look, it's killing me and taking control. Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies. Choking on your alibies. But that's just the price I pay. Destiny is calling me. Open up my eagar eyes...'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside."
Kahoko opened her eyes slowly, trying to figure out where she was. She felt sore...and empty. She turned slowly to find Kazuki grasping one of her hands in both of his, tears streaming down his face. "K-Kazuki...I'm so sorry..." She let a tear slip down her cheek as her husband looked up, surprised to see her awake.
He stood, stroking her sweaty, red hair. "Why are you sorry, sweetheart? It's not your fault. These things happen, honey. It's...It's not your fault." He sniffed and wiped away a tear.
"Where's the baby?" Kahoko asked bravely. She wanted to see the bastard child for herself. Kazuki remained silent. "Where is he?" she said as loud as she could.
"She's gone, baby. She's gone."
"What do you mean? I want to see it!" she felt more tears slide down her cheeks. He tried arguing with her, but she was adament. Kazuki left her for a moment and spoke to a nurse outside. She could tell that they were arguing in hushed tones. She was surprised when she heard Kazuki-sweet, kind, Kazuki-yell, "My wife wants to see her baby, goddamnit! Just let her see it! It's not hurting anyone!" his psyche collapsed with his tears. "Please, she really needs to see for herself..." The nurse gave in and soon, Kahoko was being pushed around the hospital in a wheelchair, Kazuki holding her hand protectively.
"Where are we going?" she demanded, but no one gave her an answer. It wasn't until they stood before a small metal drawer in the wall that she finally understood. She looked down at the grey skin of her dead child. Kahoko let all the tears fall from her eyes.
That baby girl, dead on the cold metal table of the hospital's mortuary, was a spitting image of Kazuki Hihara. She had his greenish-brown hair and even in death, she seemed to have a carefree smile. "They said that she had been dead for a couple weeks...we just didn't notice. They say it happens sometimes. I'm so sorry, Kaho...I'm sorry..."
Kahoko clung to her husband as she stared at the beautiful daughter she had murdered with her guilt. I deserve this, she told herself, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. "Her name is Shinju," Kahoko said quietly through her tears. Kazuki nodded sadly in agreement. The nurse saw that it would be put on the birth and death certificates.
Kahoko didn't think that Kazuki truly understood why she named their dead daughter Shinju. Shinju means Pearl.
And that child, she came at a great price. She came at the price of an innocent death, a marriage forever tainted, and a man's naivete taken advantage of.
And that child, she came at the price of Kahoko Hihara's happiness. Kahoko Hihara would never know happy again.