When McCoy was finally sick enough to see a doctor, it was too late.

"How long?" McCoy grumbled, crossing his arms across his chest and scowling. Dr. Petang sighed and thought for a minute.

"Six months, maybe seven and that's with radical chemo-"

"I don't want chemo," McCoy said, sneering. "Dammit Brick, I'm a doctor, you think I don't know what chemo does to your body?"

"Six to eight weeks then," Dr. Petang said, reaching out to pat McCoy's shoulder before thinking better of it. "We can manage your pain if you want."

McCoy was already climbing off the table and pulling his tunic back on. "I have rounds."

"Leonard, you can't practice medicine anymore, not in your condition-"

"I'm the Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise, like hell I can't prac-"

"You're not listening to me, Leonard. You've lost sixty pounds in the last year, your hands shake so bad your signature is unintelligible, your vision is going to shit, and you're anemic. McCoy, you're dying and the last thing you need to be doing is taking care of patients right now."

"So what am I supposed to do?" McCoy shouted, turning sharply. If Brick Petang didn't know his colleague better, he would have thought there was a hint of desperation in his voice. "Just sit around and wait to die?"

"You should go home and see your kid," Dr. Petang said gently. McCoy bristled; even as sick as he was, he was pretty sure Jocelyn wouldn't let him see Joanna. "Whatever you decide to do, you need to tell… someone."

The sentence hung in the air heavily; they both knew he meant Jim.

"Thank you, Brick."

"Leonard?" McCoy hesitated at the door but did not turn around. "I truly am sorry."

"I hate space."

"If we can sustain maximum warp, we can be there in ten days," Kirk said to Sulu, who nodded. "Replace the core once we get to Provis, collect any survivors and-"

"Jim, I need to talk to you."

Kirk and Sulu looked up, surprised to see McCoy standing there. He was off-duty and would normally be either asleep or unconscious by now. Kirk signaled one second to him and turned back to the coordinates he was pouring over with Sulu.

"Now!" McCoy shouted. Kirk jumped and exchanged a glance with Sulu.

"I'll be right back," he said, following McCoy into the hallway. "What's going on?"

"I'm dying, Jim," McCoy said, his voice low. Kirk stared at him as if he had just told him he was becoming a go-go dancer. "Six to eight weeks."

"I-"

"Gamma cancer. It's in my… bones."

Kirk said nothing before turning and walking back on to the bridge. He sat down with Sulu and picked up the coordinates, rolling them up and shoving them in the pocket next to his chair.

"Captain-"

"Keep her steady, Sulu. I have something to deal with, I'll be back in a little while."

Kirk walked back out into the hallway where McCoy was still standing and grabbed him by the upper arm, dragging him all the way back to his quarters. He keyed in the entry code and pushed Bones inside, not even waiting for the door to close before losing it.

"Take it back," he shouted, taking two steps towards McCoy. The doctor scowled.

"You think I'm kidding?"

"No, I think you're serious as a fucking heart attack. Why the hell am I just hearing about this?"

"I just found out, Jim-"

"Bullshit!" Kirk cried. His face was reddened, his head pounding. "You look like you're starving to death, you've been in pain for eight months, you fucking knew. Why didn't you tell me? Six weeks? That's a goddamn cop out, Bones. How could you do this to me?"

"To you? Nothing is happening to you!" McCoy shouted back and thought for a second that Jim was going to hit him. "You'll be fine when this is over."

"Fine? You think I'll be fine?" Kirk asked, his eyebrows raised. "You're my best friend, Bones-"

"You fuck all your best friends?"

"Just the lucky ones," Kirk shot back, setting his jaw. "If you think I hadn't noticed, you're insane. Shit Leonard, I knew you were sick, Sulu mentioned how sickly you're looking. What's your waist now, twenty-eight? You're a damn doctor, you knew something was wrong, why didn't you get help?"

"Chemo is hard, Jim, it can be worse than cancer-"

"BUT IT WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A CHANCE!" Kirk bellowed, beginning to sound crazed. "Six more months, another year! Why not take it? How could you do this to Joanna? To me? I love you, how am I supposed to do anything without you?"

The angry lump in Kirk's throat swelled as tears rose in his eyes. He felt foolish, knew he was being dramatic and didn't care. McCoy sighed and sat down on the bed, running his hands over his gaunt face.

"I didn't want to spend whatever time I had left hooked up to machines and drugs. I got eight months of normalcy," McCoy said, unable to look Kirk in the eye.

"But if I had known, I would have… we could have done things differently. I wasted so much time, Bones, if I had known-"

"You would have treated me like a Faberge egg the entire time. Under normal circumstances, you would have knocked me out by now, don't deny it. You would have. You're looking at me like I'm going to drop dead this second, for Christ's sake. And you'll be fine without me. You've never told me you loved me before, why start now? Jesus Jim, nothing has to change because of this. I'd rather nothing changed because of this. And I don't want people to know."

Kirk mouthed wordlessly, angry tears still wetting his cheeks, before scrubbing his face with his hands and turning to leave.

"Jim, I-"

"I'll see you tonight, okay?"

"Jim-"

"You should sleep. I'll be back in a few hours."

It seemed like the longest walk of his life to the bridge. Slumping down in his chair, the change in Kirk's demeanor was stark and obvious.

"Captain, are you alright?" Uhura asked. Kirk nodded without looking at her, though she could tell he'd been crying.

"Status report, Mr. Sulu?"

"All's well, sir."

"Good."