Silence isn't the end after all

Written for the prompt : The Losers, Cougar/Jensen, he misses the sound of his voice

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Silence isn't the end after all

They've both been left the army for years now, the army and Clay's random shit that followed in the hunt for Max. Cougar still can't bring himself to talk to Clay, to forgive Clay for what happened, even though he knows the man still contacts Jensen from time to time and Jensen replies. He makes a point not to ask, although he suspects Clay still asks Jensen for help hacking. If it were up to Cougar, one of them would tell Clay to go to Hell.

It's another of the things that Cougar thinks he might never understand about Jensen, no matter how long they're together or how much they love each other.

Jensen turns and smiles at him as he crosses the yard to lean on the fence and watch as Jensen puts the horse through its paces. Jensen learnt fast thankfully when they first came here and took over. Despite everything, all the limitations that came with their reason for leaving Clay, Jensen did all he could to learn what was needed and to find ways to be useful as he'd put it.

Being outdoors, being active had helped him overcome the psychological damage along with Cougar's insistence that he always chose what he was going to do. No one would ever make Jensen do anything again if Cougar had his way.

There were days even now when Cougar felt like conversation was a one-sided thing, finds himself talking for the two of them because he can't bear the silence and the weight of the memories. They learnt ASL because it was quicker for Jensen to sign than it was to write down what he wanted to say. It's useful because now they can communicate without having to be right next to one another, but Cougar still wishes that he could hear Jensen ramble on and on like he used to.

The nightmare of what happened haunts them both in different ways. Cougar knows Jensen's never shared the full horror with anyone of what happened while he was prisoner waiting to be rescued and hoping that his team were still alive to come for him. He was barely clinging on to life when they finally got there; broken bones, knife cuts that would have made Roque proud littering his body and a crushed larynx. The shot to the head of his torturer to stop him in his tracks hadn't been justice at all in Cougar's mind, but as they'd freed Jensen and he'd stopped breathing and they thought they'd lost him, Cougar had wanted to revive the bastard who had done it just so he could tear him slowly limb from limb. Jensen was the priority though and always would be in Cougar's mind.

Jensen had taken a long time to piece himself back together again, refusing to leave the bedroom first of all and then the house. It had taken months before he'd let anyone other than Pooch and Cougar into the room with him. His own sister and niece kept out despite tears from both sides.

In the end, it had been Jolene who'd kick started the real recovery. Physically, there'd been too much damage, Jensen's voice was gone, his top notch fitness was gone. He would always be silent and always walk with a limp but his life didn't have to be over.

Where the pleas of his sister and niece had been refused, Jolene had barged into the room when he was asleep and woken him up. She'd seen the fear in his eyes and she'd been careful but she was far from stupid. She knew enough about a soldier's nightmares to keep her distance until Jensen was awake enough to know where he was and who was with him in the room.

She'd talked at him for hours, telling him how much worse it was for his family to know that he was alive and prisoner in that room than it would be to see him and to know the truth. Gently she'd run her fingers over his throat, seen as the tears had gathered in his eyes and as she ran them down the scar that started just below one eye and ran to his chin, the first tear had fallen free.

She'd pulled him into her shoulder, rocked him gently as he let the old Jensen go and took the first step to becoming the man he was today.

She hadn't called his sister straight away. Instead that first day, she'd got him up and out of bed, had Cougar help him get cleaned up properly. Day by day, she'd made him do more, made him face his life and begin to rebuild it. It had been slow, step by step as he'd had to face hurdle after hurdle, but her insistence and the support of Cougar and Pooch had gradually had him achieving more and more. He'd finally accepted his place back in the heart of his own family and the love that they would never lose for him.

In time, Cougar had decided they needed more, so he'd put together his and Jensen's funds and found a small horse farm. It had needed work but he knew they could make it work. He'd moved them both out there, relieved when Jensen had liked it. Step by step they'd started work, figuring out what Jensen could and couldn't do, what he knew and what he needed to learn. It had been easy at first to let Jensen get to grip with the financial side of things. It had given him a manageable challenge, something to focus on that he could do well. Cougar had started by clearing out the stables, getting rid of anything that wasn't essential. Something they'd learnt was that Jensen needed more space to get around on his own, he needed to be able to reach for walls or furniture to lean on when his leg tired. Cougar was determined that no part of their farm would be inaccessible to Jensen by the time he'd finished.

Jensen had known nothing about horses when they'd started and had been anxious about being in close proximity with something so large and with a mind of its own. So Cougar had left him to grow comfortable in the house and its immediate surroundings, sure now that Jensen would at least come out to sit on the porch and watch from there. Meanwhile Cougar had spent the time getting to know the horses and making sure there was room for Jensen to move freely in the stable.

Over time, he'd introduced Jensen to the more placid of the horses, shown him how to lead them, how to saddle them and care for them after they'd worked out. He taught Jensen to ride. It had taken them a while to find a way for Jensen to mount and dismount alone but they were there now.

Jensen had taken to wearing a small whistle and they'd trained the horses one by one to respond to Jensen's whistle in the same way they responded to Cougar's verbal commands.

Day by day, Jensen's confidence grew, his fitness returned. It would never be what it was but now he was able to do a full day's work on the farm without undue difficulty. They knew his limitations and they'd learnt to work round them.

They were happy for the most part here on the farm. The people who mattered would come to visit and the local townsfolk knew them well enough to not be disturbed by Jensen's silence, but to accept his hand-written notes if he went into town alone. A few knew a little ASL and would pass the time of day with him.

It had been good to see Jensen's confidence return, to see him stop hiding away and to build this new life together, something better than they'd had the opportunity to enjoy before.

It was good to be here alive together and Cougar appreciated every single moment they got. But the secret he would keep locked inside his heart forever was just how much he wished he could hear Jensen's voice again because to say that he missed it would make Jensen feel that he was less without it.

Really Jensen's voice was just a brutal symbol of all they had had to suffer to reach this place and time. Jensen would say it was worth it.

And now Jensen smiles again, Cougar might even be convinced to agree.