Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. All Shonda.
Ok, this is my first story. I'll publish it as a one shot, for now. I still need to finish it, I'll be working on it during Christmas break at school, so yeah, I'll need a little more time to figure things out and decide to publish the rest of it. I just hope you'll enjoy. [Oh, and review, please, I'd love to hear your opinions and critics]. Something might be off, English is not my mother language, just mail me when you find something odd, alright? Thank you in advance!
Well, back to the story...Set in early Season 7, after Meredith drops the baby bomb to Derek. This is Derek's point of view in a random evening after 7x02/7x03. I know that books could have been written after the Season 6 finale and the aftermath. I hope it won't be boring or banal.
The overall title is a line stolen from the song Hysteric, by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I have to thank them for the great album It's Blitz! and the great inspiration from it. If you don't know the song, please find it on YouTube or whatever, it's worth the search. The acoustic versions are magic. Just listen, then. The main inspiration instead, came from Evil by Interpol. I suggest you to look for it as well.
Ok, I'll stop rambling...Enjoy and review!
Why Can't We Just Look The Other Way?
She opened her eyes, and green
They shone, clear like flowers undone
For the first time, now for the first time seen.
David Herbert Lawrence
Meredith entered in our bedroom quietly. She had a satisfied face, even if her frown reminded me too much about what she said that afternoon about her miscarriage. She looked at me with her puppy dog eyes, as I watched her lying on the bed next to me.
«Where's Cristina?»
«She's home. With Owen»
«Is she ok?»
«Yeah, she is»
«Are you?»
She slightly smiled, then went to the bathroom. I watched her walking out and immediately I felt tears in my eyes, like I was blaming myself for not caring enough, not noticing enough, not being enough for her. Even if that broken, she has always looked the same, or maybe I was too busy speeding around with my brand new black toy and feeling the adrenaline to be focused on her. When she spoke up about the baby, it was like waking up from anesthesia. She supported me the whole time, while I was just letting her down. I was crying then, heavy tears lining down to my neck and I was unable to wipe them away. I sighed and, in the following moment of silence, I heard a similar sound coming from the bathroom. With my thumb I wiped my cheeks, knowing that I had to do the same on her beautiful face too. I had to breathe for her again. And she deserved it. I walked out the bedroom and I saw the bathroom's door open, the light clearing the whole way to her. As I stood at the door, she was standing in front of the mirror wearing only her bra and my gray pants, staring at her perfectly fit, too flat belly. Big tears were streaming down to her collarbone, silently. She didn't look up, even if I knew she heard me coming in. My swollen eyes admired her perfection for a moment, then I stepped ahead and I wrapped my arms around her belly, resting my warm hands on her cold skin. Her back slowly leaned to my chest, and so did her cheek, stroking mine and mixing our tears. She put her hands over mine, before bursting into more tears and sobs, desperately holding tightly and cradling on me. I rocked and lulled her, my arms still softly but steadily wrapped around her, my thumb rubbing her skin where once rested our 5-weeks miracle.
«Shhhh» I whispered softly in her ear, before kissing her neck, our tears still running wild and her sobs impossible to soothe. As I held myself together and my cheeks started to dry, she wasn't even close to be calm. I gently turned her around and I tightly hid her in my hug, stroking her shoulders in soothing circles. Her tears were still soaking my indigo t-shirt, but her sighs were calming down. Her cheek was resting quietly on my chest, her eyes closed and her arms tightly folded around my hips, while I was rubbing her back. She was finally quiet, her breathing back to normal, her cheeks still spotted with tears. I wiped her face with my thumb, caressing her jaw and lifting up her chin to softly kiss her salty lips. The look she gave me when she opened her eyes was so intense I thought I could cry again instantly, but I held myself together. I hadn't any right to break down in front of her. I kissed the top of her head, before she unfolded our hug and grabbed her t-shirt near the basin. She firmly held my hand and guided me back to bed, where we lied down next to each other. She immediately leaned her head on my shoulder and I shifted my arm behind her, bending it over her hip, gently caressing her from the shoulder down to her thigh. Her hand fell lightly on my chest, right on the surgery's scar, rubbing it softly with her thumb, as to remind why we were curled in such tight hug. We were both staring blankly in front of us, before I kissed her forehead, right below the hairline, and she spoke in a thick, muffled voice.
«It felt good» she said, still rubbing my chest during a long, silent pause. «It felt good to think about someone growing inside of me. Our someone.»
I wasn't able to say anything to her, too captivated by her hard but clear words. I was feeling her warm body on my side, her feet moving along my lower leg and still, I wasn't able to say anything that didn't sound stupid or unneeded. After many minutes of silence ticked away, she had closed her eyes and was looking tired and somehow sore, so I mumbled: «Do you want to switch off the light and sleep?» my voice came out kind of broken, like it wasn't me speaking. Stupid question, seriously.
«Can we stay up a little more? Talk maybe...»
«Of course» I answered, brushing her freshly washed hair. The lavender smell was filling my lungs and her warmth was heating the clean sheets. I wasn't able to close my eyes either.
«I am so sorry Meredith» I said then, visibly swallowing, trying hard to meet her talking request.
«I'm sorry too. About everything.»
«I was a jerk. A stupid, uncaring husband while you were looking after me so kindly. I was too busy with myself. I promise it won't happen again»
«I was busy with myself too. You had the right to know»
«Not when I was acting like a dumb teenager who's showing off his brand new car to impress the girls around. I've never been that guy and I'm sorry it happened.»
«It's ok Derek. No running. You speeded enough in the past weeks...»
«I should knew better»
«It doesn't matter. You're here now and I need you to be here a little while longer»
«I'm not going anywhere.»
She looked up, gazing intensely in my eyes and I got lost in all the green and the blue and the grey and the tears mixed together, almost eaten up by the depth and the power of her stare. Her lips stretched a tiny smile after I kissed her, then she leaned again her head on my shoulder, caressing my cheek with her soft fingers.
«I love you, Derek»
«I love you too. It's gonna be ok...» I said, believing it would really turn better. The situation could hardly be worse, actually. We silently rubbed our bodies for a while, softly feeling the presence of one another.
«Does it hurt? The scar I mean...» she asked in a small voice, touching lightly my healed wound hidden under that light piece of cloth.
«No, it just prickles from time to time. I'm fine. How about you?»
«Still healing. At least I'm cleared for surgery now...» she lightened up the conversation just a little.
«You wanna work with me tomorrow?»
«I think I'll stay with Cristina»
«You both can assist, I have a couple of routine procedures, I won't mind you»
«I don't think she's ready, or if I am either»
«You should try to see how it feels»
«Maybe»
«You wanna talk about that day?»
«Not really.» A second of silence drifted in «Will you drive me to work tomorrow?» She was so good in suddenly changing topic.
«Of course. I'll be out in early evening»
«I'm off at 6»
«Do you wanna have dinner with me?»
«We dinner together since you moved in, Derek».
Her beautiful mind was clearly somewhere else.
«I mean out, somewhere you'd like»
«Like a date?» her face was surprised, but strangely pleased, a hint of a smile finally reaching to her lips
«If you want to consider that a date, then yes, as a date»
«Ok then» her lips outlined a real smile, before meeting mine. She sweetly shifted her weight a little more over me, tenderly beginning a long, soft series of surprising kisses, cupping my face with her hands.
«You didn't like dates before» I interrupted her ritual, our noses touching
«I do like them now. And I like the way you were so excited before inviting me to dinner, all dressed up and nervous. The true McDreamy just popped out» she giggled, sparkles of happiness materializing in her eyes. It had been a long time since those sparkles were there.
«You still McDreamy me?»
«Cristina reminded me about that, you don't like it anymore?»
«Oh, I love it.»
«I can't help but McDreamy you sometimes» she widely smiled again, brushing my hair while kissing me one more time.
«It feels good having you here, McDreaming me»
«It feels better having you alive» I kissed her back «Thank you» she added then, her eyes darkening just a little. I should make her smile again.
«For what?»
«Sticking around and not being an ass»
«I was an ass»
«Not tonight. It's enough...»
«It's not. I want to be better»
«I wish I could be better too.»
«We'll get through this, right?»
«We are survivors, Derek. We will. Day after day it will get better»
I didn't answered anything, I just held her even closer to my side, letting silence answer for me.
«I knew about it in the morning. I wanted to wait dinner to tell you, eat and then snuggle on the couch, but you know how it ended...»
I just nodded, trying to stretch a smile that just moved a little the corners of my mouth. I remembered her coming into my office that morning, realizing too late the glowing face she had on and how little attention I paid to her.
«I'm sorry about the morning too, when you stopped in my office»
«It wouldn't have been a problem, Derek. It's ok, we can't rewind and rewrite»
«I wish we could»
She closed her eyes and a tear slipped out, almost unnoticed. She tightened her arms under my ribs.
«Can you wait some more time to hear other details about that day?»
«You can talk to me any day you want, I'll be listening»
«Ok. It just felt good that morning. As everything was in its right place. Our sandcastle was finished...»
«But it came the tide»
«Yeah. Holding a gun.» she pressed her finger on my scar, just lightly.
«The tide is gone, now. And we're building our castle again» a tiny smile popped on my face
«Far from the water?» her voice childish and unsteady
«Yeah, even if we have to dig more to find wet sand»
«We'll dig»
«We are digging already»
She let out a smile, before closing her eyes on my chest.