Title: Intoxication

Rating: T

Summary: Abandoned, again. Left to wallow in her own self pity, to question what she did wrong this time. And then he appears and suddenly her world is turned on its head all over again. When Jesse appears in the Christmas Tree Sale, Rachel finds where she could always control Finn, Jesse is a force of nature. Dangerous, but intoxicating.

Disclaimer: Obviously I do not own Glee, if I did Jesse would still be there and St. Berry would be alive and kicking. But he isn't. From this we can conclude that I don't own Glee.

Christmas wasn't usually something that Rachel celebrated.

Sure, she wished people a Merry Christmas and she would occasionally sing Christmas songs, but on Christmas Day her dads and she tended to stay in, watch old movies and eat Chinese food until they were sick. They didn't get a tree and they didn't go carol singing (much) and they didn't do anything Christmassy. They were, after all, Jewish.

This year, that had changed.

Since the whole Santana thing and since she had made out with Puck she had been on the outs with the Glee Club. They had only just forgiven her for the thing with Sunshine and already they were taking against her. It didn't seem fair and this time Rachel had promised herself that she wouldn't stand for it. She would not spend another Christmas alone.

So she had gone for the whole shebang. She had baked cookies for the whole Glee Club, even bought extravagant gifts for each and every one of them (except Santana).

Standing by the piano in the Choir room, she had waited nervously, keeping her show face intact in a way that would have made Barbra proud, watching as they decorated the tree without her. None of them invited her to join them.

As Artie and Brittany swung by next to her she handed over her presents to them, smiling widely as they gave her a strange look and skewered smile.

The rest of the Club began exchanged presents, singing Christmas songs merrily as she joined in on a few lines, unwilling to completely dive in.

She gave out all of her presents, each one expertly and perfectly wrapped with care and watched, trying not to wince as they ripped through her hard work. All exclaimed at their gifts, showing each other and marvelling, throwing back the odd thank you to Rachel, none of them looking her in the eye.

She waited and then she waited some more.

Finally, unable to help herself, she asked. "Should I wait for mine?"

An uncomfortable silence settled over the room and they each glanced at one another, not wanting to be the first to break the hush that was almost suffocating.

Quinn finally spoke, her voice hard. "Well, you're Jewish aren't you, so we figured, you wouldn't want presents."

"So, we decided to… not get you any." Artie continued, not meeting her gaze.

"Sorry," Tina added lamely into the silence that followed.

"Shouldn't be much of a change for you, man-hands." Santana added spitefully, her hard glare burning into Rachel.

"Nothing?" She finally asked, her voice weak.

None of them replied and Rachel fought to keep down the tears that were burning in her eyes, creating a large lump in her throat. It didn't matter, she told herself, sternly, it wasn't much of a change, and really, what was she expecting anyway, they'd never bothered before, why should they now? But no matter what she told herself she couldn't push away that dreadful feeling in her stomach, like when you miss a step coming down the stairs and your insides seem to drop away from you. That's what it felt like, like everything was dropping away from around her.

Fortunately Mr Shue entered at that moment, breaking the horrible silence that had settled and Rachel was able to focus on what he said, pushing the awful feeling to the back of her mind, where she could deal with it later, in private.

She had thought that performing to Finn would make a difference, that he would see how big a deal this was for her. She didn't do Christmas, by principle, so the fact that she had gone to all this trouble especially for him, that was really something.

But he didn't understand that.

She had sung, of course she had sung, the show must always go on, and after the band had left hurriedly, muttering their excuses she stood, alone on the stage and stared out into the blackness of the auditorium, thinking.

Finn. Why was she with him? Sure, he was sweet, if a little dull at times and he loved her… well, she'd thought he loved her anyway. But how could she be sure if, with one little move, he lost interest, lost faith in her and their relationship?

Sighing she pushed her hair away from her face, tucking the stray hairs behind her ear and pulling the red beret from her head. Pushing down the lump in her throat that had returned with vengeance, she screwed up in her hands, straightened her back and walked off the stage.

She would not let this bother her.

Much.

Buying a Christmas tree with Finn had been her second chance, an opportunity to make it up to him. Again. When Last Christmas had come on she had seized the moment, convincing him to sing with her as they looked for trees.

But he had pushed her away, rejected her again and walked away, leaving her alone in between the fir trees.

This time she was unable to push away the lump in her throat. It had reared its ugly head and she had fled, in between the trees and to a deserted corner of the outdoor yard. Sinking down to the floor she buried her head in her hands and let the tears come, pouring down her cheeks in an unending trail of salty liquid.

The sobs wracked her body, making her shake as agonised sobs ripped through her chest.

"Rachel?" The voice made her start and she stiffened, not needing to look up to know who it was. She would recognise that smooth, deep voice anywhere.

Not rising her head she said, with all the resolve she could muster. "Go away Jesse." He wasn't assisted by the way that her voice broke over her name as another sob pushed its way out.

"What's wrong?" She could almost feel him coming forward, despite what she had said, moving towards her as she stiffened.

Looking up, she wiped her eyes angrily, sniffing as she watched him kneel down a few inches away from her.

"Leave me alone." She said, with a little less determination.

"Only once you tell me what's wrong." He replied, stubbornly and she turned to glare at him.

He looked just as he had done that fateful day in the parking lot, except that his hair was longer, still curling perfectly. His eyes, still that unreadable blue- green, seemed more mature, harder. His eyes met hers and she looked away, standing and brushing down her skirt as best she could, avoiding his gaze and wiping away the tears that were still running down her cheeks.

"Rachel?" His voice stopped her as she turned to walk away and she turned, unable to stop herself, sniffling a little and asking.

"What?"

"Will you tell me what's wrong?" His voice was so tender, so kind, almost like a lover's, despite the fact that they hadn't gone out in a little over half a year, reminded her of the harshness of Finn's earlier that day. Before she knew it she was crying again, her sobs ripping through her chest as the days events echoed through her head.

"Shouldn't be much of a change for you, man-hands."

Santana's words repeated through her head, chanting, like a continuous mantra.

She barely registered his touch, a hand, as light as a feather and strangely hesitant, resting on her shoulder as her sobs continued.

"Rachel?" He seemed uncertain as, slowly, his hand came around her shoulders and she could feel the warmth of his body pressed against hers.

"Come on," She buried her face in his chest, breathing in his familiar scent, the slight whiff of cologne and something else, something unnameable that haunted her dreams in the deepest part of the night. Gently he led her blindly forwards and she went, clinging to him as she cried, weeping and relaxing into the feel in his hand, rubbing up and down her arm.

They came to a stop and Rachel blinked, looking up through her sodden eyelashes as he led her down to sit on a quaint wooden bench.

"Where are we?" She asked, without thinking, turning to see him withdraw his arm and hitch away, leaving an inch or two between them and watching her cautiously.

"In a corner of the Garden Centre that the Tree Sale is attached to." He explained, his voice level as he gazed at her intently.

"What are you doing here Jesse?" She asked through her tears.

"It's Winter Break, I came down to… tie up some loose ends."

She shot him an angry glance, snapping. "I hardly think that I'm a loose end."

His own eyes blazed for a moment. "I came to see a few other people too Rachel."

She just huffed, her anger making her tears harder as she folded her arms across her chest, turning away from him with usual stubbornness.

"Why are you crying, Rachel?"

She turned back to him again, saying shortly. "That's my business."

He considered that and then nodded, "Yes, I suppose it is. But if you want to tell someone who will show sympathy and never repeat what you say to anyone at all, then… well… I'm here."

Turning to look at him properly for the first time, she took in the sincerity, the honest truthfulness that shrouded his eyes, those unending eyes that had been the thing to grab her in the first place.

The words came out in a stream, so suddenly that it took even her by surprise, tumbling over each other like a bubbling spring in her haste to get them out. "I don't understand why he hates me so much! Why any of them do! I normally just take it, I know that I won't know any of them when I pick up my first Tony, but this year I tried, I really tired, with all of them. I sang to Finn, I apologised for what I did multiple times and still he wouldn't listen to me. And I didn't even do anything wrong, it was all his fault and he barely apologised to me! And the rest of the club. The moment I'm off Finn's arm then that's it, I'm out and none of them will have anything to do with me. I mean, couldn't just one of them have at least thought of me when buying their presents?"

Her voice choked off as another sob struggled through, making her brake off, leaning over with the power of her weeping.

"Rache," Jesse's face was twisted with agony and he reached slowly forward, pulling her into his arms as she cried, cautiously wrapping his arms around her and rubbing up and down her back in an attempt to sooth her.

After a moment her sobs weakened a little and she pushed him away, her expression hard again, despite her tears and when she spoke her voice was balanced, neutral.

"Go away Jesse."

He stayed where he was, watching her for the longest of moments, taking in all that he had missed, the slight curl to her dark, silky hair, she had got bangs, he realised. The white tights, childish and yet tantalising at the same time as he followed the curve of her legs upwards. Her bright red coat had fallen open and she was wearing a neat, dark blue skirt. Her deep red lips pouted as she stared downwards, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

God, he had missed her.

"Did you know?" Rachel asked suddenly, turning on him in a sudden rage, with no motivation he could see.

"Know what?" He replied, watching her steadily as she fumed.

When she answered, her voice rising in the way that it always did when she was aggravated, he was startled. "About Finn and Santana? Every other person in that Glee club seemed to know, so did you too? Was it just another thing for you to laugh at me about, behind my back?"

"Finn and Santana?" Jesse gaped and under Rachel's unflinching gaze he shook his head quickly. "I had no idea… did they…?"

Rachel turned away again, unwilling for him to see the pain that rippled through her, the pain that no show face could ever disguise. It was so complicated, a web of lies and deceit that was spun around her, so that now, whichever way she turned, she didn't know who to trust. Finn had been her safety net, the one thing she knew she could count on. Sure, they had fought a few times and they didn't see quite eye to eye, but he was kind and sweet and he loved her. Most importantly, he was always honest with her. Or so she had thought anyway.

She nodded finally, a defeated nod as the energy drained out of her. "That night, when we almost… She was with him. He told me after that they didn't… you know. I'd lied, told him that we had, but I told him the truth later. Even then he wasn't honest with me… even then, when he had his moment, he didn't tell me the truth."

Another tear ran down her cheek.

He gazed at her, watching as the pain twisted her face, her eyes hollow as her breathing broke and hitched. The pain that Finn had caused her. It made him want to hunt the quarterback down and pummel him until he couldn't move. But then, the pain must have been thrice fold when he had… left. At least Finn Hudson was still there and at least she still had some small chance of getting him back.

Jesse had just disappeared. With one last cruel act he had vanished into the mist, like an apparition created only to taunt her and when he looked at her again, he could see the pain of old scars, made afresh. Old pain, forgotten about, being brought to the surface.

"Why do you all lie to me?" Rachel suddenly exploded, her voice breaking twice as she stood, turning upon him with a glare that made his blood run cold for a second.

"Rache, I…"

She turned away from him, cutting off whatever he was going to say. "You what Jesse?" Even with her back turned to him, he still heard her quiet words, her voice laced with defeat and anguish.

And really, what could he say? What could he say that would make up for the inexcusable, the cruel, malicious stunt he had pulled. He could see it, even there, in that dimly lit Garden Centre, that the pain he had caused was still there. If he had seen her any other time, when she was more prepared, more ready, her show face up and the many layers she had created around the memories protecting her from the brutality of his actions, maybe he would have thought she'd gotten over him, forgotten him. But now, with her walls down, her pain and anguish on show for all to see, he could tell that she hadn't healed, as he hoped she would. And really, what had he expected? Rachel was so sensitive, she wore her heart on her sleeve and that made her vulnerable to everyone and everything that tried to attack her.

She had been so close to him and he had blown up in her face, leaving behind only smoke and dust, whispered, empty promises that meant nothing, the memory of lingering looks, touches.

The pain he had caused, the agony that must have hurt her to her core, it would never go. He could see that now. Rachel wasn't one to let things go easily. What he had done, the memories of pain, they would be carried with her forever and effect her for the rest of her life.

What could he do now? Reasoning with her would do nothing, he didn't have a leg to stand on there. But he was fed up of this, being so indecisive, so cautious.

So maybe, this time, he would just tell the truth.

The decision was made before he knew it and he rose quickly, taking the few paces towards her in haste, in case he changed his mind. Taking her shoulder, he pulled her around, looking her straight in the eyes as she began to protest.

"I love you Rachel Berry."

And then, his lips were on hers, crushing with a desperation of time lost. They had been apart for so long and now, now she was here, in his arms. Her hands grazing up and down his arms as she kissed him back, her touch electrifying him as he pressed himself closer to her, frantic for that touch once again, like a need that he couldn't ignore any more. His lips moved at a destructive pace, as he clung to her, desperate for that contact, that knowledge that they still had each other even after all this time.

Rachel kissed him back, taken aback by his sudden move, but unable to form a coherent thought as he held her in that crushing grasp, his hands running up and down her, alighting her nerves and leaving a trail of fire behind them. Her hands automatically went around his neck, one going up to run through his curly locks, the feeling of which she had missed so much. Strange, this, his touch on her skin, his lips pressing into hers, it was almost like a relief, like being freed of a crushing weight that she hadn't realised she been carrying. Her back arched as he pulled her closer to him and her hand ran across his neck, her nails scratching him lightly as she tried to think of something other then his hands on her and the glorious feeling they brought with them.

Inevitably both had to break away finally and as Rachel breathed in much needed air through bruised lips she felt her head begin to clear, although his hands still held her to him. Pushing against his chest she staggered back, gasping for air as she tried to gather her thoughts, which had shattered the moment his lips had touched hers.

She had just formally broken up with her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend Finn.

"Rache?" His hands wrapped around her waist, pulled him back towards her, his hot breath on the bare skin of her jawbone and she tried to think clearly as her heart fluttered at his touch.

"Get away Jesse," Her whisper was hardly strong.

"Why?" He whispered, huskily in her ear and she felt her legs tremble a little as his ever seductive voice worked it's magic.

"Because I love Finn." She responded, her voice a little stronger as she clung to this one, simple fact. "Finn," She repeated.

There was a moment of silence and all she could hear was his steady breathing, fluttering out across her cheek and causing goose bumps to appear, despite the warmth.

"Really?" He asked finally, his voice still deep and husky. "Tell me that he understands you Rachel, your wants, your dreams, your desires. Tell me that he's everything you want and everything you'll ever want. Tell me you two have everything that we ever had and I'll leave."

"He is, we do." Rachel insisted, her breath catching a little.

He laughed deeply and she trembled a little.

"Liar," He whispered, his tone amused.

And then, suddenly, his lips were brushing her cheek again. One quick, sudden kiss that left a fiery trail on her cheek.

Then he was gone and as she turned, her hand going up to her cheek, she felt her stomach twist at the sight of his confident stride.

He turned once and, to her shock, blew her a kiss, an amused smile dancing on his lips, those ever talented lips.

As he disappeared through the trees Rachel pulled her arms around herself, trying to keep herself together, watching the place he had disappeared as she was thrown into unbearable emotional turmoil.

She hated Jesse St James. She hated the way he had manipulated her, used her, made her feel like a piece of dirt beneath his shoe. She hated the way that she had spent so many nights crying over him in the privacy of her room. And mostly she hated the way that he could just swoop back in and make her stomach jump, her legs tremble and her body tingle.

Oh yes, she hated Jesse St James.

But it was a strange kind of hate.

Well, there it is. I actually quite enjoyed this because I have been really missing St Berry. Srry if some of the facts about the episode are wrong.

I hope you guys like this, and if people want me to, I might extend this into a multi chap fic, although I do have another St Berry multi chapter fic which I mean to post soon.

Well, please review and tell me if I should extend it :)

Thank you for reading.

Ray

xxx