Sex, Beans, and Death

A word of caution: This story was written between me and my friend. "V" stands for the parts I wrote, and "E" for the parts she wrote. Also? This story is incredibly captivating and controversial - you will leave this page a changed person.

V-

Beans had gigantic hoo-has.

She sat, poised on the bar stool, daintily holding her twenty-seventh martini, her face a slobbering mess from the alcohol she had consumed in the past 5 minutes, but sexy nonetheless. Her real name was Bernarda Elaine Amanda Norton Seth, but everyone just called her Beans. Because they fucking can, that's why.

She got to her feet, tripping over the red heels on her feet. In her frustration, she picked one up and whipped it into the crowd of dancers, not noticing as a man keeled over and died. Doctors would rule his death cause to be penetration of the fucking skull by a fucking shoe.

The boat lurched under her feet, and she stumbled into the railing of the grand staircase leading up from the ballroom. She puked pleasantly into the bushes, then continued on her way, stealing another martini from a fat old English man who only said the word, "Preposterous!" in a very English and fat way, with his triple chins jiggling all over the place.

She leaned against the clock on the staircase, trying for a suave look as she downed the rest of her martini and smashed it under her barefoot like a Jew. A man came up to her and complimented her well-endowed chest, in which she proceeded to punch him, because she enjoyed pretending she didn't like the attention her implants gave her.

The clock struck midnight, and she turned slowly, facing the crowd, as if something possessed her to do so. She put a hand over her chest, which was a bit of a struggle because her boobs were in the way, and watched as a stunning specimen of a man approached her from the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey baby," he said, and Beans never before felt so charmed. He leered down at her, slobber dripping from his mouth.

"My name is Beansio," Beans said.

"I am Farticunt, Sir Farticunt the Third," he said, starting to air hump suggestively in front of her. Beans watched in amazement, being stunned at the level of passion and chemistry that existed between them,

"Hey, whatsup?" an annoying voice said from beside Beans. She turned away from Farticunt and saw It pressed against her shoulder, not making eye contact.

"Excuse me, me and him were just –,"

"You mean, him and I?"

"Yeah, okay –,"

"Oh my god, your hair looks so good," It continued, her eyes watching the ceiling. She started breathing heavily and collapsed, rolling down the stairs.

"My Beans, Beans, Beans, my Beansio," Farticunt said, grabbing her boob. Beans swooned from the intensity of his grip.

"Oh, Mr Farticunt...," she moaned, giggling underneath her hand.

"I have a boner."

"You're such a charmer," she gasped, smiling up at him. His eyes were staring at her boobs, and she took this moment of distraction to analyze him so she could draw naked pictures of him later and put them on her wall.

He looked like a stick of butter.

"So, what do you do for a living?"

"I would love to undress you."

Beans giggled haplessly and he took her hand and led her to the deck. It was raining beautifully, and a storm was blowing in.

"I would just like to say," Farticunt began, yelling over the noise of the storm, "That these past moments have been a pleasure. You've made me feel alive again, you complete me."

"Farticunt –." He grabbed her lips with his fingers and led her to the bow of the ship, hoisting her up onto the railing.

"What the fuck you doing?" Beans said.

"Open your eyes!" Farticunt giggled.

"They are open—,"

"We're flying!" Beans looked down and saw they were flying away from the cruise ship. Then she blinked and saw that they were still on it, and it was just the Acid she had taken beforehand acting up.

"Farticunt-!" then she slipped and hit her head on the railing.

E-

After he helped her up, Farticunt and Beans stood there for the longest time, debating life and death. Although not aloud, and not to each other. So like, their minds were interconnecting. Hot, right?

So anyway, Beans turned around and narrowed her eyes at Farticunt, who was picking his nose behind her. She stared him down, and licked her chapped upper lip seductively. Farticunt looked back into her one good eye, and the other, which was twitching inconsistently.

"I love the way your moustache brings out your face," Farticunt whispered to her.

Beans blushed, all giggly, and spasmed for about a minute. After the brief convulsion, Farticunt reeled her in like a freakin' bass and slapped his lips over hers like he was eating a turkey sandwich and slobbered all over her chin. The passionate kiss lasted for only 2.4 seconds, but it was enough to establish: they were both mad for each other.

Farticunt spun Beans around in one quick flash and pressed her against the bar, over looking the sea, and the giant iceberg that they barely missed, by like two inches. He grabbed her hands ferociously and stretched them out. Beans purred at his aggressive, sexy manner. Farticunt leaned in by her ear and sang to her, in a scratchy, pre-pubescent-esque voice...

"Come Josephine, in my flying machine, Going up, she goes! Up she goes! "

Beans wet herself at this point.

In a flash, Farticunt grabbed her by the hip, raised her whole body to the air and whacked her against the bow.

The next morning, Beans woke up with a massive headache and a stirring stomach. Her eyes were glazed over and crusty, with those crusty little pieces of morning junk you usually get when you wake up, except they were purple. She wriggled a little bit, then sat up. The room was filled with wafting smoke and dead deer heads plastered on the walls. She turned around, finding Farticunt smoking a doobie. For some reason, Beans felt this endearing and utterly sexy.

"What happened last night?" She asked him.

"I raped you."

"Oh." Beans looked him over and grinded her teeth, imaging all the sexy sexy pleasures she would have felt if she were conscious last night. She shifted closer to his hot hot body, which she noticed had giant throbbing moles in the shape of turd nuggets along his chest and nipple.

"OhoHOOOhh..." She mumbled, finding him even more attractive than before.

Farticunt tilted his body to the side, lifted his ass, and farted. Within seconds the room was filled with his putrid scent. Beans inhaled deeply, her eyes watering at how absolutely beautiful his stench was.

V-

Beans leaned back on the yellow-stained pillows and stared up at the ceiling. Until now, she hadn't realized his cabin was the furnace room, and that they were currently surrounded by several suspender-clad men shovelling coal into fire pits.

"When the ship docks... I'm getting off with you," Beans said exuberantly. Farticunt pulled the sheets back suggestively, exposing his boner to her. He took hold of it and waggled it for further enthusiasm.

Beans blinked at Farticunt with total devotion in her eyes. He scratched his hairy, moley ass and flicked on the TV, which was attached to the back of one of the suspender-wearing men. Because there were no other available walls, they were all covered in furnaces. Obviously.

"I suppose I'll have to tell Hal, and mother... who are suddenly introduced not to move the plot forward at all, and were totally there the whole time. Totally. Totally legit, yo. Totally." Beans strugged into her size X bra and left Farticunt, giving him a chaste lick on the nipple as she departed.

She climbed up the ladder from the furnace room with an elegance and grace that required years of not giving a shit. Heading back to her mother's third class cabin that they shared with a smelly family of gingers who communicated only through slapping each other's asses, she bumped into Hal, and immediately felt her mood drop. The internal bliss Farticunt had left her in slowly dissolved as her betrothed fiance's blue eyes bore into her own, literally. He had drills attached to his cornias.

"My love, how are you?" Hal asked, reaching up and touching her hair. Beans slapped his hand away.

"You don't own me anymore!"

"But love, women are not people to be owned. I never owned you, I've always—," She interrupted him with a big, watery fart, than headed into her mother's cabin as she picked out a wedgey.

"Mother I'm in love!" Suddenly Farticunt appeared, clad in only a speedo and goggles, much to the shock of her mother.

"Where the fawck did you go? I looked over expecting to find a sandwich, and instead your ass was not in my kitchen." He began panting and gasping and breathing heavily, and had to punch a hole in the wall to calm his temper. The surprised couple having dirty, rough sex in the other room had much to complain about afterwards.

"Mother, I—," Suddenly a loud, cosmic BOOM was heard, and a nasally voice came over the speakers.

"Uhh...," there was a pause, and some coughing was heard in the background. "Mothafackas, this bitch be goin down. Grab yo kids, grab yo wife, and grab yo husband, cuz the waters gon get errybody out there. Cuz we're sinking. So some of yo gon die. It has been a pleasure bein yo captain, Sir Pimps Alot, but now i'm outtie, folks. Have fun dyin. And i'm takin the only chopper to fly mah ass outta here. LATAH!" And a click sounded, signalling the end of the transmission.

Beans' eyes were as wide as saucers. She turned to Farticunt, grabbing his crotch in fear. Her mother, a lady suffering from depression, opened the porthole and jumped out the window, in the process allowing water to pour into the crevice.

Hal took Beans' chin in his hand, smiling sadly down at her.

"It has been a pleasure knowing you, my love. If we die, know that –," at that moment, Farticunt smacked him across the face with a frying pan, then proceded to tie him to the bed in the flooding room, all the while howling and grunting like some sort of freaking gorilla.

"Oh Farticunt!" Beans swooned, getting wet. In more ways than one. Because the boat was sinking.

E-

As the boat slowly tipped, so did the passengers. Everyone flung forward, then back, then to the side. This caused them to raise their hands in the air, to their heads in a panic and frenzy. Macarena music started to play somewhere deep in the ambit.

V-

A frantic race began as Farticunt and Beans jogged their way up to the deck, Farticunt, having found a baseball bat in his anus, began beating people out of their way. Beans would be lying if she said it didn't turn her right the fuck on.

They made it to the stairwell, and Beans paused for a moment, looking at the clock, which had the wrong time.

"This is where we met, Farticunt!" she gasped. Farticunt smiled at her, exposing his snaggleteeth and decaying gums. She leaned up for a kiss, and he reached down for a boob grab. He wiggled her nipple for a second, then burped and blew it in her face. No person was more attractive than him.

He pulled her along by the boob, shouting gibberish at the top of his lungs as he swung his baseball bat around to clear a path. They passed the fat old English man, who was chanting, "PRE-PRE-PRE-BR-BRE-BR-PRE-BRPE-BPRE-BPEBPEPRBPRE-PRBERBPERBEPBRPBEP- PREPOSTEROUS!" as he struggled to climb the stairs, his chins weighing him down.

Farticunt and Beans made it to the deck, only to see one of the Shipmates waving a gun around.

"Stop! You can't come through here! Don't make me resort to violence!"

"But—,"

"Don't make me resort to violence, you can't come through here!"

"We—,"

"You can't come through here! Don't make me resort to violence!"

Farticunt lifted the officer with surprising strength considering his scrawny body and through him into the distance, the officer disappearing into the sun with a glint.

The boat lurched began nosediving into the water, getting fed up with the people and everyone on board. There were no lifeboats, so everyone died. Except the people on deck. Then they died because they froze to death.

E-

Both Farticunt and the ravishingly turned-on Beans scurried to the very end of the ship when it sank forward. They clung onto each other, slobbering in snot and tears and wiping their faces in each others hair. Farticunt began to cry.

"What's wrong, my love?" Beans wiped away his falling frozen teardrops with her slimey booger-covered sleeve.

"I think I forgot to feed my goldfish before coming on this trip." Farticunt made a little wailing sound, then grabbed Beans by her shoulders.

"Remember what I told you about the water?" His eyes widened.

"You didn't say anything about the wa-"

"Shut up bitch, and listen. It's cold as shit down there so when we go under, find something to float on."

Then the boat sank fully. Beans and Farticunt wabblewabblesplashed in the water until they found each other. Farticunt grabbed Beans' boob for support. They gasped and gulped in the ice-cold intensity of the frozen liquid, which numbed them both inside and out. Beans, in a panic, swam in the only way she knew how: she doggy-paddled in little circles until a piece of the boat floated by. It might have been the door to the women's bathroom, but who knows. Beans climbed on top, shuddering. Farticunt reached her, and as he did, pushed her right off and into the water, hoisting himself up on the floating door.

"You need to swim!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. Beans understood him and felt herself get so very turned on. By proxy, her soul felt warm. shielding it from the coldness. She grabbed the driftwood and paddled like a little motorboat with Farticunt on top. Two hours later, they found an island. Beans dragged herself onto the sand, noting that the temperature was super warm all of a sudden. Palm trees and mango fruit scented the air. What the fuck?

Farticunt grabbed Beans and threw her onto the ground. She gasped! He grasped her shoulders and shook her like a maraca.

"We're the only survivors... We...must procreate..." He said, his face stern and expressionless.

Beans nodded, but she was already naked, somehow, underneath him. They began to make sweet sweet love on the beach even though she forgot to mention she was sterile.

After falling asleep by a fire that magically appeared out of nowhere, the couple snuggled together and burped in each others faces to keep warm, even though it was blazing hot already. The next morning, while Farticunt tried his cell for reception, a pair of yellow slimey eyes gleamed from the bushes. A man, then another man, then another, some naked, with pale mouldy complexion and dry, rotting skin shuffled towards him. Their jaws were ajar, and one was drooling and dragging saliva from the floor. Instantaneously, Farticunt was snatched by one of the zombies and they all helped heave him over to wherever the hell they came from. Shitting her pants behind a tree, Beans watched in agony and horror as her true love was taken from her. But she couldn't have done anything anyway; she was shitting, like literally. And there was no toilet paper.

When she was done, she reached up and yanked on a tree branch and her poop flushed into the sand. Since zombies are so freakin; slow, she got to one just in time to rip off one of their shirts. He swatted her away with a severed hand and disappeared.

Beans' lower lip quivered. She got up, strutted to the spot where Farticunt was taken, and got on her knees...

Music began to play.

"You don't have to come and confess, we're lookin' for you. We gon' find you, we gon' find you. So you can run and tell that, run and tell that, run and tell that homeboy, home home homeboy."

She wavered the piece of cloth in her hand.

"We got yo' t-shirt and you left fingerprints, you are so dumb! You are really dumb! Fo real!"

At that point, she got up, dusted herself off, and sniffed the t-shirt to decipher where exactly those zombies were headed. Being part dog, Beans was able to track them down quickly.

She peered out from the bushes, witnessing the zombies tie up poor moley Farticunt by his fingertips over a giant pot of boiling hot water. They burst out the Micheal Jackson and did the Thriller shuffle around the cauldron. Beans figured this as some sort of feasting ritual. Quietly, she sneaked up and onto the banister where the rope was tied onto.

V-

"Boob-woman!" Farticunt cried with glee. She wobbled towards him, sandwiching the banister he was tied to between her massive boobs. As she edged towards him, her razor-sharp nipple sliced the rope his fingers were attached to. She grabbed his hands before he could fall, tears and snot running down her face and falling onto Farticunt's.

"Oh Farticunt, I- I don't know how we'll get out of this," she sobbed. "I-I love you."

"Don't you do that," Farticunt said. "Don't you say those goddamn words to me. I never loved – ,"

"Farticunt!" Beans wallowed, her grip slipping. Farticunt shit his pants and the smell was very putrid and spicy, the smell of love, according to Beans. She continued sobbing, attracting the attention of the horde of zombies, who were in the midst of having a Guido dance off.

"Just promise me, you'll never let go."

"I'll never let go, Jack."

"What?"

"What?"

Beans proceeded to let go.

And that's the story of how Sir Farticunt the Third, or second, or whatever the hell it is, died. Beans forgot about him two minutes later, when she found an overweight Oompa-Loompa looking zombie to turn her attention on, because lets face it, Oompa Loompa's are sexy as hell.

And as she retreated into the bed of Zombie Oompa Loompa that night, no one was around to witness the moley hand that emerged from the pit of boiling water, nor the putrid smell of farts and shit that came with it.

The End.

Review you sexy studs. And if you found this story offensive... you're probably no fun at parties :c