Twilight: For Dummies
( What goes through my mind as I watch Twilight.)

Authors Note: Ah, the popular movie/book saga. Twilight. The word that puts girls in a frenzy and make
boys groan with digust. I was persuaded to watch the first movie, well, more of tricked into it. I had previously
read the books, and, to be truthful, I wasn't very impressed. Now before I get loads of hatemail, there are some really
swell things about the saga that I like, mainly things that aren't about Edward,Bella, Jacob or Renesemme
So as I watched the movie, I kept having funny thoughts about the scenes that played before my eyes, so
the idea of recapping the movie came about. I urge you to be in good humor and to keep an open mind if you
intend on reading this further, it's mainly for fun and humor, not to piss off any fans of the saga. But,
hey if it does make you mad, just remember that I am only one lonely and pathetic person, it will make you
feel better as you curse my name. So sit back, grab a popcorn, perhaps a tissue and enjoy the show!

Oh, and P.S I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Just thought you should know. I'm also not Clint Eastwood either.
And I don't own the Twilight Saga rights or anything of that nature.
-

Scene 1 : Deer Scene/Bella's Voiceover

Bella: I've never given much thought to how I would die, but dieing in the place of someone I
love seems like a good way to go.

Recap: The first thing I thought of in this scene was Bambi. Seeing that helpless deer run, from what I could only imply was a sparklepire, made my heart shatter. It wasn't a gunman that killed Bambis mom, it was a vegetarian vampire, who knew?

I was actually rooting for the deer to get away, but alas. As for Bellas quote, well, I've have given thoughts to how I would die, such as being ate by a shark or attacked by my pet ferret , but dieing in the place of someone I love? Yea, sure. I better have a badass funeral though.

Scene 2: Bella Voiceover/Leaving Home

Bella: So I can't regret the decision to leave home.

Recap: Ah, the thoughts of a angst,guarded, pale teenager. Feeling the sorrow of leaving home. She would miss the heat, (seriously, the heat?) and her mother and her mothers boyfriend (awwwww, thats awfully cute, missing her moms boyfriend too) I would be like "Hey, I'm outta here bitches!" No, I'd cry and beg my mom to take me on the road, whereas she would slap me and tell me to get in the car.

Anyways, I see some forshadowing when she says "this will be a good thing, I think" Of course it will be a good thing Bella! What do you expect to ahppen? that your going to meet
a crazed bloodlust vampire who wants to om nom nom you, and then fall in love with him and meet his bitchy sister and animal killing family?
Haha, oh, Bella, you and your imagination.

Scene 3: Holy crap, ANOTHER voiceover/awkward car ride with po po dad

Charlie: Your hair is longer (awkward silence)
Bella: I cut it since last time I saw you (awkward silence)
Me: O.o *giggle* *snort*

Recap: The awkwardness in this scene really makes me apprecaite the fact that...well...I don't have to go see my dad who I haven't seen in "X"
amount of years. So, we find out in this scene that Charlie is the cheif of police to the small town of Forks. So I guess Bellas plans of underage drinking
and sex are out the window. Also that he picks up on, with his spidey senses that Bellas hair has grown longer, well yes, Charlie, that tends
to happen every so often. And Bella just says "I cut it since the last time I saw you" and awkard silence. But seriously folks, I had to replay this scene because
the first time I saw it I was tranced my Charlies mustache. I mean,cmon, that must be what Jesus's looked like. From then on i refered to him as Cheif Charlie Sexy Mustache.

Scene 4: Chief Charlie Sexy Mustache Home Tour

Bella: Oh, I forgot, one bathroom

Recap: Ah, welcome home, Bella, you might like to know that there is only one bathroom, so, it's gonna be awkward if you walk in on your dad dancing to the "Bad Boys" theme
song while playing with his sexy mustache. Oh, your room is quite lovely, I hear it hasn't changed since you were six or seven, so those barbies with the heads ripped off are
probably still there. Something to do at night right?

We also focus on a color in this scene. Purple! the sales lady picked it out, cause Charlie, being a man, didn't know if you would like the poopy brown color he picked and that poster of Jessica Alba half naked. The quote at the end is also something worth mentioning here, "one of the best things about Charlie, he doesn't hover" Ok, first, why you gotta hate on Sexy Mustache man like that? Why not call him father? Or dad? or maybe even daddy-o? Calling him by his first name just seems, WRONG. And Charlie doesn't hover. Why would he? You look so damn awkard and depressed, he was probably scared you would cry and ask for some chocolate
and tampons. Awwwkkkkkward.

Scene 5: Meeting Billy and Jacob/New Truck

Recap: Now I use the term "new" truck loosely. The truck isn't really new, but Bella actually shows a wee bit of emotion here, so it's worth mentioning. The big thing here is the
introduction of Billy and Jacob Black. The diaglogue between Billy and Charlie actually made me grin a little bit, then Bella started talking and it dissappeared.

And we get to meet Mr. I Like To Take My Shirt Off or his alias name, Jacob. Anywho, Bella and Jacob exhange a few words, something about mudpies and no, Bella, I'm not staring at your hooters. Jacob also feels the need to tell Bella he fixed the engine for her new shaggin wagon. Congrats bro, why don't you wow her next by doing a Justin Bieber hair flip?

Scene 6: New School

Bella: My first day at a new school, it's March, middle of the semester

Recap: Oh lawd, her first day, I feel for you Bella, new school, no one to talk to you, everyone gives you weird looks, and...oh wait I see
a Eric Yorkie coming up to you and your awkwardness. He knows your name and that your new, "Your Isabella Swan right?" ...See if that were me I would have been like
"No, I'm Ben, Ben Dover". But Eric offers her whatever she needs, how about some emotion? No, all out of that? Hmmm...

Bella then proceeds to tell him that she is more of a suffer in silence type. That's bullcrap. I've read the next three years of your life Bella, you never suffer in silence your always like "Turn me Edward! I want to be one of you, I'm not normal! BAWWWWWW". I bet that pissed of some of you twilight fans huh? I will proceed to the nest sequence, Gym class.Bella sure makes an impression "Teh Mike" or Mike Newton, the puppy eyed louurvver.

Yea, she bashes his cranium in with a volleyball, he waves it off like "It's all cool bro" But I bet you he goes home and ices his head while listening to Owl City and cries his eyes out. And cue in Jessica Stanley, she obviously wants Mikes ass. But, of course, Mike is all up in Bella's kool aid like "Hey I like your tits, wanna go out for some pizza and sex sometime?" and Bella is only thinking "Crap, me and my awkwardness". And then Mike proceeds to tell Bella her own name "Your Isabella right?" No dude she changed it, it's now Raajjjkkkkkffiikki. She corrects him with" No. It's just Bella" and you can so tell Jessica is thinking "Bitch is stealin Mike"

Scene 7: Cullen Introduction/Lunch

Bella: Who are they? (dramatic music)
Angela: The Cullens

Recap: My favorite scene, mainly because I can make fun of it so much. So it first starts out with Jessica talking, I didn't really listen much, there was a spider crawling up my chair at the time.
And Angela is then introduced, I actually like her, she is so nice. And then the signature black dude kisses Bella's cheek and steals Mikes chair,... assjockies. And the three girls resume talking about speedo padding and eating disorders, normal lunch talk. And then DRAMATIC MUSIC. We see lovely glistening bodies rounding outside the cafeteria. And all the fangirls scream!

Jessica and Angela then fill Bella in the juicy news about how they are Dr. and Mrs. Cullens fosters kids and how they are together "like together, together" Just say it Jessica. They have sex, lots of hot sex. She is jealous. And then a big guy and a playboy bunny walk in. And the fangirls scream "Ommggzz It's Emmet and Rosalie!" Yes, quite right, now wipe the drool of your face child. Then Jessica questions how legal it is for two adopted siblings to be having scrumdaliumptious lovemaking sessions.

Next in the lineup are two of my personal favorites, Alice and Jasper. It's quite hard for me to hate on these two. But Jasper does look he is trying not to sh*t his pants, can you say constipated? And Alice is wonderfully adorable with her elfish looks, I almost punched the screen when Jessica called her weird. And then the big climax, may I present Cullen. Good lord man, you ever hear of a brush? I mean I get that your undead but that's no reason to let your hair resemble a birds nest. Take some lessons from Jacob, his hair is perfectly silky and smooth, ask him to borrow some of his shampoo. Edward has the same look as Jasper, that "I gotta take a crap" look that makes the girls drool.

And then Jessica implies that Edward rejected her, your blood obviously didn't smell enough like fruit loops to get him into a blood frenzy over you Jess, I'm sorry. And then Bella and Edward share awkward looks with each other, and I'm on the ground
laughing at Eddies hair.

Scene 8: Lab/Edwards General Creepiness

(Not really any quotes in this scene, just funny death glares from a sadistic sparklepire)

Recap: Mike escorts Bella to her next class with the same dude from Thirteen Ghosts, he is the teacher, lovely. Bella decides she is hot or something and stands in front of the fan. And her hair is all like "sswwwiisssshhhhhh, super slow motion,swwiiisshhh" And Edward plugs his poor ickle nose, at first I thought Bella must really stink. But then I remembered, oh yeah, the blood. Uh huh. So Bella is all embarrassed like, do I stink? What's up? I remembered to put on deodorant.

So she decides to smell her hair and informs the audience that it smells like strawberries. O rly? I thought it would smell like the tears of orphans. And Edwardo starts giving her death looks, I would be like "Hey Edward Bedhead, got a prob?" But no Bella gives him her trademark emotionless awkward look
I would also like to point out, that at one point in this scene the statue of the owls wings and Edward line up perfectly so that it gives me the image of Edward with fairy wings. Coin incidence? I THINK NOT!

And back to the death glares, Edwards holds his nose and such as Bella becomes more and more embarrassed. Heck, I would too. But Edward gets up right as the bell rings and proceeds to stomp out like a bitch leaving Bella like "WTF was up with that?" and just leaving me with "WTF?"

Scene 9: Bella & Charlie Restaurant/ Bellas PhOnes Mom

Bella: Well, there all very welcoming

Recap: Ok, so now that I've wet myself from laughing, I needed to find a new pair of trousers. I come out to find Bella and Sexy Mustache Charlie sharing a quiet dinner. A waitress compliments on how grownup Bella is. Well, I don't mean to nitpick, but,uh you haven't seen her in how many years?

What, you think she is like a vampire and doesn't age or something, why don't you expect her to be grownup? Oh and how gorgeous she is. Ok, Bella is actually very pretty, if you get past that awkward look she always has on it, like she just walked in on her dad and Chewbecca doing the Macarena awkward.

And in comes some guy who is going to be important or something, I dunno. And he is referred to as buttcrack Santa. We have someone in our town like that his name is Larry the Cable Guy. And fade into a scene with Bella talking to her mom. Sad Bella is sad.

Scene 10: Bella Plans On Confronting The No-Show Edward/ Attack scene

Bella: More days passed, things were getting a little bit strange.

Recap: Bella is feeling mighty pissed about how Edward-o acted towards her. Maybe because everyone else was so welcoming and he just thought she stank like a Chinese mans dirty underwear. I did enjoy the "I know something you don't know, do da, do da," looks from Edwards siblings. Making Bella all paranoid and sh*t. Hey if four beautiful creatures were staring at me I'd stare at them right back, maybe even play some Jedi mind tricks.

And our first attack scene, even you don't count the deer one. Yes a helpless worker is running from Bella's stink. Just kidding. He is running from vampires, but the real thing is that this whole scene is one big mindf*ck. It makes it seem like perhaps the beautiful vamps at school are behind this, but in reality, it's three much more badass vamps suckin the blood out of unsuspecting victims. Yea, I told my mom this, she just slapped me and told me to eat my microwave dinner.

Scene 11: Bella's New Tires/ Edward Returns

Charlie: The old ones were getting pretty bald (that's what she said)

Recap: Ok, so the highlight of the first scene is Bella slipping on ice, I know, I'm heartless,yadda yadda, and the second part was, as you can see above, a perfect time to drop a "that's what she said" joke. Of course Charlie was talking about her tires and not about a man's scrotum.

And Edward returns from his emo vacation. The lab scene just made me scratch my head. Their conversation has got to be one of the most awkward things I've ever witnessed. I guess I can't be hard on Edward, he probably hasn't tried talking to a girl since 1906. He asks her about the weather with his "I really gotta take a sh*t" look. And she stares back at him awkwardly and we even catch a smile, Oh, Bella, you do show emotion! I'm so happy. Ahem.

So they are partners for a lab, the whole prophase and metaphase stuff, nothing really interesting, I was actually staring above Edwards head at the statue of the owl thinking, '"OMG is that Hedwig?". And we follow the two out to the lockers, Bella's holding the prized golden onion. And she comments on how dark Edwards eyes looked the last time she saw him. She memorized his eye color in her fit of terror and embarrassment? Edward uses some lame excuse about the translucent light and I'm like "Why don't you just say you have colored contacts? " And he stomps away like a little bitch again.

Scene 12: Edward Rescues Bella/Hospital

Edward: I was standing right next to you Bella

Recap: Oh, what a lovely scene Bella is almost turned into a pancake by what appears to be hippie van. And Edward with his super human speed saves her. Damn. Ha. Just kidding. The look he gives her is priceless, its that "I still gotta take a crap, but I need to make it look sexy for the female viewers". And I love how he just gets up and stomps away like a bitch again! It's all like "Ok, nothing to see here, she almost got killed, I'm just gonna walk away now". And everyone is like "OMG Bella are you ok? Are you hurt? Did you die?" And I love,love,love the look on Jaspers face, it looks like he is off to smack a bitch.

And Bella is still reeling from what happened like '"gosh, did I almost just show emotion?" And since Bella has no apparant injuries she is carted off to the hospital where her dad comes in demanding to know if she is alright. Tyler, Bella's would be murderer if Edward hadn't interviened, makes a few comments before being basically pimped slapped by Charlie. And Dr. Cullen is introduced. Ok, now, if he was my doctor I'd get thrown out for sexual harassment trying to grab his ass. But Bella being Bella is only concerned about talking about Edward. And then Edward and Bella start talking outside the hospital room, but not before Rosalie tosses her a death glare, those seem to be pretty popular in that family.

Bella wants to know how Edward got to her so fast, he says "I was standing right next you" and Bella is like "Na uh, I was stalking you and you were standing right by your shiny volvo" Edward insults her IQ and walks out like a damn bitch again, but this time, with swag.

As you can see I haven't even got halfway through the movie, don't worry kiddos, give me a can of Coca Cola and some cheetos I'll be done with the next recap of the next half in a hour.

My sympathy if I made you mad. But you didn't have to read it.

Please to forward to th next half in a week or so, where we get to meat family and jokes resume about how his boobs glitter.