The Prince's Harem

Disclaimer – Not mine, sigh, just messing around. I decided to do my own take on the movie "Easy A" about the rumor mill that exists in schools – as well as in almost any workplace. I would apologize for the occasional dirty joke – but I was having far too much fun with it.

Chapter 1 – How getting his drawers removed saved Severus' life.

If the Marauders had known the outcome and long-reaching effects of their actions, they'd have slit their own wrists before doing that prank. As luck would have it, though, they went ahead. I was hardly greatful at the time, hanging upside down from a spell I'd invented.

I'd also just pushed away my only friend with a horrible insult – but I was tired of being her barely tolerated sidekick – the embarassing friend. Plus, I suspected her of treachery – she was the only one I'd shown the Levicorpus spell to. Years later I found out that Potter and Black had been spying on us under the invisibility cloak.

Anyway I hung there, hardly caring that they were threatening to 'pants' me. I was horrified, of course when they actually did it, though the immediate concert of numerous gasps and then silence was interesting.

"Merlin!, do you see that?" One older Ravenclaw girl squeaked.

"Wow, now we know why the Slytherin symbol is a snake." Her friend choked.

There was alot of whispers and I noticed that all four marauders were staring at my crotch in horrified jealousy. James abruptly dropped me and I hastily did up by pants.

"Who knew that Snape had a basilisk in his pants?" A Hufflepuff seventh year joked.

Three Slytherins appeared from the crowd and marched me away before I could do more than glare at the marauders. I noticed, of course the speculative gleam in many female eyes as I left. I wondered what use I could make of all of this, I needed to go somewhere and plan.

The Slytherins – Avery, McNair and Rosier - gave me my first clues.

"Oi, where have you been hiding that?" Avery barked.

"What will it take to keep you away from our girls?" Rosier asked desperately. He was engaged to a willful idiot who put out for anyone. She seemed to feel that since her contract of marriage to Evan magically bound her to be faithful, that she needed to try everyone else before they married.

I thought swiftly. "Well, since you are fellow Slytherins ... " They looked at me hopefully. "I need new robes – if you get me a set, I won't go after your girlfriends." They looked too relieved and I remembered that they were rather rich. "A set each, of course." I added.

They still looked happy, so I vowed to find out from the next victim ahead of time, exactly what they were willing to shell out to keep me away from their girl. I told the trio my robe size and measurements, and told them to add charms for them to grow with me that would last at least two years – that would get me through school. They nodded eagerly and trotted off.

Interesting, I thought.

I settled into a chair by the fire, pretending to read a potions manual and thinking of ways to use this in the two weeks before the leaving feast. I'd barely scratched the surface of several possibilities when I was suddenly surrounded by avidly curious sixth and seventh year Slytherin boys.

"Umm – Avery showed us an interesting memory in LeStrange's pensive ... we didn't believe him when he told us, you see..." My crotch got another unsubtle perusing. "So, who've you been doing, then?"

Of course – they could not imagine that I hadn't known I could apparently get my pick of girls with my ... um, 'package'. I simply shrugged and tried to look casual. "It's ungentlemanly to ... shall we say ...'kiss and tell'." I dodged the question rather ungracefully.

They were amused, anyway, and rather loud gaffaws followed my response along with a few dirty jokes. They immediately named off girls known to be 'easy', trying to see if I reacted to any. I just raised an eyebrow and smiled – and took note of the names.

"He's probably had them all, the sly dog!" One sixth year exclaimed. I just laughed – which seemed to mean they'd guessed right. There was alot of back-slapping and nudging of elbows. There were plans to needle alot of Gryffindors over the fact that Slytherins had 'the biggest'.

I sneered at their juvenile dick measuring. They assumed I was sneering at the Gryffindors – which I usually was. They finally drifted off and I went back to planning. I had thought about going to beg Lily's forgiveness, and I did plan to apologize for the insult – but the whole circumstance had been extreme – and if she'd really been my friend she'd have been hexing Potter and Black instead of talking to them and practically flirting with James over it all.

A brief thought that when she heard about 'the basilisk' I might have a way to win her back. I discarded the notion, I had loved Lily for years – but if the only way I could 'win' her was that way – well, she wasn't the girl I had thought her to be. Besides, the playing field had changed ... I now had the possibility of attracting others. I glanced at a nearby mirror ... but I really should do something about my looks.

Lily had always insisted that looks didn't matter and that she 'accepted' me as I was, so I'd done nothing about my appearance, as she seemed to prefer it. It only sank in, today, that she wasn't going to look at me 'that way' either, so her words meant nothing.

One by one as I sat there, the fifth and sixth years with steady girlfriends came over, requesting that I not go after their girlfriends. I thought out my 'requests' a bit more. I knew that Lily and those like her would be appalled at this 'blackmail', but to us Slytherins it made perfect sense. I got something and they got reassurance that their 'girls' were safe. Slytherin honor insisted that we both keep our promises, so everyone was happy.

One boy was to get me dragonhide boots that had expansion charms to last two years. Two others would be getting me pants and shirts with the same charms – good quality, for once. A really rich brat in sixth year, who was sweating over his pretty Ravenclaw fiance that disliked him, promised to give me his extra trunk that had all sorts of wizardspace charms and extra large drawers – he even swore it had a library charm in it. I graciously agreed to not even smile at her.

A couple of smarter boys offered stacks of books, potions making hardware and expensive – or rare potions ingredients to me. I made lists of books and ingredients that I knew I would need. At last after I had a new wardrobe, a trunk – which was soon to be full of books and potions stuff - the final Slytherin came over to cut his deal with me.

Andrew was a seventh year, so by rights he shouldn't have to worry about me – except his 'beloved' was in sixth year and would be 'here alone with me for a year', so he had more to worry about than others, he felt.

I had been waiting for him, when I realized he'd been watching the negotiations and sweating nervously. I was glad he was at my mercy at present. I had plans, now. Getting a Potions Mastery could be a long, drawn out experience. There were several prerequisites before the year of apprenticing to a Master. One had to spend time with a Herbologist, learning more in-depth information about plant ingredients. Then time with a someone who supplied other ingredients that came from animals or minerals. After that there was an entire list of simpler potions one had to create under the supervision of a Brewer or Apothocary or a Potions Master – if you could find one who would deign to bother. Each potion had 'to be signed off on'.

Andrew could get me one step closer. His family had a dozen enormous greenhouses that grew ingredients. I could do part of my herbology work this summer, if he got his father to agree. I felt he would be sufficiently motivated to get agreement, especially after I offered to 'help keep an eye on his girl' for him ... if he could think of a supplier of animal and mineral ingredients that might let me get that part done as well.

Andrew nodded eagerly and ran off to send off owls. I sank back in my chair in a euphoric haze. My life had certainly changed ... and all within a few hours. I grabbed a few sandwiches from the charmed platter that was always on a sideboard in the common room and went to my dorm. I could count on happy dreams, tonight.

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The next day I took care with my shower – getting my hair really clean, for once. It always seemed a waste of time, since I would invariably end up over a cauldron getting it greasy again. I used my sudden popularity to get someone to show me the charm to clean my teeth a sparkling white.

Avery already had his set of new robes ready for me. Rosier and McNair nervously said theirs would be along the next day. I smiled and nodded, and they trouped down to breakfast with me. This was a good thing, as we met a lot of sullenly angry Gryffindors that were glaring at me, likely because there were many Gryffindor girls giggling and pointing at me.

By the time I got to the Great Hall I was faintly awestruck at the amount of chaos my being 'pantsed' had caused. As I ate – keeping my head down – I managed to cast several nonverbal eavesdropping spells at the best Hogwarts gossips.

I found to my surprise that – according to stories - I was a 'very hung' young stud with at least a dozen girls that I managed to keep happy at one time. The list of names of girls I was seeing impressed me – I was apparently traveling in higher social circles than I thought. I was also being invited by 'Playwitch' to do a centerfold – and was being paid an enormous sum for this that quite astonished me. There were several salacious stories about my sexual prowess that made me blush, as I'd had no idea that several of those positions were even possible.

By the time I was done listening I didn't know whether to be amused, disgusted or insulted. Since I was good at multi-tasking I decided on all three.

I mused that if I was a female I would be wearing a large scarlet A on my chest by now, I wondered what they would say if I loudly anounced I was still a virgin. They likely wouldn't believe it. Well – I may as well confirm their opinions and have some fun with it. There was less than two weeks until the leaving feast so there was little the teachers could do to me.

I rose, with the eyes of most of the hall on me and went all the way over to the Hufflepuff table, my eyes on two 'Puffs' that were though 'quite easy'. The table seemed to be collectively holding their breath. I leaned down between the two seventh years and gave them a rather smirking smile. "I am in need of books on Herbology – I'm going to try for my pre-mastery work this summer – do you have any suggestions?"

They stuttered out some blushing answers and the table strained to hear us as I'd almost been whispering. I finally interupted their nonsense. "I'll be in the library at 2 – after lunch if you have the names of any books to give me." I smiled down the table at the sixth and fifth years, making the females quiver and sauntered over to the next table – Ravenclaw.

I leaned down to speak to a group of sixth year girls that were huddled together and repeated my request. They blinked at the request for books and information, likely wondering if this was code for something else. I told them "the library at 2", as well and they all nodded their heads.

I was in luck and Lily was near the end of the Gryffindor table, though surrounded by other Gryffindor girls. The Marauders and some others rose to their feet – like I might strip off and attack the girls in front of them. I simply looked at the angry, blushing Lily and almost didn't bother.

"I'm very sorry I insulted you in that manner yesterday, Lily." I gave my apology in sincere, but not pleading tones. "I'm afraid I let ... what was happening make me lose my temper on the wrong person, and I do apologize for that." Whatever Lily was going to respond with was drowned out by her Gryffindor girlfriends and the sputtering Marauders.

I didn't bother to acknowledge whatever they were saying and turned on my heel and went to the Slytherin table and took a seat, leaving them talking to themselves. This seemed to aggravate them further, but McGonagall was tapping her glass and ordering them silent. I eyed the Head table, suddenly curious about their reactions. Their gazes ranged from confusion – from Sprout, amusement – from Flitwick and Vector, distaste – from McGonagall and Babbling, and a rather insulting amount of alarm from Slughorn and Dumbledore. The others were either oblivious or they didn't care.

I expected no less from the Headmaster, but Slughorn I didn't understand – unless he was dismayed to find he'd overlooked a possible asset. He already slighted me regularly in Potions class since I had no societal ties that would be of use to him.

The Slytherin table was remarkably silent over my apology to Lily. They likely sensed that sneering at me at present would not sway me ... and it was possible that Lily wouldn't accept it and render the point moot. I did hope she would renew our friendship, I missed her a bit already, but I was determined to no longer be the submissive sidekick and grovel for crumbs of affection from her.

My Ancient Runes OWL was right after breakfast and took me right up to lunch. Lunch was equally interesting to eavesdrop on. The two Hufflepuff girls had come up with very interesting tales about my exploits with them. The details of our supposed assignations could have been straight from a muggle porn movie. I was far more athletic, according to them, than I would have ever guessed.

A couple of seventh year Ravenclaw also boasted of having 'done it' with me. Since they were graduating the following week, there would be few repercussions from "telling all about it". Being Ravenclaws, they'd read up on things and I suspected they were quoting from the Kama Sutra when they were bragging about the numerous positions I knew and how good it had been.

I wearily realized that when bragging about sex, no one was ever going to say it had been 'average' or 'crappy', not when it had not really happened. The entire point of boasting about a fictional shagging was to say it had been 'brilliant'.

I glanced at Lily, who was blushing and likely having to field questions about me.

I met the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaws in the library at 2 – along with a very large percent of the rest of Hogwarts. There were also more teachers there than I'd ever seen before. Maybe they thought I was going to whip it out and show everyone that hadn't already seen it. The girls all had lists of books they thought might be useful – some of them even had the books themselves. The seventh year girls insisted they wouldn't be needing the books they gave me, and I sincerely thanked them.

They must of felt they owed me the books after the salacious lies they'd just recently told about us. I wasn't about to hold a grudge, though, as I'd started the whole thing. I spent a happy hour trading information on pre-mastery experience needed to become Potions Masters with my group of blushing girls. Two of the Ravenclaws intended to get their Mastery in Potions as well, and thought my idea of getting ahead during the summer was quite ambitious and clever.

The 'meeting' was actually quite fun, taking the place of my old study sesssions with Lily – back in third year when she was still fun and not on my back constantly about the Slytherins. As if I could avoid ever seeing or hanging about with members of my own house. In fourth year she'd started being twitchy about them and in fifth she'd gotten insufferable. I'd missed this – discussing school-work and theorizing about things. Talking with the two Ravenclaws that were 'into potions' was particularly satisfying.

We soon had an agreement to meet in the library at two every day – though not everyone could get there every day. We would try to keep in touch over the summer, at least a bit, and tenative plans were made to restart the study group again next year. I soon had an entire parchment full of girls names and owl addresses. Out of the corner of my eye I could see several male Gryffindor faces turning purple in outrage ... one of them was Sirius Black's and it did warm my heart ... I hoped he popped an aneurysm.

Within days I had accrued a slew of 'study partners' that took up several tables. Some of them, I knew weren't there to study, but to share in the notoriety of hanging aroung with me. The ones who were really interested in studying or in corresponding over the summer regarding studies were at the main table. Those that were just there because they were friends with my main study partners or just basking in the glow of badness from being anywhere near a boy who was so notorious were at adjoining tables.

The final week of school was a study in the irritation that people can cause who totally believe the rumor mill without question. I was shocked at the number of otherwise intelligent people who not only believed every single story, but tended to embelish on them with their own ideas of what likely 'went on' when I was alone with a girl before passing them on. I got very good at the eavesdropping spell.

I was extra careful to always travel in a pack and to never actually be alone with anyone of the female persuasion, though unfortunately I still got hexed occasionally in the hallways. To my grim satisfaction several of my posse were prefects and they yelled quite a few lectures at the Gryffindor boys – the marauders in particular – while taking all the points they were allowed.

Flitwick and Sprout seemed to also be following me about a lot and on two occasions added detentions to the points loss. My happiness was once again complete.

Lily was able to catch me in the library and pull me aside – careful to keep the two of us in plain sight of everyone. She put up a silencing charm with a flushed face.

"I can't believe that you have hidden this part of your life from me so very well, Severus." Lily said stiffly. "I suppose it had to come out eventually ..." She trailed off, turning scarlet – likely at the thought of exactly what had 'come out' due to James' prank.

I stifled my sneer down to a faint smirk. "I'm a bit surprised that you believe all the rumors. If I was really that busy with women this whole year, when would I have had time to be in the labs and library?"

Lily frowned, still blushing a little. "I don't know ... but they can't all be lies or exagerations."

Actually they could be ... and were all wrong, I thought meanly back at her. "Have you seen me ... yourself ... doing anything wrong over the past week?" I asked angrily. She shook her head uncertainly. "Are there any complaints from the girls I've been hanging around with?" She shook her head again. "Then what is exactly wrong, then? Rumors aside ... have I done anything wrong?"

"No, but at the rate that Gryffindors have been owling their parents ... well my mum has gotten friendly with a couple of other muggle-borns mums. She's sure to hear about all this. She'll likely ban me from seeing you this summer." She almost sounded sorry. But her defiant look and blushes told me she now found a whole new dimension of embarassment when it came to having me as a friend.

My heart twinged a little, but she was right, Rose Evans would be horrified by the letters and believe everything. Petunia hated me and constantly harped on how I would 'go bad', this would totally push Lily's mum over the edge. Last summer I'd overheard Rose hesitantly asking Lily if she shouldn't 'rethink' being so close with me or 'being alone with that boy so much'. Lily's response of laughter and 'oh, Sev's harmless' had hurt a little, but I'd decided to take it that she trusted me instead of the fact she would never dream of thinking of me in sexual terms.

Now, it was hardly seemed worth the fight. "It dosen't matter, Lily." I responded in an even voice. "I won't be home for more than a few days, this summer. She looked shocked and puzzled – whether from my offhand tone at her rejection or the fact I wouldn't be home, I wasn't sure.

I walked back to the library table and resumed our conversations. The Hufflepuffs were too kind to ask questions, the Ravenclaws too smart and Slytherins too cunning to pry where they weren't wanted. I couldn't wait to leave for the summer, now. The triumph of having risen from sneered at obscurity now ashes.

I was determined, now, to learn to make other friends. Looking around at all the girls sitting at the library table with me, eagerly listening to every word. I forced a smile out ... I had a good start.

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A/N – I remember the high school rumor mill very well. Got a few bruises myself from it, myself.