Final Chapter: Elegy

It's occurred to me that if I actually published everything I've written down so far, you've actually made it this far. Or maybe you're just some special ops agent who's raided my house and found this, and have been reading this since the mission. If so, screw you. Especially if you killed me and my family.

But let's assume I published all of this. Or you're part of my family and you've stumbled on this.

As I write this, it's been eighteen months since the war. It shouldn't have taken me this long to write all of my memoirs about the war down, but, the truth is, I can't bring myself to write about the aftermath of the war. It's a blur, to be honest. I don't think I was completely there as they drew up the peace treaty.

I think, more than anything, I had just had enough of everything and wanted to go home. So that's what I did.

The Kusanagi picked up all of the survivors from the Archangel and my body. It was then I learned who Badgiruel had ordered off the vessel. It turned out all junior grade officers and nonessential personnel had been ordered to evacuate, they had gotten away mere seconds before the Turn X was able to reach the Archangel and destroy it.

Sai and Miriallia were on the shuttle. So was Feldt. So were much of the maintenance crew. Who didn't make it were the officers. Arnold Neumann didn't make it. Natarle Badgiruel died as well. Their corpses were collected frozen in space.

I didn't see the bodies or the burials. More on that in a moment.

I couldn't bring myself to fly the Freedom again after bringing it to the Kusanagi to park it. I had briefly considered flying it to the Eternal, but I realized at the last minute that the Eternal was likely going to return to ZAFT. Talia Gladys was a nice woman, but she didn't strike me at the type of woman who'd want to remain in Orb, she'd want to return her crew and ship back to a ZAFT run by someone sympathetic like Eileen Canaver. So I changed course and parked the Freedom in the Kusanagi instead, so the ZAFT wouldn't have the Freedom. Thankfully, Gladys didn't complain about my decision.

I had done my duty. As far as I was concerned, I was done and I wanted to go home.

Especially after watching my brother kiss Flay.

Kira wasn't trying to hurt me, and neither was Flay. Those were, and still are, real feelings. I get why they did what they did. But all it did was remind me that I didn't have anyone waiting for me. Athrun, who was supposed to come back with me, was gone, and I couldn't stand it.

I guess to everyone, one day I was there, and one day, I was not. Which was how I wanted it. No one had any idea I was pregnant when I left. I hitched a ride back to L4 in civilian clothes, hiding in plain sight. There, I went back to my family, and told them the truth.

They took it pretty well, all things considering.

Though I had to fulfill my promise to Elle to grow my hair out. Oh, and the baby didn't wind up being just one baby.

It wound up being two.

A boy and a girl. How fairy tale, right? Except my would-be prince was gone.

Let's put it this way. Dealing with strange cravings in the middle of the night, with the odd sensation of long hair, and then dealing with the joy of childbirth twice… it wasn't fun. And I regretted keeping the babies more than once along the way. Maybe if Athrun was still alive maybe I wouldn't have. But those two kids were all that was left of him, and… I couldn't sacrifice those last pieces of him, even if they were inconvenient, and then, once born, were loud and noisy and pooped and sneezed and…

I think I would have gone insane if my mom and dad weren't around to help me, especially since I really suck at breastfeeding. No pun intended.

I've gotten used to the long hair now, and the strange cravings are gone. I'm told my hair is quite beautiful now, it goes all the way down my back. I'm not so sure it is, but that's what everyone says, especially Elle. I think it's everyone's way of encouraging me never to fight again, since long hair is such an inconvenience on the battlefield. Honestly, I don't need any encouragement to stay away from fighting. I truly have had enough.

The only things I can't get used to are the children.

I suppose I should reveal their names. Hikari and Kevin. Eclectic, I know, so I'll explain it quickly: Hikari is named for Kira, my brother, and Kevin is an Irish-originating name that caught my eye when I was searching for names that had any similarity to Athrun's. So I decided on that name.

I'm not sure if I picked good names. They just felt right to me at the time. I hope when they get older they're happy with them.

I hope before they get too much older their father comes home.

I really should be letting this, no, him go by now. It's been eighteen months since he vanished into that ethereal light. The light has crystallized and floats in space in front of the Jachin Doe base.

But I just can't. I've tried to move on, I really have. I tried to hit it off with Nicol for example, but there's no spark which I desperately need. I don't think being pregnant when I tracked him down and then dealing with newborns helped in that situation either. I can't really blame him.

One of my biggest regrets was keeping Athrun at arm's length for all of those weeks after we had sex. Especially knowing what I know now. If I had known that all it would take was one bout of unprotected sex between two Coordinators, who are supposed to be less fertile than Naturals by the way…

There's no way I would have kept him at the distance he was.

I shouldn't have done all of those things to hurt him. And now he's gone, and I didn't even properly say goodbye. And all of the common sense in me is telling me that Athrun is dead, that he's just a part of that floating nanomachine crystal, but I just can't let it go, and I think it's because I don't want to believe it's the end.

That after everything, this is it.

That I'll never be able to fix things with him.

That my children will grow up without their father.

That it's like one of those old science fiction books and he's frozen in time in there, and when he gets out I'll just be a frail old lady. Or long gone.

I shouldn't keep waiting for him. I know what I have to do.

Feldt needs me. She wants to go find out why so much of the Anno Domini era has been buried. The limited amount of information on L4 is not good enough, it lends credence to Feldt's story but isn't enough to prove it when put up against everything Blue Cosmos or whoever would do to discredit it.

Kira needs me. He's in the middle of a great political battle against his cousins in the Seiran family. He needs my support, he needs to hear me, he needs to know that I'm behind him completely as he tries to keep control of Orb. It's more complicated than ever now, with the Earth Alliance relinquishing their occupation of Orb, but leaving a shattered country behind that now owns a giant space colony much bigger than Heliopolis.

Speaking of that, L4 needs me too. L4 needs people in general. Many of the Coordinators have returned home to the PLANTs, leaving just a handful behind. Much of L4 is just empty and will fall into ruins without proper maintenance.

My family needs me. Not just the kids. I've been away from them for so long, and I just want to live in peace with them. Our location is on the outskirts of where civilians have settled in the Mendel colony. A few have gone off to live alone completely, but I don't have that desire, to just ride off and vanish somewhere in the dust, empty land, and ruined buildings that make up much of the colony. I want to live where there's at least a few people around, so I'm not alone.

I have a fear of being alone in the dark that's been gripping me since my return. I think it might be the memories from Tassil re-emerging. I have nightmares of the people stomped on by that GINN attacking me on occasion too. Sometimes the colony creaks and I picture the colony coming apart like Heliopolis did.

I look in the mirror, and I'm reminded of how people compliment me about my hair, and how Elle seems so happy, because it means to her that I'm never going to go off to fight again. Yet I wonder why I deserve to be alive, why I deserve to be, in the eyes of others, beautiful. I've killed so many people, why do I look like I'm as harmless and innocent as goddamn Rapunzel? Why do I get to be alive, without the physical scars of so many others? Why do I get to be here, in safety, when so many people are struggling because of this war?

Why do I get to be alive instead of Athrun?

It's at its worst when someone comes to the door. I know I shouldn't hope, I know it's unreasonable, I know it's stupid, but I just can't help it. I dream, just for a few seconds, that it's Athrun behind the door, and when I open it, he'll be there, and we'll embrace, and it'll be like the separation never happened.

But it's never him. He's never there. And reality gets in another punch to my chest, to my lungs, to my heart.

The war will always be here, with me, with the constant reminder through our children.

Kira's going to be heading to the PLANTs soon, to take part in formal negotiations with both the Earth Alliance and the PLANTs. I assume it involves a whole bunch of formalities I'll need to study up on, because I've been pretty out of politics lately. He wants me to come with him when it's time to make the trip. As much as I want to say no, I know I have to say yes. I can't keep hiding here for the rest of my life, especially as disaster could befall L4.

So I know I have to go. For him. For Orb. Do one last final service and be away from L4 for a while, and go back home and try to live my life in peace again.

I just hope I never have to fight again.

I hope that if the crystal shatters Athrun still lives, and that it happens before I get old.

Athrun, I…

I love you.

Please don't keep me waiting.

Please don't keep your son and daughter waiting.

Please come back to me before I no longer resemble the girl you loved since our academy years.

Please come back so I can finally give you what you deserve.

I can only wait for so long.

The world can only wait for so long.

The bloodlines can't keep running forever.

And neither can I.

Please, Athrun.

For me.

And for all of us.

GUNDAM SEED: BLOODLINES FINIS

"Elegy" is a song composed by Michael Salvatori, Skye Lewin, and Laurence Berteig for Destiny: Rise of Iron.

Yep, it's over. I can hardly believe it.

This is a fic I have been writing since December 2010, if you can believe it. It's been part of my life for nearly six years, and it's finally over.

I feel really mixed emotions about this. There's been so many ups and downs, so many worries, and a lot of crazy personal stuff and lost inspiration over the years that have dragged out the release much longer than I wanted it to.

And the kicker, and what kicker it is: this wasn't even supposed to be the main Gundam story I wrote. It was supposed to be an experimental stopgap for a different Gundam fic. And yet it took over, and became the main, and then the only, Gundam story I was writing. Funny how things work sometimes, right?

But now, it's over. The story is complete. I decided to leave a few doors open in case I do write the sequel. I think chances are 50/50 that I will, but more than anything, I just need a break from Gundam.

It could be a year or two before you see a sequel start popping up. I dunno how long I need before I can bring myself to write another long story, one that hopefully won't take almost six years to complete.

But regardless, thank you for reading this. Thank you for enjoying my story. The readership behind this fic is the only reason why I kept pressing on, edging closer and closer to the finish line.

Speaking of open doors... I did think of having Athrun walk through Cagalli's front door. Or maybe Via Hibiki. But neither felt right. The former too optimistic, the second... well... yeah.

So this ending will have to be what suffices. I hope it works.

Thank you again. Please have a good 2017, and we shall see when, or if, this story begins again.