The Desires in His Eyes

(post-episode, The Doctor in the Photo)

It's a myth that a person's intentions and desires can be seen in the eyes.

Look in my eyes. Is that a myth?

"I don't want to have any regrets."

I stopped breathing, and I immediately adjusted in my seat. For that moment, the universe halted. She was looking at me the way I'd always wanted her to. She was finally offering herself, but this time, I couldn't accept. I'd promised Hannah. I couldn't go back on my word no matter how much my heart ached.

"I'm with someone, Bones. And she's not a consolation prize. I love her. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but those are the facts," I forced the words out and breathed in deeply.

She wouldn't look into my eyes. She was trying to stifle the emotion that was drowning her. The funny thing was I was silently thanking God for the reaction. If she looked into my eyes, she would know I was lying. "It's a myth that a person's intentions and desires can be seen in the eyes," she'd said. I knew it wasn't. I'd seen so many things in her eyes over the last six years.

She bent her head and a wave of tears hit her. I gripped the steering wheel and almost pulled the car over. I couldn't take it when she cried, but if I lost my focus and consoled her I would lose my resolve.

"I understand. I missed my chance. My whole world turned upside down. I can adjust," she said when she began pulling herself together.

"I did." I said it before thinking. It was a manifestation of anger or hurt for putting us in this situation. If she'd just taken the chance then, I wouldn't be living with constantly grieving for the relationship we should be in, the love we could be making.

"Yes, you did." She answered in a voice that told me she now had a full understanding of the pain she'd caused.

"Do you want me to call someone to be with you?" It felt funny for me to say it. I was usually that person. I couldn't be now, not if I wanted to keep my commitment to Hannah.

"No, I'm fine. Thanks." She leaned her head back on the seat, and I focused on the road to keep from saying things that I couldn't take back.

#################################

I pushed the door open and dropped my keys on the bar. It had been a long night and my head was spinning. As I drove home, thoughts I couldn't stifle kept entering my mind. How could I have done that to her? Was she okay? Why did I always have to be the honorable one?

I loved Hannah. I did. But it didn't light a candle to what I felt for Bones. I'd known that from the start. I'd just pushed the thoughts to the back of my subconscious in an effort to try to make it work. Hannah was an incredible woman. In terms of requirements, she was the woman I should be with. She didn't have issues with dealing with emotion. She kissed me with abandon. She took risks. She believed in love. She was just like me, and nothing like Bones. But the heart wants what it wants, as Gordon Gordon said to me last year, and my heart had always wanted Bones.

I walked into the bedroom and quietly pulled my shirt over my head. Hannah was peacefully asleep. I looked at her and wondered if I could go through with it. It had been easy to push my feelings for Bones away when I knew she didn't want me. I'd been almost obsessive about moving my relationship with Hannah to the next level to make sure Bones knew that I wasn't still pining for her. I was a man. I wanted to show her that I was fine. I could move on. I'd succeeded in the message but that didn't fix the fact that I was still waking up in the middle of the night wanting to hear her voice, look into her eyes, feel her hand in mine. I couldn't help it.

"Hi Seeley." Hannah whispered quietly when I settled in to the bed. I ran my hand across her hair. She was incredible. She just wasn't Bones.

##########################################

"Booth?"

I looked up from my computer to find Angela standing in my doorway. She was glowing. I couldn't tell whether it was the pregnancy or all the love that was finally surrounding her.

I motioned for her to come in. "Hey Ang. What's up?"

"I want to talk to you. You're not going to like it, but I have to. She's my best friend." Ang settled down in the chair. I looked at her and waited.

"She's not fine, Booth. Okay? I know she told you she was fine, but this is not something she's going to get over."

"So I see she told you," I placed my pen down on the desk and leaned back in my chair. "What do you want me do? "

"I don't know. I get that you're with Hannah. It's not that I don't like her. She's great. But you and Brennan, that's not something you just let go."

I grimaced. She didn't know how right she was, or maybe she did. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. That I had let it go, that our ship had sailed, but I knew it was a lie that she would identify immediately.

"I can't, Ang."

She studied me for a minute. "You can't or you won't?"

"She told me to move on. She told me that she didn't want me."

"Booth, don't act like you don't know her. Something in you knew that she was running when she told you that. She panicked."

"Well…she was convincing. And she did run, right to the Maluku Islands." I knew I was deflecting, but I wasn't really sure I was ready to have this conversation. Angela would call my bluff in a second and I was comfortable avoiding my true feelings.

"I'm just telling you that she's never loved anyone and she loves you. You know she was hiding from that. I know she hurt you, but you have got to give her a second chance. It's too important. You'll wake up one day with Hannah and know that you made the wrong decision." Her text alarm went off and she looked down at her cell phone to read the message.

"It's Cam she needs me on something at the lab. I've to go." She got up slowly, leading with her pregnant belly. When she got to the door, she stopped and turned to look at me. "She called me last night when she got home. She was inconsolable. All those feelings for you that she was really good at locking away came to her in a rush and she couldn't breathe. But it was your reaction that destroyed her."

I felt like I'd been hit in the chest, but tried to cover the reaction quickly. "She can't expect me to just drop everything and come running at her every whim, Ang. She knows I'm in a relationship. She's friendly with Hannah. The woman is living with me. How can she possibly think that it's as easy as her finally telling me how she feels?"

"Didn't you once say something about good people leaving marks on each other that shouldn't be scraped off or painted over with new marks?"

I suddenly remembered. It was the physicist murder. I was talking about the doctor that was flirting with Bones. "Wow… how did you know that? She remembers that stuff?"

"Booth, she remembers everything you say to her. She's opened up her mind, and her heart because you told her it was worth it. Now that she's taken the ultimate risk and believed you enough to lay it on the line, you're the one causing her pain. She's having a hard time reconciling that."

"I don't know how to fix that."

"Don't you love her, Booth?"

I took a deep breath. "God help me. I do."

"Then you've got to do the right thing here. And it's not staying in a second best relationship with a woman you like a lot but don't deeply love. You've got to face this and go with your heart for both of your sakes. If you don't, you'll always wonder what you could have had. You have the opportunity to hold true, complete happiness in your hands. You've got to go for it no matter what the secondary costs." She gave me a half smile, and walked out the door.

As I watched her walk by my office windows, I gripped the desk. She was right. I'd be trying to justify walking away from Bones for the rest of my life. That wasn't fair to me or Hannah. I'd have to fix this. I just didn't know how.

THE END