READ THE BOLD AND ITALICIZED FIRST!

I felt like writing something lighter and slightly humorous for Prussia/Austria. Please don't get offended by this fanfic, I in no ways want to exploit the homeless and dissect them for medical or scientific purposes. They are people just like everyone else and deserve the same respect. I almost lost my home due to financial troubles myself and know how terrifying the situation can be. I just thought that Prussia might actually do this if given the opportunity.

WARNINGS: Some OOC, OC (Homeless man), Shonen-ai, Fluff, and PWP

Pairings: Prussia/Austria

DISSECTING THE HOMELESS

It was a quiet morning in Austria's house. The brunette got up slowly in disbelief, waiting for something odd to happen. He didn't really know exactly what, but he knew that it would have something to do with Prussia.

The Austrian remembered the morning when Prussia had three hundred little chicks running all over his kitchen and music room. Roderich shuddered. He could barely walk around his house in fear of stepping on the fluffy animals. The ones that had decided to sit on his shoes were constantly chirped in protest after every step, not liking having to hang on to his shoes by biting down on his shoelaces. Austria checked the kitchen and saw many of them miraculously running on his counter tops. How they got that high, Roderich never found out. Once the brunette now no longer suffered from shock and had wandered into the music room, seeing Prussia lying on his couch with a lazy grin on his face. He had ten small baby chickens sitting on his stomach and when he saw Austria, he waved for Roderich to usher over to his side.

"Priss, isn't this awesome? They think I'm their mommy!"

The Austrian could still remember the hours of cleaning, sewing, patching, and the cost of a brand new, chicken scratch free piano. It was extremely difficult to part with the piano he had received the piano as a gift from the inventor of the instrument himself, Bartolomeo Christofori, but he knew that the creator of the instrument wouldn't have approved of the condition it was in after the chicks attacked it.

Once the brunette had gotten out of bed, stretching while he stood, he realized that there was no mayhem of that sort. He figured that the albino had simply decided to stay at his brother's house and update his blog. It wasn't an unusual occurrence, but it happened mostly after he had eaten all the food in Austria's refrigerator for breakfast. The aristocrat thought that he should take this rare opportunity to take a peaceful shower without the thought of Prussia entering in and mocking him for not being five meters long. He blushed at recalling the humiliating situation and began to strip himself of his lavender pajamas. He shivered when his pale skin was exposed to the morning air, but he continued unbuttoning his pajama blouse. When he peeled the garment off his body, he slid both his pajama pants and underwear down his long legs. He immediately threw them into a laundry basket, slightly regretting not folding them first. It was then that he got his feet into house slippers and slipped into the bathroom to take a hot and needed shower.

When Austria shook his slippers off, he turned the knob to adjust the pressure and heat of the water, based on how it felt with his slim hands. When it was finally to his liking he pulled the glass knob out to let the clear liquid spray him from the shower head. He was content standing in the shower, leisurely running his hands through his hair to lather shampoo into his hair. The Austrian rinsed the foaming substance out of his hair and then lathered conditioner. He made sure to coat ever single strand in order to make his hair feel silky and healthy. Still, Roderich didn't like to linger around Mariazell, because of it's add affects on his body...

Bam!

The brunette's eyes shot open and he shoved the shower curtain to the side to see if anyone had entered the bathroom without his permission. He was about to yell for them to leave when he realized that there was no one there. No bottles of lotion or cologne were knocked down, there weren't any limbs or other appendages poked out of small hiding places such as under the sink or a cabinet, and no signs that the bathroom door had been abused in any way. Austria didn't feel that there was any damage or danger and continued his shower. He was rubbing sweet smelling chamomile soap over his lean frame, making sure to slather and rinse the material off his body and making himself clean...

Thud!

Roderich Edelstein knew that he could no longer ignore the foreign noises anymore. Any disturbance in his house meant that it was Prussia and anything involving the crude albino was not good for the structure's welfare. The Austrian made sure to wash away all of the soap off his body and turned the knob to turn the shower off. He began to shiver again, but he knew that he had to endure this for if he left Gilbert alone with his things too long, Roderich knew it would be disastrous. Austria nudged the shower curtain away again, and slipped his feet into his fluffy, house clogs. He quickly shuffled over to the small closet in his bathroom and buried himself in his bathrobe.

He poked his head out of bathroom, trying to analyze any deterioration of the house without actually stepping into it. To the Austria's surprise, his room was just as he left it. Had he been imagining these foreign noises due to his long exposure to Beilschmidt's behavior?

Thud!

It was too good to be true. Austria sighed, and sauntered over to his dresser. He seized a neatly folded, white shirt, and snatched a decorative jabot that matched the simple shirt. Once the brunette had fastened both on his body, Roderich grabbed his dark slacks and rushed out of his room and to the top of the stairs. There was nothing on the steps or on the railings, but there were specs of dirt near the front door. The Austrian was surprised that the dirt was the only harm to his house. Had the albino lost his touch?

Shuffle!

The sound was from the kitchen. Roderich descended down the stairs slowly, not sure if he wanted to see the destruction in the heart of his home. However, he grew more concerned when he smelled a vulgar scent coming from the same room. The odor was so pungent that Austria had to cover his nose with both of his hands. He tried to remember if there was a simple explanation that perhaps the Austrian did to cause the smell. The sink was used regularly, so that was ruled out. Prussia must be trying to cook something and didn't realize that the ingredients had expired. It wouldn't be the first time the silver haired man did such a thing.

Austria bolted down, worrying about the bacteria that Prussia was obviously exposing his kitchen but was shocked to the sight that awaited him.

There was Prussia, holding a meat cleaver over an unconscious man. The man wasn't absolutely filthy, but it was noticeable that he hadn't showered for at least three days in a row. His hair was slightly damp from the natural oils that the scalp produced. It was also not hard to see that he also did not have the luxury of shaving, for there was obvious hair growths that extended past the regular boundaries that most people hadn't need to worry about. His clothes were not ripped or torn, but they had slight discoloration in places where his sweat glands would be most prominent such as his arm pits, palms, and inner parts of his legs. It was not only his clothes, but the types of clothes he wore. It was summer and yet he had a thick winter coat on his person, showing that he didn't have a permanent storage place to put this garment. His shoes were worn out as well, from a hazardous lifestyle that exposed the man to the elements of nature for days.

Gilbert noticed Roderich staring and waved at him to come over just as he did in the past.

"Hey Roddy, you should look at this! I found this guy outside of West's house!" He grinned as if proud of scavenging this find.

"You... you've gone to far Prussia! This is so disturbing… you're going to kill that poor man with that cleaver..." The Austrian was still in such shock that the intensity of his voice fluctuated.

"No, I'm not going to kill him. I just want to look at his vital regions. It doesn't kill us, I mean, Russia's heart jumps out when he's excited."

"Humans are much different you idiot! Prussia, I order you to return him to where you had found him!" The brunette commanded.

"I have a name, and it is awesome so you should say it. Heck, not just say it, Roddy; you should be screaming it from the top of your roof!" Austria gasped, for while the albino spoke, he twirled the large, cutting instrument between his fingers as if it were a harmless pencil. The brunette wanted to scream or shake the pale haired man to be more careful, but he feared that if he did, the knife would claim the victim. The darker haired man watched in horror as he saw the blade just inches away from dropping on the innocent and unconscious man. The sharp tool was shining in the kitchen light. It was like a horror film that was coming to life in his kitchen.

"So, what I was thinking was cutting a straight line down the middle of his abdomen would be the best first cut. But I'm willing to take suggestions if you actually think that your idea is better than mine?" Austria took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and took another deep breath. He opened his eyes to see that Prussia was still waiting for an answer of some sort.

"Do you really know what I think?" Austria asked, meandering around the appliances and other things in the large scullery.

"What?"

"I think that I should call your brother and-"

"No! Don't call West!" Gilbert cried out. He threw the cleaver out the window and pounced the Austrian. Both fought each other over the phone, smacking each other in any place they could. Prussia somewhat regretted throwing the sharp instrument out the window for it would have been a great advantage in this position. The brunette attempted to get on top of Beilschmidt, but when he did, Prussia rolled him off and got on top again. They continued to tumble and toss in this manner, causing more of the phone's cord to snake around their bodies and join them together.

The homeless man had woken up; surprised that he was in such a lovely home. He looked behind him to see two males struggling over a phone and only raised his brows in response. Hey, people can do whatever they want with their time. The man slowly turned his head in all directions, looking to see if there was anything of use to him. Shatter window, jars full of sugar and other preservatives, but the thing that drew the man's attention was the refrigerator. He licked his lips, but glanced back at the men to see if they were still fighting. When he realized they didn't notice him, he jumped off the counter and walked to the stainless steel object.

He grabbed a handful of prepared, cold sandwiches, and drank the last half of the orange juice carton. He threw the carton in the garbage can next to the fridge and left the house as quietly as he could.

"If you call West I will destroy your house!"

"It's not like you don't already do that you horrible fiend!" Prussia was angered by the insult and bite down on the Austrian's right shoulder. Austria groaned out in pain and shoved his hand against his ribs. Gilbert winced, trying to grab at Roderich's hair but he grasped the fact that they were too constricted by the phone cord to move. Roderich tried to deliver more blows to the other man, but he came to the conclusion that he too was restricted to move from their position. It was awkward. Austria ended up underneath the other man just as he had in the beginning. Prussia's head was against the crook of Austria's neck, blowing warm breath against the soft flesh. Both of their chests were flushed against each other, the only thing between them were the thin barrier of their clothes. Austria's legs somehow were spread, perhaps to allow any sort of space between the two. It was all in vain however because Prussia's own legs filled the gap.

"Specs get away from my hot body."

"I can't since you attacked me you fool."

"If you weren't such a pervert and tried to get on top of me, we wouldn't have gotten caught in this mess." Prussia said, as if stating an obvious fact.

"Whatever, just as soon as we get out of this mess I'm going to call Germany-"

"No!" Both winced at the boom of the albino's voice.

"Okay, even I admit that wasn't awesome. But come on pansy, you can't rat me out to Germany..." The other sighed, almost in a pleading tone... almost, because the overconfident nation would never admit to pleading for something from someone. Austria had no pity and thrust his left knee against the albino's thigh.

"Austria what the crap! I thought this was a ceasefire-" Prussia winced in pain when Austria dug the foot of his heel into the albino's ankle. The brawl continued. Gilbert head butted the shoulder in front of him, trying anything to cause pain and snatch the phone out of Roderich's hand. While the pale haired man did that, Austria decided that it was his turn to biting and sank his teeth into the nape of Beilscmidt's neck. Prussia cried out in pain but once he head butted the brunette's shoulder again, the sharp canines were pried away on their own accord and it made Austria cry out with pain.

The albino was able to get his arms somewhat freedom and he tried to take hold of the phone. He was so close, his right was grabbing Austria's left wrist, but he couldn't claw his way up any further than that. Conveniently, his other hand rested on Roderich's hair and Gilbert decided the other needed a good tug or five. When his fingers brushed against Mariazell however, Roderich's eye twitched.

"Whoa pansy, what was that?"

"Don't touch Mariazell!"

"Dude, it is just a city. Why are you getting so worked up about it?" Prussia pulled gently on the flick of hair, testing if he reacted because Mariazell was special or because he jerked it too hard.

"Stop it..." Austria sighed. Gilbert was in awe. It sound of the other man's voice was getting raspy and almost sensual, and his eyes that were a lavender color were transforming into a dark indigo that one would see in a rainbow. Prussia yanked the silky strand several more times, but it produced the unusual result just as it did the first time. He was about to pull it again, but Austria began to plead him not too.

"Please... Gilbert, stop doing it. I won't call Germany. I will just clean up the kitchen and whatever else you did to my house. All I ask is that you stop touching Mariazell..."

"Why does it bother you so much?" The albino asked with childlike curiosity. It would have almost been cute had it not been from Prussia.

"Look Prussia, either I call Germany and tell him that you brought an innocent, homeless person into my kitchen and tried to dissect him or we can forget about it once you let go of Mariazell." Not wanting the wrath of his younger brother upon him, Prussia nodded.

"Now how do we get out of this mess?" Austria asked, his voice becoming normal again.

"Well, I think this section should be raise up," Gilbert suggested, raising the thin wire and trying to get it over Austria's head. Unfortunately it couldn't stretch for more than a couple of inches and it snapped back into his hand where it started.

"Ow, damn it Roddy! Why didn't you upgrade to a cordless house phone?"

"I didn't assume that you would assault me after I tried to call your brother."

" ... Dude, how long have you known me? You should have totally predicted that! Anyways, how about I pull this section and see-"

"No don't!" It was too late. As soon as Prussia pulled the telephone's cord, it slammed their lips together. Both of them gasped and yet couldn't bring themselves to move away. Gilbert pulled away only to swipe his tongue against Roderich's bottom lip. Perhaps it was the effects of the Mariazell tugs or he had been assaulted to hard, but Austria parted his mouth and let his own tongue join with Prussia's. Shivers went down both of their spines, and they crushed their bodies as close as they could to each other. Austria groaned, this time in pleasure, when Gilbert's tongue wrapped around his own. Prussia tilted his head to the side in order to pressed their bodies even closer together. Roderich gasped and moaned from the heat and pleasure and bucked his body up to get more wonderful pressure. They kept sharing heated kisses and wonderful body heat until they heard someone cough.

Both pulled away and saw that Germany was there, along with Italy (whose eyes were covered by Germany's hands) and Japan. Austria's eyes bugged out when he realized that in Japan's hands was a cell phone with a camera

"It is not what it looks like!" Austria gasped. Germany sighed.

"Austria, you can be honest. We are not judging you. Everyone is just surprised why you are doing such... actions in your kitchen."

"What are they doing Germany?" Italy asked, still blinded by the blonde's large hands.

"Well, nothing now Italy. Japan! Stop texting Hungary pictures! Give them their privacy!" Austria blushed and glared at Prussia, but was only greeted with a huge smirk.

THE END

Lol, I don't know why but I can imagine Japan sending Hungary yaoi/shonen-ai pics.

Read and review please!