A short two shot I suppose. I wrote most of it in one night, and left it sitting there…but I picked it back up because really, this idea enchanted me the moment I thought of it. Also, RATED M FOR A REASON. Some sexual references in this chapter, and its SLASH as in boy love…two men getting it on…you get it right? Well. Boiling down to ZukoxAang. Because I say so and what I say doesn't have to be logical or canon. Hope you enjoy.

I don't own Avatar the Last Airbender.

Title: What if

Rating: M

Summary: The dreams started after the final battle against Azula. He'd never had them before, dreams like these that had him waking up in the dead of night shivering and sweating, making it impossible for him to sleep the rest of the night.

Prologue

They started shortly after the final battle, shimmering in his dreams, and oozing out of the cracks of this mind. He barely noticed them at first, waking disoriented, mind fuzzy and quite unsure of what he had just dreamt. But with a little time they became more concrete, less easy to ignore or disregard as simple nightmares or idle fantasies. He didn't know what to do about it, even less how to react. It was, an impossible situation. It was illogical, uncanny, disturbing and quite plainly creepy. And yet not.

It was not illogical, uncanny, disturbing or creepy, mainly because to Zuko, it was truth. More concrete and real with every day. When the process was unfolding, Zuko'd wanted to scream. To rant and yell and most importantly burn something, or someone. Which was off limits.

The Fire Lord sighed. He couldn't hide it forever. He didn't intend to. But "coming out" so to speak, might be even harder than joining with his former enemies had been. Zuko wasn't quite sure how to go about it, he didn't even have the damn frog to practice on this time. Entering the meeting room, the monarch decided to put it off for a while longer.

Chapter 1

"You're hiding something Zuko."

He flinched at the harsh words. Mai never was one to dance around the fire pit. It was part of what he liked about her. What he loved. But the obvious statement seemed more austere than usual. Zuko wasn't sure what that signified. He was sure that he had done nothing to warrant such a violent temperament from his girlfriend.

"You're hiding something and I want to know what it is. And don't give me some lame excuses about the Nation, or about boring meetings, it won't work." She considered him, gaze sharper than usual. Zuko studied her back. He almost wanted to tell her. To tell somebody what was plaguing him. But he couldn't. They'd balk and turn away in disgust. Zuko didn't think he could handle anymore rejection from his important people. He smiled somewhat sadly.

"I'm sorry Mai, but really, there's nothing to hide." Her eyes turned apathetic, and he could tell that he'd hurt her in some way. But he couldn't figure out anything to do about it. He could tell her, but that would just hurt her more. He…didn't want to do that. He'd promised that he would never hurt her that deeply again. He intended to keep that promise even if it killed him.

He was back in familiar halls of deep scarlet, and he was laughing. His best friend the Avatar was walking beside him, and he hadn't seen the other in so long. Too long really. He wished that they could see each other more often

Logically he knew that the Avatar needed to complete his various duties, mainly to finish mastering the elements, and saving the other nations from Spirits gone astray. But his hopes and desires had nothing to do with logic of any kind. Sometimes he wished the other Nations didn't exist. Maybe then the other wouldn't leave so much; wouldn't only come see him once in a blue moon.

The Fire Lord laughed again at the joke he was being told, more entranced by how mature the other had grown, than by the deepening rumble entertaining his ears. He wished again that they could go backward in time, before their responsibilities had grown so much and so far apart.

There was pain in wishful thinking, and Zuko found himself in bed, a single tear of longing rolling down his unblemished cheek. What should I do Aang? He wanted to ask the other, but his monk friend was miles away, probably flirting with Katara and eating some sort of mysterious vegetarian dish. He refused to wish for useless, hopeless things anymore, and threw himself to the other, cooler side of his bed. He would sleep tonight; whatever the price.

The whole Fire Palace knew that their Fire Lord wasn't sleeping well. The servants had seen the rumpled bed sheets, the gaurds were gossiping about the frustrated curses that issued from the bed chamber most nights, and the cooks had noticed the decline in appetite.

Mai noticed all of this and then some. He was drifting away from everyone around him. He did only what was necessary, and seemed paranoid, twitching at every little thing, and calming his temper faster, as if he didn't have the excess energy to fuel such a blow up. Mai was worried. Mai was almost frantic with worry. Nobody noticed her disturbed state, except for Zuko who tried and failed to shoot her a reassuring glance.

This concerned her even more, and she felt a flash of anger that he wasn't cooperating. That he wasn't telling her what was bothering him, what was causing such a disturbance in his life and health. She wanted to know. Didn't she deserve to? But he wouldn't tell her, just like he hadn't told her the first time.

She'd suspected an affair at first; that he was cheating on her with some concubine. But realized the absurdity of that jealous thought as soon as it had been born. Zuko, was too much of dork to do that, too socially awkward to even think of being unfaithful. He was too honorable to do that to her. Even though her jealousy had been averted, it didn't mean she couldn't be frustrated at him, she loved him, and that was part of her job too.

"We need to stop this" the other male whispered in his ear. The words fell on deaf ears. What should they stop? He was the Fire Lord, and the Avatar was a fine lover for one in his position. So what if they were both men? It still worked, and he couldn't help the betrayal of his heart. This was what he'd wanted, what he'd coveted and desired for so long. He wasn't about to give it up without a fight.

As he fisted their erections together, the other male let out a restrained moan. He smirked crookedly against heated flesh, and nibbled down the column of throat presented so beautifully in front of him. As the other came hard, come covering his hand, the Fire Lord continued to stroke, his partner's release further lubricating his efforts. "Stopping is not an option." He whispered, nibbling on an ear. "I won't hear of it." And then he followed his partner into a world of white ecstasy.

The next day, his advisors told him the Avatar had left early that morning. He'd sent his apologies, but insisted that he was needed elsewhere. The Fire Lord just nodded, inside he was anything but calm. Why did you leave? Is this your way of telling me you don't love me?

Zuko's fire burned in anguish; sputtering inside at the melancholy settling deep inside his chest. It hurts. Maybe more than when he'd been banished. But maybe not. He'd gained some tolerance for emotional pain over the years. But this still stung. Whipped his soul and left him feeling heavy and his heart bleeding.

The burden he'd already been struggling to support had grown even heavier. Knowing that it was going to be a sleepless night now that he was awake, The Fire Nation's ruler stood, letting the now customary cruses roll of his tongue. He'd go practice some katas to calm down and then take a good long soak. It might help settle his nerves enough to get even a precious hour of sleep.

It was more than a year of mostly sleepless nights before the Fire Lord finally snapped. He hadn't seen his friend since that night. The Avatar hadn't .returned a fact that still tore at him and pressed heavily at his chest whenever he dwelled upon it too long. He didn't. Couldn't really. The pressure was too heavy, the tears stuck, and probably would be forever.

The Nation was doing remarkably well he thought idly, mind sleep deprived, but whirring a mile a minute. They were half unformed thoughts, but some of them repeating and over lapping, interrupting each other. He'd learned to deal with his erratic thoughts by now, how to focus on one at a time or tune them out. He was Fire Lord, he had to adapt and run his country like a good, fair ruler.

More than anything else he wanted the Avatar's attention. Wanted to see the other again. A prominent thought appeared again, one of the half formed ones that repeated, but now it was loudest tugging at his attention like child at their mother's sleeve. What if…

Mai was now way past concerned. She needed to get Zuko to snap out of his funk he was in. She needed for him to heal, at least come clean. He wasn't slaking, but she could see him fading with every week, every day that went by.

She didn't tell anyone what she did, what she sent to the far corners of the earth. He needs you guys more than ever. Please come and help. She didn't have to wait long, but when they arrived she flew to them in a panic, because, "He's gone to see his father," she whispered dread coloring her voice. "He looked angrier than ever, and he went to see Ozai."

The five companions didn't need much more urging than that. "Lead the way," Aang intoned, gray eyes clouded with concern. "I hope we'll be able to help."

Zuko had woken up surprisingly late that morning, meaning he'd slept through the night, which was rare. The only problem was the he'd still awoken after one of the dreams that were pestilence to his heart. He woke angry and confused and convinced that today it was all over. Today it was ended. He got up and dressed; intent on one thought. To go tell someone that would never be taken seriously. To tell them about what he was. That left Azula and Ozai. His father was closer.

Zuko was in such a rush he didn't notice Mai at the end of the hall way. Nor did he take note of the flash of fear that crossed her eyes.

When he saw those familiar golden eyes staring back at him, he almost smiled, but stopped himself. That ugly feral smile would have given away everything. Instead he remained silent, waiting for something from the former Fire Lord to start him off. He got the starter he wanted.

"If you've come to ask about Ursa, I'm still not willing to tell you."

The stab of sorrow at the sound of his mother's name did not derail the current monarch from his purpose. "Oh no," he started our smoothly a grin tugging up the sides of his lips, "I'm not here about that today." Ozai gave him a started in not curious look. "You see. I've been having…dreams if you will. And thought that you, as my father, deserved to know about them. You are after all, family." The crooked smile emerged and for the first time in his life, Ozai found himself frightened of his own son. This novelty didn't wear off even after his son had left him. The vicious smile haunted him like the souls of soldiers did his conscience.

"Ah." Zuko stopped short at the sight of his five best friends and Uncle running full pelt across the law toward his location. The freeing smile he sported dropped immediately and was replaced with something like resignation mixed with panic. But they had to know didn't they? No. Nobody had to know. But Zuko was a honest person by nature and hiding things from them…he didn't want to be that kind of person. Sliding his hands against each other, he raised one up in greeting as he stepped out of the shadows. "Hi guys. Let's get some tea shall we?" he treasured their shocked expressions before the terror of what he was about to do reasserted itself. If only he'd never gotten struck by lightening…none of this would be happening.

The first thing Katara noticed about the Fire Nation Pri-Lord, was the heavy bag under his eye. It looked, to her healer trained eyes, like he hadn't had a solid night's sleep in forever. He looked…older…and irrevocably weary, like how some of the older women from the South pole got when it was their turn to pass over. Katara prayed to Tui and La that Zuko wasn't dying, an even more strongly that it wasn't somehow their fault he was in such bad shape.

As they sat on the veranda, cups untouched, Toph broke the silence, impatient little trooper she is. "What's wrong Princess? You're more jittery than a jumping bean." Sokka gave a quiet nod, focused on breaking down the monarch's mannerisms. Jittery might have been an understatement. Zuko was practically shivering. And seeing as he was a firebender, Sokka doubted it was from the cold.

The Fire Lord didn't bother to touch his tea. He could feel himself shaking from the nervousness. They were all here. Right in front of him expecting an answer. He stood up abruptly and started pacing. The butterflies in his stomach eased up fractionaly. Zuko felt a little better. "I'm not sure about where to start." He finally said, hand running through his loose hair. He'd left the five pronged symbol in his room this morning, too focused on his mission to remember to put it on.

Aang spoke up, looking nervous and concerned. "Why not the beginning?"

It was the logical place, but Zuko wasn't quite sure when the beginning was. When he was born? When the dreams started? When he'd started to pay attention and accept the dreams? Pausing a little longer, he rubbed the rough skin of his burn. What if… the thought that never should have been. "Did you guys ever wonder if…" he growled, the right sentence wouldn't come out. "Azula. I suppose for me, it started after I got hit by Azula's lightening."

Katara wanted to cry, fearing that she had over looked something in her healing, that she'd done something wrong that had harmed Zuko forever. But her worries were appeased. "The lightening knocked something loose, and I started having these…dreams. These memories came back…It looks like the Avatar isn't the only one reincarnated." He finally concluded, looking down and away. This was in no way like spouting it all out to his father. He couldn't be vindictive or angry at them. They mattered.

"So, why is this such a distressing thing?" Toph always was good at asking the hard questions.

"I...I am Zuko son of Ursa and the former Fire Lord Ozai. But I am also, in spirit Sozin, starter of the one hundred year war and Father of Azulon." His friends didn't say a word as their eye's grew wide and shoulder's tensed.

What if I made it impossible to ignore me? What if I threatened to start a war? What if I wiped out all the other Nations so Roku would have no choice but to pay attention to me? What would he do?

"Sozin…" Zuko carries on through the tense atmosphere. "They say that I-he started the war because he wanted to share the Fire Nation's wealth with the rest of the world. It was much more selfish than that." He glanced at Aang side long. "Do you think you could conjure Roku for this?" that earned him a startled jump from his friend, who eventually shook his head.

"Even if I did contact him, he'd have to sue my body to communicate, and then I wouldn't be here anymore." Zuko nodded, accepting. It was probably better this way

"Anyway, Sozin was… in love with Roku. His best friend and Avatar of the world. So he made a move, and for a while Roku was ok with that kind of relationship. Zuko could remember the feeling of jubilation as Roku returned his, Sozin's feelings followed by their first awkward kiss., and the deep depression he fell into after Roku left and didn't come back, scant months after their relationship had begun. "Roku…obviously didn't want to deal with Sozin's persistence, so he just left and never came back." And then that wretched thought born of desperation and anger. What if… "Roku pretty much ignored any and all attempte4d communication Sozin sent him…which didn't bode well for Sozin's fragile sanity. Then I suppose the love he once felt shifted into…just a desire for attention. For any interaction no matter what it was from the one he coveted. So he figured that there was one way to get Roku to pay attention and that was…war. To start a war so that Roku would have to come and confront him about it." The silence was still heavy as they listened.

"You couldn't imagine how happy he was when Roku reprimanded him. to just be spoken to, to be acknowledged by Roku…it was all he wanted." Zuko shivered as the intense happiness washed over him. He felt the same vicious smile that had scared his father, tug at the ends of his lips. He allowed them to quirk slightly. "And then he panicked when he heard Roku's island erupting. He-he meant to help and only help. But…I'm pretty sure he was broken at this point. He thought, if I can't have him, no one will. And left him to die." All Zuko felt was cold and empty. "And now, I'm being affected, and I want Aang." His voice cracked and tears pricked at the back of his eyes.

Iroh was the first to move, bringing his nephew into the secure circle of his arms. "Such a heavy burden Zuko. You didn't have to carry it all alone, we all need a little support sometimes."

Tears started to trickle. Tears that Zuko supposed belonged to him and Sozin. The same tears that Sozin had thought would be stuck forever, were flowing, because Uncle had understood. He hadn't turned away or left never to return. Zuko and Sozin allowed themselves to cling, if only for a little while to their savior. And then he fell asleep with a lighter soul than Zuko thought he'd ever had.

"What do we do?" Katara's tone was as hard as her eyes. Iroh had left carrying the Fire Lord accompanied by Toph, who had drawn her own conclusions and decided to give Zuko a nice hard punch right in the bicep when he awoke.

"What do you mean what do we do?" Sokka had evidently gotten over his shock as well, and had started pacing just as Zuko had minutes before. Was it really only that long ago? It seemed like it had taken a lifetime and then some. "We obviously have to support him and make sure he doesn't end up like Sozin…"

"That probably isn't a liable threat," intoned the ever indifferent Mai. "He would have snapped like Azula ages ago if his mind was that weak." Aang silently agreed, as he couldn't get his vocal cords into working order. "Zuko is an incredibly strong individual." She sounded wistful, "I wouldn't fall for anyone less than that. And now that he knows Iroh doesn't hate him, he definitely won't break."

Katara grunted, unconvinced. "He's a danger. If Sozin isn't only in his blood, but was his soul, who are we to say that he won't, or isn't insane?"

"Who's to say he will or is, waterbender?" Mai's tone could have cut through stone. "You don't know him nearly as well as you think you do. And I know him much better than that." Now that Mai knew she no longer held Zuko's heart, and never would, her love had become a protective one. He had no control over what had happened to him. It was like having the world flipped upside down, and she couldn't blame him for breaking his promise to her. Not when he'd suffered silently and persistently all alone. Perhaps this was what being a sister truly felt like. She would stand by him Sozin or not.

Sokka had stopped pacing to listen in on their little argument. "What do you think Aang? This kinda involves you the most, seeing as jerkbender kinda confessed his undying love for you." He laughed, "Undying...get it?" No one laughed with him. Shrugging, he silenced himself. He'd thought it had been a pretty good pun…

Aang considered his options. And turned away. He wasn't sure what he would do. What did one do when someone confessed a love that lasted longer than a normal lifetime? Whatever it was, it needed lots of time to consider.

It wasn't long before Katara was leaving, determined never to set foot on Fire Nation soil again, an exasperated Sokka trailing behind her (hey, she needed someone to go home with. And he could always come back later.).

Really it was only to be expected, Aang reflected watching her storm away, she'd been the one least fond of the Fire Prince.

But Aang was wrong in his assumptions. Katara wasn't leaving because she was angry ( ok, maybe that was part of it. How could she completely forgive the person who had started the mess they'd had to clean up?). It was because she felt…responsible. If she hadn't been there, he wouldn't have been struck, he wouldn't have needed to block that death blow, he wouldn't have needed to remember his past life. What if…what if… there was always what if's in life. Some of them were better not taken.

AN: Were you wondering what was happening most of the first half? If you were then YAY I did a good job of keeping you confused and in the dark. XD I wanted to make it seem like it was Zuko and Aang, when it was really Sozin and Roku. I hope I did an ok job.

Also. I'm a (minor) maiko fan. I really do believe that they make a good couple and I like them together. It's just like Zuko and Aang together more. Sigh. Oh well. I tried to keep them in character, Zuko as the determined, silent suffering type, that ultimately needs the acceptance of those he holds close, and Mai as the one that love him unconditionally even when he does something stupid.

I also was aiming for a fic that would have Mai as a stable down to earth woman that could understand and accept that Zuko needed something that she just couldn't give. She'd one of the most practical character's in the series and really wanted her to be good and not get upset about something unchangable. I also just wanted to include her in the party. Usually in ZukoxAang fics, she either ignored, jealous as a dog with a bone or she left Zuko for someone else. I really don't see two of those things happening. =_=|||

Additional note on Zuko: I do NOT write Zuko as, a"broken little waif.".(which some of the fans appreciate; so thank you for supportingme~~(DarkTenshi) =P) Maybe it's a personal preference, but I think that Zuko's an incredibly strong person, and having him as some crying completely insecure bottom, just isn't my style. Lol. I actually think Zuko is a top, not a bottom, because seriously, Aang as a top? I just really don't see it. _

So thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy the smexy next chapter. Cause it will be smexy. =D

Please tell me if there are any spelling mistakes, grammar that needs attention. I don't have beta, so you'll have to put up with my own rereading to catch spelling and stuff. I usually can't catch everything since I'm the one that wrote it and know what it's saying. TT^TT please leave a little something. I like knowing if people enjoyed it…or not. =P though flames will be used to help purge my room of demons.(which is also helpful XD)

-69moans