tall raspberry mocha
two pumps chocolate
two pumps raspberry
single shot espresso
milk to 145
stir
Edward has an apartment
It's small
Really small, actually
Smaller than anything I've lived in before
But I don't tell him that
Because I don't want to be rude
He seems so proud of it, too
Showing me around
Though it should only take about five minutes
To cover the space
He goes through everything
Draws it out
Tells me about how the fridge only sometimes works
And how
In the middle of the night
If you listen hard enough
You can hear the prostitutes talking quietly across the street
/
He has a mattress on the floor
That he looks embarrassed by
"I meant to buy a frame," he says
His hand cupping the back of his neck
His cheeks blushing lightly
"I meant to buy it before you got here but I didn't have time"
There are three blankets thrown haphazardly across it
He walks over and tries to straighten them
But it's a lost cause
/
"It's great," I say
And he looks so proud
Pushing his chest up
With a quiet smile
/
I tell myself that
Just for this night
I won't think about anything
Not the future
Not the past
I will stay in the present
With Edward
On a worse for wear couch
Staring at the spot
Where there should be a television
But isn't
/
"I'm glad you're here," he offers, cradling my chin in his hands
"I'm glad I'm here, too"
He kisses me lightly at first
Like he's afraid
Like it's his first kiss ever
And he fears that with any misstep
I'll pull away
And tell him that he's doing it wrong
But he isn't doing it wrong
Of course
My fingers wrap around his neck and pull him closer
Which is all the encouragement that he needs
We don't make it to the bed
Which is okay
Because it's not much of a bed anyway
Really
/
He's up early the next morning
For rehearsal, or something
But I sleep through it
And don't wake until early afternoon
When he's already back
With a sack of bagels and two cups of black coffee
/
"Hey," he says
And kisses my cheek
Over his shoulder is the same bag he's always had
One constant in everything else that has changed so drastically
And even though it is worn and dirty and desperate to be replaced
I can't help but feel grateful that he's kept it
To give me something to hold onto
/
We pick apart our bagels and drink the coffee
The kind I used to make
And vow to never make again
/
While Edward showers I call Charlie
He doesn't seems surprised that I've made it to New York
In a way, I think he's relieved
I think we were both worried that I'd never go anywhere
Or do anything
He urges me to stay for as long as I need
But to come back and visit, of course
Once I become famous via osmosis of the New York aura
I don't tell him that the aura is just
The shouts of angry, rushed people
And pollution
/
For the first week
I can tell that Edward is still a little bit afraid
A little bit wary
On Wednesday
He comes home about an hour and a half late
I'm sitting at the kitchen counter
Reading the newspaper
I hear him open the door
But don't turn around
He rushes up behind me
His breathing heavy
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says
His hands moving forward to touch me, then retreating
"For what?" I ask, confused
"We had to stay late, I'm sorry," he says, continuing to apologize
"That's fine. There's nothing to be sorry for"
Bewildered, I touch his cheek
The corners of his eyes are turned down in worry
"I didn't want you to be here alone. I didn't want to stay there"
"It's fine. It's fine," I repeat
He opens his mouth, hesitates, then closes it
"What?" I ask
"I'm afraid you'll leave," he confesses. "I feel like I can't hold onto you"
Even though it's sad, I smile because he's so wrong
"You couldn't get rid of me if you tried"
/
Around two months after my arrival
Edward receives a call from an unknown number
Which turns out to be a pay phone from the heart of Seattle
"Carlisle?" he asks, shocked
My eyes dart up from the book in my hands
I set it down and walk over to Edward
Who puts his phone on speaker
"I think I found my daughter," Carlisle cries
/
At first, I think Carlisle is delusional
After all, he hasn't seen her since before she even hit puberty
How would he ever recognize her?
Yet, as he continues to speak, even I believe it
I believe he's finally found her
On accident, really
As he happened to be passing by her apartment
On his way to meeting one of his boys
/
He's too afraid to go to her
He doesn't want her to see him like this
All broken
He calls himself a failure, repeatedly
A mixture of pride and regret
As his daughter has succeeded in life
Without him
/
Carlisle gives us her address
The moment Edward asks
After all, he is willing to do anything for Edward
Even 2,500 miles away
/
I call her the next day
While Edward is at rehearsal
I sit on the ledge of our one small window
Leaning out over the fire escape
The city beneath me
She answers after the third ring
And while I shouldn't be nervous
I am
My heart thundering in my chest
My head whirling
/
"Hello?"
The beginning is innocuous at best
Yet, as I begin to explain to her
Who I am, why I'm calling
I can tell that she is closer and closer
To cutting me off
"Who exactly are you again?" she asks
Sounding annoyed
Which is understandable
Given that I'm calling about her
Long-lost homeless father who happened to see and recognize her while standing on the street outside of her apartment
She doesn't believe me
She still doesn't believe me
She still doesn't believe me
Until I say
"Was your father's name Carlisle?"
There is a long, drawn-out pause
"My birth father. I haven't seen him since I was very young"
She agrees to meet with him
If only briefly
At the coffee shop I used to work at
/
Getting back in touch with Carlisle is difficult
But after calling several of the homeless shelters in Seattle
I manage to find him
When I tell him that she's willing to meet him the next day
He cries
/
Carlisle's daughter calls me fifteen minutes before their scheduled meeting
"I didn't know who else to call," she says, "But I'm nervous"
Edward looks at me curiously
Wondering who I'm talking to
His brow furrows
"I know him personally. He's a wonderful man"
I don't know how else to convince her
She has no reason to trust me
But she does
I hear her take several deep breaths
"Okay," she says, and hangs up the phone
/
I don't receive a call from either of them afterward
And begin to get worried
Edward rubs my back
Up and down and up and down
As we wait by the phone
For either of them to call
"What if something went wrong? What if she hates him? What if she's the wrong girl?"
"No one can hate Carlisle," Edward says softly
And I see just how much
Carlisle's life has affected his
For the better
/
When Carlisle calls a few hours later
Happier than I have ever heard him
I think I feel whole
/
Two weeks later
Edward slides into bed after me
His dress rehearsal having run late
He groans when I rub his back
Kneading the taut muscles
"Bella, I was thinking," he says in an almost whisper. "Do you think, maybe, we could try and get in contact with my parents? Or, maybe you can. I don't think . . . I don't think I'd know what to say."
I pause for a moment
A siren screams in the distance
"I think that's a great idea," I reply
/
Finding Edward's family is harder
They have moved several times since he last saw them
Without leaving a clear record
It takes me a little over a week
But I do manage to track them down
In a house eerily close to my own father's
Just outside of Forks, Washington
/
I sit with him as he calls them
I sit with him as he worries
I sit with him as he apologizes
I sit with him as he finally smiles, weak with relief
As he tells them about dance
As he tells them about Carlisle
As he tells them about me
/
I find an organization
That already works with reuniting people with their families
They're a nonprofit
And accept me readily when I apply
It's much more legal and technical than what I had done with Carlisle and Edward
Sometimes people don't want to be found
Sometimes they do
And when I finally match them
And when they finally meet again
It's like that day I saw Edward in the airport after so long apart
That feeling, replicated a thousand times
/
And I think that maybe I've found my dance
The one thing that I can do constantly and never tire of
But, let's be real
There are the days that I don't want to go in
The frustrating days
The days I really don't feel like doing it
But, overall
I enjoy it
And maybe that's the most I can ask for
The most anyone can ask for
/
After all, maybe that's life
Getting the pieces to fall into place
And even though you technically can't fight gravity
You have to have the will
And the passion
And the strength
To at least try
the end
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