Title: Suckin' Some "D" on the U.S.S. Enter-Me

A/N: This story is based off of my own sexual experiences.

Pairing: JimxSpock

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. ;)

oOo

Spock's eyes were wide.

This website was interesting…

He had never seen any of the things on it in his entire life.

He had been researching STDs when all of a sudden, a giant blue picture appeared.

On closer inspection, he realized it was female genitalia horribly disfigured.

AND I MEAN, HORRIBLY DISFIGURED.

He was curious. Bi-curious. (Lol)

He clicked on it.

He wanted to know why it was so blue. So many different colors of blue. Sky blue, ocean blue, the blue of my uniform, and the blue of Jim's eyes. Sweet, sweet Jim…

Wait…Why was he thinking about the Captain like that?

Back to the matter at hand, he clicked on the blue female genitalia.

It took him through cyberspace to a…very interesting website.

He continued to click the given links. Only $19.95 for a whole year of the not free videos, what a good deal.

Spock knew he couldn't afford it though. He was poor as shit, because he bought so much hair gel.

He didn't even use it. His hair was naturally plastered to his head. The only thing he needed to worry about was trimming his huge-ass eyebrows. He had broken many a tweezers by trying to pluck those hairs. Only trimming seemed to work now.

So yeah, poor as shit. Now back to the topic at hand, once more.

After watching many free videos and getting many a viruses, did he finally notice he had a gigantic rager.

'I need to take care of this.' He thought.

'But how?'

A sudden idea flickered through his blue-waffle-cluttered mind.

Jim could certainly help him with this dilemma.

After all, Spock was his subordinate. Captains had to take care of their crew, didn't they?

'Yes, that is what I'll do. That seems logical enough for me.'

Because we all do know, Spock was logical as fuck.

He hurriedly walked to Jim's sleeping quarters, getting many a stares.

They didn't seem to be looking at his face though.

Spock was sure they were looking at his erection.

It wasn't that big, was it?

He did hit a couple of people with it, but that's because they weren't watching where they were going.

And everyone got them, didn't they?

So why did they care?

He didn't care anymore.

He was at Jim's door. That was all he cared about.

"Captain?" Spock lightly knocked on the door.

"Yes? Spock?" Jim said from within.

"May I come in, Captain?" Spock asked, growing increasingly uncomfortable standing outside in the hallway with his raging boner. It was so hard, his uniform couldn't accommodate it.

His uniform was tearing! His penis was so sharp and hard..and stuff.

Jim opened the door and didn't glance down. He just smiled at Spock and walked back into the room sitting at his desk.

He seemed to be writing an email.

"Captain?" Spock walked over and stood close to the captain.

His penis had already ripped through his uniform and stuck straight out.

Jim didn't even notice. He was too busy writing the email or that's what it looked like.

On closer inspection, it seemed that the Captain was writing in his diary.

He read a snippet:

'Dear Diary,

Today, I went to the bridge. Like I do everyday, but something was different. It smelled like hair gel. Why did it smell like that? It was the brand I use as well. It was situated at Spock's desk, but the smell was coming from somewhere else. Where was it coming from? It seemed as if it was coming from Sulu's desk. Why would it be coming from his desk? I looked under. OMFG, they were having sex under there! Who, you ask? Sulu and Chekov! It was cute, but one of them was under age. God, why did you have to make older men fall in love with little boys? Chekov is only 17, God and diary. WHYYYY?...'

He stopped reading.

Disturbing….That was only word to describe such a journal entry. And it wasn't even a journal, it was a fucking diary. Like…what the hell?

Any who, back to the predicament…

"Jim. Look at me when I talk to you."

Jim turned. "Le gasp!" He exclaimed when he saw Spock's 17.1" cock.

"Do you need some help with that?" He laughed. "You know, a captain always helps his subordinates, right?"

"Exactly what I was thinking, Captain." Spock said.

"Please call me Jim." Jim said, laughing.

"Okay, then you can call me Spock."

"Okay, Spick."

"Um..no. It's Spock."

"Yeah, Spick."

"No…Spawwwwk. Like cock. Spock." Spock was starting to get very frustrated.

"Yes, that's what I said. Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick." Jim said, imitating Spock.

"Haahh…" Spock sighed. "You know what? Spick's fine." Spock didn't even care anymore.

"Okay, Spock. Whatever you say." Jim looked down at Spock's still raging wiener. It was turning the color of a row of evergreen ferns. Really green.

'What a beautiful saying.' Jim thought. 'I'll have to add that to my diary later.'

"That thing looks like it's going to fall off any second now. Let me take care of it." Jim swiftly grabbed Spock's hotdog.

Boy, was it hot.

No seriously….IT WAS FUCKING HOT.

It made boils appear on his skin.

He quickly ran to his medical aid kit and got out some mittens he used to bake cookies.

But no one liked his cookies, because the last he had made cookies, Ugghura (Sp change, on purpose…CAUSE DAMMMM SHHE UGGLY.) had gotten diarrhea and shit up a storm on the bridge. After that, he never used his cute mittens again. He had felt sad. They had even had little pictures of kittens on fire on them. He liked when kittens spontaneously combusted.

Whatevaa, he put them on and ran back to Spock, burying his face in the darker-haired man's pubes.

"Yummy." He moaned, feeling his skin being ripped off from Spock's wiry pubic hair.

His face was on fire. Vulcan's were known to bathe their pubes in wasabi and cinnamon.

But for some reason, Spock's pubes also smelled like hair gel. His brand of hair gel. What the fuck was up with Spock and his hair gel?

Spock gripped Jim's hair and pulled, ripping some chunks in the process.

The blond didn't seem to mind though. He was too busy licking the green head of Spock's evergreen penis.

"Hurry the fuck up and pleasure me, bitch." He said, remembering a guy saying that to a woman on one of his blue waffle sites.

"Ohhh, yes. Spock!" Jim moaned, burying his face in Spock's skirt of pubes.

It was a skirt, indeed. It wrapped all the way around his body, shading his buttocks and his wiener from any unneeded UV rays. Every time he moved, you could smell the wasabi, cinnamon, and hair gel. It would surround him. He loved it.

And Jim seemed to be enjoying it too.

He seemed to have a mouthful, taking turns sucking Spock and chewing on his pubes.

Spock lifted some up. He was dead pale under there. Maybe he should trim it a little. It was like a hula skirt now. Not like when he'd been in college and it had been the size of a hooker's skirt.

Which was very short, if you didn't know any hookers.

Spock moaned as Jim sucked harder and chewed faster.

"More..Jim!" He could feel the heat in his stomach steadily growing and he knew his orgasm was coming soon.

"Mmmm…" Jim hummed, his mouth currently filled with Spock's green penis.

Jim liked green. It was his favorite color. He stared at Spock's penis in his mouth. He could feel his eyes crossing.

"Jim, faster.." Spock groaned, starting to thrust into Jim's mouth.

Jim could feel Spock's 17.1" cock hitting his lungs.

He could hardly breathe, but he didn't mind. He loved the feel of Spock's evergreen penis in his throat.

"Ahhh!" Spock came.

It was like molten lava burning his insides.

Jim started to cough, shooting cum out of his throat like a fountain.

"Woah there.." Spock looked at Jim coughing feeling a little bad.

He hadn't warned him that Vulcan's came a lot and that their cum was like molten lava.

Whatevaa…

Jim collapsed on the floor breathing hard.

He had coughed all the cum out and now he was outrageously turned on.

"I need you in me, Spock." Jim moaned, crawling over to Spock.

"Okay. But there's one thing we need to do first.." Spock looked away.

"What is it?" Jim asked.

"Oh…well, it's easier if I show you, then explain."

"Um….alright, I guess?" Jim shrugged.

"Good. Now lay down and show put your arms and legs out behind your back." Spock smiled.

"Sure….?" Jim did exactly as Spock had instructed. He felt Spock wrapping something wiry around his arms and legs.

What the fuck? It was his pubes!

"It's mandatory in my culture that before two people perform the anal sex, the dominant one has to tie the submissive one with his pubes. Then, he has to drag him around in public. By accomplishing and doing this, it shows he is strong enough to support the submissive one and that ANY OTHA FUCKIN NIGGA THAT TRIES TO TAKE HIS NIGGA BITCH WILL GET A CAP IN HIS AZZ, or however you say it in your language." Spock said, still tying Jim up.

"Wow…you have a very fucked up culture, don't you?" Jim said, laughing.

"Yes, we do. It is what makes us who we are though. So..are you ready?" Spock asked, the tied up Jim.

"Yeah, I guess so." Jim said, shrugging his shoulders a bit.

"Oh…one more thing. I have to screech like a pterodactyl. Will that offend you in any way?"

"No, why the fuck would it?" Jim asked, clearly perplexed.

"Okay…Here we go! Initiating PUBE RUN!" Spock opened the door and started running down the hall, dragging poor Jim behind him.

"KAAAAKAAAWWWWWW! COOCKKKAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THIS BE MY NIGGA BITCHEZZZZ!" Spock screeched at the top of his lungs.

"Omg, what the fuck is that?" Jim could hear people screaming as they tried to get out of the way.

"Holy shit!" "It's always Spock, isn't it?" "That's so hot…" Wait, who the fuck had said that?

Oh, Scotty. He had always been a sick dude thanks to spending those years cooped up in that ice building, or whatever the fuck it was in the middle of nowhere. The only companion he had had was that ugly ass alien who was like 3 feet tall or some shit.

"What is going on here?" Jim heard Ugghura following them.

"None of your business, bitch!" Jim screamed over Spock's screeching.

"It is my business! I'm a part of this ship and you are creeping the fuck out of the people on it! So yeah, it is my fucking business!"

Suddenly, Spock changed direction.

He was speeding back to Jim's room.

"Oh, thank fucking God!" Jim said when they reached his room and were safely inside it.

"So were you turned on by my display?" Spock started to untie Jim.

"Um….yeaahhh….Totally." Jim lied. Seriously, it had scared the fucking shit out of him.

But whatevaa….

"Spock, I still want you in me." Jim said, looking at Spock's gigantic cock still hanging out of his uniform.

"I know, Jim." Spock started to take off his shirt. As he took it off, a mountain of hair tumbled out.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" Jim screamed.

"Oh this? This is my friend. His name is Pauly D. His name is 'The Ordeal'. Not so much 'The Situation' but still pretty big." Spock said, taking out the raccoon from his chest hair.

He patted on the head and then threw it out the door.

"Fly freee!" He said. He watched the raccoon scrabbling to get back in.

He turned back to Jim, his skirt of pubes rustling with his movement.

"I need to shave that thing." Jim said, staring at the skirt with wide eyes.

There was a hissing heard from the depths within Spock's chest hair.

"Oh shut up, Mr. Chinchilla." Spock dug in his hair and pulled out a white puffball.

It hissed and shook.

"You've gotten fat." Spock tsked, and threw the puff out into the hall too.

"Do animals normally live in there?" Jim asked, bewildered.

"Yeah, all the time. I let them live in my hair because they scratch me when I'm itchy and they eat the bugs." Spock shrugged.

"W-what?...Bugs?" Jim stared.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Yeah, you don't think I can have a skirt of pubes and a mountain of chest hair this big without having bugs, do you?"

"Um…yeah…Riight. Nevermind." Jim went over to his desk and took out his electric razor.

"What do you think you're doing?" Spock stared at the device with wide eyes.

"I'm going to shave all that shit off." Jim advanced on Spock.

"No, my animal friends live in there!" Spock tried to get away but Jim quickly pulled a pair of handcuffs out of his anal cavity and handcuffed Spock to the bed.

He couldn't do anything now.

Jim started to shave…and shave…..and shave…and FUCKING SHAVE.

There was so much hair that Jim could have stuffed a whole mattress….or three.

But when he finished, Spock lay smooth as a baby's butt in front of him.

"You forgot this spot." Spock opened his legs.

(Due to some of the younger audiences that are probably reading this, we are not allowed to describe to you what was in between Spock's legs. We hope you understand. Thank you.)

….

FUCK THAT. We're going to tell you anyways, BITCHES! ;)

So yeah, he opened his legs.

Jim screamed as a giant tarantula crawled from the comfortable, warm space between Spock's dick and his balls.

His cooch, in other words.

The spider darted under his bed.

"You know what?...I'm not even going to ask." Jim shook his head and continued to shave.

…..And shave.

And shave….

Yeah…

An hour later, Spock was PERFECTLY HAIRLESS and spread eagle on his bed. Jim took off the handcuffs and threw them onto the bed.

"You look so much sexier without all that hair…and animal feces." Jim whispered in Spock's ear.

"You look sexy….no matter what…." Spock tried to give back the compliment, and totally failed.

But Jim smiled anyways.

"Just to let you know, I just watched some really kinky videos." Spock said, wrapping his arms around Jim.

"Yeah, and?" Jim asked.

"Now, I'm into some kinky shit." Spock whispered into Jim's ear.

"Oh…Okay."

Spock bit Jim's ear off.

"OWWWWW! WHAT THE FUCK?" Jim screamed.

"Heeh heeh. I saw that on one of the videos. That didn't feel good?" Spock asked, worry tinging his voice.

"FUCK NO, IT DIDN'T!" Jim shouted slapping Spock in the face.

"." Spock cried out.

"Spock! I'm sorry!" Jim hugged Spock, getting blood everywhere. He should have been going to get a doctor but with Spock's hot, not hairy (Thank God), nude body right there, he wasn't really thinking straight.

"Whatevvaaaa." Spock started to get up, and hit Jim with his gigantic cock.

"Holy shit, that thing is hard as a rock!" Jim rubbed his head. The one on top of his shoulders, you perverts.

"Yeah, so?" Spock said, taking a lamp in his hand.

Jim looked at the lamp. "Um, what are you going to d-.." Spock hit him over the head with it.

"YOU TALK TOO MUCH NIGGA!"

oOo

When Jim came to, he was upside down.

He was tied to the ceiling with Spock's nasty pubes.

He struggled in his bindings, trying to get out. It was no use though.

He heard some chuckling. The lights turned off.

He could smell hair gel.

"Spock? What the fuck? Let me out!" Jim shouted into the dark.

"Eww, you spit in my face." Spock said. "I'M GOING TO MESS YOU UP, NIGGA!"

Jim felt Spock rip out one of his eyelashes.

"WHAT THE FUCK?...I didn't even get to make a wish." Jim sniffled.

"WHATEVVAAA." Spock said.

Jim felt Spock's dick in his butt.

"OH YEAH, YOU'RE SO FUCKING TIGHT, NIGGA."

" Shut up!" Jim shouted.

"Mm." Spock thrusted once.

He came.

Jim came.

~The end.~

oOo

Yay! Another crack/parody fic by me. Hope you liked it!~ ;D