If You Were Gay

(Or 'How Not to Come Out.')

Disclaimer: I'm sure it's obvious that I own nothing, or I would be making money out of it, not publishing it here.

A/N: This is for all the people who told me how much they loved Louis when I wrote him in Choices, and Amy is rockin, who agrees with me that there are not nearly enough Louis fics out there.

As you might have gathered from that, this is a piece about the same characters and universe that I write about in all my other stories. Just another little snippet of the timeline. It's quite random - just more background work on the characters I write in my multi-chapter stories really. Probably best to think of it as a single chapter from a story that's never going to be written.

The title comes from the Avenue Q song, which first inspired this idea, but this isn't a song fic - the plot digresses a lot from the song in the musical! But if you're familiar with Avenue Q, you'll hopefully see how it inspired this.

Enjoy!

"I don't get it."

"For Merlin's sake, give it a rest, Jamie!"

James Sirius Potter scowled at his cousin and best friend.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong."

Louis Weasley sighed. Sometimes, James' persistence was endearing. Right now, it was just annoying.

"There's nothing wrong, James. How many times do I have to say it?"

"Enough that it's getting old for the rest of us," Fenella Belby did not look up from her book as she spoke, and turned a page, "Just drop it, will you, Jamie? If he doesn't want to tell us, he doesn't want to tell us."

"Bloody hell!" the blonde boy exploded, "There's nothing to tell! What's the matter with you all?"

James, Fenella, and the other two members of their group, Adam and Annabel Carson, exchanged glances. James opened his mouth to speak, but got an elbow in the ribs from Annabel, and closed it again with another scowl.

"Fine. Be like that, Lou. But I'll get it out of you sooner or later."

"Emilia is waiting for you," Louis said pointedly, looking over at the brown-haired girl who played Chaser for Gryffindor alongside James, and was the latest in his long line of 'girlfriends,' who rarely lasted beyond a week or two.

This one had drawn down the wrath of their cousin Rose, who was one of Emilia's best friends, and had been heard to utter dire threats of what she would do to James if he hurt her. As far as Louis could see, this had made no difference to James' behaviour at all. To him, the girls were a pleasant distraction, that was all, and Emilia Brooke was no exception, Rose's friend or not. If Emilia was remotely serious about it, she would get hurt; it was inevitable.

James got up with a grin, obviously deciding that spending some quality time in the Room of Requirement with Emilia beat arguing with Louis. He thumped his cousin on the shoulder as he passed.

"You need to get yourself a girlfriend, Lou. That would soon sort you out."

Louis winced as his cousin walked away, but not from the thump on the shoulder, which he was perfectly used to. It wasn't that there weren't girls who wanted to go out with him. It was frightening, really. Louis often wished he didn't have Veela blood running in his veins. It was quite diluted, of course, but physically he took after his mother. He had her fair hair, her bright blue eyes, her slender build, and a slightly more masculine version of her beauty. There were as many girls who gave him doe-eyed looks as there were James.

But while James Potter liked nothing better than to flirt with six girls at once, it simply made Louis squirm with embarrassment. He hadn't had a girlfriend since that Hufflepuff girl in third year, whom he had gone out with simply to stop James bothering him about his lack of a love life. It hadn't gone well.

He glanced up, and met Fenella's eyes. She said nothing, but her expression was eloquent, and he knew what she was thinking.

You have to tell him.

Louis sighed. He knew. He'd been trying to find a way to do it for ages, but it wasn't easy. He wanted to do it right. Pick the right moment. The right words. Break it gently. That was the way to do it. Carefully.

"Fenella," James said suddenly, looking up from the essay he was pretending to write.

"Hm?" Fenella, who was reading through her own essay, looked up.

"I was thinking…"

"Oh, shall I owl the Daily Prophet?" she asked.

"Shut up," he scowled at her, "I'm serious. I was thinking about Louis… and how weird he's been recently."

"Oh… okay," she said, a wary expression coming into her eyes.

"And some of things he's said… and the way he is sometimes… Fen, d'you think Louis might be… gay?"

"I think you should probably talk to him about this, James," she said.

"Yeah… but I don't want to just ask him. I mean, what if he's not?"

Fenella was silent for a moment. James was not the most tactful person in the world.

"Will it bother you?" she asked, at last, "If he is, I mean?"

"No!" said James, a little too quickly. She raised an eyebrow at him.

He went a little bit red.

"Honestly!" he insisted, "It wouldn't! I mean… it'd be a bit weird… but it wouldn't bother me, bother me. At least, not much."

She sighed.

"It wouldn't make any difference to you two."

"I know it wouldn't. I'd be fine with it. I just wish he'd tell me."

"Well, like I say. You should talk to him."

"Yeah… maybe I will…"

"But James… be tactful about it, okay? I mean, he's obviously feeling a bit unsure about it all. So don't just go charging in there, will you?"

He leaned forward and patted her arm patronisingly.

"Trust me, Fenella."

Funnily enough, she didn't find that very reassuring.

"Hey, Lou…?"
The blonde-haired boy glared at his friend.

"This is your fault, Jamie."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," James waved aside the fact that the two of them were currently engaged in scrubbing off the yellow, scummy grease that had exploded all over the Potions classroom as the result of James' latest idea of a joke, "There was something I wanted to talk to you about."

There was silence for a moment.

"Okay then," Louis said at last, in exasperated tones, "Go on. Talk to me. I'm listening."

"Did you know Mellors and Hamilton were going out?"

"No," Louis began scrubbing a new patch of grease, "Why should I care?"

"Well, you know… they're both guys…"

"I know they're both guys," Louis snapped, "Why should that mean I care? I barely know either of them."

"Well, I think it's pretty cool," James said airily, sitting back on his heels. Louis stopped scrubbing and stared at the other boy.

"Cool?"

"Yeah..." James looked as though he were floundering for a moment, but then recovered, "I mean, that they're open about it and everything. I guess it couldn't have been easy for them, telling their friends."

"Where's this conversation even going, Jamie?"

"Nowhere. I mean, yes, it is going somewhere. I just wanted you to know that I think it's cool. I'm mean, I'm completely fine with it, and everything. It doesn't make me uncomfortable or anything."

"James, can you just shut up and help me here? You haven't even touched your bit of floor."

"Yeah, yeah, sure. But seriously, Lou, if one of my friends told me they were gay, I'd be completely fine with it. I'd be really happy for them, you know?"

"Can we just stop this conversation now, Jamie? It's getting weird, mate."

"Okay, okay. I just wanted you to know..."

"Yeah, I get the point! Just shut up and scrub, will you?"

For a few moments, there was silence, then James stopped work again and looked sideways at the other boy.

"Louis... are you gay?"

"What?" Louis stared at his cousin, "What the hell, James...?"

"Because if you were, that'd be cool, you know. I mean, I wouldn't mind..."

"Good to know," Louis snapped, "Thanks, James. Now can we stop talking about this please?"

"Yeah, sure," James nodded vigourously, "But... are you?"

"What d'you mean, you told him you were straight?" Fenella stared at her friend, "Louis, are you completely stupid? He gave you an opening himself, and you told him you weren't gay?"

"Well, what would you have done? He's there, trying to be subtle about it, and going on and on about how it would be fine if one of his friends was gay, only he was obviously lying! And then he came straight out with it, and I just panicked! I mean... it's James! He's just about the straightest guy you'd ever meet, and it was pretty obvious it would bother him, whatever he said. And it was just the stupidest time and place to be having a conversation like that. I mean, what was I supposed to say? 'Yes, Jamie, I am gay. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but shall we finish scrubbing your potion off the floor now?'"

"Something like that, yes," said Fenella exasperatedly, "Now how are you supposed to tell him? 'Sorry James, but you know that question you asked me last week? Actually, I lied...'? You're stuck now."

"Well, I don't care," Louis said stubbornly, "He doesn't even need to know."

Fenella rolled her eyes.

"Lou, he's your best friend, not to mention your cousin. What happens when you start going out with a guy? What if some day you want to settle down with someone? Are you going to keep it a secret all your life? Because that's just stupid!"

Louis muttered something unintelligible.

"What?" Fenella demanded.

"I said, that's never going to happen," Louis said loudly, "Nobody knows except you, and that's only because you guessed. I don't see how I'm ever going to tell anyone. My family..."

"Wouldn't care, and you know it. Come on, Louis, your family are just about the most tolerant people I know. Why would they care? It's perfectly normal; loads of people are gay. They might not even be as surprised as you think they would. I mean, I guessed for a reason. And even James has pretty much guessed, though he isn't sure. Don't you think the rest of your family might have some idea too?"

Louis looked horrified.

"I bloody hope not!"

Fenella looked at him in despair.

"Oh, Louis. You have to tell them some time. You can't keep living a lie."

"I can if I have to."

"So, Louis, you do trust me, right?"

Louis looked up from his Astronomy homework and stared at James in astonishment.

"Depends what you mean," he said eventually, "What context? If you mean, do I trust you to get my back in a fight, sure, every time. If you mean, do I trust you when you say 'It's foolproof; nothing can go wrong, and we'll never get caught,' then no, not as far as I could throw you."

James scowled at him, distracted.

"When do my plans ever go wrong?"

Louis rolled his eyes.

"D'you really need me to answer that, mate?"

"Shut up," James threw a quill at Louis. Being a Chaser, his aim was quite good, and it stabbed his cousin in the forehead.

"Anyway," the brown-haired boy went on, ignoring Louis' exclamation of outrage, "I didn't mean either of those. I meant, you do trust me as a friend, right? You know I'll always be your mate, whatever happens, don't you?"

"What have you done?" Louis demanded suspiciously.

"Nothing," said James, in an injured voice, "Well... I borrowed your Defence text book this morning, and I had a bit of a fight with Adam with it, and I might have accidentally dropped it in my potions cauldron... but that isn't what I'm talking about. What I mean is, if there was something... I mean, I know you said... but if you wanted to tell me anything, you wouldn't need to worry. Basically, I know you said you weren't, but if - just if, you know? - if you were, then you know I'd be right here for you, right? I mean, at least, I don't mean that in a weird way. But if you were..."

"Merlin, Jamie," Louis spoke though gritted teeth, "How many times do we need to have the same stupid bloody conversation? I told you..."

"I know you did. But I thought maybe I'd been a bit over the top about it, and you thought I didn't mean it. Because I honestly did, mate. Whatever you told me, it wouldn't make any difference to me. I mean it, Lou. You're my best mate. That's more important than any stupid... Oh, shit, you know what I mean. I'm no use at this kind of girl talk. I just... well, I wanted you to know I wouldn't even care..."

"James, do you ever stop talking? I'm trying to work," Louis broke in desparately.

"Yeah, sure, sorry." James was quiet for a few moments.

"So, what about Philippa Marchbanks?" he said eventually, naming one of their fellow Gryffindor Fifth Years. Louis gave up trying to work.

"What about Philippa Marchbanks?" he asked shortly, knowing the answer.

"She fancies you."

"Good for her."

"So, what's wrong with her?" James persisted, "I mean, she's nice, she's pretty... she's quite hot, actually. I wouldn't say no."

"I know you wouldn't. You didn't. You went out with her last year, remember?"

James waved this aside.

"I only went to Hogsmeade with her a couple of times. But she's all right. Why don't you give it a shot? Or if you don't fancy her, what about Clem Robbins?"

"Clem Robbins fancies you," Louis said grimly, stabbing his quill so firmly into the ink that the nib broke, "Shit."

He threw the quill down and reached into his bag for another. He hated these conversations, and James knew it.

"She likes you as well. Emilia told me."

"Well, I'm not interested."

"No, you never are. Louis, most of the girls in the school'd go out with you if you asked, and you seriously wouldn't give it a shot with any of them?"

"I don't want t a girlfriend," said Louis through gritted teeth, "Can you just accept that, James?"

"Yeah, okay," James said casually, "So what about Falco Stimpson? He's pretty good-looking, isn't he?"

That time, Louis knocked the ink bottle over, and it spilt all over James' book. James wouldn't have minded if it had been a text book, but as it was his Quidditch book, several minutes were spent in cleaning it up.

When they had finished, Louis stood up and gathered his things together.

"I'm going to bed," he said, before James could start talking again.

"Okay. Night."

Louis retreated towards the dormitories, and James watched him, an uncharacteristically thoughtful expression on his face.

"You may as well tell me," James mumbled through a mouthful of food, "'Cause I basically know anyway."

"I haven't got a clue what you're on about," Louis replied, "But if you know, why do I need to tell you?"

James looked annoyed.

"Because I want you to trust me enough to tell me. And you do know what I'm on about. So you may as well just say it. I don't know what the big deal is. Just tell me, and I'll stop annoying you about it. It doesn't bother me."

Louis looked sadly at his friend.

"I really wish I believed that."

"For fuck's sake!" James sounded angry, "How many times do I have to say it? You're my mate. Nothing's going to change that! Why should I care...?"

"Okay, fine," Louis said loudly, standing up, "If it'll make you shut up about it, fine. And we'll see how much it bothers you, won't we? I'm GAY, Jamie. I'M FUCKING GAY! Happy now?"

He stared down at James, breathing hard, his cheeks red. James stared up at him, and opened his mouth to say something.

Their cousin Rose got there first.

"That's interesting, Louis," she said, sounding amused, "It explains a few things, anyway. But you might like to say it again, a bit louder. There might be a few people down in Hogsmeade who didn't hear you."

Louis stared at her for a second, and then looked around him. It was dinner time, but the Great Hall was strangely quiet. His pronouncement had, it seemed, been louder than he intended. A lot of people were staring at him as though they didn't quite know how to respond. Quite a number of girls looked devastated. Some Slytherins were smirking. On his own table, his cousin Fred, sitting with some other Seventh Years, looked gobsmacked. Fenella was looking at him with exasperated pity. Rose appeared to be trying not to laugh and if Hugo's jaw fell any lower, it would be in his pudding. The twins, Annabelle and Adam, looked worriedly at each other.

Louis hesitated, torn between sinking back into his seat (and possibly under the table too) and fleeing the room. There was a long way to go between him and the door though, and he would be visible for the whole distance.

James stood up.

"What are all you wankers looking at?" he demanded loudly, "Got a problem, anyone?" he slung an arm around Louis' shoulders and glared around the room, "If you have, you can piss off."

He pulled his cousin back down into his seat, and gazed around him at the Gryffindor table.

"That goes for you lot as well. Shut your mouth, Hugo. You look like even more of an idiot than usual," he grinned at Louis, "When I said I wanted you to say it, I didn't necessarily mean like that..."

The colour that had flooded Louis' face had drained away, leaving him slightly pale. He glanced worriedly round the table. He didn't give two shits what the Slytherins thought, but these were his friends. The ones who looked most shocked were his cousins (although Rose was grinning at him); presumably, they had expected to be given that sort of news more privately.

He looked at James, an amazed expression on his face.

"You... It doesn't bother you?"

James rolled his eyes.

"Sometimes, Lou, you can be pretty thick," he paused, looking a little uncomfortable, and glanced around at the people who were blatantly listening, "Anyway... even if it had, even a tiny bit..." he waved his arm vaguely round the room, almost taking Fenella's eye out, "I'd still have stood up beside you, with all those wankers staring at you and ready to give you grief.

"That's what mates are for, Louis."