Warnings: More obscure canon references, inaccurate science, outrageously flawed logic, ill-thought out theories, etc. And yes, I know I'm mixing the original FMA with Brotherhood, Naruto manga with movies and games, and stirring it into one nice primordial soup.

"People of this... cave... my name is Edward Elric," the boy declares, arms lifted high in an orant gesture (one, for god-like emphasis, and two, he feels it makes him look taller), "and I wish to speak with your leader. Or your best alchemist. Or just the smartest person around. Whichever one works."

When the alchemist receives only blank stares, Al nudges Ed, points to the odd attire, and whispers, "Maybe they only know Xingese."

Hmm. Communication will be difficult then, seeing as only three of the shinobi in the cove has ever come across any semblance of Greek or Latin: Itachi, Madara, and surprisingly, Naruto. But Itachi only has the faintest idea of alchemy and the written language, Madara was too prideful in his youth to read some stupid scrolls from some pathetic fallen civilization when he had the chance, and Naruto... well, he doesn't know why the accent sounds familiar, nor can he piece together why the physical features of that boy kind of sort of reminds him of someone else (which is somewhat justified as no one, apparently, remembers Galel and their pseudo-philosopher's stone).

And though contact between the two worlds are scarce, anyone else who could have possibly guided the translations is either dead or cursing under fifty tons of rubble.

Luckily, the Elric brothers do know the fundamentals of Xingese, after extensive studies in the East for healing, and when Al repeats Ed's introduction, they are...

Once again, greeted by blank stares.

"Nope brother, they are not Xingese," Al redundantly states.

And after Ed pulls his hair, cursing how this alternate universe reeks of Shamballa plagiarism, and how at least when he was in Munich, there wasn't a lousy language barrier, because what kind of opium-intoxicated movie director and/or author includes that kind of realism in CHILDREN'S stories? he exhales, and calms the throbbing vein on his forehead.

Ling, when I get back, your ass is BURNT POT-ROAST.

"Alright, let's kick this up a notch then," Ed grits, clapping his palms together, a ferocious look of determination on his face, which oddly mimics those of a certain jinchuuriki, something noted by everyone except the jinchuuriki himself, who, with squinted eyes and a pout, is wondering when this chapter will be over so he can use the john. In all honestly, Naruto has gotten used to having the spotlight stolen from him, especially by Sasuke in Shippuuden.

Ed slams full-force into the door, which he, with his alchemy knowledge, cheerfully realizes the Gate of Truth is made of tungsten this time, instead of silicon dioxide. He also likes the fact that alchemy does work in this dimension. When he is done, the facade of the entire door seems to have a Gothic arabesque décor with pictures very akin to a burning inferno of people screaming in hell. The black gleam really is working for him.

Ed takes that back: alchemy not only works, it works beautifully here.

"Anyone here from Xing?" Ed calls, pointing to the four giant characters engraved at the center of the tablet, hoping someone in this massive crowd of horrible peeling skin, dead-like zombie stares, and ropes and snakes (nothing different than a typical cult) has any connection to the Xing tradition, or he might as well go back to the drawing board and begin working with his brother on transmuting an universal translator. Either that, or just ditch everyone altogether and explore this foreign place by themselves.

After the people stop revering in awe of the lack of hand signs for the transmutation, they read the message. It sparks recognition, as even the dim-witted can read the last character.

"Hoshi?" they murmur, exchanging looks before all staring up at the cove ceiling. Then, they try again, "Hoshigakure no Sato?"

The ones with more knowledge in archaic characters recognizes most of the other letters, and respond back in their own language, "There is no more people from Hoshi," to which Ed and Al raise their eyebrows at the foreign tongue.

"That is not Xingese," Alphonse dutifully informs his brother with another redundant remark.

But then, the suit of armor jumps like a cat and cradles Ed, when, out of nowhere, a man with spiked black hair materializes and gives the boy and the armor a grin.

By now, Uchiha Madara has come to the conclusion that no, these two are not gods (good, because he doesn't like sharing that title), but they do hold some mysterious power. He is unsure of whether to kill them or not, but for now, he will attempt communication to understand their origins and what they will have to offer.

With a lone katana, Madara decides that, for once, he will be practical instead of magnificent, and a few swift motions later, he has written his own message in the same archaic form. (It is slightly nostalgic, but also very depressing when he is reminded of his own age.)

"My name is... " Al reads out loud. He looks at his older brother. "My Xingese knowledge is shaky, but does that say "spotted fan," brother?"

Edward rubs his chin, examining the sword strokes. "Hmm, well, in Xingese pronunciation, it's like fun... foon... foon sun... foon sun bane?" The boy pointed to the calligraphy and repeated "so... mister Foon Sun Bane," to which the shinobi twitches involuntarily and smoothly corrects, in a deep and sly voice, "Uchiha Madara," accompanied by a courteous bow.

"... Come again, Mr. Bane?"

"Uchiha Madara," the warlord says again, delicate in his pronunciation and extending the syllables.

"Yoo-chai-ah Man-door-la?" Al helps.

Resisting the urge to just screw interdimensional communication and strangle them both, Madara shakes his head and beckons the not-so trivial matter away, wondering if his fate is to spend the rest of his life dealing with prepubescent and teenage protagonists with decaying brain cells. What became of the good old days when he used to be the said prepubescent and teenage protagonist, frolicking with his rival?

Oh yeah, said rival grew up and stabbed a fucking spear into his gut.

"Mr. Bane then," Ed confirms, then reads the rest. "Welcome to the land of the... … does that seriously say ninja?" Wonderful. First he was stuck with crazy physicists who thought it was funny to nuclear bomb countries, and now he landed in mythological ninja land. "How may we assist you."

"He seems like a nice man, brother," Al chirps. "We should ask him if he knows something about the elixir, or medicine, or Xingese alkahestry. He might help us."

The older brother nods in agreement, and though the man gives off some serious Kimblee vibes, this may be their best chance of learning something new... and quickly. Winry will murder him if he isn't back by the New Years.

"My name..." Ed points to the name character, his other hand on his chest, "is Edward Elric, and this-" he points to his the suit of metal "- is my brother, Alphonse."

"Edowado Erurikku," Madara addresses, much more adept at picking up the foreign language, then turning to face the armor, "Arufonsu?"

They decide to ignore his crazy swirling red iris and eagerly nod, with Al even giving double thumbs up.

"And we are looking to know if you know and can teach us alkahestry, or rather... this."

Ed claps his hands together again and transmutates the portal facade. A single word appears, and the entire cove dramatically stills.

Then...

"RENTANJUTSU?" the entire shinobi community (sans Naruto, who fell asleep during the entire exchange) cries all at once, alarmed and bewildered, half fainting, a quarter staring at the two with awe, and a final quarter trying to contain a combination of fear and intrigue.

Rentanjutsu, the combination of fire, wind, lightning, earth, water, and a harmonious balance of yin with yang chakra forces. Rentanjutsu, the power that is divided apart and weakened into the categories of taijutsu, ninjutsu, and genjutsu. Rentanjutsu, the devastating techniques that draws the chakras from the earth and combines them with the cosmos. Rentanjutsu, the technique capable to be used by only two people ever in existence, one being the savior of this world and the other being the father of the universe.

Oh yeah, the people knows what rentanjutsu is, but only now has anyone walked in demanding of it, and with an absolutely serious face. Even Madara is a bit unnerved, because even if he now technically controls the earth, the sun, the moon, he can't control the stars and galaxies, the never ending energies that spans across the universe.

And while the people begin reflecting over the first message, Hoshi, star, they begin concocting more and more ludicrous crackpot theories about these two divinely creatures before them. The ones who joined sides with Madara are beginning to question their allegiance, and the prisoners equally wondering if the snoring child is really their so-called "chosen one." As for the zombies... well, they've died once, so they don't give a crapshoot about Earth at this point, but hey, getting to watch this is almost worth the fact that their souls are painfully bound to another person's corpse for an eternity of forced servitude.

But of course, rentanjutsu, or simply alkahestry, has different meanings for Ed and Al, so they beam at the reaction. For them, it means the people knows and the entire trip isn't another red herring and lousy waste of time.

When Madara recovers, he slices the door again (which makes physicists everywhere pee in their pants) and engraves his next message.

"What do you want with rentanjutsu," Al reads, then takes a spare chalk inside his suit, scribbles a circle, much to Madara's intrigue, and transmutates the gate once more.

"To learn. Our knowledge be incomplete," is the response.

Learn? Incomplete? That meant this short man and this strange, single-horned, god-like creature has prior knowledge of it. Another round of fainting ensures.

Madara is not pleased by this audacity and proud proclamation of power (he hasn't even exhausted his own bragging right yet, dammit!)

"Why shall we teach you anything?"

Ed frowns, then slams on the gate. "If you not, we learn without your help."

Madara furiously slashes the next message. "If I not permit you?"

"We need not permission."

"Interesting," Madara muses out loud, causing the entire room to stiffen, anticipating a duel. His katana still in hand, Madara lashes one last message.

"Tell us what you know, and we tell you ours..." Al begins.

"... but only if I deem your skill... worthy?" Ed finishes, eyebrows furrowed, before he suddenly flips around and blocks the sword attack with his transmutated automail.

"Must you fight every episode, brother?" Al sighs, then proceeds to sit passively in the corner as Ed pulls out a long spear from the ground, causing eyeballs to go so wide, they fall out of their sockets, and even causing some applause from the prisoner's side. "Oh, and please don't hurt Mr. Bane. He seems nice."

Meanwhile, Naruto finally wakes up, just in time to see the super-epic (and horribly written) battle sequence. "Is everyone forgetting I'm the main character here?"

"Yes," Sasuke tells him, rolling his eyes. "Of course, mister Child of the Prophecy, this would technically be your fight if you hadn't lost your haxxed up Dragon Sword."

"It. Was. One. Lousy. Sword," Naruto cries. "Is no one ever going to live it down?"

"It. Was. A. Dragon Sword. That was designed for you. That absorbed anyone's chakra. That allowed you to use any jutsu. And you lost it. To a mountain." Sasuke is very satisfied by his abuse of emphasis.

"In my defense, it was a fuck ass big mountain."

Sasuke merely stares.

Naruto hangs his head.

"Well..." Sasuke sighs, "at least your counterpart seems equally as unimpressive. Hot-headed... flamboyant... blond... short-"

"ALRIGHT, WHO CALL ME A SHORTIE?"

How Ed manages to suddenly overcome the language barrier will remain unknown.