TITLE: Courage

SUMMARY: After a horrific ordeal, Tom Paris devises a way to ensure nothing like it will ever happen to him again. Unable to reach him, and with Tom falling faster and faster into self-destruct, Commander Chakotay faces a race against time to find out what Tom is doing - and why.

PAIRING: Will wind up as Tom/Chakotay

WARNING: Deals with anorexia and self-harm, graphic violence and rape. Not for the faint-hearted.

A/N: Chaptered Tom/Chakotay fic : )

We knew the drill, we knew where we were going and what we had to do there. We knew that the planet was inhabited by a hostile species. We knew that, and we were armed. I wasn't even slightly worried. I was laughing with Harry, I can even remember what about: he'd just tripped over a rock.

If I'd been paying more attention, it wouldn't have happened. We could have fought them off. Easily. Our weapons were far superior. But I wasn't paying enough attention, I wasn't looking. We were surrounded before I could reach for my phaser. Two blasts came straight for us.

When I came round, I didn't have a clue where we were. Harry was sitting against a wall, not too far away, and he leaned forward as I stirred.

"Tom, Tom. You OK?" I move limbs, sit up.

"Everything's still attached, so I guess so. What's going on?"

"No idea. I came to about five minutes ago. I haven't heard anything."

"D'you think they're just leaving us here? Maybe they'll call the Captain, negotiate a ransom." He points silently to the wall behind me. I come face to face with a skeleton.

"I don't think they're the ransom types." I grasp my chest.

"Comm. badges!"

"I've got them both. I figured what they didn't see, they don't need to know about. They took everything else though - weapons, tri-corders, our shoes although I'm not sure why."

"You saw the ground out there. You want to go over that barefoot?" I ask him, dryly.

"No."

"That's why they took our boots." Suddenly the door opens, and Harry shrinks against the wall slightly. I watch that closely. I set my chin. I'm the senior officer. This is my call now.

"Who's the senior out of you two Starfleet boys, then?" The voice is low and dangerous. I can't see the face, but judging by the shape, this is a humanoid life form, and male, I assume.

"I am. And you'd damn well be letting us go."

"Oh, I don't think so. See, we need information. And we aren't too fussy about how we get it."

"You'll kill us both before we talk."

"Oh, I don't think so, Starfleet. I think the one in the corner there would break first."

"Oh, I don't think so. Go near him and I'll kill you with my bare hands."

"You don't even know who I am. For all you know, I've claws in my throat."

"I saw your - people, I think? - outside. You've no more got claws in your throat than I have. My Captain's up there. She already knows we're missing, we missed the transporter time. And when she catches you, you'll die like a rat in a barn fire. They won't even have the ashes left to mourn you with."

"You're fiery, I like that. I would very much enjoy breaking you."

"Try it." I sneer. "Try it."

HPOV

They dragged him off, and he gave it as good as he got. He swore all sorts of violent retribution, and cursed them. I did nothing to stop them.

Hours later, maybe even the next day, they dragged him back. He wasn't moving, and he wasn't talking any more. He hung between two shadows like a rag doll, feet dragging on the floor. They threw him back in, and he crumpled like paper onto the floor. They were laughing as they walked away. It was so dark. He doesn't move. After what seems like hours, my badge crackles into life.

"Janeway to Kim, respond."

"Two to beam up!" I shout, relief pumping through my veins, adrenaline added to the mix when doors open somewhere down the corridor and a voice demands to know what is going on. "Now!"

We hit the transporter pad with a jarring thud, and someone screams. I look down at Tom, and throw myself toward him. He's covered with blood, no shirt, horrible wounds all over him. His left eye is swollen shut, his jaw cut right open, lip split, cheekbone crushed, head wound, cuts and gashes all over his chest. Captain Janeway looks down at us both with horror.

"Beam to Sickbay, crewman." Crewman Joor looks like she's going to be sick, but she does so, and Tom disappears. "Harry, what happened?" I'm still staring at the place where Tom vanished, looking at his blood on the floor. My head is screaming.

I let this happen. In doing nothing, I let this happen. This is my fault.