A/N:Merry chirstmas everyone! (though it is a bit lat xD 11 pm here) thanks so much for clicking on that link and finding your way to this story here! before the fun all begins though i'd like to take this moment and advertise the fantasic fanfiction writer and friend Yuuaku Hikari! GO CHECK HER OUT! Shes seriously an awesome writer and has some really good stories posted, up so again go look! one of here stories- labeled 'Kimi to Taiyou go Shinda hi'. Translation? 'The day you and the sun died'. Yeah shes cool and knows japanese xD. That story was actually the inspiration for the story your about to read. (also wrting One-shots for each other were our Christmas presents x3.) Its an awsome story and will have you laughing till you cry so do yourself a favor and go read it after this! come on, we both know you have nothing better to do today right? :3 Ok so before you get sick of this into and skip to the story i want to wish you all a Merry Chirstmas. :) if its not Chirstmas when you read this then happy whatever it is that you want! :D haha well go on now kids and read the story- i hope your not kids though, cuz if you were i'd be concerned XD

Looking back… I didn't think It'd come to this...

I never thought that my feelings for someone so close to me would develop into anything more than what they should be.

To love someone so completely…but knowing it was totallyfuckedup….

I had fallen for the one person it was wrong to fall in love with.

…I had fallen in love, with my brother.

The night it all started, we were alone in our small apartment. It was a ten minute walk to the college campus where we were enrolled for our first year. I was sitting on our beat up couch, waiting impatiently as my twin, Roxas, ran back and forth between the living room and the kitchen, grabbing snacks and candies and beer and setting them down haphazardly on the coffee table in front of me. In times like these he reminded me bit of the hamster we used to have as kids. It would run on its little wheel, run to the water spout for water, run back to the wheel, to the food dish, to the water spout, up the tunnel, down again and then back on that damn wheel. It's no wonder the thing died of a heart attack.

"Tell me why you want to watch this again?" I asked for what must have been the tenth time that evening.

Roxas had approached me right after classes had ended. No, make that jumped me after class and told me we had to go home right away. It was strange seeing him so excited, usually I was the hyper one- while he was off being an utter air head zombie guy. So I had to admit I was confused as to why my twin had done a complete one eighty with his mood. As soon as we said goodbye to our few friends we headed home, Roxas buzzing with energy every step. When we got home, he quickly ripped off his backpack and pulled out a DVD case. Inside it- my brother eagerly announced, was a porno. His very first one to be exact, I'm sure he'd gotten it from his annoying friend Axel, but my theory had yet to be proven true.

"Because this is the typical college experience and I don't want to miss it!" He answered from the kitchen.

I scoffed, that line had totally been from Axel, theory confirmed.

"Two twin brothers watching porn together? Exactly whatkind of college experience are you looking for?" I asked with a sarcastic smirk. I leaned forward and got a can of beer from the table and popped the top, taking a swig before saying, "Are you sure one of the nannies didn't drop you on your head as a baby?"

I heard his activity in the kitchen stop and looked to him expectedly. One his face was a grin that could only be classified as maniacal.

"At least I don't get boners when professor Aqua gives a lesson in advanced bio."

I inhaled my beer, gasping and choking as I struggled to clear my throat and get air to my lungs. As soon as I could breath I leaped up from the couch and pointed a finger at him. "That was ONE time!"

Roxas snorted and then broke out into an all out laughing fit. He grasped his sides and bent over so that his nose was inches from touching his knees.

"You're such a dick." I muttered into the lid of my beer can as I sat back down and took a small sip.

My brother cracked up even more, his face turning an interesting shade of red as his fit deprived him of oxygen. The beeping of our microwave had him lurch forwards and to the side as he tried to compose himself enough to stand upright and make his way to the thing. It made him look like he was a zombie, or a drunk, or maybe both. That thought amused me while I waited for him to join me to start our bizarre movie premiere.

The smell of melted butter made its way to my nose and I inhaled happily. Popcorn was definitely the best snack food around, second to only sea salt ice cream; which Roxas and I ate religiously. The way it changed from salty to sweet as it ran down your throat with just the slightest hint of vanilla- it was pure ecstasy. He was still sniffling back tears as he came and sat down beside me, placing the bowl of popcorn in his lap. Quickly, I snatched the bowl from him and put it in my own lap, grabbing a handful and shoving it into my mouth.

"Hey!" Roxas pouted in protest.

"If we're watching this, then Iget the bowl." I said around my mouthful of popcorn. He pouted for a few more moments before turning and grabbing the remote muttering a sarcastic, "Whatever." from under his breath.

"So what's this called anyway?" I asked as he pressed the play button.

"Always from Behind." He said casually as he placed the remote back on the coffee table, quickly grabbing a beer for himself then reclining back against the couch beside me.

Before I had a chance to even start my protests, sultry music begun to play and the movie began. It's not like I hadn't watched porn before, being in college and surrounded by hundreds of other guys you kinda get exposed to the stuff whether you like it or not. However, I never thought I'd ever watch it alone, with no one else besides my twin brother sitting beside me. Which was weird since we pretty much did do everything together. I guess it just proved how comfortable we were with each other- nothing ever came between us, no matter what happened.

Ever since we were toddlers we were constantly by each other's side. Part of it was because we were so close; the other part was that we had no other choice. We sought each other for comfort and acceptance. Our parents were never around growing up, and they hardly are now either. We might as well be orphans. Our father is an incredible successful business man and owns his own company. Our mother owns and designs her very own fashion line, so needless to say we're rich. They supply all the money needed for our tuition and our apartment away from campus. Not that we had a choice, as soon as we finished high school it was straight to this university.

We were basically raised by countless nannies, maids, and butlers. All of them which we tortured in attempts to get any sort of attention from our so called parents. Left alone, our twin bond grew stronger. We grew closer and closer until we were all but one person. Our unison scared other kids and teachers when we were finally enrolled in school. For years we remained isolated inside our own world that no one could penetrate. That is, until some spiky haired, red head demon child from hell started following us around relentlessly. And soon the brat brought other kids around us, forcibly breaking inside our bubble and dragging us into the outside world.

I suppose it was better that way though- if we would've stayed like that I think it would have eventually affected us badly. We still are incredible close though, more than the average identical twin.

Back to the present and it was about twenty minutes into the movie. This consisted of mostly just boob shots, moaning, panting, and drinking and snacking on the part of me and my brother. I finished off my seventh beer and belched loudly, placing it at the top of a little tower of beer I had constructed. I honestly hadn't really been paying that much attention to the screen in that span of time. The title admittedly had me a bit put off, I wasn't one to watch butt sex play across my TV screen. I glanced at Roxas and his eyes were all but glued to the screen. His pile of cans had a bit more than me but he looked anything but drunk. I smiled when I saw the very obvious tent he had going on in his pants.

"I didn't know we were going camping." I remarked amusedly as I lay back against the cushions and waited for his reaction.

"Huh?" he grunted as he peeled his eyes away from the screen and looked at me confusedly. I simply sat and waited for him to get what I was saying. I had to give him props for doing it in less than five minutes.

"Hey!" he shouted when his drunken mind finally pieced my words together.

I laughed and flopped over on my side, my laughter being muffled by the cushions.

"Shut up Ven!"

"Awww why?" I teased as I rolled back up and smirked at him, "I thought you loved camping in our room when we were little!"

This started a short bout of wrestling and drunken laughter as Roxas launched himself at me and we became tangled in each other's limbs. I flailed my arms and legs, trying to get him off of me and in the process just about knocked everything that had been placed on the coffee table, including the remote. Roxas dove to catch it and brought me along with him, causing us both to crash onto the floor and push the coffee table away from us. The moaning and panting continued playing on the screen and created a weird atmosphere in the room.

I landed on top of my brother, sprawled across his torso with my legs in between his. I hastily went and sat back on my knees, but froze when my eyes ran over him. Roxas was lying on his back, staring up at me with wide glassy eyes, the remote laying in his open hand. He was panting slightly from our little scrimmage and his cheeks were red from the excursion. His graphic styled T-shirt was raised slightly over his belly button and his pants still showed that very obvious bulge, I blinked a few times to clear my suddenly foggy mind and smiled ruefully.

"Roxas are you jealous of those people on the screen?" I asked, turning my voice into a mocking sultry tone.

"No, now get off me creep!" Roxas said as he tried to get out from under me, but I wouldn't let him, I was having too much fun.

"Aww come on," I cooed, "its ok if you are."

My head felt light and airy as the alcohol starting taking effect, and again that weird charge came back into the room and it seemed to be swirling around us the longer we laid so close to each other. The movie had somehow been paused- either by my brothers choosing or during our scrimmage when the remote fell off the coffee table. Regardless I couldn't take my eyes off my twin brother, I could always read him. His thoughts, his emotions, but now was totally different. I had no idea what he was thinking, and it bothered me. The tension in the room was rising and my mind was doing flips trying to think of something to say.

"Sucks you don't have a girlfriend to come and help you with your little problem here." I laughed nervously, my finger jokingly tapping at the button of his pants.

He made a weird noise in the back of his throat and jolted up from his prone position on the floor. In an instant our faces were a mere breath from one another. We started into each other's eyes and breathed each other's air. I didn't know what he was thinking, but as I leaned in closer and placed my hand over his- I felt that same bizarre feeling over take me.

And then just like that we were kissing.

At first it was just a peck, and as soon as I did it I quickly drew back. But I didn't go far enough. Roxas propelled forward and again pressed our lips together, which caught me extremely off guard. I didn't mean to kiss my brother in the first place and now he was kissing me. My mind went off into two totally different directions as I struggled to figure out what exactly was happening. On one hand this was totally and irreplaceably wrong. And on the other, I found myself wanting to continue with whatever it was that was happening.

I pulled back slowly to look into my brother's eyes. They were glassy and half opened, and his mouth was slightly agape. When it appeared as if I was going to stop, Roxas eyes became almost desperate; sad.

"Ven… I-"

I cut him off by pressing our lips together. I didn't need for him to tell me that he needed me. I slowly pushed him down and my body began reacting on its own. I closed my eyes and used a hand to push the bangs off his forehead, using the other to slowly make my way down his chest. Somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice said: "were getting carried away."But as his arms wrapped around me I left my conscience behind.

How much was too much? Was it even possible to love someone too much?

I didn't know the answers to the questions that popped into my brain. I just knew that my brother, the one who cried into my shoulder when we were little and ask me to hold his hand, needed me. As our lips parted and came together again I felt like nothing else in the world mattered. My lips slowly started to travel away from my brother's lips and went to his jaw, making their way up to his ear and down his neck.

"V-Ven."

My hand reached down to the front of his pants, quickly undoing the button and reaching for the zipper.

"Ven…w-wait" I heard him moan.

I couldn't wait though, not now. His hands gripped my shoulders and tried to shove me back, but I was stronger than him and kept pushing into him.

"Roxas-" I panted heavily.

I pushed his pants and boxers down over his hips and inched myself closer, wrapping my fingers around him and moving with demanding urgency.

"Ven!" Roxas moaned as he writhed against me.

I couldn't take my eyes off him as he moved beneath me. His hands left my shoulders and dug into the carpet as he tried to retain his composure and make as little noise as possible. I knew this feeling was new for him. We both had come close to dating people but couldn't bring ourselves to separate that far from each other. We may have been forced out of our private world a step or too enough to function normally in society, but we weren't far enough out to devote ourselves fully to other people. It was just us, ever since we were little, only us. These thoughts came quick and I stroked him faster, his body shaking as he got closer and closer towards the edge. He made small noises of pleasure in the back of his throat as his hips thrusted into my hands. A moment later…

He came.

We sat together in a stunned silence afterwards, neither of us saying a word to each other for what seemed like hours. My hand hung in the air and I simply stared at it- what had I done? The reality of what had just happened pierced through my drunken mind and nailed me to the floor. I felt like I had betrayed him, for the first time ever in my life- I had hurt my twin. Never in my life, had I felt as dead and alone as I did then.

I started to say my apologies, not knowing what else to do but Roxas stopped me. He told me that I was the only one who was allowed to do that to him. The only one that could. He begged me not to turn away from him because of this, and I reassured him that I wouldn't. He was the person closest to me, he was the one that held my heart, if I turned away from him a left him I knew he would cease to exist. I made a vow to him when we were younger that I would always be there for him and do whatever he asked me to do. I promised him I could never turn away from him, whatever he needed, I would give. He seemed so relieved and we simply held each other until he could bring himself to go get cleaned up. I sat and watched him make his way to our bathroom, leaving me alone in our living room.

From that day on- whenever Roxas needed me in that same way I was there. I'm not sure when my feelings started changing for him, but I knew it was happening regardless.

Classes went on as usual and to everyone else everything was exactly the same. But whenever we were alone we somehow always got into doing sexual things. It wasn't long before he asked me if we could full out have sex. I was taken aback by his request, but again I remembered that vow and the promise I made him. I would be there for Roxas no matter what he asked of me. So I agreed.

"Roxas do you really want to do this?"

It was our first time having sex, and both of us were a little unsure of ourselves. He was laying underneath me, a faint blush tingeing his cheeks as he stared up at me.

"I couldn't do it with anyone else but you." He said quietly.

His eyes were serious, and as I looked down at our naked bodies my heart pounded with desire. Instead of feeling dirty or ashamed, I felt myself wanting to do this. I knew a love like this was forbidden but in that moment I didn't care. I pressed ourselves together, embracing the body that was so like my own until we really were one single being.

I never thought that what we did was as blunt as 'fucking'. Even though I committed this act with my brother I always considered it 'making love'. Fucking was a term used for whores and prostitutes that lined up on the street for money. For people who didn't give a damn about the people they were with. I would never use my brother like that, for any reason. But as the months past I couldn't help but think of how Roxas felt about what we did. He never inclined it to be anything more than what it was. And what was it exactly? I didn't know. It couldn't be that he was just using me for pleasure. No, it had to be more than that, it had to be.

It soon became part of our routine of when we were alone together, which was increasingly becoming most of the time.

Christmas time eventually rolled around, and we found ourselves alone for the holidays. Roxas' friend Axel had went to visit with family, and everyone else sort of did the same as well. A couple of girls named Kairi and Namine wanted to hang out with us but Roxas turned them down.

Probably because he plans on hooking up again when we get home….

Our parents had called and gave us an invitation to come home for a week, but we both didn't see the point in returning to an empty mansion. So we decided to stay at our apartment- alone for the holiday break.

"Do you ever remember us spending anytime with our parents on holidays like this?" Roxas asked me.

We were sitting on the couch, watching some old Christmas special on the TV when his question came seemingly out of the blue. His eyes hadn't even looked away from the screen. Slightly confused at is question I quickly checked my memories of past Christmases and shook my head.

"No, they were either never there or left right after we opened our gifts…why?"

He shrugged from under the woolen blanket he'd wrapped himself in and just kept staring at the screen. I doubted he was even watching the program.

"I just don't ever remember a moment when I wasn't with you is all."

I leaned over and kissed his temple, giving him a kind smile when he looked over at me. "I'll always be with you Roxas."

My hand had somehow managed to cup the side of his face and we were now just staring into each other's eyes. I leaned in to kiss him again, this time placing it on his lips. I meant it to be sweet, but Roxas soon turned it into more. And It wasn't long before we were both totally consumed in one another.

Somehow we made our way from the couch and into the bathroom where we both hastily reached for the knob to turn the shower on. We waited just long enough to shed our clothes and for the water to get warm enough before pulling each other in under the spray. Roxas had been getting more aggressive when we did things lately- but I still didn't know if he felt the same way I did. As he pulled our bodies together and leaned his head against my shoulder I knew then that I loved him, completely and irreplaceably loved him- and not just as my twin brother. I was overcome with a feeling of possessiveness in that moment, and I knew I had to have him right then. Playfully he nipped around my ear, pecking kisses down my neck before biting me on the shoulder hard. I winced and groaned as I felt his teeth sink into my skin, my body burning with desire.

Before I realized it I had pushed him back against the cold titles and was licking my way down his neck and to his collarbone. One hand fisted in his hair and pulled his head back as my other snaked around his middle and pulled him towards me so I could rub myself against him. If he was going to play rough- then so was I. I didn't know how to tell him how I was feeling about him now. That when I saw him in class all I could think about was the way we kissed the night before or how we held each other. That when he asked me to please him I felt as light as air. That when I sat alone all my feeling swirled inside me and got me confused but as soon as he joined me they all melted away. How could I feel that way about someone I was supposed to only see as a sibling?

I reached down and gently stroked him with my fingertips, flicking over the tip and skimming the sides with the lightest of touch. He mouth was at my ear and his breathy moan whispered right into it. I thrusted forward, rubbing our members together and giving a moan of my own. His arms wrapped around my neck and I could hear him murmur tiny pleas into my wet shoulder. We had never made love in the shower before, and as my mind slowly tried to figure out ways to accomplish it I used a hand to slide down Roxas' wet back and caress his rump. My other hand moved from his stiff member to his hip, forcing him to rub up against me and make those little gasps and moans.

His fingers tightened around the back of my neck as I slipped a finger inside him, probing around and trying to find the spot I was looking for.

"Oh god Ven…" He moaned shakily as I continued deviling around inside of him, further forcing his body to shake and thrust up against my own.

I chuckled and bit the top of his ear; I loved him so much that I couldn't stand it. He had to see how I loved him right? He had to know this just wasn't me fulfilling a promise. I tried to express this in words to him- but they just caught in my throat. What if he didn't feel the same? What if I told him that and he was disgusted by it? Nothing about this was normal- so how could I expect him to act? When I thought of him as a lover instead of my identical twin I couldn't predict how he would react. I didn't know what'd he say- if I told him I loved him.

I continued to force his hips to grind against mine, our pace becoming increasing demanding as I stroked him with my fingers from the inside. Roxas released a hand from his death grip on my neck and reached down to stroke himself, his groans and pants echoing off the titles and reverberating around us. My muscles shook from the effort it took to keep standing and my head felt light from the steam wafting around us from the hot water. Roxas' movements became urgent though and I forced myself to keep going. With one final thrust into each other, he came. His arms went back around my neck and his knees buckled, forcing me to carry both our weighs. I grunted and held onto him as the hot spray wash our bodies clean, reaching behind me and turning the knob back to it 'off' position when my own legs threatened to give out.

We climbed out of the shower together and went straight into our bedroom, not even pausing to grab a towel to dry ourselves off in. We fell into a wet pile on top of the sheets, neither one of us caring that the blankets were now in the process of getting soaked. Since we were kids we always shared a bed. It started off as just another way we would console each other in the middle of the night after a nightmare but soon became a necessity. As we got older we merely did it out of habit, and now sharing the bed had even more value, at least to me. I turned my head and stared at him, surprised to find that he was looking at me too. I twisted more fully on my side and leaned over to give him a peck on the forehead; his soaked hair making my lips wet.

I smiled at him and he smiled back, returning my kiss with one of his own placed on my lips. I felt his hand snake over my chest and give it a gentle push, instantly I began to lower myself back down against the sheets, shivering slightly when my semi dry skin touched the soaked bedspread. My legs still protested any movement and I groaned when Roxas moved them to settle in between them. And that's when it hit me, Roxas, was in between mylegs. My eyes shot wide open and I snapped my head up from the cushion of the mattress, my mouth opened to say something but Roxas cut me off.

"Tonight, I'll do it." He said with a serious tone.

My mouth opened and closed several times before it just stayed shut. I was utterly surprised and didn't know quite how to feel. All this time, I had done this for him. Now it was being turned on me. All of these feeling I couldn't quite identify cam swirling through me once more. The fact that this was my brother made it ten times more complicated. I didn't know how it'd come to this. How did my feelings become like this? What part of my mind ever told me this was ok? Suddenly I felt guilty, ashamed. How could I bring my brother to commit an act so foul? What we were doing with each other was wrong- and if anyone ever found out it'd be the end of us. I knot formed in the pit of my stomach as this realization set in.

This all past within seconds and Roxas never noticed as his lips pressed up against mine and his hands started rubbing over me. A betraying groan escaped my lips and my hands desperately clung to the sheets below me. I couldn't think as my brother began his assault on me, I could only just feel. His hands were strong and sure as they caressed my body, making sure to touch every spot and explore every inch of skin before finally focusing on the most sensitive part of me. I moaned into the sheets, my body loving the way his hands touched and teased me.

I tried to get my mind to work- to rationalize what was happening and understand why. But I couldn't come up with any answers. My mind was further thrown into a loop when I felt his lips and tongue glide over my lower stomach, heading towards my groin. My body tensed as it realized what was about to happen, and I couldn't stop the sound that escaped my lips as his mouth playfully licked and kissed my sensitive skin.

"Roxas- w-what are you- Nhgn!" I couldn't hold my composure as his mouth began moving up and down my length, causing little sucking and slurping noises to escape into the room.

I thought he was going to end it there but as his mouth removed itself from me and I felt something hard nudge me a little lower- I knew he was going to go further.

"Roxas I-"

"It hurts a little at first," he interrupted me- reaching to grab a bottle of lotion we now kept on the bedside table. "But it starts to feel really good as you get used to it." He squirted a dollop of the stuff into his hand and started rolling it around with his fingers. I was still struggling to get words out of my throat, but could only make it work enough to get out little grunts and gasping sounds. He rubbed a bit of the lotion onto himself and then looked at me straight in the eyes, "I want you to feel the way I do when you do it to me."

And just like that, his fingers began to make their way inside me. I tensed up without realizing it, making his progress slow and more painful for me. I watched him grit his teeth as he attempted to probe deeper inside me, each move making the pain grow more. I was completely in a realm of different sensations as his fingers continued to work at me. My body was reacting fine enough but my mind couldn't move past the fact the Roxas wantedto do this to me. He said he wanted me to feel the way he feels but what did that mean? Simply being on the receiving end of things or something more? Again I had no answers, and it left me completely and utterly frustrated.

My inner thoughts were put on hold as I felt Roxas' hand withdraw. Part of me though he was going to stop and admittedly got a little relieved, but I soon realized that wasn't what was happening. Roxas had a hand on my knee and the other was on his hard member- positioning it at my entrance. I realized then that my breathing was extremely heavy and I was blushing all over. I gazed at Roxas through half lidded eyes, and moaned as he slowly started easing his way into me. His hands then gripped my things, spreading them further apart to make room for his hips that were moving ever closer to mine. The pain I felt was unimaginable but was nothing to the pleasure that came behind it. Suddenly- I felt the overwhelming urge to hold Roxas, to feel his skin move against mine and wait as the pressure built up inside of me until it became too much. I wasn't sure if I liked him inside of me as much as I liked being inside of him but right then it didn't matter. I needed him, in the same way he needed me.

"Roxas" I called out as he began to move a grind against me.

I wrapped my fingers around his arms that were braced around me, using them as supports as I tried to hold on to the waves of pleasure rolling through me. My body shook as he hit my pleasure spot again and again. Little squeaks and whines that escaped the back of my throat made my face burn with embarrassment, but Roxas didn't seem to care. His thrusts started coming harder and faster, and I struggled to breathe as the pleasure became too much and finally overtook me. I called out his name as I came, a stream of white shooting up into the air and splattering across my belly. Roxas collapsed against me, his panting rivaling mine as we both struggled to catch our breaths.

My skin burned but that didn't stop me from wrapping my arms around him and keeping him close to me as our hearts reached a normal pace and beat as one. He fell asleep like that, and it was only a good twenty minutes after that that I realized what we were still laying in. carefully, I moved Roxas off me and rolled him onto his back. I stared at him for a few moments before rising slowly to my feet and making my way towards the bathroom. I was aware of a slight ache in my lower back and behind, and was faintly aware that the pain I felt now would most likely double in the morning, but I couldn't bring myself to care because all I cared about in that moment was getting clean. After using a washcloth to clean off my belly and between my butt cheeks I hobbled back into the bedroom, cleaning off Roxas as well before slipping into bed with him and getting us both under the covers.

I still didn't know if this meant Roxas felt the same towards me but in the morning I would find out, for now though I needed sleep, and I went to bed thinking exactly that.

I was right about my butt hurting the next day. When I woke up I was laying face down and there was a painful throbbing emanating from backside. I groaned into the pillows and pulled my torso up away from the sheets, balancing my weight on my forearms. I squinted to look at the clock before finally figuring out it was almost past noon. Sighing, I felt like doing nothing more than lying in that spot all day and that's when I noticed.

Roxas wasn't there with me.

I looked around the room confusedly as I tried to make my tired mind work. I couldn't hear any movement coming from outside of our room but it could have been that he was just moving around quietly and trying not to wake me up. Hesitantly I called out his name, waiting to see if there was a response. There was none. I managed to get up on all fours, hissing in pain when I rocked backwards to try and sit.

Apparently I wasn't going to be doing much of thattoday.

Gritting my teeth I carefully eased my way out of the bed, making my movements slow and cautious as I shuffled across the carpet with my bare feet. I felt my eyebrows pull together as my mind worked to understand what was happening. Why would Roxas leave? And where would he go?

"Roxas?" I called out hesitantly as I opened the door to our bedroom and stepped out into the hallway.

Again I received no answer, so I stepped back inside the room and resolved to at least put some boxers on before I went wandering though my house. I got a clean pair from the dresser and sluggishly put them on. Bending down wasn't something I wanted to be doing at that point.

Boxers on, I hobbled out the door and down the hall. At least some part of me had expected my brother to be out there and when I glanced around the room and noticed his absence my heart sank. He had left me alone, on the day before Christmas. Frowning I went to the kitchen to see if he had bothered to leave any note for me before heading out on whatever excursion he was on. When I saw the little piece of paper peeking out from the microwave I gave a little sigh of relief. I didn't know where he had gone but I was sure now it was nothing to get myself worked up about. He was probably out getting grocery's or something we needed to celebrate the holidays with. I plucked the note from in between the microwave door and set it down on the counter. Before I read it I wanted to get some pain pills out from the medicine cabinet to help me with my sore bottom.

I retrieved the pills from the medicine basket we kept in one of the overhead cabinets and fished out the Tylenol bottle. Shaking out two of the little capsules I went to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle from off the side shelf. I untwisted the cap and placed the pills into my mouth, washing them down with a quick swig of water before moving over and picking up the note. I continued to sip my water slowly as my eyes started reading the scribbled out words on the paper. And my heart sank.

Going out with Kairi and Namine!
Don't know when I'll be back
Make sure you take it easy today ok?

-Roxas

I stared at those words on the paper, willing them to change and say something different. I closed my eyes tightly as all my emotions finally bubbled up inside me, causing tears to roll down off my cheeks. This was my answer- the one I had been asking myself. Roxas didn't feel the same way for me. All this was to him was just playtime, practice- I felt like I was going to throw up. I smiled sadly to myself; well of course he wouldn't feel that way about me. I was his twin, his twin! How could I fool myself into believing that two brothers could love each other like that? It was sick, wrong.And yet I couldn't bring myself to hate him. He was normal, natural. It was me with the fucked up delusions and illogical feelings.

Make sure I take it easy?

I shook my head as I balled my fist and crumpled the note in him hand. Thanks Roxas you really seem so concerned for me. I didn't know why Roxas had ran to hang out with Kairi and Namine but in my enraged mind I could only conclude that he was either fucking on or both of them.

He wanted practice being on top so he could go have sex with other people…. I was just his practice doll.

I threw the crumpled ball of paper as hard as I could towards the trash can. Causing the small thing to wobble and almost topple over. I stood there and let the anger just roll through me, but it soon gave way to a feeling of utter devastation. I had destroyed myself in the process of loving my brother, and I couldn't go back to how I was before. I had lost the person who was the closest to me- and for the first time in my life, I felt alone.It wasn't in my nature to feel this way. I was usually happy and upbeat and to feel this way now left me feeling lost. Well, I was feeling a lot of things then, but nothing more than the feeling of being alone and shattered. My heart was in tiny pieces, floating away from me bit by bit until I was nothing more than a shell.

Tears were still pouring from my eyes, but I wept silently. I would wait till he got back. I would wait for him to come home and then I would tell him. I couldn't do this anymore; I couldn't love someone who felt nothing towards me in return. I glanced at the clock it was just starting to roll around one. Not knowing when my brother would return I made my way into our bathroom. I felt like a zombie, and I didn't allow myself to think of anything as I turned on the water and immersed myself under the spray. The water was hot, and I simply stood under it and let it wash over me.

I stayed in the shower until I the water turned cold and my whole body felt like jelly. I climbed out and used the wall as a support, grabbing a towel off the rack before exiting the bathroom and going back into the bedroom. I toweled myself off and then picked out a comfy sweatshirt and pajama pants to wear. I had been in the shower for an entire hour and Roxas still wasn't home. I stared down at the floor, at a complete loss of what to do. Finally I decided I was tired, I looked to the bed and frowned. I didn't want to lie in the spot where we had just been together the night before, so sighing I took a pillow from the mattress and walked out of the room. I paused in the hallway in front of the linen closet, grabbing a warm blanket before moving onwards to the couch. I flopped onto the couch, utterly exhausted both physically and mentally. Within minutes of curling up under the blankets I was asleep.

The sound of the door clicking shut woke me from my sleep and I tiredly opened my eyes.

Roxas had just closed the door, he smile widely at me when he noticed that I was awake. I just stared. Of course he would be happy and carefree; his whole world hadn't fallen apart today.

"Hey…" He said softly, coming towards me with a small wrapped bag in his hand.

Great he got a present from them.

He kneeled down in front of me, still wearing that same endearing smile. I was enraged that he got to be so happy while I was suffering so much. It was unfair. I ground my teeth together angrily, my glare boring into him. His lips started to fall as he realized something wasn't right, and he had the nerve to look concerned.

"Ven, what's wrong?"

His hand reached out towards my forehead.

Get away from me…"Are you sick?"

Don't touch me…"You have a fever, are you ok-"

"Don't touch me!" I cried out, smacking his hand away from me and moving back against the couch.

His eyes widened and he looked- hurt.

"Ven what's-"

"I'm sick of this!" I screamed. Tears came pouring down my face as my emotions took a hold of me. He tried to place his hands on my shoulders but I squirmed away from him, jumping up from the couch and blankets to stand across from him. He stayed kneeling on the floor in front of me, looking up at me with confused eyes.

"All this time I've never said anything because you needed me but I can't take it anymore!" I cried. My heart was beating rapidly now, and all I want to do was scream my frustrations out. I had kept everything pent up inside until now, and there was no stopping the words that left my mouth.

"You have no idea-" I said slowly, "How it feels to love someone, who doesn't feel the same way for you!" My tears were running down my face, and my fists were balled.

"Wait a sec Ven-" Roxas began, rising from his knees and attempting to hold me.

I held my arms up in front of my face and he grabbed them, trying to wrestle them aside so he could see my face.

"Let go of me! Don't touch me!" I yelled.

He finally got my arms to separate and began inching his face closer to mine. I twisted and turned, trying to get away but I couldn't. He forced his face close to my and smashed our lips together. I lifted my leg and kicked him in the shin, the blow making him fall to his knees and the pain from jerking my leg causing me to do the same. I immediately tried to get away from him but he caught me in his arms, making it impossible for me to move.

"Ven stop!" he yelled hoarsely.

But I couldn't stop; I was hurt- trampled, dead. I writhed against him but couldn't break his hold, finally resigning myself to laying my head on his shoulder. My tears rolled off my checks and fell onto his shoulder, making it wet within moments. My sobs wracked my body and my breathing was erratic. Roxas was panting, and his arms held me to him like steel bars.

"Ven, what happened?" Roxas asked me a moment later.

I was crying too much to respond to him, and I felt his arms squeeze me tighter in response.

"You used me!" I finally choked out. "It's been a game, this entire time it's all just been a game to you!"

"What are you talking about!"

"You left damn it! You left!" I grabbed the back of his shirt and tried to push him away, desperate to be away from his embrace. "You went out with fucking Namine and Kairi! Two girls I know have a crush on you! And you leftme to be with them."

"Roxas-"

"Shut up!" I screamed, pushing against him again. I broke away momentarily but his arms soon grabbed a hold of my shoulders again.

He held me at arm's length, trying to look into my eyes as I turned my face away from him. He was breathing heavy and his hands were digging in through my sweater and into my skin. I sobbed as he just sat and stared at me, unable to say anything to console me. I was spiraling downwards, and nothing could break my fall.

"Ven,"

His tone had me opening my eyes and turning my head to look at him. His face was grim and he looked like his heart was aching.

Bullshit

"No one could ever come close to being as important to me as you."

My eyes widened in shock as those words left his mouth. I didn't hear any lies in his words but I was too hurt now to listen to him. I started to try and break away from him again but his grip was firm.

"When we started doing this I was really confused, but deep down I felt like you were the only person I could share those experiences with. I felt like a psycho, doing things like that with you but at the same time it felt right." He paused and pulled me to him, crushing me in his embrace. "You've always been what's most important to me Ven, ever since we were little."

"I love you Ven…I never said anything before because I thought you knew… but I really do love you, more than what I should."

I lay slack in his arms, shocked. My mind was blown away by what had happened in the last few minutes and I was trying to desperately catch up. Suddenly I felt so light, like a giant weight had been lifted off me. My twin, this person who looked so much like me, who shared the same traits and thoughts, now shared my feelings. My hands no longer tried to push him away and instead brought him closer. We held each other in our arms and didn't let go for a long time. Eventually though Roxas pushed me back and I let him. We looked into each other's eyes and smiled as our comfortable silence stretched on.

"I got you something today." He said with a soft smile.

"What?" I asked confusedly, my mind still a mess and not working properly.

He got up from the floor and walked over to the couch. He reached under the blankets and brought back the little bag he had when he first had come through the door. He sat back down in front of me and held the bag out with two fingers.

"It's where I was all day with Namine and Kairi." He said as I took the bag from him.

I looked at him expectedly and he nodded for me to open it. I looked down to the small decorative bag and noticed it had Christmas decorations all over it. Hesitantly, I took out the red and green colored tissue paper and dumped out the contents. A small rectangular box plopped into the palm of my hand and I glanced up at Roxas again. He smiled and again signaled for me to open it. Looking back down at the box, I traced its edges before removing the lid.

"Merry Christmas Ven." He said a moment before I peeled the top away.

I gasped. Inside there was a intricately designed silver key, attached to a thin chain. It looked strange though, instead of going straight of it bended backwards in the other direction, and there was spiky almost clockwork looking pieces of metal sticking out in between the bend. One straight piece of metal shoot of almost at the tip of the key, and a small little chain dangled -broken looking- at the end of the keys handle. I started at it- baffled before I heard Roxas start to chuckle. I looked up at him- opening my mouth to protest his chuckles when I saw him reaching for the collar of his shirt.

I saw the glint of a small metal chain peek out from under his collar before he presented me with a key that looked identical to mine, but flipped. My eyebrows came together in confusion but he stopped me before I had a chance to say something. Gently, he inched closer to me and took the necklace from my hands. He unhooked the clasp and placed the necklace around my neck, his fingers gliding along the chain until it came to the key at the end. He held the ornament in his hand and reached with his other to his own necklace. Wordlessly he brought the two charms together, making them one. A gasp elicited from my mouth as I stared at the piece our necklaces had made. They had come together to make a combining key, meeting each other where they bent and suddenly went off in opposing directions. The clock work pieces lined up, and the straight metal piece stuck straight out from the tips of the keys.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I noticed small etched marks that were scrawled across were the pieces met. I had to squint to make out the words, which were delicately carved in small cursive.

Always a part of my heart

I had no words to express the way I felt in that single moment, so instead I showed him. I gazed into his eyes for a split second before slowly wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my lips delicately with his.

Our combined love and our passion had us entangled in each other within minutes. We didn't need words to explain to one another how we both felt in that moment. Our hearts and minds were both in sync as clothes left our skin and were replaced by light touches a kisses.

We used to just be brothers. Ones that were as close as those relations allowed. We would joke and laugh about stupid things, our feelings were just a pure and innocent bond of love.

I knew we had tainted that love, into something that never should bloom.

Those feelings had been building up inside of us though- and neither one of us was strong enough to stop it from happening.

The only thing that was running through my mind as I embraced my brother was this:

It's has to be him, it has to be Roxas…

Never in my life had I loved someone as much as him, and never could I love anyone else like that.

Is there a limit, a boundary to the feeling of love?

As our bodies moved and rubbed against each other I felt both of hearts beating in perfect harmony. So I didn't worry about the future, or what we would do... I just focused on the body that fit so well against mine.

All that mattered was that we had this now, here alone with just ourselves, in our own secret world.

After thoughts:

I actually had a pretty rough time with this One-shot, being as the two people i was writing about we indentical twins and what-not. But i still enjoyed typing up every second of it :) and the random aim conversations going the whole time between me and my Yuu-chan!~

Yuu-chan, i hope you've enjoyed your present and i can't wait to stop typing this and go read mine! (you have less than 20 minutes to finish btw so go! go! go! XD) I enjoyed staying up until 4 in the morning with you yesterday and can't wait for the next time our yaoi brains get to work and require it of us again! Merry Christmas my dear Yuu-chan :3 3!

To my random readers who i dont know thank you for reading! :) I hope I did a good job conveying the complicated feelings of two brother's in love with one another and all that Taboo-ey goodness! Review if you have the time! It makes me more inspired and motivated to write for you all!

Merry Christmas and happy Yaoi New Year!

- with love 3 CupOpebbles :)