Lonely Hearts
"Severus. Please." Albus looked up from his desk, his expression completely depressed. Severus, sat in the armchair by the window, reading his latest Potions journal, glanced at him. "Headmaster." He frowned, "Not this again."
"Please, Severus, I need your help. I can't do it myself!" Albus protested.
"Headmaster, although I am usually your accomplice in your sordid schemes, such as tricking Minerva—"
"That was funny, you have to admit. Her face." Albus chuckled to himself. "And the flour."
"It was a bad idea. I could not sleep for weeks. She can be terrifying when she is out for revenge..." Severus folded his arms, "Therefore, I refuse to help you with this."
"But I don't know what to say!" Albus exclaimed, "I don't have any experience in these matters!"
"And I do?" Severus challenged, "Is that what you are suggesting, Headmaster?"
Albus seemed to consider this for a moment. "Well, no. You are possibly more inexperienced than I..." He stood up and waved his hands in defence when Severus glared at him, "But, Severus, you still have the ladies asking after you! You know, I think that you are the heartthrob of the school. Dark, mysterious, brooding..."
"Headmaster. You are making me feel ill. My answer, once again, is no. Now, please allow me to continue reading my book."
Albus relented, sitting back down in his chair and picking up his quill. For the moment, there was silence disturbed only by the scratching of Albus' pen across his parchment.
And then. "How about this? 'Mature, kind and easy-going man seeks like-minded individual for magical fun and games?'"
Severus had clearly had enough of this conversation, "Albus. I am not helping you to find a life partner by putting some sleazy advertisement in the Daily Prophet!"
"But I am lonely, Severus, and I need someone to...well...you know..."
"Screw?" Severus put in with a wicked grin.
"Severus! Build a life with, possibly!" Albus practically exploded—but Severus couldn't help laughing at the blush on his Headmaster's cheeks. "I can see that you will not help me willingly. Therefore, I must resort to blackmail." He reached into the drawer of his desk and pulled out a photograph. "Unless you agree to help me, this photograph will find itself distributed throughout the Gryffindor Common Room."
Eyes widening, Severus leapt up, "Where did you get that?"
"I am sure the idea of Professor Snape and Professor Grubby-Plank...being slightly...compromised...at the Christmas party in 1992 would make wonderful gossip..." Albus smirked at Severus, who was staring at him, mortified. "You wouldn't."
"I would." Albus leaned forward, "So. What's it to be, dear boy?"
Severus tried to grab the photograph, but Albus was too quick for him. "Give it to me!"
Albus put the picture out of Severus' grasp, and when Severus attempted to knock him over, there was a flash of red and gold, a swipe of claws, and Severus looked up to see Fawkes swoop back to the top of the bookcase, the potentially destructive picture clutched in his beak. "Damned bird!" Severus stood at the bottom of the bookcase, glaring up at Fawkes, who stared back. He looked smug.
Albus was reflecting the expression, "I wouldn't, Severus. Fawkes has a rather nasty beak."
Severus turned to meet Albus. "Fine. I'll help. As long as you burn that photograph when we are done."
"Excellent, my dear child. Come and sit with me. You can come up with something stellar, I am sure."
Severus muttered something under his breath, which sounded much like, "Victimised Potions Master seeks assassin to dispatch problem-making bastard Headmaster..."
Albus laughed, "So bitter in defeat. I can see why Voldemort likes you so much."
Severus was still muttering away to himself, but he did sit down in the chair opposite the desk and pulled a piece of parchment toward him. "What impression would you like to give?"
"Oh. I don't know. Something about being incredibly intelligent and generally regarded as a hero by much of the Wizarding World..."
"But modest too?" Severus interrupted, and Albus nodded, not detecting the sarcasm. "Yes. Write it down."
"I have it. Old man seeks like-minded individual to share wholesome activities such as knitting and sherbet lemons..." Severus smiled at this, and the look that Albus cast him.
"I preferred my one." Albus shot back.
"Albus. Surely you don't want people to guess it is you. How about you leave it with me, and I will conjure something up?" Severus pacified.
Albus regarded him for a long moment, "Severus. I know that you are my greatest friend, but still...can I really trust you with matters of the heart, such as this?"
Severus waved his hand, "I am a heartthrob, Headmaster! And also..." His eyes glanced up to Fawkes, "If that gets out, my reputation will be ruined."
Albus twinkled. "Very well. With that hanging over your head, I shall let you go. I expect something...genius, my dear boy. And don't forget..." He added as Severus started to leave, "Fawkes doesn't sleep. So that photograph could end up...anywhere...whenever I command..."
His sentence was punctuated by the loud slamming of a door.
Three hours later, Severus returned to the Headmaster's office. He put the piece of parchment down on the desk, attracting Dumbledore's attention from his copy of Transfiguration Today. Albus picked it up and read it aloud.
"Young at heart male, blue eyes, enjoys indoor activities, seeking like-minded individual for fun, friendship and laughter." He smiled, "That's really good, Severus! You should do this professionally."
Severus folded his arms. "My payment?"
Albus looked nonplussed, "Pardon?"
"Don't bother, Dumbledore. The photograph?"
Albus smiled, "Fine. Fawkes, give the photograph to Severus."
Fawkes deposited the photograph with Severus, who threw it instantly into the fire without looking at it. He watched it burn. Albus raised his gaze again, "Thank you for this, Severus."
"You are welcome, Headmaster." Severus replied, playing with his fingers. "It was rather entertaining after all."
"I am sure." Albus watched as Severus walked across to his chair and picked up his copy of Potions Today, aiming to finish what he had started.
"Severus." Lord Voldemort called Severus back as he started to leave the room. "I have a matter I need to discuss with you."
Severus was tired, grumpy, and in need of a shower. It had been a long day. "Of course, my Lord. How can I assist you?"
"It is a...personal matter. Come to my office." They walked the corridor in silence, Severus trying not to yawn.
Once they were sat down, Voldemort pushed something toward Severus. "What do you think?" His long, ivory finger was pointing at something. "For me?"
Severus read it in his head. "Young at heart male, blue eyes, enjoys indoor activities, seeking like-minded individual for fun, friendship and laughter." He jerked his head up, staring at Voldemort, who seemed to be waiting for an appraisal... "My Lord?" He was actually at a loss here.
"Well, you know, I was bored. And I need someone to..."
"Build a life with?" Severus interjected. Voldemort whirled to face him, "What? No, I was going to say screw. So. Do you think they would be naive enough?"
Unfortunately, Severus' mind was filled with a rather unpleasant image that he was trying very hard to ignore. "...Is that the time? My apologies, my Lord, but I must attend the Order of the Phoenix meeting this evening, it is rather important. Might I suggest, with all due respect, that you focus your mind on more wholesome pursuits than these advertisements in the Daily Prophet?"
"You are right, of course, dear servant. I will bid you farewell. I expect a report on tonight's events tomorrow." As Severus started to leave, he added, "Maybe you could produce one of these for me?"
When Severus arrived home, he planned to go straight to bed. But there was a note on his desk that he decided to read.
Sounds like someone I know! "Tall, dark and handsome man, incredibly loyal and intelligent, seeks other to care for and maybe more." Sleep well. Albus.