The Caper Continuum

Chapter 5: Wil Wheaton

"Think of this as a dress rehearsal for tomorrow night," she told him, attempting to placate his nerves as he stared at himself in the mirror with his face distorted by a grimace. Her own costume was still sitting in her sewing machine at home. She'd found this amazing dress for 75% off because someone had busted the zipper, something easily fixed by someone who had the know-how and the time to mend a huge rent in the material along the seam.

Time was iffy because she'd spent the last three days working on the item draped over her arm, but Penny certainly had the know-how.

"This is ridiculous," Sheldon whined, tugging on his black vest. His shoulders were curled over as he hunched his back uncomfortably. He had his elbows drawn up in his usual preying-mantis pose and he was pouting, brow wrinkled anxiously. "I can't wear this, Penny! I won't have full mobility of my left arm and I..." he broke off, mumbling quietly as he turned to look at himself in the mirror.

"What was that?" she asked sympathetically. He really wasn't pulling the look off. In theory, the long black lines of his costume should emphasize his attractiveness, and the moment he had stepped out of the dressing room she had seen it in the snap of the curtain and his impatience, but now that he was being himself, she could see that the lorthario look wasn't something he could pull off. "I'm sorry Sheldon," Penny said tightly, really meaning it. "You refused to wear anything used, and these are the only new pieces Jennifer has that will fit you and are appropriate for the party."

"Penny!" Sheldon said, tone high pitched and stressed as he pulled at the material over his ass. "These pants are made of polyurethane."

Polyurethane? Pleather. Same difference.

"It's not really pleather, it's more denim coated in... well, probably polyurething." Damn, he was right again. How did this man know more about fashion than she did, sometimes, and yet still dress like a third-grader? His opinion on the beret was awe-inspiring. "We'd have had to get you into pleather pants using baby powder and Vaseline. This looks a lot like the real deal and it doesn't chafe or cause you to sweat as much." Sheldon looked like that wasn't a comfort. She didn't blame him. Awkwardly, she patted his shoulder, trying to school her expression away from a wince. She also tried, and failed, not to look at his butt. "I'm sorry. We can abandon the plan and come up with something else."

"Abandon the plan!" Sheldon yelped. "No, no, no Penny. That isn't possible. Wil Wheaton is well known in certain circles for his parties and the fact that an invite just landed in my lap is proof that now is the perfect time to strike. He will be incapacitated by liquor and his own petard. There is no other plan."

Yeah, landed in his lap. It was more like she'd practically and purposely landed in Wil Wheaton's lap to get those invites.

"Ok then, there's one final part of the costume," she told him, drawing out the long black cloak meant to be worn over his left shoulder. She'd taken care in selecting the material and sewing it herself, so it would fit him exactly. She was really proud of it, but she could see now that he wouldn't be in the mood to wear it. His face scrunched up as though he was in physical pain before she even attached it beneath his right arm. "Just... think of yourself as Aragorn or Frodo or someone from the Lord of the Rings."

"They don't have stupid side cloaks that make them look like a second rate magician!" Sheldon recoiled, the sentence coming out in all one stream of breath so that it took her a moment to decipher the words.

"Yeah," she said, trying not to be insulted. "That does suck."

x.x.x.x.x

The party was in full swing when they arrived. The moment they pulled up in Penny's car and bypassed the house, Sheldon stopped fidgeting in his outfit, his expression turning from discomfort to that intensely focused look he usually had when watching Star Trek or working on physics. He went still and contemplative, utterly confident now that he was in his intellectual element. Seeing the change in his demeanour happen right before her eyes, even though it had happened a few times now, always managed to take her breath away and put her heart in her throat.

Sheldon had definite untapped potential. She loved him in his whackadoodle glory, loved everything about him, even the bad, but she also loved when he showed her sides of him that she didn't even know existed and that he probably didn't even know about himself. Sheldon was nothing if not multifaceted, and sometimes she wanted to see how far his genius went.

She had a feeling he could do anything he wanted to once he put his mind to it. The only thing stopping him was his own sense of self – don't get her wrong, she didn't want to change a thing about him, but she kind of wanted to be part of encouraging him to grow as a person. She wanted to show him the world.

She had a feeling he'd be teaching her so much more.

"We'll find a place to park," she told him as they drove by Wil Wheaton's house. Every single light was blazing and a number of people were milling around the front yard. The house was surprisingly modest, something Penny expected to see in any suburb of any American city. She had expected more from a former child celebrity turned nerd C-lister, but she wasn't sure why. The guy lived in Burbank for crying out loud!

Sheldon nodded, but his eyes were sharp with anticipation and the underlying abhorrence he had towards Wil Wheaton. It was thrilling to see him like this, all razor-edged and vengeful and willing to do anything for retribution. She reached over and put her hand over his thigh, giving the muscle a quick squeeze without really thinking about the contact, especially since he didn't seem bothered by it at all. It was like it didn't even register in his mind.

Penny wasn't sure if that was progress or not.

They ended up parking a few blocks away. Uncharitably, Penny wondered how someone as uninfluential Wil Wheaton could organize a party that so many people showed up to. Especially, one that went so against the grain of his normal milieu. As far as she could tell, there wasn't a single Trek costume in sight. There were no Vulcan ears or Romulan foreheads, no visors or yellow, red or blue uniforms.

Penny was sure Wil Wheaton (one name) was doing this to impress her. Either that or he really had a hard-on for masquerade parties, but considering how mainstream Hollywood those were, Penny was sure it was to impress a woman, and considering the timing it was probably her. Well, not exactly her, but a version of Penny who was so much of a wannabe that even Wil Wheaton's fame looked good, and since Wil Wheaton was pretty much a burnt out star, that was saying something.

"What's a burnt out star called?" Penny asked Sheldon as they walked to the party. He kept getting caught up in his cape, refusing to use any of the rapid and theatrical movements she had tried to teach him. Instead, he kept gingerly picking it up with the very tips of his fingers and trying to drop it aside. It was completely ridiculous and she wanted to laugh at him, but knew he'd probably never forgive her, especially since she had forced him to wear it.

"A white dwarf. The concept of a star which is entirely 'burnt out', which I believe you're looking for, is a black dwarf, but it is hypothetical since it would take longer for a white dwarf to entirely burn out than the current age of the universe."

"Heh, the universe has an actual age? That seems difficult to wrap your mind around."

"Yes, the Big Bang happened approximately 13.75 billion years ago, but it is an uncertain range based on the idea that the universe cannot be older than its contents. It is all very scientific and rational. Everything has an age, Penny. I'm reluctant to say I entirely agree with your assessment, but there is something unfathomable about time and space. Theoretical physics is the pursuit of solving those mysteries and putting an explanation to something currently unknown. I chose it for that very reason."

Wow, that was something. They just had a conversation about science that had him kind of agreeing with something she said and also explaining his job so that it sounded both interesting and really cool. This was a noteworthy moment.

Plus? White dwarf was kind of the perfect insult for Wil Wheaton if she ever heard one. He was one of the whitest people she'd ever seen and he was pretty short. Not Howard short, but then who was?

She wasn't sure Sheldon would get the insult.

"Ok," she stopped him just as they reached the walkway up to Wheaton's house. "Costume check. Make sure everything is in place."

She eyed him critically, checking to make sure his white mask was still affixed properly over the top half of his face. Her eyes continued lower, making sure his black shirt hadn't bunched up beneath the vest. Sheldon probably wouldn't notice such things, but it would ruin the entire silhouette of his costume. He looked as lean as a whip, but about as dangerous as a bolo tie.

At some point he had folded up his sleeves so that his forearms were visible. It was so typical of him that she smiled.

Her own costume was the opposite of his, at least color-wise. Her mask was rendered to mimic angel wings and her dress was pure white, almost indecently short in the front with a fluttery long skirt in the back. Her hands ran over her face first and then her dress to make sure everything was in order. Sheldon's eyes followed her touch, his mouth skewed into an unhappy pout.

"Cheer up Sheldor," Penny said, a smile in her voice. She wasn't able to resist calling him that when he was wearing a cape, nay a cloak. All he needed was some gauntlets, a hood and maybe a few weapons and he would be pretty much be his online warrior. "Ignore the clothes, you're about to get one over on Wil Wheaton. This is the man who tricked you into losing at that card game, and the bastard did it by using his meemaw as a scapegoat. He pretended she was dead! It doesn't get more fiendish than that!"

"You're right, Penny," Sheldon said, snapping to attention, his eyes regaining some of that fire she'd seen in the car. His eyes narrowed on the entrance way behind her, and she could see him begin to focus with resolute intensity. He moved around her as though drawn by preternatural forces and Penny trailed along behind him with a bemused grin on her face.

They entered the house to find the first floor packed wall to wall with people dancing to a Ke$ha song. Most of the costumes were far more elaborate than theirs, but Sheldon was looking fine in his minimal black. He paused in the entryway, and Penny almost expected him to turn and flee or comment on how it was a fire hazard to have so many people in one room, but instead he squared his shoulders and raised his head in his 'you're all simpletons' pose, his arms crossed across his chest.

Penny licked her lips, her eyes drifting over his ass in those pleather pants. She was tempted to dig her phone out of her corset just for a picture. She'd always thought his ass was entirely flat but the tight jeans brought out the subtle curve of so that she was tempted kneel down and take a bite out of it. She was biting her lip as she came up to stand beside him, watching him as his eyes scanned the crowd. She didn't know what he was searching for, but his eyes were in constant motion across the expanse of the room, even as she placed a hand on his arm, unable to stop herself from touching him.

His eyes narrowed on something and suddenly he was in motion, snapping his cape back in an impatient gesture and striding forward into the crowd with a single-minded focus. Penny watched him for a moment, and she wasn't the only one. He cut a fine figure as he moved through the dancers, approaching it not unlike a warrior going into battle.

She actually whimpered a bit when he pivoted, narrowing avoiding a drunk chick who tried to grab him, the cloak drifting around his long legs.

Penny hadn't expected him to be able to move through a crowd so effortlessly, had imagined elbows and awkward jerky motions as he tried to avoid touching people, but the reality was much more like a dance. She stood there watching him, unable to breath. She was in love with Sheldon, but the heat crawling along her skin from just observing him as he walked was a new sensation. Usually it happened when she watched his hands, but never to this extent. Even without the love part of the equation, she'd want him in this moment more than she'd ever wanted anyone. She felt like someone had hit her over the head with a tire iron and pointed out that this man was everything and more.

Thrum, thrum, thrum the bass echoed through her body, her heart rate accelerating along with beat. His sure movements were navigating him further and further away from her, almost out of sight, and she couldn't seem to be able to move, she was so shocked.

Penny shook her head, muttering his name under her breath with a grin and hurried after him.

The moment he stopped thinking about what he was wearing, Sheldon Cooper had become a hot piece of mancake in a pair of fake leather pants. It seemed so ridiculous, but she couldn't deny what was right in front of her face. She, Penny, was actually objectifying Dr. Cooper, and she couldn't even feel guilty about it because he had just sauntered through a room full of other women who were doing the same. One of them even attempted to stop him and was left staring in surprise as he slipped around her with complete disinterest with a snap of his cloak.

This feeling she had watching him: pride, mingled with possession, and wrapped together with bemused affection. It was a completely foreign sensation for Penny.

He entered a corridor off the side of the room he just crossed, and his destination became clear to her. She walked behind him, navigating large dancing crowds nothing new to her despite her terrifyingly high heels.

This area of the house was less crowded, but they were still surrounded by people. He paused in a corridor and her fingers drifted to tangle with his as he paused to get his bearings. Finally, Sheldon seemed to know where he was going as he continued walking, his stride quick and his hand tugging at hers. Penny trailed after him as he left the first floor, long legs flexing on the stairs. Penny gave a wolfish grin and followed, her eyes affixed to his rear end.

She was well aware of how they looked, though Sheldon seemed oblivious as he led her away from the crowd and up to the sanctity of the bedrooms. Even though she knew what the plan was, her heart started to beat rapidly and she tightened her grasp on his hand. She wasn't sure why he was still holding on to her, as there was no way she could get lost now, but his hand was dry against hers, his long, strong fingers making her feel delicate.

Penny felt as though she were on drugs. Everything he did simply heightened the sensation, and she was entirely bemused by this man who was Sheldon Cooper but wasn't.

He finally stopped in front of a large inordinate set of woodened doors carved to resemble the entrance leading to the mines of Moria from the Lord of the Rings. She wouldn't have known that if Sheldon hadn't read her one of Wheaton's blog posts where he bragged about his new Moria doors and then mentioned everything he had protected behind the seal.

Sheldon shook his head and clicked his tongue. "I would have thought that Wheaton was enough of a purist to have at least design this door as a challenge to enter. At least he has the original ithildin correct. Ennyn Durin Aran Moria: pedo mellon a minno, which roughly translates into The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria: speak, friend, and enter."

"Roughly translates from what?" Penny asked, but she already knew the answer. She really shouldn't be impressed by the easy way the foreign language fell from his lips. She had no way of knowing he had actually pronounced it right, but knowing Sheldon, he had.

"Sindarin using Tengwar characters. Easy answer – Elvish," he informed her primly. "I can assure you, the original Doors of Durin had no door knob to allow easy access to Khazad-dum, nor was there a handy lock to gain entrance." Sheldon turned and smirked at her. "Though that certainly makes it easier for us," he informed her, digging a small pouch out of his pocket.

He needlessly pushed at his sleeves, already folded up to his elbows, and his fingers dug into the pouch and extracted a thin needle-like object, deftly twirling it into position as he withdrew a second pick with his other hand and passed her the container they came in.

Penny couldn't breathe. The air stood still for a moment, and words like temporal flux were the farthest thing from her mind. Instead, once her brain rebooted, all she could think was 'guh'.

"Lock picking?" Penny asked in a reverent whisper. "Can you get any hotter right now?"

Sheldon paused. "These pants are rather uncomfortable, but I believe my core temperature could elevate if I were to spend any amount of time in the room with all the dancing people."

Penny closed her eyes, resisting the urge to knock the lock picks from his hand and press him against the stupidly carved doors and force him to kiss her. Then she realized she had her eyes closed while he was next to her picking a goddamn lock. How did he even know how to do that? She wondered, eyes flying open and her gaze intensely concentrated on his fingers.

He fiddled with the lock, one hand holding the top tool in place as his other hand swept around in a motion like one would use to open a lock with a key. The muscles in his arm flexed at the movement and Penny exhaled raggedly.

"Is spontaneous human combustion possible?" she asked him.

"Hokum," he answered succinctly, tongue restrained between his teeth as he concentrated.

Oh crap, Penny realized, she'd probably be the first person to ignite out of sexual frustration and Sheldon would be too obtuse to even understand why when he wrote a scientific paper on her death.

This was taking forever, Penny mentally whimpered. How long was he going to unwittingly torture her before getting the door open? Her self-restraint was seriously getting chipped away with every second he worked in miniscule detail to tumble the lock. Semi-hysterically she remembered thinking that Sheldon was about as dangerous as a bolo tie, but it seemed like that tie was strangling her. He was definitely dangerous. Penny was sure now more than ever that if he wanted to he could rule the world. She had seen him as a super villain before, but now she was seeing him as a high end thief and it was a million times better, if not exactly the best thing for her sanity right now.

She was thinking about wrapping his half-cloak around her arm like the ropes she had used to corral young bulls in her Junior Rodeo prime and tugging him off balance and into her. She knew just how to keep a man in place, too, once she had him in her grasp. Not even Sheldon would be able to resist, especially since he hadn't had much success in denying her up to this point. The idea was gaining more momentum in her mind, and her hand was reaching for his cloak unbiddenly, when the lock clicked open and Sheldon swept them both into the room.

The door closed behind them with a press of Sheldon's foot and suddenly they were alone. The room was already lit with numerous lights built into the various display cases. Penny wondered if Sheldon would be able to resist the collector items exhibited around the room now that he had gained entry. She was sure some of them were worth a mint to Trekkies and other collectors, and she didn't mean entirely monetary either.

His eyes immediately went towards the center of the room where the award they were looking for was on center display, no glass case detracting it from the eye. Slowly, Sheldon smiled and then laughed outright, low and delighted at his own genius. "Wil Wheaton, revenge is mine!" he cackled, his hands spread in the air to celebrate his success.

Penny grinned at him foolishly.

"You're up, Penny," he told her.

"What?" she asked, too caught up in Sheldon to really understand what he was telling her.

"We agreed that you'd be in charge of the plan at this point. Don't tell me you forgot." He responded, tone turning accusatory.

"Calm down," Penny chided. "I've got this covered." Then she looked at him, surprisingly embarrassed by what she was about to do. "Could you turn around or close your eyes."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I asked you to!" Penny sniped back sharply. "I'm sorry. Just... deniability, yeah? If asked you can say you didn't see anything happen to the award and you wouldn't have to lie." Penny was definitely getting better at misdirecting him. She didn't want to say outright 'lying' because it was the truth on one level, but the idea that she was handling him in such a way made her feel a pang of guilt.

"Okidokie," Sheldon said, turning his back.

Oh, cute. She loved it when he said things like okidokie. He had such a vast vocabulary that the folksy things always got to her.

"Truthfully," she told him, her mind deciding to come clean with him as she pulled an object from her clutch. "What I'm doing is a little embarrassing and I was trying to spare myself from having you watch." She finished taking the award off the pedestal, placing it on one of the shelves lining the room. Their purpose wasn't to steal anything, just to play a prank. Quickly, Penny replaced the award with the object she brought to put on display in its place. "Ok, I'm done."

Sheldon turned around, his eyebrows rising sharply on his forehead. "Penny!" he yelped. "That's obscene!"

"Yeah," she grinned. "I know. But think about it. Wil Wheaton's a little prick. That's a little prick," she gestured. "Wil Wheaton's a dick. That's a dick."

"I see your point," Sheldon said through gritted teeth.

"Sheldon, seriously, this is a great prank. It's really emasculating too. He has his award displayed because it is his pride and joy. The idea that it is linked to his own personal measure of his masculinity isn't completely out of the realm of possibility. It's kind of what guys do. So replacing his pride and joy with an itty bitty widdle penis is a huge slap on the face."

"Psychology," Sheldon tsked with a thoughtful expression that belied his hatred for the discipline. "That is a very tiny penis. It's about a third of the size of what I'm used to. He should be ashamed."

"Wha?" she asked in shock.

He looked entirely unconcerned at what he had hinted at, but unimpressed with her way of expressing herself. "What?" he echoed, emphasizing the correct pronunciation.

Even Penny's poor math skills knew what three times the size of the little three inch plastic ornament equalled. "You have to know what you're saying! You just... you just told me the size of your... you're being all sexy and... you're a tease!" Penny accused him, but she knew that there was a distinct possibility he didn't know what he was saying at all.

Sheldon glared at her, brow furrowed in consternation. "You aren't making any sense."

Penny threw her hands up in the air. "I know!" she exclaimed and then pointed at him. "It's your fault! You say stuff sometimes and you don't even understand what other people take from it."

"Penny, I can assure you I always understand exactly what I'm saying."

Penny laughed. She couldn't believe she was having this conversation with Sheldon inside Wil Wheaton's trophy room, which they had just broken into. "So you're saying you meant to tell me how big your ding dong is."

Sheldon looked pained. "Ding dong? Really Penny."

"Your penis! You meant to tell me the size of your penis?" She practically screamed at him.

"Well, yes. Why else would I reference it in conversation?"

"Wha?" she asked again. Oh god, she was totally going to pass out from shock. She was going to pass out, hit her head on Wil Wheaton's pedestal and die. He had to notice how agog her expression was, right? He should at least catch her in this scenario where she passed out from shock.

"Bazinga!" he exclaimed with unwarranted glee, now fully smirking.

Penny made a strangled sound in the back of her throat. Ok, he was doing this on purpose right? She gaped at him, a number of lines running through her mind, but she couldn't force any of them past her tongue. She now knew what Raj felt like, speechless in the presence of the opposite sex. Her hands were shaking from a combination of apprehension, disbelief, and yearning.

Don't think about Sheldon's penis.

"What?" Sheldon asked. "You're giving me a strange look that I cannot decipher. Would you be so kind as to enlighten me of the meaning of your expression for future reference?"

Penny shook her head in bemusement. "Now's not the time to explain to you how my mind works," she chided gently. Put it behind you, she told herself. Do not ask him to prove it was a joke.

Don't think about Sheldon's penis.

"You're right, we could be here all night."

Penny giggled. "I'm right?" she teased. "Come on, let's get out of here before we're caught."

Sheldon looked around the room, his eyes fixating on one of the shelves. "I can't leave," he exclaimed, tone indicating his stress levels were elevated.

"Sheldon," Penny warned, recognising the look. She put herself between him and Wil Wheaton's collection of Trek whatever. "If you don't leave right now, I'll have to come up with good reason for us to be in this room in the first place."

Don't think about Sheldon's penis.

"Penny! Wil Wheaton has a rare Mirror Universe Spock dagger. I can't leave without looking at it."

She was thinking about Sheldon's penis. Whoops.

It took her a moment to get back on track. Mirror dagger. Spock.

Yeah, right, like she was going to let him do that. Looking would lead to touching, and touching would lead to Sheldon's special version of the five finger discount, and there was no way she'd even catch him in the act if he tried. He was too sneaky. She wasn't going to jail because he stole some stupid knife that was really worth $3,000 or whatever.

The man had managed to undo her bra without her realizing his hand was even in the vicinity of her back. There was no way he was getting close enough to the Mirror Dagger to pull any tricks like that.

Now was the time to bring out the big guns.

Don't think about Sheldon's penis, she reminded herself.

"I've got a special treat for you if you decide to use it," she told him, pulling out a Mystic Warlords of Ka'a card, and not just any card, the Enchanted Bunny. "Think of it as a calling card of sorts. A signature to the crime you've committed. Show that nothing beats Enchanted Bunny, not as Sheldon Cooper plays it anyway."

Sheldon gingerly took the card from her, staring at it in his fingers for a moment. "Yes," he said suddenly, nodding to say it was decided. Frankly, she was surprised he wasn't lecturing her on the rules of Ka'a and all the things that did beat an Enchanted Bunny card. "I could be The Joker."

"Well?" she asked, trying not to roll her eyes and remind him he was Batman, not Joker. "Where are you going to put it?"

Yeah, it didn't even need saying at this point. Her mind was there.

Sheldon deliberated for a moment, placing it on the pedestal and then removing it and placing it on the floor. He paused for a second, assessed, and then put it back on the pedestal.

Oh for crying out loud, why had she not seen this coming? If it took him half an hour to find somewhere to sit, of course he was going to take his time finding the ideal spot to stage his prank. "Sheldon," she hissed a warning. "We need to leave."

He wandered over to the bookcase, hand judging if that would be a good location to place the card. Penny inserted herself between him and the shelving unit, remembering that she shouldn't let him near the merchandise. Sheldon had sticky fingers. Metaphorically, of course, because Sheldon would never have actual sticky fingers if he could help it.

She turned him bodily and directed him towards the pedestal, and then, even though it was risky, she opened the door to the room. Anyone walking by could see them, but she didn't think Sheldon would be motivated into moving without a huge push. He could probably spend the night in here, concerned about the unfairness of Wil Wheaton owning a life-sided TARDIS when he, Sheldon Cooper, one of the greatest minds on the planet, did not.

"Allons-y Alonzo," she said, quoting his homeboy.

Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "I didn't think you were paying attention during Voyage of the Damned." Then he saw the open doorway at her back and yelped. It worked, she managed to distract him and cause him enough apprehension that he dropped the card and scurried out the door. She was a genius in ways entirely different than Sheldon's book knowledge of all-matters-of-the-universe.

She led Sheldon down the stairs, his presence at her back reassuring. When she looked back at him, he had a big grin on his face and she couldn't help but return the sentiment. They probably looked like a couple of goofs walking around with that smug, knowing grin, but Penny thought it more likely that people would think they just had sex in one of the bedrooms.

Not that she'd ever let on to Sheldon what people tended to assume.

Speaking of people making assumptions, they met Wil Wheaton on the stairs as he lead a group of people to the second floor. There was something weird and cyborg-y covering half his face. Of course there was. Penny was almost surprised all of the guests weren't wearing Morf masks or something.

"Penny?" he asked.

Stupid her, she paused and looked at him. He was probably approaching all the blonds and asking if they were her.

"Oh hey, Penny," Wil Wheaton exclaimed. "I've been looking for you. I wasn't sure you'd show up."

"Of course," Penny said with a friendly smile. "I wouldn't miss it. I've been... around. You have a nice house, and this is one heck of a party!"

His eyes went from Sheldon and then upstairs and his mouth turned down. "I should have known."

"What?" Penny asked overly innocently, widening her eyes behind the angel mask.

"I should have known that you'd like the pretty boy model type. Pretty much the antithesis of me. The kind of guy who thinks a trekkie is a long walk and whose IQ is in the double digits, but then who needs intelligence when they have a pouty mouth like that? Let's see Blue Steel." Wil Wheaton asked sardonically, gesturing at Sheldon's face.

Penny mouth gaped and she pinched Sheldon's thigh, hard. He yelped and jumped backwards out of her reach, but didn't say a word. She had warned him before entering the party that she would handle any talking where Wil Wheaton was involved, but he had just insulted Sheldon Cooper, PhD, genius-guy, and trekkie extraordinaire in about five difference ways, and Penny wasn't sure which Sheldon took the most offense to. If she had to guess, it was the IQ barb.

"That's rich coming from someone wearing a Locutus mask to a masquerade," Sheldon drawled, his Texan accent full-twang and his voice deliberately low and gruff. He sounded... well, besides sounding incredibly sexy and unlike himself, he also sounded derisive.

Wow, Penny mouthed. So it was the Trek slur Sheldon took the most offense to. She wished he would have heeded her warning and kept his mouth shut, because 1. Now he had Wil Wheaton's full attention, and 2. Good Golly, Good Grief, Good God, Holy Fucking Shit, she wanted him. For a moment Penny thought Wil Wheaton (still one name – when she had explained it to Sheldon, he had been confused as to how a polynym could be a mononym. She didn't have an answer) was going to challenge Sheldon to some kind of Trek Trivia faceoff, but instead he just wrinkled his nose as if there was a bad smell in the air and turned back to Penny.

"I'm about to show the boys my award room. Would you like to come?"

"No," Penny said, at the same time Sheldon said, "yes." She reached back and poked him in the same approximate place she pinched him. Since he apparently bruised easily, she hoped it hurt enough to convey her warning. Of course, she'd never seen any proof he bruised easily, just like she'd never witnessed proof he was asthmatic. She just took his word that he wouldn't lie about it.

There was a possibility Sheldon was just a big ol' hypochondriac though.

"I don't mean to brag," Wil Wheaton continued, "but I think you'll be very impressed. At the center of the room is my most prized possession, the thing that gives me the greatest pleasure, and I'd really like to show it off to a beautiful woman."

Bwahahaha, Penny's mind immediately went, and she struggled to school her expression into one of mild interest. "Oh?" she asked, swatting backwards at Sheldon, because darn him, he was snickering. She hadn't even thought Sheldon could get juvenile penis jokes, but there he was, vibrating at her back.

"Don't let the size fool you," Wil Wheaton boasted. "It's a very prestigious endowment to celebrate my skills in the trade."

Oh God, don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, Penny chanted in her mind, digging her fingernails into her palms. The pain helped ground her a bit, but it also turned her smile slightly brittle around the corners. She was an actress, damn it, but this was shaping up to be almost too much. She could see the prank unfolding before her eyes, she and Sheldon walking into the award room behind Wil Wheaton and seeing the penis on the pedestal, and she would say 'you work in pornography?' or simply slap him.

"Sorry, I'm not really interested" she said with an apologetic grin and a shrug. "We need to be getting home."

"Oh," Wil Wheaton said, actually sounding disappointed despite the fact there were numerous lovely women at his party. She wondered if he'd hired them all or something. Penny also felt slightly bad. The way his face fell reminded her of Leonard's reaction the last time she turned him down for a date.

"Have a good evening!" Penny chirped, dragging Sheldon down the stairs. Wil Wheaton had no choice but to continue up to his award room, despite the fact that his entourage had just witnessed him getting turned down. She drew to a halt at the bottom of the stairs, unable to keep from snickering wildly. "Prestigious endowment!" she cackled, her head resting against Sheldon's bicep. Her mask kept getting in the way and she ripped it off her face instead of moving from against him. The silk ribbon got tangled in her hair, and Sheldon plucked it free for her, his gaze barely wavering from the staircase. "That was the best, wasn't that the best?"

Sheldon didn't answer her rhetorical question. He had his head cocked, and his eyes were intent on the stairs. A small smile graced his (pouty) mouth. "I hate that man. He was objectifying you with his eyes, on top of all previous grievances."

"The horror," Penny winked and she dragged Sheldon through the kitchen and out through a side door. There were a number of people milling around, smoking and chatting in the cool air. It was quieter out here without the noise of the crowd or the overt sound of music thrumming in her ears.

Nothing, not even the shrieking tones of Ke$ha, could cover the next sound.

"!" Wil Wheaton raged, the scream carrying from upstairs.

Sheldon paused, inhaling sharply through his nose. Then he did an excited little hop that had her grinning foolishly at him.

Penny looked at him, about to tell him they had to leave in case Wil Wheaton put together two and two and realized who he was. "We should vamoo—" she cut off as Sheldon tugged sharply on her hand and his mouth descended onto hers.

Sheldon was kissing her and Penny's brain was frying, wires sizzling under the implications of Sheldon Cooper kissing her, willingly initiating the contact without any encouragement. At first, his mouth simply pressed against hers, but then he was impatiently and insistently pushing forward, mouth moving against her lips. Her toes curled in her high heels, her bare legs brushed against the hard faux-leather of his ridiculous, but sexy pants. There was heat wafting off his legs, his long fingers curling around her naked shoulders shooting pleasure through her brain, soothing the shock.

His plastic mask felt strange and foreign against her cheek, but the hand slowly trailing down her back to press against the base of her spine so he could draw her closer was becoming familiar.

It was his mouth, though, that was astonishing. It had always been her in control, but he was stroking his tongue against hers, confidently navigating through all the tricks she'd subtly initiated into his repertoire over the last few months. It was amazing. He was amazing.

His teeth nipped at her bottom lip and she pushed her hips flush against his. He merely tightened his grip on her so she couldn't move away and continued kissing her until neither could catch their breath. His thigh was pressed between hers, keeping her upright, and the world was spinning.

"Penny," Sheldon murmured. "Thank you for this opportunity."

At first her poor addled brain thought he meant the opportunity to kiss her, but then she realized he had been so overjoyed at Wil Wheaton's reaction to the prank and the part she played in it, that he had kissed her. That's what he was thanking her for, and wow, what a show of gratitude.

They stood there, his forehead pressed against hers – or at least the plastic mask where his forehead was – and one hand pressed against the curvature of her spine and the other tangled in her hair, permanently dislodging the updo she had painstakingly and neatly arranged. Their breath was mingled, and Penny couldn't see anything but the blues of his eyes, complex and mysterious in the dim light.

She loved him, but she'd never really allowed herself to hope for this, despite the fact it was on her list of goals. She thought, when she first realized she had feelings for him, it would be a million times easier to invent a time machine to travel back to the day they met and warn herself to run away than it would be to love him unrequitedly. She hadn't expected him to show steps towards being interested in their blossoming romance so soon. Or ever.

Sheldon Cooper was falling in love with her, she was almost sure of it.

Penny grinned softly, just a small curve of her lips as she pressed her mouth against Sheldon's again. Her stilettos put her closer to his level, and he was already leaning slightly to accommodate her.

She pulled away quickly, yet reluctantly. "We should leave," she told him, lacing her fingers through his. She was almost sure now that he wouldn't mind the contact. If asked, Penny wouldn't be able to explain why she knew everything had changed, but she had felt the shift, not in the moment he kissed her, but in the moment he kept kissing her beyond the heady impulsiveness brought on by victory against his enemy. She felt it in the way he had held her afterwards, not moving his face away from hers.

Her heart was soaring, and there was a thrill travelling up her spine.

It wasn't until she reached the car that she realized she was going to have to tell him. She couldn't go any further when the first steps to their relationship had been based in a lie. At the time she thought she'd be able to deal with it, because she couldn't see any other way to coax Sheldon into a relationship, but she could see it would be a guilty albatross hanging around her neck if this progressed beyond where they were now.

"I have a confession to make," she told him, unable to look at him directly. She waited until he was settled in the car, his seatbelt one more added barrier hindering a quick escape. "I wouldn't be surprised if you hated me afterwards."

"Okay," he answered uncertainly, turning his knees away from her so that his body was no longer facing in her direction, but his eyes were appraising her. They were blue and beguiling, eyes which had trusted her in the past and Penny winced.

"I lied."

"When you said you loved me?" he asked, face closing off to her. His expression went stony, eyes flat and deadened.

Penny's heart leapt in her throat and choked her, making it impossible for her to speak for a moment. "What? No? How could you think...? No. No, that wasn't a lie, of course that wasn't a lie. Please Sheldon, believe me." She inhaled rapidly, the rush of air sounding shaky and frantic even to her own ears as she reached for his hand. "I could never lie to you about that. I do love you, but I made a mistake. I thought that if I told you that Leonard thought you weren't clever enough to prank him that you and I would be able to spend time together, and maybe I'd be able to find opportunities to kiss you." She blushed at this, actually blushed at the thought that she had succeeded on that account. "I was going to tell you earlier, I swear it. I convinced myself not to go through with it, that I'd let our relationship progress naturally no matter how long it took, even if nothing ever happened. But you seemed to be so into playing pranks that I didn't want to let go."

"Oh, is that all?" Sheldon asked, shoulders relaxing. "I knew."

"You knew?" Penny echoed incredulously.

"Leonard is terrified of me and had expressed the sentiment just the day before. Judging by the nervous veneer of sweat emerging from his pores, I judged him to be quite serious. Of course in retrospect he could have accidentally ingested lactose."

"You knew?" Penny repeated. "Then why did you go along with me?"

"Curiosity of course," he responded with a shrug. "At first I wanted to discover your true purpose and I saw no reason not to take you up on your offer. Then I found myself caught up in the campaign."

"Still," she said in a tight voice, not sure how she liked being played in return. "I lied to you and I'm sorry."

"What was your purpose? Surely it couldn't have been actively finding ways to kiss me."

"You weren't complaining," she pointed out, gratified to see him smirk at her. "I thought it would give us time together, working on a single goal. Maybe you'd start to appreciate having me in your life."

Sheldon fell silent and turned to face the front. After she stared at him expectantly for a moment, he gestured to the steering wheel. "I'm finished with this conversation, unless you have more to confess, in which case, we may continue this discourse on the way home. If that proves too difficult, I can give you approximately thirteen minutes of my time once we reach the apartment, barring unforeseeable traffic incidences."

"You're all heart, Sheldon," she said sardonically as she started the car. "Usually, in circumstances like this, the gentleman says something enlightening and encouraging to the lady so she has hope that maybe he also likes her, or at least doesn't resent her for making out with him in multiple places, including his coworker's office, his friend's coat closet, and the backyard of his most hated enemy."

"Non-optional social convention?" Sheldon asked, tone high and confused.

She was feeling blindsided enough by his confession that she felt the need to pursue this despite the fact she felt it wasn't going to end well. "Non-optional relationship convention," she informed him crisply.

"Relationship!" Sheldon yelped, fingers clutching the armrest for a reason that didn't have to do with her driving for once.

"What did you think this was, Sheldon?" When he didn't answer, she took pity on him. "Lemme ask you this. Why did you kiss me? That first time in your apartment. Surely you knew I did it because I was angry and frustrated, but you changed the tone of the kiss on your own."

"You were hurting my teeth."

"You could have pulled away!" She snapped. "But you didn't, you kissed me! I can't understand why you let me, why you always let me. And 'let' doesn't even cover it. You could let me kiss you by standing completely still, but you participate. Why?"

"You love me," he stated unequivocally. "Why?"

"Because you're you," Penny answered automatically. Oh, well there it was. She had her answer, her romantic moment, even if it took a while to decode Sheldon's meaning. She'd actually kind of known all along. "When we get home I'm going to kiss you again. Fair warning."

"If you must," he answered, crossing his arms over his chest. "I can spare twenty minutes."

"Oh wow, an extra seven minutes sacrificed from your sleep just for me?" she teased.

"Hardly," he sniffed. "I forgot to take into account that you drive like a banshee straight from the Special Hell."

Penny snickered. He forgot? Riiight. "Half an hour, and I'll let you put your hands under my skirt when you grope my butt." Sheldon definitely had a thing for it, and she had definitely noticed.

Of course, that didn't make it a smart thing to say to Sheldon Cooper, the guy who didn't realize he was in a relationship and who kind of hated physical contact except for when his hands were actually groping her butt.

He froze, getting a deer-in-headlights look, which was actually exacerbated by the real headlights of passing cars. He had to clear his throat three times before answering, which was frankly quite adorable. "Twenty five," he bargained. "Take it or leave it."

She took it. He had her out of her dress by ten. She forgot to count after thirteen, and she wasn't sure Sheldon cared anymore around the fifteen minute mark when she slipped her hand into his pants to see if he had been telling the truth earlier.

And that, well, a girl doesn't kiss and tell. Especially when she has nothing to complain about.

x.x.x.

Penny awoke the next morning with Sheldon's hand resting on her butt – well, lower back – which was both adorable and surprising considering the way he usually slept, and shockingly masculine for someone like Sheldon who downright eschewed sex. She hadn't even known he could be possessive, or sleep like a normal person, before last night. But there he was, sleeping on his stomach with one leg tangled in hers and his breath tickling her hair across her back.

As it turned out the key to his deal was kept in her ass. She wasn't sure whether she should laugh at that or not, but she figured she had her own thing for his hands, so it worked out rather well for them.

For the first time in a long while Penny found herself waking up next to a man without a sick feeling of despair in her stomach. Of course, she'd stopped dating four months ago when she realized she was in love with him, but before that there had been a string of regrets. Smiling softly, she toyed with the short strands of hair on his head, tuffs sticking up in complete disregard for any kind of follicular order.

She was overwhelmed by the feeling of peace that overcame her, emotions swelling up beneath her breast at the sensation of rightness, of everything falling into place for the first time in her life. She hadn't thought it was possibly to love Sheldon any more than she already did, but each new day seemed determined to prove her wrong.

Slowly, she eased on her side, realizing that his sleeping position wasn't so strange after all. His body was simply mimicking how she usually slept, limbs all akimbo in what she referred to as the starfish pose. She couldn't take her eyes off him, his cheeks slightly puffed and face relaxed as he breathed. He was clad in the spare pyjamas she had bought him and hid in the bottom drawer of her dresser, long before the concept of romantic love even entered the equation. Penny pressed her hand against his back, her mind anticipating seduction, but her heart content just the feel the rhythm of his breathing.

He cracked an eye open.

"Hey," she breathed.

"Good morning Penny," he returned, flexing his shoulders beneath her palm. "Good lord, woman, what have you done to force me to sleep in such an unnatural position? My lumbar health will be in question all day."

Penny giggled. "And here I thought I sexed the crazy out of you." She emphasized the fact she was joking by tapping his nose. Her finger dragged over his bottom lip. She rolled onto her back and shot him an overly coy look. "I could try again."

"Have you brushed your teeth?"

"Have you brushed yours?" she countered wriggling.

"Halitosis is patently unsexy, Penny. I might consider 'sexing you up' if you brush your teeth."

Penny was out of bed like a shot, able to hear the sound of his laughter as she spread toothpaste on her brush. "You too buddy," she said, tossing him a new toothbrush still in the packaging. The words came out sounding more like 'oo who huddy'. "I'll go rinse in the kitchen sink."

She was standing in the kitchen frantically scrubbing her toothbrush across her teeth, wondering if he'd inspect her handiwork with his tongue, when a knock pounded at her door.

"Hello Leonard," she said, toothbrush hanging out the side of her mouth.

"I've lost Sheldon!" Leonard wailed.

"I'm right here," Sheldon said from behind her. "And really, Leonard. What kind of preposterous statement is that? I cannot be lost when..."

"I knew it!" Leonard shouted in delight, interrupting Sheldon and causing Penny to jar her toothbrush against the roof of her mouth. "I knew you and Penny were sleeping together. You can't fool me, buddy. I saw right through you."

"Also preposterous," Sheldon commented. "Penny and I only introduced a sexual component to our relationship last night. In fact, we are overdue to iterate the experience and you are interrupting. Goodbye Leonard."

He slammed the door impatiently and had her up against it a moment later.

The End.

x.x.x.x.x.

A/N: Thank you for reading. I love reviews, feedback, or just receiving PMs that say hi. As promised, there is a sex scene for this chapter that can be found following the links in my profile. Talitha Koum also created a wonderful image based on the scene on the dance floor. They should be easily accessible through my profile.

I will be posting chapter one of Apocalypse Week next week.

SpaceAnJL: Thank you for the image of Sheldon in a cape. I've never been able to get it out of my head. If anyone wants to read more Sheldon-cape goodness, check out her The Paladin Protocol. It's epic win.