Title: ALTOCALCOPHILIA
Author: moor (beyondthemoor on LJ)
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: Ita x Saku
Rating: T (mostly for language)
Count: Almost 5,000 words
Genre: Humour, fluff, romance, non-massacre AU
Warnings : Bordering on crack, so OOC on occasion

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Concrit appreciated!

Prompt: Written for the December 2010 ItaSaku LJ comm fic exchange, the prompt I received was, "Can be Au or canon, but must involve a kiss between our main couple - indirect or direct - a dusting of Kisame and Itachi friendship/I-tolerate-your-presence, and costume (looking for, trying on, wearing, taking off... ;)) - can be formal kimono/space suits/Halloween/ embarrassing work uniform/anything). Any rating."

"How am I hearing this second hand, Forehead!"

Sakura groaned, refusing to crawl out from under her blankets. If Ino knew, then her name was officially mud.

Because what Ino Knew, Konoha Knew.

Sakura curled into a protective ball and mumbled, "Go 'way. I'm too humiliated to come out. Ever."

"Like Hell! And no-more-hiding-under-these-blankets!" Not to be thwarted by, of all things, linens, Ino relieved her of them.

"Argh, Ino! No…."

"Do you know how many opportunities we've lost because you held back about this? Just think of the possibilities!"
"I'd rather not."
"Liar!"

"Come on, Ino! It's all a huge misunderstanding. Believe me…"

Dropping her head in her hands, Sakura cursed a certain ANBU captain and her Hokage, in equal measure.

And Naruto, too.

This would never have happened, if it hadn't been for…

A week prior…

"Take some time off, Captain."

"Hokage-sama, with all due respect-."

Tsunade snorted.

"Uchiha Itachi, you are hereby ordered on leave for a full fourteen days consecutively, to be enjoyed or endured, starting now. Spirits, you're as difficult as Sakura about this, sometimes. And don't you dare go sniffing around my apprentice picking fights again, just because you're bored—the damage you two wrought on the practice fields took us months to fix, and she was grounded to the village for it for almost a month. Is this understood?"

For the first time in years, Tsunade was sure she saw Itachi's brow hint at a furrow; quite the reaction, coming from him.

But he did comply.

Eventually.

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

When she nodded her dismissal, she had no doubt he was already planning ways to circumvent his enforced vacation.

And being the Hokage, she was right.

Though the Akatsuki had 'officially' disbanded, they had spies in all the major villages, including Konoha.
They had given up their original goal of world peace through subjugation, and were merely a highly organized mercenary force, now—with branches in different countries, and offering their services to the highest bidders.

So when word made it up their ranks that a certain highly prized shinobi was out of commission for a fortnight, an invitation and disguise happened to find themselves dropped in the Uchiha's lap as he made his way from the ANBU training grounds to his home the very same day he was ordered to rest.

And when Itachi read the attached note, in its familiar gritty, chicken-scratch script, his interest was piqued.

Then he got a look at the 'disguise' and almost reconsidered.

"Ah, young master Itachi," crowed one of the clan elders as Itachi passed by the gates. "There you are. You've been so busy with your shinobi duties recently, we were getting worried you'd forgotten about that omiai we had spoken of, some time ago. You know, my granddaughter is coming of age, soon, and…" The man warbled on as Itachi tightened his grip on the note.

Almost reconsidered.

Almost.

When Sakura reached her shishou's office the next morning, she was expecting to get straight to work on her usual routine: prioritizing and filing mission reports (at the same time, since there was a constant backlog), setting the hospital roster (and assisting with emergency procedures, as she was always on call), and perhaps a bit of housekeeping… like recycling the sake bottles Tsunade had 'missed' when she tried to sweep the evidence of her past evening's binge under the carpet. And desk. And behind the potted plants…

So when she knocked and let herself in, she was not expecting to meet her mentor's steely gaze and steady hand, a mission scroll extended to her, and fury burning like a fiery chakra halo around her shishou's long, blond hair.

"Not even 24 hours and he's AWOL, that ungrateful brat," the esteemed Sannin spat, her fist slamming down on her desk once Sakura had accepted the scroll. Now, this wasn't entirely true, as Itachi had indeed been given leave—but he had not been granted permission to leave the boundaries of the village.

Which he had done, under cover of darkness, with no one the wiser until the morning.

Taking a subtle step to the left as the desk cracked and slid to the right—in stages—Sakura calmly read the scroll's contents while a sheaf of papers slid inch by inch to the lower end of the desk before tumbling off, followed by a fragile ornament, which tinkled and crashed atop it.

Luckily for Sakura, it was a fairly short scroll.

"Since you two had such a good time sparring on the grounds, and you were the one who ended up getting punished for it after his clan interfered, I thought you'd appreciate an opportunity for some payback. Plus, you're one of the few ANBU I know who wouldn't faint when facing him down. Do you have any questions?"

Tsunade ignored the mounting mess around her.

Fearing for her well-being amidst the growing wreckage—the lamp in the corner had started to flicker, a sure sign of compromised structural integrity if even the wiring was knocked loose at Tsunade's temper—Sakura shook her head and gave a quick bow.

"No, Tsunade-shishou," she replied.

"Good, then get out! And send in a crew to clean this place up…"

"Hai, shishou."

The moment Sakura escaped and closed the door behind her, she took a deep, calming breath.

…And immediately wondered how in all the shinobi nations she was supposed to track down and bring home an errant Uchiha Itachi, decorated ANBU captain and heir to the Uchiha clan, if he'd decided to wantonly skip town.

Really?

This was her mission?

Sakura was beginning to wonder if she should have smuggled out some of her mentor's alcohol stash to test it for hallucinogenics.

No, Tsunade would have noticed if there'd been any poisons about, she reasoned.

So first things first, she decided.

With that, she made her way to the missions desk to request a team of sacrificial genin, to see about re-ordering the Hokage's office.

By the time Itachi reached his contact that afternoon, he was not amused.

"Well hello there, are you looking for a handsome man to join you, young miss?"

Kisame's taunting was not helping.

Even with Samehada slung over his shoulder and shaking with the missing-nin's laughter, it was hard to believe the Mist-nin was an S-class criminal.

But when Itachi's eyes glowed red, and he truly felt how much pain he was in from his travels, the taller man's instincts warned him not to keep pushing.

"All right, all right. Still, I don't think I've ever seen Konan pull off that kimono and those heels the way you can, 'tachi."

The Uchiha's aura bled murderously black and thick like molten pitch around them, and he glared at his 'friend'.
"This was a bit much," he replied, tossing a small package to Kisame.

The Mist-nin grinned as he caught it, recognizing the make-up kit he'd included in Itachi's 'disguise'.

"Heh, I agree. You're a natural beauty."

"Of course they're all out on a mission when I need them," Sakura muttered to herself as she ran through the treetops, her heavy pack bumping against her back with each leap and land. She knew it was useless to complain, though, when the rest of Team Seven was actually filling in for Itachi's while he was on his 'break'. Sasuke had mentioned in passing recently that his brother had been taking extra missions for the past several years, and since then his family had started pressuring both siblings to settle down. (Naruto and Sakura had had a good laugh at Sasuke's expense at that admission.) It seemed the Uchiha elders were starting to get concerned they would not have any new heirs to spoil.

But it made Sakura wonder if it was what may have driven Itachi to leave the village, or if he was simply a workaholic.
It wasn't any of her business, though. All she could do was leave a message for Naruto and Sasuke to join her when they returned.
So much trouble for one errant Uchiha, she sighed to herself. Could Itachi really not handle being off the duty roster for a few days?

Even as she thought it, though, she cringed internally, knowing about how well she handled her 'enforced' leaves. (And the month of indentured servitude she'd been subjected to, following her last 'stress-relieving' practice on the training grounds.)

Which was to say… not very…

Ok, so she could sympathise with Itachi's desire to 'get away from things', to some extent, and seek excitement elsewhere. Or at least distraction.

Sakura just wished he hadn't done it while she was one of the few team-less ANBU on 'duty' and ergo first in line for his retrieval.

Inconsiderate jerk, she grumbled to herself, landing on another branch before bouncing off again through the leafy canopy.

Couldn't he just suck it up and get a girlfriend? Was it that hard? It would get his clan off his back for a while…

"You know, if you get bored this easily, you could just take up a teaching position at the Academy," counseled Kisame that afternoon. "It'll keep you busy."

Beneath the rest-stop's awning, Itachi grunted in dismissal. They shared a pot of tea, graciously left for their use by the bandits who'd fled upon sight of them.

Itachi sipped at his cup and looked out over the forest.

Him?

Children?

Ludicrous.

"Think of the fun you'd have coming up with head games for the little monsters," grinned Kisame, needling Itachi further.

"If you trust me with children, send yours to me. I will teach them."

Kisame snorted. "You'd teach them, all right. They'd kill me in my sleep."

"You would die a proud man."

"I would, too," Kisame's laughter rang through the empty pavilion. "You know me too well."

Itachi almost smiled.

Sakura made it into the small town that evening and found a room, settled her things, and went out to search for traces of her quarry.

Flashing a picture of him hadn't helped much up until this point, and yet she knew by the faintest tinges of his chakra that he must have passed that way. It was something she'd noticed she could trace on individuals she was familiar with – a kind of signature. She knew Itachi's from having spent time at Sasuke's family home, with her team.

But despite many saying the picture seemed familiar—and nearly everyone asking for a copy of it—no one had seen him.

He must be travelling under a faint henge, she mused. She continued on in her search, finally dropping by a take-out stand to collect her supper on her way back to her room for the night.

Sakura fingered the picture while she waited for her food, debating her next move.

"Oh, that's that pretty lady who went through here earlier today," remarked the customer beside her.

"You've seen him?"
"Oh, not him, her," said the woman patiently. "Prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. Was walking with a tall, blue man. They had a bit of an antagonistic relationship, from what I could see," she confided knowingly.

"Did you happen to see which direction they were heading in?"
"Oh yes, towards the sea. It's about a three day walk in that direction," the round woman pointed.

"Thank you so much!"

"Is she a friend of yours? Do you know where she purchased her kimono or shoes? My daughter went to ask, but she just brushed her off. It was quite rude, even the big man started laughing himself silly…"

A very feminine henge, decided Sakura, her eyebrow twitching in understanding as the woman went on. No wonder she'd had such a difficult time with her polling.

"Oy! Where are you little buggers? Your dad brought your Uncle Itachi to visit!"

"Uncle Itachi's here!"

"Yay!"
"Unc… Aun…tie… 'tachi?" asked the youngest, confused, when she saw them entering the kitchen.

But still she held out her arms, and was immediately enthralled when her Uncle-Auntie-Itachi gave a resigned sigh and picked her up, much to her delight.

"Pwitty 'tachi!"

"Hn."

"See, you're a natural," Kisame couldn't resist. Even as he spoke he dodged his two eldest sons' synchronized kunai attacks, the blades not quite skimming him. Then he whirled on them and bellowed, "What kind of stance was that! Are you trying to embarrass me in front of your Uncle? I taught you bastards better than that! Now get back here and come at me like you mean it!"

Shaking his head in great display of disappointment, Kisame set about correcting their footwork. It was mostly in vain, however, as the children giggled and dogpiled around their father's legs, trying to trip, maim, and love him (roughly in that order).

"See, Ita-oof!-chi," grunted the Mist-nin as his sons tackled him to the ground. "You could do this with your eyes closed, and—now you put that down, those are the good kunai! Take that out of your mouth!"

With a huff, Kisame went on at his sons, "Do you know who daddy had to kill to get those? Who knows where they've been. Put them away, those are going to be family heirlooms!"

"Hn," was all Itachi said, again, and wondered how much bleach Kisame went through to get out all the bloodstains that must accumulate in his household. His wife was either a freakishly strong kunoichi, or some incarnation of the goddess Kannon, the Boddhisatva of compassion. Having met her several times, Itachi still wasn't quite sure which.

In his arms, Kisame's little daughter cooed and snuggled closer to her pretty uncle.

"What do you mean, she hasn't come back yet?"
The chunin manning the missions desk shook her head, raising her hands defensively.

"Look, she left you a note, that's all I know!"

"Show us," Sasuke ordered, his brow tightening. Naruto tore it open and passed it over to him.

Dragging a hand through his hair, Naruto anxiously waited for his 'brother' to speak. "Well?"

"I think I know where she's headed. Come on, we'll switch out our supplies, and we'll be able to meet her within a day and a half."
"Good."

The clouds were starting to gather as Sakura crested the hill and looked out over a magnificent view of the ocean.

And wanted to curse it.

"He went for a trip to the beach? …!"

Suddenly channeling her inner-Tsunade, she straightened her back and set her jaw,-and clenched her fists-following the road as a slow fire smoldered and burned inside her.

"Dad, did you prank Uncle Deidara again?"
"Not recently, no."

"… Hmmm…"

Kisame looked at his oldest son's thoughtful expression as he gazed out the window. Then he felt it, too.

"Were you followed?" he turned to Itachi, suddenly serious.

Itachi shook his head. "No."

"That doesn't feel like Mom's killing-intent," said the oldest slowly.

"Kid's right," said Kisame. Then he turned to his son, adding, "Good job using your senses, son, and differentiating different chakra signatures," in lavish praise, remembering his wife's last lecture on 'positive reinforcement'. He glanced at Itachi again. "Is it familiar to you?"

Itachi started to shake his head—and then realized with dawning comprehension, yes, it was familiar.

… and highly dangerous…

Kisame's eyes narrowed.

"You know who it is, though."

"I'll handle it."

"Want back-up? It feels like a storm coming."

Having a fair idea of just who was barreling down on them, Itachi shook his head once. "No."

"We have other spare kunai that aren't the really good kunai!" piped up the middle child, Kisame's other son. "We only bring them out when we have company."
"Yes, and then your mother complains about having to clean them up afterwards. We aren't giving those to Uncle Itachi."

"Aww, ok… Can we watch?"
"Yes, but go upstairs and make sure you don't look in Uncle Itachi's eyes when he fights, got it?" He ordered as his children scaled the stairs, and he took his youngest from Itachi's arms. "Your mother won't be happy if you're caught in another week-long doujutsu!" he hollered up after them, and then mumbled, "Daddy wants to live to see tomorrow."

"Hn," said his daughter seriously.

"Hn," said Itachi. Collecting a sword from one of the weapons piles that leaned against the playpen, Itachi put his hand on the door, and slid it open.

Just as he was about to step out, Kisame grabbed his arm.

"Oy!" he admonished. "What are you thinking?"

Itachi glanced at him.

Kisame raised a hand, where two shoes dangled.

"Don't forget your heels."

"You could have at least left a note, Taichou," growled Sakura as she met her ANBU captain on the road, her fists on her hips.

Tension pulled between them, filling the air with the anticipation only a fight between master opponents could generate.

Amusement toyed with annoyance as Itachi took note of who his Hokage had dispatched to retrieve him. At least it wasn't his brother this time; Sasuke had sulked the entire way home, when Tsunade had sent him. Something about his younger sibling feeling 'left out' of things…

But Sakura, her apprentice? Not to mention his subordinate?

What was the Hokage playing at?

Suspicions trailed around the perimeter of his mind, and he considered them while he spoke.

"This doesn't concern you. I will return at the end of my leave."
"Consorting with S-class missing-nin is listed at the top of the 'Elite, Loyal Konohagakure Shinobi Things To NOT Do'-list, sir," she said, standing her ground. "You need to return to Konoha with me. If you do not comply, I will be left with no choice but to employ force."

"Leave, Haruno."

"If you've packed your bag, I will be most obliged. We can go immediately."

"Hn," his dark eyes narrowed. She was being difficult.

The tension ebbed higher, like a tide, and Itachi found himself looking forward to their impending encounter, strangely enough. Was it just because of the opportunity of a re-match? Their last 'spar' has distracted him for days.

Now that they were away from the village, however, there would be far less interference.

And far fewer rules…

Interesting.

She was dressed in her standard ninja uniform, with her combat sandal-boots buckled high, her clothing a bit mussed from travel, but sensibly, for the most part. His eyes strayed to her pale, slender shoulders that were bare from her red tunic. An interest that had nothing to do with the practicality of her wardrobe, but entirely to do with their pending encounter stirred within the Uchiha then, suddenly confusing him.

Unaware of her commander's uncertainty, Sakura looked him over in return, and again he was reminded of his 'disguise'.

"No wonder you were so hard to track down," he heard her mutter under her breath, "You're more attractive than I am in, especially in that kimono."

But then Sakura noticed his choice of footwear, and immediately was wrought with sympathy.

Chakra flared.

Itachi's defences rose—

"Oh no, have you been wearing those all day? Your feet must be killing you!"

"… Ah," he finally relented, and the tension that had built between them dispelled, almost immediately.

Only to be replaced by something even harder to defend against, as Sakura sighed and shook her head, clucking her tongue at him as her chakra gathered to her hands.

"Sit down on the porch, Taichou," she raised her hands towards his feet.

And he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel some kind of spark ignite between them when her cool hands cradled his aching calves to massage the aches from them, before moving on to his blistered soles. So he didn't say anything at all, simply watched, and appreciated Sakura's skills.

From their bedroom window, the two boys peeked out over the ledge.

"I can't see 'em anymore," said one.

"Ick, you don't want to. They have that weird vibe, a little bit like between Mom and Dad after they fight."

"Hmmm."

"What?"

"They're still talking, though."

"Yeah."

The other shook his head. "Not like Mom and Dad, then."

Sakura stayed the night in a guest room, after spending supper, and the remainder of the evening, with Kisame and his family, and Itachi.

Strangely enough, it didn't feel strange to Sakura, once she got used to the boys constantly offering to show her their skills, and the little girl wanting to plait garrote wire through her hair.

She and Itachi stood outside together the next morning in the clearing behind Kisame's home.

"An old 'colleague'?"

"We've worked together in the past."

"This seems more personal than a 'working' friendship," she remarked, glancing over at the training area where Kisame was helping his daughter learn her defensive stances. "So, is this where you sneak off to when Shishou sends out her search parties for you?"

"Hn."

Trying to hide a smile, Sakura bumped Itachi lightly out of the way so she could widen her stance and hurl her kunai at the target. "It's a nice place," was all she said as a hollow thwack resounded when her knife met the board. She lowered her arm and turned to look at him, waiting for his reply.

He regarded her a moment, before casually stepping into her personal space again, nearly nose to nose, and then slid his foot alongside hers before tapping her insole with his toe to correct her stance.

"Hn," he said, not backing away immediately, a smirk playing on his lips when her cheeks warmed with a faint blush.

"Your turn," she said, and held out a kunai.

"Ah."

"We'll be there by nightfall," Sasuke said as he and Naruto took a short break to rest and eat.

"Good. I mean, I know they're both geniuses and all, but your brother's kind of psychotic, and Sakura's kind of unpredictable with her temper, and the two of them together are just a scary, explosive mess waiting to happ-."
"What did you say?" Sasuke suddenly straightened up, his mind whirling as he turned around to face Naruto, his dark eyes wide.

"I said they're both powerful shinobi, and if they were left together unsupervis-."
Sasuke hissed in sudden understanding of the Hokage's timing. So that's why Sakura had been sent out on her own! And his aniki-! While he and Naruto had been sent on their own mission-!

The Uchiha jumped to his feet and started stomping out their campfire.

"Pack up, we're going."

"What? We just sat down! You just said we're almost there!"

"Shut up and move, they're in danger!" Of themselves, thought Sasuke wildly. Not that he was going to share that part with Naruto.
"WHAT?"

"Lower."
Itachi bent lower.

"Lower."

And lower.

"Smile!"

Sakura burst out laughing.

"Haruno," he growled in warning, but Sakura couldn't help it.

Kisame's daughter had begged, pleaded and whined until Itachi had put his kimono on one last time to 'pose' while she 'took' his picture. With her crayons.

Tears were streaming down Sakura's face, though Itachi remained composed for the 'portrait'.

"I can't wait to tell Ibiki," she snickered, wiping a handkerchief across her eyes.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" chanted the boys as Itachi's aura swelled and darkened at Sakura's teasing.

"Are you challenging me, Haruno?"

"I think I am, Taichou. But I wouldn't want to damage your lovely dress."
At that, Itachi smirked, and she grinned.

They were outside in seconds, crayons forgotten.

They were careful enough to take their enthusiastic sparring away from the homes that dotted the shore, but were still visible for some distance thanks to their massive, chakra-based attacks.

Racing along the top of the waves, Sakura gleefully launched herself at her captain, fists flying and kicks spinning around to catch him behind the knee.

For his part, Itachi held nothing back, his Sharingan whirling as he anticipated Sakura's attacks, and launched katon-jutsu at her in retaliation.

Of course, he wasn't accustomed to fighting in a kimono, and mindful of its delicacy, he ended up mis-stepping in an effort to avoid tearing it to shreds when he was forced to leap out of the way of one of Sakura's chakra-laden feet.

A harsh grunt escaped his lips as he hit the sand, hard, with his shoulder; dirt and sand exploded around him at the impact, and he rolled to a stop, his teeth grit.

"Taichou!"

Aniki!

His Sharingan activated, Sasuke felt as much as saw his brother hit the distant shoreline, and put on a burst of speed.

"Sakura!"

Naruto hurried to catch up.

"Next time, just say 'uncle'," scolded Sakura as her hands glowed with healing chakra, pressing into Itachi's shoulder.

"It will be your turn, next time."

"Confident for a pony-tailed man wearing a kimono, who just got his elite butt handed to him by a girl."

"Kunoichi."

"Hmm?"

"You are a kunoichi, Haruno. An exceptional one."

Swallowing, Sakura's glowing hand moved from his shoulder to his head. "Did you conk this, too?"

Itachi shook his head at her teasing, his red eyes fading to black as he held her gaze.

"I did not strike my head."

"No, apparently not," she said quietly after she finished her assessment, her fingers withdrawing to his shoulder again.

Itachi didn't miss how her glance flickered to his face, back to his shoulder, and back to his face again before her cheeks pinked and she focused on his injury. She kneeled between his knees as he sat back, leaning against a dune. They were silent as they listened to the waves while her chakra hummed between them.

"There," she said a few minutes later, her knuckles giving his skin a quick massage to loosen the muscles. "It may be sore for a bit as it's reset, but there'll be no lasting effects."
Itachi nodded appreciatively, then made a decision of his own.

He had been given leave, he was away from the constant overseeing of his Hokage and Clan…

And finally, finally, he was alone with Sakura, the kunoichi he'd admired for so long…

"How can I thank you, then?" he asked, his voice lowering. Deliberately he leaned forward as he rested his hands on his knees, on either side of her. His heart beat steadily in his chest, and he felt it growing tight with anticipation.

Sakura felt butterflies fluttering in her stomach at the look in his eyes, and couldn't deny something similar was making her eyelids heavy, too, as warmth spread through her at his proximity.

They were so close she could blink and her eyelashes would catch on his now-tattered kimono. He leaned down, his face alongside hers.

"I…" Sakura's breath caught as she felt his cheek against hers.

Their noses brushed each other as their breath mixed.

"May I?" he whispered against her lips.

"Yes," she replied, but it was muffled when his soft, warm mouth closed over hers, sending lightning shooting through them both.

Somehow her fingers tangled in his loosened hair, and his came around her in a strong embrace. Itachi groaned low in his throat when Sakura gasped, and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue past her lips to trace the contours of her mouth.

Finally, they both thought with dizzying happiness.

Neither noticed when they fell back against the dune again.

Or when Sasuke and Naruto happened upon them.

Until Naruto screamed, that is.

"HOLY MOTHER OF CROW, SAKURA'S MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL ON THE BEACH!"

Which brings us back to Ino, being the good friend that she is, visiting Sakura in order to try and cheer her up.

"Do you know how many guys have been dropping by your house? Your entire mailbox was full! You're even getting gifts!"

"Ino, really, this is a huge misunderstanding."

"I think you have every eligible bachelor in Konoha knocking down your door! Look, there're letters here from Genma—."

"Ew!"

"And Jiraiya-."

"I'm sending that one to Tsunade to handle."

"And Kakashi-."

"THAT IS JUST SO WRONG!"

"I mean you even have one here from Uchiha Itachi, and—hey! Oh wow, these are some cute shoes!"

Sakura ripped the last envelope open, panic-stricken at the potential contents.

And she felt her heart hammer in her chest, and then lodge in her throat—half-anxious, half-anticipatory—at what she read.

In simple, elegant handwriting, Itachi had written her a promise, of sorts.

Next time, I'll make you say 'uncle'.

- I.

Biting her lip, Sakura blushed and wondered when he'd next have leave.

THE END.