CHAPTER 5: FAMILIAR FEELING

Bette's breath hitched in her throat as soon as the recent events caught up on her. She carefully turned around and smiled as she saw Tina's sleeping form. They had slept liked this many times before, but it was usually Bette holding Tina. The brunette couldn't deny that it was a nice change to have the roles reversed. She reached out to the blonde, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. In her sleep, Tina rubbed her cheek against Bette's hand. The brunette sighed and closed her eyes briefly, taking her hand away. Tina would never be hers.

"Mmm," Tina moaned softly in protest. She reached for Bette's hand blindly to bring it back to its rightful place. The brunette decided she couldn't take this any longer and she got out of bed. She went to the adjoining bathroom to wash up and get dressed. When she was done, she went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

She was surprised by the smell of fresh coffee and a very awake Erica Hahn at the kitchen table.

"Are you okay?" Bette asked. After all, it was only 5.30 am.

Erica looked up and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm not much of a sleeper, never have been. I get by with only a few hours a night, keeps me sharper. I hope you don't mind I used the coffee machine, but I need my fix in the morning."

"No, of course that's okay. You want something to eat?"

"I decided to wait for the rest of you to wake up. I didn't want to make too much noise and it was already uncomfortable enough to search the cupboards for the coffee."

"Oh – that's no problem. I've nothing to hide."

"Yeah, well, better safe than sorry," Erica smiled. Bette filled a cup of her own and sat down next to Erica.

"So, you really like Addison, don't you?" Bette asked.

"Yeah, I do. I mean, we have our differences, but so far, we've managed to overcome them. It's just… it's a bit new to me. I've never had anything this serious with a woman. But it's great, and it feels right and to me, that's all that matters."

"It's great that you're so at ease with everything. Addison really deserves someone who loves her, respects her and cares for her."

"She's great. It's the small things as well, you know? It's funny how every evening, I tell her to go to bed because she won't be able to get out in the morning, but she always dismisses me. Then she gets in at an impossible hour, but I almost have to kick her out of bed in the morning."

"Tina's exactly the same," Bette smiled, oblivious to how she suddenly seemed to glow.

"You really love her, don't you?" Erica asked softly. Her blue eyes were kind, but Bette had to look away. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks. "Addison told me last night," Erica explained.

The brunette decided to change the subject. "So, I hear you're passionate about art. I would love to show you a gallery or two this morning." Bette pretended the previous subject hadn't even been discussed. Erica understood what Bette was trying to do and decided to go with it.

"Yeah, that'd be lovely."

***

Three hours later, a blonde and a redhead entered the kitchen. Addison was scratching her head as she found her way to the table. She muttered a quick thanks as Erica handed her a cup of coffee exactly as she liked it: black.

Tina squinted her eyes against the harsh light – well, it was harsh to her. She automatically found her way around the kitchen and had gotten herself a cup before Bette had had the chance to get over the sight of morning-Tina. She'd always loved morning-Tina, looking tired yet sexy as hell in that crumbled tank and shorts. No bra, of course. Then again, she loved every Tina Kennard there was.

Erica and Bette shared their plans for that morning and the other women just nodded, only vaguely getting the idea of it. When Erica reminded her girlfriend again half an hour later, Addison immediately said: "But we have an appointment with the realtor this afternoon!"

"No problem," Bette smiled. "We'll make sure to be back by noon. What do you say, we can all go out for a light?"

"No," Tina said. "We had Chinese last night and you're eating out way too much. We're going to have a nice home-cooked meal."

"Works for me," Addison shrugged. Erica agreed and finally, Bette gave in.

***

Bette and Erica had been out for about an hour. Tina had given Eric a call to ask him to bring the boxes with Bette's diaries over. He promised to drive by after work. Addison had just checked whether all their appointments for that week still stood, not wanting to take any chances after the hotel fiasco.

They were sitting on the lounge chairs by the pool, talking about the move Addison and Erica where about to make when Addison changed the subject, seemingly out of nowhere.

"You honestly didn't know?" the redhead asked curiously.

Tina immediately knew what she was talking about. "I… no, I didn't. I mean, I knew I mean a lot to her, but then she means a lot to me as well. It's just hard to make that distinction sometimes. We've been best friends for ages."

"I think that wanting to have sex with someone would be a pretty obvious distinction," Addison remarked.

"But then I didn't know she wanted to make love to me," Tina argued.

"But still… the way she looks at you. It's hard to miss."

"I guess I was too close and ignorant to even notice. I thought she loved Rachel when we were seventeen. I thought the way she looked at Rachel was her way of looking at someone she was in love with. She didn't look at me like that."

"Why do you think she's had that enormous framed picture of Róisín Murphy for ages?"

"Because she thinks she's incredibly hot, sexual, strong, feminine – simply adores her and her music?"

"Next time you're in her room, take a closer look at that picture. She looks exactly like you in that one. She always tried to fool herself into thinking that pining away at that picture was not the same as pining away at you and your boyfriend."

Tina needed a moment. Of course, once she knew, it was obvious. Once it was pointed out to her. There seemed to be so many signs, in hindsight.

"And what about you?" Addison asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You can't fool me, Tina. I see the way you look at her. You're crazy about her!"

"It doesn't really matter now. You have to promise not to tell her anything, but yes, I do share her feelings. I just think that she needs to get better first. She needs to see a therapist, she needs to deal with all these issues she has before she can even start a relationship. I want to be there as her friend."

"And you also don't want to leave the safety and security your husband provides?"

Tina was shocked by Addison's forwardness. She had always been pretty sharp, but never this upfront. She shook her head. "No, it's not that. It's just… I mean, I feel that way for her, but it's not the way I lead my life. I tried to bury the feelings but found myself unable, so I settled for Eric. He treats me right, he's a good man and he loves me. I know that now everything has changed with Bette confessing her feelings in that twisted way of hers, but I'm not sure whether I'm ready to change my life just like that. I've grown accustomed to it. I need the steadiness right now to be able to support her. I may not live with my husband right now, but he's still my husband and the idea that I have this marriage gives me a secure, stable feeling."

"You don't think Bette can offer you a life that is secure and safe, but also enticing and thrilling? She would give you the world if she could – I don't think you realise just how much she adores you. She would be so good for you. Imagine you would be forced to be away from Bette for two weeks. How would that feel?"

"Awful – the thought of her wanting to end her life – the thought of her not being here – God it nearly killed me. I couldn't live without her, I wouldn't be able to breathe without her."

"And two weeks without Eric? Doesn't even seem to bother you very much as you are now basically without him for quite some time."

"It's different, there's no comparing. Look, Addison, I know that things have changed. Not only because of… everything with Bette. Our marriage has been going through a rough patch for quite some time now and I don't see how we're going to figure this out, if we even want to go on – if I want to go on. That's why I don't want to confess my feelings to Bette yet. I nearly did, but I decided it was better not to for the reasons I explained earlier. She needs to be strong again, make a mental change, gain confidence before she can have a stable relationship. I can't offer her that right now, but I can offer her my friendship. In the mean while, I'll have time to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I know something has to change, I'm just struggling with the what and how. God, I can't even believe I told you all of this – I'm so sorry, I barely even know you!"

Addison smiled. "I'm here to listen to you if you need me, Tina. In the end, we all benefit from this. Bette benefits from it cause you do, I benefit because it's good for my ego that I have someone who trusts me enough to confide in them."

"Then I'm glad I can be your personal ego-booster," Tina laughed.

"Seriously, though, Tina, if you ever need to talk…"

"It's so weird, I used to be able to talk to Bette about anything."

"You still can."

"Yeah, but to know that we've been hiding this major part of our lives for each other for such a long time…"

"It'll work out in the end."

***

Addison was in the pool when Tina decided to have a bath. She filled the tub and let the stereo play whatever cd was in there. The blonde was shocked when she heard the lyrics, realising this must have been the last song Bette had listened to before she had tried to commit suicide.

Hopelessly drift
In the eyes of the ghost again
Down on my knees
And my hands in the air again
Pushing my face in the memory of you again
But I never know if it's real
Never know how I wanted to feel

Never quite said what I wanted to say to you
Never quite managed the words to explain to you
Never quite knew how to make them believable
And now the time has gone
Another time undone

Hopelessly fighting the devil
Futility
Feeling the moster
Climb deeper inside of me
Feeling him gnawing my heart away
Hungrily
I'll never lose this pain
Never dream of you again

[Lyrics from [Untitled] by The Cure]