Angst/Hurt/Pathetic Alert

No one compares to you

It was Friday night and Nikki and Harry were sitting in the pub in really non inspirational mood. It was the usual week in the lab and nothing remotely interesting happened.

So they were sitting, two workaholics more bored then tired after the entire week of long hours. They weren't talking much. Knowing them it was not a problem, a few things could be awkward between them now and they could be sitting not talking and just enjoying each other's company for hours.

Harry was staring in the distance, thinking about food and if he had any at home when he actually realized that Nikki hasn't said a word all night and that she was staring at her untouched glass of white wine for a good fifteen minutes.

"What's wrong?" he asked. He could easily make a joke about her never staring at her glass at least not while it's still full or while she's still sober, but he decided by the look on her face that this wasn't time for jokes.

She leaned forward and started playing with her bracelet. If that was someone else other than Harry he might think that şhe hasn't heard the question. But Harry knew that she was simply trying to come up with an answer.

Suddenly she raised her head, looked him deeply in the eyes and simply said "I have no one to wait for me at home."

It was as simple as that. Simple statement, almost cliché.

Harry hasn't said a word; he was taken aback by the look in her eyes. He couldn't remember seeing her like this. It was not fear or despair, it was mixture of emotions, but mostly it was… disappointment.

Not knowing what to do or what to say, even though he wanted to say "I would wait for you for the rest of my life" he said nothing just returned his gaze at his own glass, beer in it not seeming interesting at all anymore.

They sat like that for another ten minutes when he broke the silence.

"Why is it so hard for you Nikki?"

She looked at him but he said nothing more. "What do you mean, Harry?"

"Why is it so hard for you to be happy? You could have any man you want, why don't you give yourself the chance of finding the right one? Why do you always choose the wrong guys?" he asked frustrated as he felt that words he was saying weren't fully expressing what he really wanted to say.

He looked at her and thought he saw few tears in them but she was fighting them and she didn't let them fall.

"You are right" she said. "I do that. It's not something I do consciously but the life has put it on my way. Like some kind of cosmic punishment" she smiled sadly.

"I always compare the men I date with the one particular man and when I decide that they can't compare to him just then I choose to be with any of them. It's simple, really. If any man could actually compare to him, then there would be the real chance of me getting over him. I am obviously not ready for that. I obviously don't want to do that" she was smiling in disbelief of her own emotions.

"Because loving him as much as it's painful, it's still the purest and the most valuable emotion I've ever felt. Unrequited platonic love that I get from him makes me alive more than any kind of physical love has ever had."

Harry felt strange. It was like someone punched him in the stomach. There was a man Nikki cared for that much?

When he hasn't said anything she continued.

"You know in life you always think that there's enough time for everything. That "something" will put your life in order. That in some magical way one day you'll turn around and realize that you've got everything you ever wanted. You expect to get it, almost like life owns you that" she paused and sighed at her own silliness.

"Every once and a while you stop and think how come I'm not there already? But, there's time, you know? Until one day you hit the wall and everything you've ever wanted but never got crashes in front of you in the million little pieces. That's what happened to me. Every day I turn around and think - where's my life, where's the man I thought I'd have by now, where's that little girl I've always wanted to have, where's the warm home I've always EXPECTED to have by now? Isn't that crazy?"

Harry was looking at her, listening her words but really he was looking AT her, at her eyes and the huge sadness that was in them. They seemed almost black and Harry thought that he could actually see the bottom of her nightmares.

"What happened to that man, Nikki? The one?" he said accenting the last word.

"He hurt me, of course. Like everyone else did."

"That is so irreparable?" he didn't care anymore about his own feelings, he didn't care about the jealousy that he has accepted in his heart. He only cared about getting that blackness out of her eyes, about returning that spark, his sun, back into them.

"In a way, no one ever hurt me like he did, you know? Because I've never opened myself to anyone more than I did to him. I've never expected anything from anyone as much as I've expected everything from him. I let myself imagine things that actually were there, but could never really be there, you know?"

For a moment she just stared at him not believing that he hasn't undersood what she was saying.

"You have to understand what I want to say, Harry!" her tone was suddenly sharper, almost angry. "You have to understand what I mean when I say that sometimes love is not enough. You do understand that don't you?" she stared at him frustrated that all he was giving back to her was expression somewhere between shock and confusion.

"You're such a coward" was all she said as she got up, put a note on the table and went.

Couple of seconds later his eyes actually realized that she has left and he dropped his head in his hands.

Couple of hours later Harry left the pub and faced the snowy December night. The air was freezing but it felt right.

He hated himself. He hated his lack of strength. He hated his disability to get things he most wanted in life. He hated the idea of hurting her. His Nikki. Because that's what she's always been. Not a lover or a best friend, but a soul mate.

Something more.

Even though he knew that being with her would set his life in a way that he's always wanted it to be, he knew it could never be.

They were more than that. There was no point in try and see because losing her was not an option. Life without her was not option. Life without her was incompatible with life; he realized and smiled ironically, ever since he saw her he knew that.

It was not love on the first sight, or passion, or anything you see or hear every day.

It was as simple as sense of belonging.

He could never be away from her.

So not really knowing how, he found himself in front of her door. He knocked but could clearly hear someone else in there. Man's laughter, he realized and felt pain in his chest.

He turned to leave but at that moment the door opened. He heard her asking him what was he doing there.

"I just wanted to give something to you" he said. He didn't know what was shown on his face but whatever it was it changed the look on her own face and her eyes filled with something else. Acceptance, forgiveness, honesty, understanding… was that love?

He approached her in just a couple of steps and pulled her in his hug. He held her strongly feeling silk of her nightgown under his fingertips as his eyes filled with tears. He felt her hands pulling him closely and tightening around him.

She was here, right now and it was all he could think about. Even these small shots into the world they could never have would fill his dreams for weeks.

Then he heard the cough and raised his head.

"Nikki, are you coming?" he could clearly hear that bastard saying.

Nikki pushed herself away from him, embarrassed, tears rolling down her face but not caused by this sudden intruder but by the emotions that overwhelmed her just a second before.

"Matt, I…." but what could she possibly say?

"Don't worry I'll wait" he said with idiotic smile on his face. "And by the way it's Mike" he smiled closing the door.

"Harry I…"

"Yes it's Harry" he said and smiled half bitterly.

"I know it is. It could be no one else, you do understand that?"

"I do. But love sometimes isn't enough, right?" he said, leaned to her and pressed the kiss on her forehead.

He hated the tear that accidently dropped at her cheek as he knew she could feel it.

"I'll see you tomorrow at work" he said and in the next moment was gone.

"Goodbye Harry" she said to the emptiness in front of her, around her, inside her.

Once more they said everything without actually saying anything. They did it before, they'll do it again.

She didn't feel guilty about Matt, or Mike or whatever his name was.

There could be no other person that could stand between them, they both knew.

It was just the two of them.

Two people for whom love was simply not enough.

Please share what you think...

I know it's dark but had to put it down.