If Today Was Your Last Day, a full metal panic fanfic

If Today Was Your Last Day

Light clacking was the only sound echoing within the small apartment known to its owner simply as 'safe house'. The sun had finished its descent not long ago, and the already brisk winter air had neared almost freezing temperatures. Sousuke never minded the cold much though, mostly since there was little comparison when one spent the Russian winters in little more than rags of what used to be clothes. Finally coming to the last of his daily report, Sousuke felt relieved that once he was finished, all that would be left to tackle would be his English homework. Already being fluent in the language helped greatly, and lately, it gave him a feeling of accomplishment whenever a classmate would ask him for help with it. At least there was one class besides Gym that he could excel in.

Putting the finishing touches on his report, Sousuke clicked the link to forward the document to Captain Tesstarossa's e-mail before leaning back in his chair with a sigh. Taking a moment to stare aimlessly up at the ceiling, he nearly fell out of it when his front door slammed open. The innermost door behind him was his last barrier, and from the sound of rushing footsteps in the short hallway, he only had a few precious seconds to act. Still sitting in the metal folding chair in front of his laptop, Sousuke reached for the Glock he kept at his back and skidded the chair away from the desk as far as it could go. Stopping sooner than he had anticipated, Sousuke fell backward, landing painfully on his shoulders as his ankles awkwardly hooked the front legs of the chair, bringing the metal apparatus back with him still seated in it. Still aiming at the door, despite the blood now rushing to his head, he let out the breath he had been holding when the one barreling through his apartment practically yelled his name loud enough for it to echo in the small room.

"Sousuke! Hey man, what do you say to some good old fashioned male bonding eh?" If Sousuke could have rolled his eyes at the situation, he would have been more than happy to do so. Only three people on the planet would ever bust down his front door without any sort of tact or weaponry, and one of them just so happened to live across the street from him. One of them now stood in his doorway, and a faint chill shot up his spine at the realization that he had no idea where the third might be lurking.

"Kurz, why do you feel the need to taunt my reactions in such potentially hazardous ways?" Ignoring his question, long strides brought Kurz to stand in front of Sousuke's closet, rifling through it quickly and snatching the first jacket he laid eyes on.

"Come on man! It's male bonding time, and that means you're comin' out with me whether you like it or not!" Sousuke had just finished pulling himself off the floor when the abducted outerwear was thrown in his face, the arms wrapping around his head and shoulders as soon as it hit the target. Before he could finish unwrapping the jacket from his head, he felt Kurz's hands on his shoulders, pushing him in an awkward march towards his front door.

"Male...bonding? What is that? Eh-wait a second, I still have homework to do Kurz!"

"Do it later."

"Later? But it's due tomorrow at the start of class!"

"Then slap it together before school!"

"B-But Chidori-"

"Don't worry about Kaname, Mao has it handled."

"Wait, what? Mao?"

"Come on Sergeant Sourpuss, move those feet before I move them for you!" Without any more room for argument, Sousuke was promptly shoved out his front door, his shoes barely hanging on by his toes.

Almost fifteen minutes later, Sousuke sat with a sour expression in the corner booth of a bar Kurz had dragged him to. Exactly where he was at the moment was a bit of a mystery, as he couldn't ever remember a bar like this in Chofu. Most of the lighting was kept either low, or just bright enough to make your way around without bumping into people. One side held the main bar and sitting area, while the other side had three dart boards, four pool tables, a juke box, and a hallway with a sign over it that told patrons where the restrooms were located. Over near the bar was a mounted television broadcasting a rugby game from the lower region of Hokkaido, and for a moment, Sousuke took mild interest in it as he awaited Kurz's return.

He had never been very interested in any sport in particular, but after having spent some of his time reforming the Jindai Rugby Club, the game had become something of an occasional interest. If he had the time, he would attend a game with Chidori and the others, and if he could, stop by for a small chat with the players. They were still incredibly kind people, Sousuke's training hadn't changed that, but the second they donned their uniforms, a competitive blood lust took over them, and to this day they had yet to meet defeat on the field. Noticing that the score was at a near tie, the sound of heavy glass on the tabletop brought him back to his current surroundings. Sousuke warily stared at the brightly colored drink set in front of him, glancing across the table to watch Kurz down half of his beer far too fast to be human. "What in the world is this thing Kurz?"

"Honeydew Margarita. Go on man, give it a try, you might like it."

"Negative. You are aware of how I feel about alcohol Kurz."

"Don't worry about it buddy, I got you covered, I made sure it's virgin."

"Virgin?"

"No alcohol. Man Sousuke, I know Kyoko can really knock 'em back, so how is it you've been in Tokyo this long without learning this stuff?" Sniffing carefully at the drink in front of him, Sousuke dared a small sip, the small ice crystals tickling his lips as it went down. His eyes widened a moment at the unexpectedly sweet taste, drinking a bit more before setting the glass back down and answering his friends question.

"I don't know because I don't care to know Kurz. I don't like alcohol, so I don't bother to learn about it."

"So what's your excuse with the Arbalest then?"

"Necessity. Proper operation of the Arbalest will allow me to better protect Chidori."

"Right...and that's the only reason..."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ah, forget it man. Hey, let's try a game of darts huh?"

"I've never played before."

"Come on Sousuke, it's simple enough. Just aim for the target and hope you hit it."

"Then it seems I've lost before the game has even begun."

"Hm? What makes you say that dude?"

"An accuracy related game, and my opponent is the best sniper in Mithril's West Pacific Fleet?" Fully prepared for the shit-eating grim that was most likely present on Kurz's face, the sniper turned and all but slammed the mug holding the last of his beer onto the surface of a small circular table near one of the dart boards.

"Well yes, I am pretty damn great. But this isn't a shooting range, and we're not gonna be playing with bullets. Who knows? You might just win this." Setting down his drink, Sousuke took the three offered darts and waited patiently on one of the nearby bar stools as Kurz set up a score board for them. Once finished, Kurz took the first turn, explaining how the game worked as he played through.

"So...when does this 'male bonding' happen Kurz? Is there a set time limit?"

"Wha-no! Sousuke, you really are pretty dense sometimes you know that?"

"I am aware of my social deficiencies, but you still haven't answered my question."

"THIS...is male bonding Sousuke!"

"But you said the game was called darts." Kurz's shoulders slumped with a sigh at Sousuke's astute observational skills. Taking a step back over to the younger man, Kurz thought a second on how to explain something that, at least to the rest of the world, was never quite defined beyond a rough concept.

"Sousuke, male bonding can be any activity, whether it's just a bunch of guys sitting around with a few beers, or a camping trip over a weekend. But the one defining trait is that the only participants are men. You get it?"

"So, the object is to simply enjoy spending time with male companions?"

"Exactly!"

"But I have some female acquaintances as well, are they able to attend if they want?"

"-Sigh-No, Sousuke they can't. If they did, then it wouldn't be considered 'male' bonding." The wheels still turning behind Sousuke's eyes, Kurz told him to just not worry about it and to go on ahead with his turn.

Stepping up to the line painted on the floor, he lifted the first dart, holding the stance Kurz had shown him as he aimed at the board. When he finally settled on the segment he wanted to hit, he launched the small projectile, surprised when it hit too close to the dividing wire and bounced off target. Staring a moment at the dart that had fallen to the ground, Sousuke scratched at his cheek as his mind went through new tactics to reach his target. "Hm, this is more challenging than my earlier assessment..."

"Told ya so. Come on Sousuke, you still got two more. Let's see one of those things hit something!"

"Roger." Firing off his last two darts, Sousuke was impressed with himself. He had managed to score eighteen points. Gathering up his darts and marking his score on the board, he took another drink as he and Kurz switched places. Pulling up one of the other bar stools, Sousuke waited while Kurz took his first shot.

"So, how's civilian life treating ya man?"

Taking another sip of his drink, Sousuke pondered it a moment before answering, not wanting his words to be misunderstood. "It's still difficult at the best of times, though significantly easier than when I was first deployed here."

"Yeah? Kaname still helpin' you out with stuff?"

"Affirmative. She does more for me than anyone. I feel guilty for having to rely so much on her."

"Hn," Kurz aimed his dart at the board, landing it on the edge of the number twelve square. "Don't be so hard on yourself Sousuke. I'm sure Kaname knows you try."

"But I just keep giving her nothing but trouble. I still can't tell the difference between the unfortunate business man at the train station, and a cleverly disguised killer."

Taking his second shot, Kurz brought up his final dart, trying to aim for one of the higher numbers since his first two hits were low. "It just takes trial and error man. Hell, if Kaname really was bothered so much then I'm pretty sure she'd have said something to Tessa by now."

"The Captain? Why?"

"If you were really that bad, I'm pretty sure Kaname could have you replaced or-"

"NO."

"Hm?" Pausing from his last shot, Kurz turned his head to catch the pained expression that flashed across Sousuke's face.

"She...Chidori said I wasn't allowed to leave. She said she would never forgive me if I did that again." Sousuke's shoulders stiffened at the memory of the two of them standing in the empty hallway, the sun shining off her dark hair, and the tears staining his winter uniform jacket. "I still can't even forgive myself for the last time..."

The last of his darts sticking itself deeply into the board, Kurz retrieved them and marked his score before heading back to the small table. "Look, Sousuke, I know it never means much coming from me, but the stuff that went down in Hong Kong, me and Mel never blamed you for walking away like you did."

Taking another drink from his beer mug, Kurz didn't have to see Sousuke's face to imagine the slight raise of his eyebrows when he had said that. Setting down the nearly empty glass, Kurz took a moment to get his words right. It wasn't often he had to act his age outside of his M9 and play the 'older brother', but when he did, it helped if he at least said something worthwhile. "Yeah, Mel told me after we got back to the sub that day. Took a little work mind you, but after I told her what some of the guys had been saying out of speculation, she caved and decided we had a few skulls to crack."

Sousuke's gaze had lowered, staring down into the bright green abyss of his drink in front of him/ He still had occasional nightmares about that time, mostly consisting of the echoes of Gauron's insane laughter and constant taunts that Chidori's blood was on his hands. A faint reminder, the spot on his cheek that had been grazed by a lone piece of falling glass, at times it still stung, even though the cut had already long since healed. This time though, it wasn't just the hurt of knowing he had let down the one who depended on him the most. Knowing for sure now that those he worked and fought with honestly thought so little of him, it didn't come close to how he had been hurting after letting Chidori down, but it was something that would bother him for a while.

As if on cue, Sousuke's phone rang out from his pocket, the shrill noise annoying him more due to what the sound meant than the actual occurrence itself. His frown deepening, he sighed as he reached into his pocket and opened it with a flick of his wrist. "Sagara...affirmative...roger."

"Bad news?"

"Affirmative. I am to accompany you and Mao to the rendezvous in the morning. Another mission has come up."

"What time?'

"Oh-four-hundred-thirty hours." Checking his watch for the time, Sousuke felt even more annoyed. Not only would he have to miss school tomorrow, but he and Kurz would have to leave soon if they intended to rest at all. With a sigh, Sousuke pocketed his phone and finished off his drink. "We should probably leave soon if either of us wants any sleep tonight."

"Hm. Yeah, you're probably right. Hey, how about we sneak in a quick game of pool first? That one shouldn't take us too long."

"There's no time for swimming Kurz, and besides that the weather is-"

"NO! Ugh! Just come on man, it shouldn't take us longer than maybe forty-five minutes alright? AND NO IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WATER!"

"Well, alright. I suppose one game wouldn't hurt."

"Excellent! You take our glasses to the bar and I'll grab us a table." Kurz smirked to himself as he slid off the bar stool and headed over to the pool tables, leaving Sousuke to take their empty glasses back to the bar. While waiting for Sousuke to return, Kurz decided to activate the brightly lit jukebox in the corner, impressed with how the manufacturer had managed to convert an old record player into a more modern version, using CDs instead of records. Deciding to try it out, he reached in his pocket, satisfied when he found the 500 yen piece he had made sure to hold separate from his drinking funds. Sliding the coin into the slot, Kurz selected the 'Random' option before turning back to the table to finish setting things up. When Sousuke returned, Kurz handed him a cue stick and set to work explaining to him the rules. "Alright, this is how Pool goes man: we set up the balls in an arrow formation like I did on one side of the table with the number one on the marker."

"But there are two markers on the table."

"Exactly. The second marker is where you place this plain white ball, called the cue ball. We never hit any other ball directly except this one, and if it accidentally goes into the pocket, you lose a turn and I get to go twice. Got it so far?"

"Affirmative."

"Great! Now, I'll go first to show you how to break okay?" Sousuke nodded as Kurz happily angled the stick at the cue ball, his earlier choice on the jukebox beginning to play out of the surrounding speakers. Leaning over the table, Kurz held the stick just over his fingers, shoving it toward the white ball for only an instants momentum, sending it forward and dissipating the triangle of balls at the other end. Satisfied when a striped ball finally finished edging its way into one of the pockets, he turned to explain the last few rules of the game. "See that Sousuke? I got a striped ball in the pocket first, so now I have to aim for only the striped balls on the table. You're gonna have to go for all the solid colored ones got it?"

"So the game is over when the table is clear of our colors right?"

"Almost. Since you have to aim for the solid colors, you have one other ball to think about. You have to wait until all of your other balls have been clears from the table before you can go for the eight ball."

"So the first one to clear their balls and sink the eight is the winner."

"See? You're a natural buddy!" Slapping Sousuke on the back, Kurz stepped aside and let Sousuke approach the table, watching as he took aim at a small cluster of solids near one of the edges. Despite the positive change in mood the game was providing, it was obvious that Sousuke was still upset about having to miss school the next day. "Hey Sousuke."

"Hm?"

"What, what happened...you know, when you walked away?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have my theories, but I wanna know what the real reason was." Sinking a shot, Sousuke sighed as he stood back up, leaning against the table as he thought through his answer.

"I don't...really know..."

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

Standing from his stool, Kurz leaned over the table to line up his next shot. Both he and Melissa knew without a doubt why Sousuke had been acting the way he had, but trying to make him realize why was going to be a challenge. Outside of his element, Sousuke had a skull thicker than military grade shielding armor, and three times as durable. "You seriously think I'm gonna buy that Sousuke?"

"What do you mean?"

"You really have no possible idea why you just switched off everything when you were ordered back to the Danaan?" The billiard ball shot across the table, just grazing by his target and accidentally sinking the cue ball. "Damn. You got two turns now man."

"Roger. I'm being serious Kurz. I'm not really sure why, just, everything seemed...it was all so..."

"Pointless?"

"Affirmative. I suppose that's the closest way to describe it." Another shot sunk in the side pocket. Leaning down to check the possible trajectory, Sousuke crossed over to the opposite side of the table. "It might have the most to do with the fact that it made me feel as if I had lied to Chidori, even though I couldn't have known about it at the time."

"Nice shot. How so man?"

"Earlier that evening, we were talking on our way back home and I told her that I would always be there to protect her. I don't really know why I said that either, though it was right after I explained to her that she could be attacked at any time."

"Dude! Why'd you tell her that? It's bad enough that it's the truth, but being that blunt about it to her face? What were you thinking man?" Kurz's outburst had Sousuke jerk his hand slightly, but it was enough to have the cue ball miss its target and bump into the table wall.

"I just told you that I had to make her feel better after that. That's why I said what I did."

"Man Sousuke, for someone who can take on a whole platoon with only a handgun, you really can't see what's right in front of your face."

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

"What do you mean?"

Taking a quick shot into the left corner pocket, Kurz leaned over the table, his hands gripping the edge as he made sure Sousuke was paying close attention. "Okay Sousuke, answer me a few questions will you?"

"I will try."

"You felt angry when you were told to stay away from Kaname right?"

"Affirm-"

"Yes or no is fine man."

"Yes."

"And how did you feel when she showed up to smack some sense into you in Hong Kong?"

"...I..."

"This isn't rocket science dude, just answer with the first thing that pops into your head."

"I...I don't know...!"

"Don't give me that shit man, I know you felt something! Now be honest with yourself and say it!"

"FUCKING AMAZING ALRIGHT!" Sousuke ran a hand nervously through his hair when he noticed his outburst had caused a few of the patrons to turn and stare at him for a few seconds. Somehow though, saying what he had out loud had made him feel better, as if part of him had been pushed down for so long and it was finally getting room to breathe. Taking a breath to steady himself, Sousuke leaned over the table and lined up another shot, the required concentration helping to calm him for the moment. Once the ball rolled into the pocket, he set his cue stick down and pulled over one of the bar stools, propping his head in his hands as his mind went through what seemed to be a torrent of new thoughts and emotions. "So if Mao told you about when I walked away, did either of you read my report from that incident?"

"You still wrote one? We thought since you ditched that you never bothered."

"Affirmative." Watching from his seat, Sousuke waited for Kurz to finish taking his turn, grateful for the few moments it granted him to get his thoughts in order. He and Chidori still hadn't even discussed what had happened in that short time they had been separated, so telling someone else, having to say it out loud when it was something he would have rather forgotten...

"I found Gauron that day." Just as he expected, Kurz had also thought he had been killed after his hijacking attempt on the Danaan. It's often said that memories can often lead one to think things were far worse than they had actually been, but this time, looking back, Sousuke should have felt the evil aura from outside that cursed place. Even after he had been made to notice that he was in Kowloon, he had spent the time climbing the stairs telling himself that the only man who had ever truly scared him was already long dead. "He left me an ad in all the newspapers, one that only myself or the Lieutenant Commander would have noticed. I...I didn't care anymore...about anything, so I went where the ad said to go. A phone was taped to the underside of a trash lid, and a girl told me to take a taxi that had been sent for me."

"You really walked right into that?"

"..."

"Sorry, look just forget I said anything man."

"The taxi dropped me off in front of an apartment building, and the same girl who called the phone was there. She told me to go to one of the apartments in the building, and when I tried to find out who she was and who was waiting for me, she just pointed out that we were in Kowloon." The last of their pool game was forgotten as Sousuke did his best to recall enough of what had happened that night, the closer he got to the events inside that dismal room, the more angry he became and chills began to run up his spine. "The explosion from his Venom had severed his arms and legs, he lost an eye and it sounded like there could have been some damage to his larynx. He was hooked up to many medical machines, but through it all that bastard just kept smiling at me! He talked to me as if he saw an old friend dammit!"

Sousuke's grip on the edge of the table had his muscles screaming, the limb shaking from the amount of pressure he felt he needed to use to remind himself that it was only a memory. He twitched slightly when Kurz put a hand to his shoulder, calming down for a moment and loosening his grip on the table. "He told me...he and I were the same. Just...killers who enjoyed the bloodshed, and all the pain it caused. I know he was just trying to piss me off, but, he just kept talking! And...that's when he said something I couldn't ignore."

"What'd he say?"

"...he told me Chidori was dead." Another deep breath to ground himself left Sousuke feeling hallow inside again. His heart felt heavy again, as if weighed down by everything he'd been through and the feeling had only just caught up with him. Quickly scratching the back of his head, he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees again as he fought to continue. "H-He said he had...pictures. That she had said 'Sorry' before she...fucking bastard even had the nerve to sing about it!"

"Sousuke." No practical experience had ever prepared Kurz for hearing what he just had. Though he had witnessed his own parent's death, no one had ever taunted him with it. To do such a thing to someone, to laugh at the death of someone that meant everything to the person who had lost them, that was a whole new level of sick, and Kurz didn't have to ask whether or not Sousuke had finally finished off that maniac. He could feel it. The air around his friend had grown thick with regret and sadness, and in their silence Kurz heard clearly the words flowing from the nearby speakers.

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

"Sousuke, if there was one thing you could do before you died, what would you do?" Sousuke sat completely still, as if contemplating everything that had been said, and everything that could be. Kurz had always lived in the moment, celebrating every second he was still alive so that if he ever met his maker, he could look back and have no regrets about how things had turned out. Sousuke had never had that chance. Hell, it was a miracle that he even come as far as he had on his own, but it had all been by sacrificing what he had wanted. He'd been just following for so long that part of him had forgotten to take care of what he needed.

Without warning, Sousuke stood, digging into his pocket for what Kurz assumed was his share of the drink tab. Slipping on his jacket, he turned and handed Kurz his cue stick. "I have to go. I'll see you in the morning at the rendezvous."

"Have somewhere to be?"

"...yes."

The cold air bit at the skin on his face and neck as he ran, the puffs of hot air dissipating as soon as they brushed across his cheeks. Sousuke was only lucky that most of the traffic had calmed, and he didn't have to be held up by too many stoplights. Finally turning down the street he had walked home on earlier that day, Sousuke felt his resolve falter a bit. What if he was wrong? What if she turned him away? What if...what if she hated him for it? He would still continue his mission anyway, but knowing she hated him, he wasn't sure he could live with that. Shaking his head to clear it of anything else that might get in his way, he turned once more, leaping over the low wall at the entrance to her apartment complex and continuing his run up the stairs. He wouldn't bother waiting for the elevator. If he had to stop and think longer on the question Kurz had posed, he wouldn't be able to go through with it.

Coming to the top of the stairs, Sousuke paused for only a second before walking quickly to her front door, knocking louder than he probably should have. It was silent for a minute, and still worried he might lose his nerve, Sousuke knocked again, relieved when he heard the voice on the other side complaining that she was coming. When the door finally opened, he felt his breath catch in his throat.

She wore the same outfit she had the night she had cut his hair, except the shirt had shifted to expose one bare shoulder, the bra strap clearly visible behind her loosely flowing hair. "Sousuke? What-" Words she would have said disappeared when he pulled her to him in a flash and kissed her. Kaname's eyes still wide with surprise, they slowly drifted closed when one of his hands made its way across her back, taking hold of the smooth skin of her bared shoulder. Her arms drifting upward to encircle his neck, she brought him closer as the initial shock of his actions wore off, allowing her to revel in something she had only ever dared to dream would happen.

The contrast around them seemed to enhance the moment. The dim lights outside of her brightly lit apartment, and the rush of hot air from her heater mixing with the cold from outside. Somehow it fit them both, because even with how different they were, their hearts were the same. Finally separating for air, both seemed to search the others eyes for an answer they both craved, but couldn't seem to voice. Still wrapped tightly in each others arms, a cough came from down the short entrance hallway. "Looks like that would be my cue to head out huh?"

Melissa grinned as she slipped on her shoes and jacket, edging her way past the two teenagers with a smile. "See you in the morning Sousuke. Don't stay up too late." Retreating down the hallway, Melissa headed toward the stairs on her way over to Sousuke's apartment.

Alone again on her front porch, Kaname just stared back at him, wondering just what had prompted such an action from her normally stoic and moody Sergeant. His eyes still burned, and his cheeks were still pink and slightly wind chapped from running all the way there. Coming down for one more soft kiss, he finished catching his breath, not really finding any words, but perhaps she could help him with that. "We should talk."

Kaname wanted to giggle at his 'eloquence', but now wasn't the time, and she knew it would only take one misinterpretation for them to fall back from their progress. Theirs had always been a complicated relationship, and it didn't help that both of them had their own insecurities and emotional defenses to get over either. Still, if he could gather the nerve to show up at her door and kiss her out of nowhere, then she could certainly brave opening up about a few things. Besides, it certainly wasn't everyday that Sousuke ever did something surprising that had nothing to do with blowing something up. Running a hand slowly through his hair, Kaname smiled shyly back at him, making sure she met his eyes as she spoke softly, "...okay."