Project H: New Moon
By Panicattack/ Project H
Author's note: If you didn't read Project H: Twilight, all you need to know for this is that Jessica has somewhat incestuous tendencies. I'm sure it made sense in context.
Part 1
Bella narrating: These violent delights have violent ends
Like at the end of Mythbusters where they just blow everything up
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss consume
Like at the end of Mythbusters where they just blow everything up
And I think there's something about teen love in there too
*Meadow*
Bella: Gran?
Gran: Gran?
Ed: Two Bellas? Well, Happy Birthday to me
Door: *Knock*
*Bella's room*
Charlie: Wakey, wakey. What's that you're reading?
Bella: Romeo and Juliet. I like reading stories that are absolutely nothing like my life, what with my romance being in no way tragic
Charlie: Well then any book with actual character development would work too
Bella:...what?
Charlie: Happy Birthday! *Hands Bella gifts*
Bella: I thought we agreed no presents
Charlie: They didn't cost me anything. This camera was a murder weapon that I stole from work
Bella: *Looks at camera* Ew! Couldn't you have cleared out the old photos first?
Charlie: Maybe, but I thought I'd be an extra little surprise
Bella: And the scrapbook?
Charlie: From your mother. She doesn't know anything about you, so she sent you blank paper
Bella: Thoughtful
Charlie: You got old so fast
Bella: No I didn't
Charlie: Is that a grey hair? Broken hip? Angry letter to the paper?
Bella: No it isn't
Charlie: Are you sure? Maybe your eyesight is getting bad
Bella: Dad...
Charlie: Arthritis?
Bella: Please...
Charlie: Dreaming about being an old lady with your young boyfriend?
Bella: I...what?
Charlie: Happy Birthday!
*School*
Eric: Dear God, look at that hideous truck. What kind of loser would...oh Bella! Hi there
Bella: Can I get a picture of you guys? My mum wants me to put together a scrapbook of memories, and I find it hard to believe I could remember any of you without photographic evidence. Which one's the Asian guy?
Eric: Uh, Eric
Bella: And which one's cock-blocking Mike?
Mike: Cullen. And here he comes
Edward: *Parks across the lot so he can do a slow-motion windswept walk up to Bella*
Bella: You've been practicing that
Edward: Every night while you're asleep. Happy birthday
Bella: Ugh. Let's not celebrate my aging
Edward: You're 18 now. I'm 109. Yesterday this relationship was questionable, but today it's perfectly fine
Bella: I'm old
Edward: Well the older you get, the less you seem like part of my midlife crisis
Bella and Edward: *Kiss*
Edward: Time for class
Bella: I have had class. I didn't do anything wrong or force you to-
Edward: School class
Bella: That too
Jacob: Bella!
Edward: Who's she?
Bella: Jacob
Edward: That's a dude?
Bella: Is the one who sparkles questioning someone else's masculinity?
Edward: I'll leave you two to talk
Jacob: You and I need to hang out more
Bella: You're forgetting that I don't like you
Jacob: Happy birthday. I saw this the other day and thought of you *Holds up dream catcher*
Bella: You saw something cheap and tacky and thought of me? Aw, sweet
*School Hallway*
Edward: So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a present and I don't?
Bella: I binned his gift. Besides, I have nothing to give back to you
Edward: Bella, you give me everything just by breathing
Bella: You're going to run out of clichés
Edward: I have a big book of them. I've got hundreds more. Bella, I was dead until you breathed life into me
Alice: Bella! Happy Birthday! Here's your present. I've already seen you open it and guess what – you love it! I also saw you trying it on. You might want to borrow my waxing stuff. Oh, and maybe think about a salad for lunch
Bella: Jasper, no fair with the mood control thing
Jasper: I wasn't. I don't want to waste my powers here. I'm going to go and make the school cycling team aroused before they go for a ride. Good luck getting on those seats, boys
*English class*
Edward: Look at Romeo. He kills his true love out of sheer stupidity. I sure envy him
Bella: Yeah he...what?
Edward: No no, not because of that. I envy him because he can easily commit suicide
Bella:...what?
Edward: I'd need to go to Italy and provoke the Volturi. I thought about it when I almost lost you to James
Bella: So despite being alone and miserable for almost 100 years, you never considered killing yourself until you met me?
Edward: Correct
Bella: Why are you telling me this?
Edward: Just making friendly conversation
*Cullen house*
Edward: *Looking at painting* The Volturi are a very old, very powerful family
Bella: I thought we were going on a date. Why are we still talking about suicide?
Edward: This is how all second dates go. The Volturi uphold the most important law of our world
Bella: Music piracy?
Edward: That one's second. The most important is that we keep the existence of our kind a secret
Bella: I don't even want to think of someone hurting you
Edward: Bella, the only thing that can hurt me is you
Bella: Thank goodness. I was worried that the Volturi would be able to harm or possibly kill you, but now my mind is at ease
Edward: No, they can! I was trying to sound romantic or something. The Volturi can most definitely kill me
Alice: On that note, party time! Rosalie, you first
Rosalie: *Hands gift* It's poison. I'll be offended if you don't drink it straight away
Emmett: Mine is already installed in your truck. New sound system
Rosalie: My second gift is also in your truck; cut brake-line
Carlisle: And we got you something to brighten your day. Careful, we wrapped it in cactus
Bella: *Cuts finger*
Jasper: *Attacks*
Rosalie: Jasper, you got her 'death'? Damn, that was my third gift
Edward: *Throws Bella into Emmett's ill-advised knife collection*
Bella: Oh dear God! Why did you do that? I'm bleeding everywhere
Edward: I thought that maybe I could create so much blood that Jasper would get confused and stop
Bella: You didn't think of maybe just jumping on Jasper?
Edward: Of course not. Someone might have gotten hurt
*Carlisle's "office", though it looks more like the lounge on a cruise ship than somewhere to put in stitches*
Carlisle: It's not your fault; Jasper hasn't been away from human blood as long as the rest of us
Bella: Of course it's not my fault. How could it possibly be? Jasper's the one with no control, you gave me the gift, and Edward threw me across the room. It's everyone's fault but mine
Carlisle: You've always been very gracious about us
Bella: Sure
Carlisle: It's because we're so incredibly good-looking isn't it?
Bella: Absolutely
Carlisle: And because we could easily kill you if you made us mad
Bella: Undoubtedly
Carlisle: Ah well. There have been great relationships based on less
*Bella's truck*
Bella: Edward, you can't protect me from everything. An accident, illness, old age, my boyfriend throwing me into a wall...actually, you could have protected me from that last one
Edward: I'm not going to change you. You don't know how I feel about you
Bella: Carlisle told me how you feel about your soul. I don't believe in that. And frankly, neither should you. Your very existence seems to disprove most religions
Edward: True. But if we pretend, we can still take religious holidays off from work and school
Bella: It's still my birthday, so can I ask you one thing?
Edward: I don't believe in birthdays, so no. Now go inside. You've got to prepare for the Sabbath
Bella: But that's not-
Edward: Go inside! Goodnight and shalom
*Outside the Swan House*
Edward: Come take a walk with me
Bella: I sense another surprise party
*Forest. Where all important Bella and Edward talks occur*
Edward: Surprise! We're leaving town forever
Bella: What? Why?
Edward: Carlisle's supposed to be older than he looks. Yesterday someone pointed out his driver's licence expired in 1942. We have no choice but to leave
Bella: Alright, I'll get my coat
Edward: No, you can't
Bella: OK, I'll buy a new coat when we get there
Edward: You're not coming
Bella: Well no, not right now. But if we kiss and cuddle for a while then maybe-
Edward: Not what I meant. You can't go with us
Bella: If it's because of Jasper-
Edward: It's not that
Bella: If it's because I sometimes snort when I laugh-
Edward: Not that either. And when have you ever laughed?
Bella: If it's because I have little to no personality and practically no redeeming character traits other than apparently smelling nice and not being about to recognise when I'm in an abusive relationship-
Edward: Frankly that's my favourite thing about you. It's because I'm not good for you
Bella: I told you, I don't mind the physical abuse and having to live in fear. It's like dating...a bear
Edward: I don't want you to come. I'm leaving, and you'll never see me again. It'll be like I never existed. Except for the emotional pain, the physical scars left from when James and Jasper attacked you, and the fact that for several weeks people will be coming up to you asking "Whatever happened to that Cullen kid?" Goodbye and shalom *Leaves*
Bella: *Decides to chase after the super-fast vampire, perhaps hoping to find him hiding behind a tree. Then she crawls, and despite failing to find Edward, finds 3 lost contact lenses. She then cries herself to sleep on the forest floor. Oh yes, it's like he never even existed*
Sam: *Finds Bella, and also finds that not wearing a shirt while assisting a police investigation doesn't draw a single suspicious glance. He briefly considers forming a new Shirtless Squad, but realises they may struggle for female volunteers*
TO BE CONTINUED...