TEAM DISGAEA VERSUS DETHKLOK –GORDON'S PERFECT FIRST ROUND?

Time has passed, and the setting has changed. Laharl and his vassals were now situated in Metropolis, a city once protected by a spandex-clad super-person-guy that had mysteriously disappeared some time earlier. And by "mysteriously", I mean "pretty much everyone suspected that the guys in BORED working with Lex Luthor had something to do with it, but there's not actually any evidence to prove it, and they probably wouldn't go to jail peacefully even if there was". Considering that the majority of these people couldn't tell the similarities between Clark Kent and their champion of justice if you put them right next to each other, that's really saying something.

Getting back on track, the demons from Disgaea had smuggled in a few Prinnies to help carry their gear into the human world, and were establishing their main base of operations in an abandoned bar known as the "Gunk-Eye". It was a dive, but at least there was still alcohol on the shelves. Laharl's sword, Etna's lance, and Flonne's staff had already been stored under the counter until it was time to fight. As for Captain Gordon and the other Netherworld Heroes, they fought mainly with their fists, so they didn't have to worry about item theft…well, unless they had a rather psychotic opponent in the near future.

Soon, one of their sponsor's goblin minions informed the demons that their first opponents would be a mortal band called 'Dethklok'. It was decided that Captain Gordon's group would take care of their first opponents, as Laharl felt that beating up a bunch of musicians didn't rank high enough on his 'things I'd like to beat to a bloody pulp' list to bother wasting energy in a battle. However, whilst making some last-minute checks on Thursday's hardware, Jennifer accidentally sprained her wrist. Since Etna was the one who proposed signing up for a tourney in the first place, the blue-haired Overlord proclaimed that she should be the one to take the blonde's place on the field. Etna was less than pleased at this development, which riled up Captain Gordon a fair bit.

"Dramatic gasp! Have you no confidence in us, fair Etna? Remember, I did not obtain the position of 37th Defender of Earth by mere happenstance! I am a sparkling diamond, shining like a star! Glory, my preferred school, I'll get in somehow! Genius, prodigy, aim for the top, GO GO!" Gordon proclaimed to his demonic comrade, whilst pumping his fist into the air for emphasis.

"Hey, I've heard of this song before!" said Flonne, the greatest otaku of the group, with excitement. "This is the part where each of us gets to call you an idiot, like, six times in a row, right?"

Gordon flinched; if this was an anime, a giant sweat drop would be on his forehead right now. "Er…for the sake of team morale, perhaps we should end the conversation here and just do our duty on the battlefield. What say you, my loyal companions?"

"BEEP BEEP BLIP BEEP. THURSDAY IS READY TO DO IT FOR THE GIPPER."

"…Whatever, ya nine-ball," Etna muttered, clenching her spear tightly and trying not to lose her mind.

~.~

Later, the trio was gathered in the Metropolis paintball grounds, the area where battle would soon commence. For those that aren't researching the background of this tournament, there are two conditions a team needs to reach to achieve victory in this round. One, the two members of the opposing team fighting on the ground must either be knocked out or surrender. And two, the third member, located on the upper levels, must be pushed down to the ground. The demons decided that Etna and her Longinus lance would be fighting from above, as she could utilize a few long-range maneuvers that could assist Gordon and Thursday.

While the Disgaea team was setting up, Dethklok was analyzing their competition. "Huh…usually, we don't see demons pop up until us gets to the chorus. Least, I think one of em's a demon," uttered Toki, examining Etna and wondering why she wasn't twenty feet taller, completely nude, and/or covered in blood. "And I think we left all our pointy stuff back at the bar we gots smashed at last night. Whadda ya think wes should do, Skwis?"

"We do what wes always do; play as loudly as we can, and let our manager deal with everythin' else," uttered the other guitarist, as he finished tuning his instrument. "Good thing we at least remembered to bring the amp that goes up to eleven, right boys?"

At that point, Deadpool, the "Merc with a mouth" and the tournament's announcer, was ready to make…well, an announcement. "Okay, that's enough commercials for now; let's get back to watching people kick each other's teeth in! In this round, fighting for Hell, we've got a demon loli, a Flash Gordon expy, and R2D2 with a voice synthesizer. And on the other side, from the hit band Dethklok, we've got Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, and…Pickles the Drummer? What, couldn't you have at least added an umlaut? Any name can get a badass boost from an umlaut! Like…Bünny Hüg. See what I did there? 'Course not; you're on the wrong side of the computer screen! But enough with my chit-chat; let's get this party started!"

"That sounds like our cue, guys!" shouted Skwis. "And one! Two! One, two…uh…start playing, guys!"

The three members of Dethklok began playing at the exact same moment. What followed next could only be described as the sound wave equivalent to Hurricane Katrina. Etna managed to dig her lance into the platform she stood upon and prevent being blown away, but Thursday and Captain Gordon were forced right into the wall at the other end of the arena.

"BEEP BEEP BLIP BEEP. OUR WEAPONS APPEAR USELESS AGAINST THE POWER OF ROCK."

"Impossible! Not even the 'phattest' of funk can defeat the Justice that flows through my veins, for the knowledge that you're fighting towards a noble cause provides Heroes with energy! And with energy," Gordon stated, as he struck the most dramatic pose that he could muster, "everything is 1, 2, 9999!"

After yet another dramatic pose, Gordon defied all odds and pushed himself off of the wall he'd been blasted to. Withstanding the force of the music, the hero was able to charge straight to the other side of the battlefield without breaking a sweat. And with one "GORDON KICK!", he blew Dethklok's amp into a thousand pieces…1,213 if you want to be specific. Thankfully for the band, Ofdensen had at least put a warranty on the annihilated technology.

"Great going, Captain Moron. Maybe you deserve more credit than I've been giving you…nah, just kidding!" Etna said as she charged as Skwis with her lance. The guitarist decided to utilize his instrument as an impromptu sword, first parrying the demon girl's blow, and then swinging it towards her head. As willingly taking brain damage wasn't a good idea, Etna quickly dodged the attack.

Back on the ground, Gordon was a bit out of breath from his stunt, Thursday was slowly making his way over to his captain, and the two musicians merely stared at the man who'd just epically wrecked their stuff. "Oy, Pickles!" Toki cried. "What does the scouter say about his power level?"

"…Hell'm I supposed ta know?" the smart (a term used loosely, mind you) member of the band replied. "You know the judge said we ain't allowed near a scout since that time up in Canada. I hear the poor kid still gets goose bumps when he sees dog shit."

"…Oh, you…*pant*…ain't seen nothing yet, foul noise polluters! Come to me, loyal…*pant*…sidekick Thursday! Lend me your power, and together we shall be…*pant*…victorious!" uttered the Defender of Earth, while dramatically striking a dramatic pose despite his weariness.

"BEEP BEEP BLIP BEEP. YOU GOT IT, CAP'N. INITIALIZING MAGICHANGE," replied his robot buddy. Thursday launched himself into the air and, utilizing the game play concepts of the third Disgaea title, transformed himself into an extremely powerful gun. Sadly, according to that game's downloadable content, Gordon's time in the Netherworld had made him a human-looking monster that can't equip regular weapons. Thus, all that he could do was comically get hit in the head by the falling weapon.

"Gah! Foiled by canon! This is utterly humiliating!" cried Gordon as he rubbed the bump on his head. Quickly realizing that Thursday would be teleported back to base when the Magichange ended, Gordon decided to make the most out of it and toss his transformed sidekick to the teammate that could actually use it. "Etna! Heads up!"

Without saying a word, Etna jumped away from another of Skwisgaar Skwigelf's blows and grabbed the gun. She quickly jumped pack towards the guitarist and unleashed a Proximal Shot while the gun was pressed against his forehead. The force of the blast was enough to launch him off of the platform, hit the ground with a loud thud, and give Team Disgaea the advantage. Etna then took a few shots at the other band members below, while Gordon scurried for cover. One (un)lucky shot was able to pierce Pickle's drums and reveal a hidden treasure inside.

"Ah, so that's where I left me other gun!" Pickles commented as he picked up the AK-47 that had been stashed inside his instrument. Looking up, he noticed Etna's quizzical expression, and decided to offer an explanation…of sorts. "Well, I woulda stuffed it up me own backside, but-"

"You realized that it'd be too easy to accidentally shoot your own ass off, ya moron?" Etna interrupted

"Nah, it was just too hard to use the john," Pickles replied. He then took a few shots at his red-haired opponent, and managed to nick one of her pigtails before she stepped back and prepared to take another shot. Sadly, Thursday's Magichange time ran out soon after, and he was warped out of the battlefield (assumedly back to the Gunk-Eye in lieu of a traditional base). Etna decided to switch to casting Fire magic at her target, but since Pickles no longer needed to be stationary behind his drum set, he was able to run away from the powerful spell.

While Pickles and Etna were having a long-range battle, Gordon and Toki were facing off in another part of the arena. Like Skwis, Toki was swinging his guitar around like it was the legendary Excaliber, which gave him an offensive advantage over Gordon the brawler. However, as Gordon didn't have a weapon weighing him down, it was easy for him to dramatically dodge and dramatically roll around the blows…dramatically.

Back with Etna and Pickles, the latter had found some decent cover and was shooting at the former, who was getting pretty ticked off. Recalling a match she had seen earlier, where some group calling themselves the 'Pillar Guardians' were able to summon skeletons without impunity, she decided that summoning her own minions wouldn't be a bad idea at this point.

"Time to take this up a notch! Prinny Raid!" Etna called out, unleashing one of her special techniques. High in the sky above the paintball field, somewhere between ten and twenty Prinnies instantly materialized. With a flick of her hand, they came down like meteors, exploding as soon as they hit the ground and leaving their bodies strewn everywhere. It took only a single wave of this bombardment in order to breach Pickle's cover and knock the drummer out. However, despite the original height of the summoned Prinnies, Toki and Gordon were just out of range of her attack. Since Gordon was a bonehead, and Toki probably had the bare minimum of brain cells required to know that attempting to use melee against her was a bad idea, Etna decided to finish this round off using a different strategy.

"Hey, other guitar boy!" Etna called out. "Let's make a deal. You surrender, and I'll let you keep one of my Prinnies. Make him your butler, throw him at your fanboys, I don't care. Sound good to you?"

"Dramatic Gasp 2: Electric Boogaloo! Etna, how dare you suggest such a thing? While I have accepted that demons often resort to underhanded tactics for a victory, did you not enter us in this tournament to prove the power of the glorious fighting spirit? For shame!" announced Captain Gordon, making pigs across the world jealous of his ham content. "Why, I-"

Toki decided to cut the Captain's speech short by whacking him in the back of the head. "Youse got a deal, demon lady! Hey, Mr. Dead-head guy! Team Dethklok, by which I means me, doesn't want to fights no more!"

"Eh, whatever floats your boat, kiddo" replied Deadpool, who could hear what Toki said due to strategically hidden microphones scattered throughout the field. "Winner, Team Disgaea!"

"Yayz! I'm gonna get meself an explodin' pen-gee-won butler! Tot'ly metal, dudes!" Toki said as he picked up one of the Prinnies from Etna's earlier Prinny Raid. He then ran for the exit before Etna could backstab him and take the penguin back, because demons we evil and they'd totally do that. A couple of their fans, the Klokateers, quickly ran in to grab the other two guys and carry them to the hospital.

Once the opposition had left, Etna hopped off her platform and approached her teammate. Wearily, Gordon looked up at her and inquired, "Did we win?"

"Yes, Captain Moron," Etna replied. "It was a perfect victory, by which I mean that I personally didn't get a single injury. Now get up; I'm not dragging your smelly body all the way to the Gunk-Eye."

Gordon watched Etna casually stride away. The Defender of Earth had enough energy left in him to utter "Chalk one up for justice!" before his body decided to completely collapse.

~.~

And so, using the power of bribery, Beautiful Team Etna has achieved sweet victory!

"Don't forget the power of the heroic spirit! I, Captain Gordon, the 37th Defender of Earth, was amazing in that aspect!"

…Sure, whatever. Anyways, just because they won the battle, it doesn't mean they won the war! Utilizing Fridge Logic, the talented leader Etna realizes how the Pillar Guardians can summon skeletons in a paintball field: it must have been built on an ancient burial ground!

"Etna, are you aware that half the fights written for this round will be deemed non-canon? If we have to retcon this in a later entry, the loyal fans of justice will be displeased!"

Soon, the spirits of the founders of Metropolis decide that enough is enough! It's finally time to take revenge! And Gordon's body just happens to be lying around, in the perfect state for a possession…

"W-w-w-what? But I don't want a ghost to take over my body!"

Not my problem, bub! Next time, on A Winn3r Is You: Beautiful Team Etna! The Second Round Fight! "The Eighth Sense"! Because everyone knows that the sixth is 'fashion', and the seventh is 'common'! We ain't 'fraid of no ghosts, especially any that have to rely on Captain Moron for victory!

"…What must a hero do to get some respect around here?"

A/N: Hey there, viewers! As you know, references and allusions to other works of media is common in Nippon Ichi games, and thus I've included a bunch in this chapter. Can you spot them all? Here's one of the trickier ones to identify: "Bünny Hüg" is from the 'Heavy Metal Band Names' section of the book Everything Explained Through Flowcharts, by Doogie Horner. Happy hunting!