Disclaimer: I do not own the Buffy or Angel characters.  I am not responsible for my actions while under the influence of the little voices in my head, especially my new Redneck voice (courtesy of Ly Zee). 

Dedication: This one's for Red Vampy Slayer.

Good Intentions

(Or 'Why Jericho Shouldn't Listen To the Little Voices In Her Head')

"Do you honestly think this is going to work?" asked Willow worriedly, watching Buffy dial a number on the telephone.

"Of course it's going to work," Buffy said distractly, banging the receiver on the counter.  "However, the phone isn't."

"What?"

"Listen, there's nothing: no dial tone, no ringing," said Buffy, passing the phone to Willow.

She listened for a second, then sighed and said unenthusiastically, "Looks like we're going on a quick road trip.  Yay."

"Oh no!  I do not want to go to LA!" exclaimed Buffy.  Then she thought for a second, "Or we could get some good shopping in while we're there.  Y'know, to make it worth our while."

"Shopping is definitely of the good," said Willow.  "If we want to get there with time to shop and still see Angel, we should probably leave soon."

"Wait!  We need Xander to take us!" said Buffy.

"Well, I'm sure Angel can keep him occupied while we shop."

"That's not what I meant.  What's he going to do while we talk to Angel?"

"Fight with Cordy and Wes?"

"It's a good thing Dawn is staying over with a friend.  But I'd better call Janice's mom to let her know we'll be out of town tonight."

* * * * *

"I don't want to go see Deadboy!"

"But Xander!  It's really important!" said Willow.

"I don't care.  I'm not going.  You want to go to LA and leave me with Deadboy for HOURS while you shop.  Sounds like too much fun for me," said Xander angrily.  "Next thing you know, Spike's gonna want to go, too."

"D'I hear my name?" Spike sauntered out of the bedroom.  "Where're we going?"

"Nowhere!  We're not going anywhere!" exclaimed Xander.

"Buffy and I want to go shopping in LA and we need Xander to drive, but he doesn't want to stay with Angel while we're busy," Willow explained to Spike.

"Ooo!  Sounds like fun!  I haven't seen Peaches in ages!" said Spike happily.

"You're evil, Spike," Xander glared at Spike.

Spike smirked, "Stop, you're making me blush."

"So it's settled!  Let's go!" said Buffy.

"Wait!" cried Xander.  "I never agreed to this!"

"Well, pet, I could always drive the girls there myself."

"No, no!  God, no!  You don't even THINK about touching my drive shaft," said Xander.  Spike lifted an eyebrow and smirked.  Xander blushed, "I didn't mean it like that.  Get your mind out of the gutter!"

Buffy and Willow burst out laughing as Spike smugly replied, "Why?  It seems to like it there."

"Please?" Buffy said, trying to contain her laughter.  "Xander, we'll love you forever.  And we'll never say anything about Spike touching your drive shaft."  The two girls lapsed back into their fit of hysterical laughter.

"Fine!  But I don't like this," said Xander.

Spike walked over to Xander and leered suggestively, "Don't worry, pet.  It only seems strange the first time."

"Ew!  Please don't go there, Spike!" said Xander pleadingly.

"Why not?" came the innocent reply.

"This is not the time!"

"Could be."

"No!  Look, I'll drive you all to LA, and I'll stay with Deadboy, but only if Spike keeps quiet the ENTIRE trip."

"Deal," said Buffy.

* * * * *

"Okay, we're here," said Xander.  He glanced over at the passenger's seat.  Spike was gagged and handcuffed to the door.   The vampire did not look very happy with the situation.  "By the way, I'm NOT lettiing Spike out."

"Buffy should," said Willow.  "After all, she's the one who originally did it."

"Maybe we should leave him tied up," suggested Buffy.

A muffled cry of indignation came from the gagged vampire.  Willow and Buffy just stared at Spike for a minute.  Finally Xander reached over and pulled the gag down.

"Bloody hell!  I was going ta behave.  No need to cuff me to the soddin' car," exclaimed Spike.

"Well," said Willow, "you ARE an evil vampire."

"Thanks, luv."

"I meant that even with your chip, you could still find ways to hurt us.  Especially in an enclosed area."

"I think, therefore I am dangerous.  I really am touched, honest," said Spike.  He was about to say more when the doors the hotel opened and the LA gang came rushing out.

"What's he done?  Is his chip out?  Did he kill someone?" asked Angel as he prepared to open the passenger's side door and stake Spike.

"What are you talking about, Deadboy?" asked Xander, confused.

"Peaches can sense when I'm around, Pet," said Spike.  "I'm chained to a car and I have no soul.  What would your first assumption be?"

"That someone's really kinky?" asked Willow, ducking her head.

"Oh God, just kill me now!" wailed Xander.  "Why did I ever agree to do this?"

" 'Cause someone said something naughty?" suggested Spike.

"Yeah, you!" snapped Xander.

Angel stared at the group, confused.  "So, you aren't here because of Spike?"

"No," said Xander.  "The girls want to go shopping."

Cordelia squealed, "Oh, count me in!"

Buffy stepped out of the car, "Willow and I need to talk to you, too, Angel.  Privately."

"Okay," said Angel.  "Why?"

"Can't say it in front of everyone else," said Buffy, giving Angel a duh look.  "We want to talk to you first, before we shop."

* * * * *

"You're sure Spike can't hear us?" asked Willow nervously.

"I'm positive.  Now, can you tell me why you need to speak with me so urgently?" asked Angel, a little exasperatedly.

"Uh, okay, see…" stammered Willow.  She cast her eyes around the kitchen, before focusing on something behind Angel.  "What's wrong with your toaster?"

"It's possessed," said Angel off-handedly.  "Now, why.  Are.  You.  Here?"

"We want to hook Xander and Spike up.  But we don't know how," said Buffy, turning red.

"Oh.  That'll be easy."

Buffy and Willow stared at Angel and gaped.  "What?" they exclaimed together.

"What do you mean?" asked Willow.

"It's obvious they…" Angel paused, trying to find a good way to put it, "both like each other.  I know when Spike's in love, and I've seen the way they look at each other."  Angel paused for a minute before continuing, "Plus vampires can smell pheremones, or if someone's sleeping with someone else."

"You can?" asked Buffy weakly.

"Of course."

"So, how do we do this?" asked Willow.

"Why do you want to get them together?  I just don't understand.  Spike is evil, you know," said Angel.  "It doesn't seem like a good idea."

"Y'know we thought about that for a while.   But then we thought that if Spike really wanted to get rid of us, he could, chip or no chip," said Willow.

"There's so many ways he could do it, too," supplied Buffy.  "Hire assassins, find a witch or warlock who could remove the chip, find a vampire to turn us, the possibilities are endless.  But he hasn't, and he's helping us."

"Yeah, he's been evil, but he's also been neutral.  'I judge people by what they might be, not are, nor will be,' " quoted Willow.

"Robert Browning," said Angel.

"Plus, we just want Xander to be happy.  He's been so down since Anya left for England," said Willow.

"I still can't believe she chose Giles over Xander," said Buffy.

"Uh, okay," said Angel.  "Anyway, I will help you.  Here's what we'll do."  Buffy and Willow unconsciously leaned closer.  "You said you're going shopping?"

"Yeah, might take a while," said Buffy.

"So, we'll lock them in a room together with a couple essential supplies and let nature run its course, so to speak."

The two girls looked at Angel.  Then Willow said, "That's it?  Lock them in a room with a bed and some lube?"

"They'll kill each other!" exclaimed Buffy.

"Or they'll fuck each other senseless," said Angel.  "Come to think of it, we ought to do this with Gunn and Wes.  Those two are driving me crazy."

"Huh?" asked Buffy.

"Never mind," said Angel.  "Let's do this."

* * * * *

"Come on, you two," pleaded Willow.  "We really need you to look at this sword."

"So bring it down here," said Xander.  "I'm not going upstairs."

"It's sharp and shiny.  You can touch it," said Buffy.

Spike and Xander were both sitting on the couch eating pizza, though Spike was dunking his into a mug of blood.  "Really, pet?  I can touch Angel's sword?"

"Spike!" shouted Xander and Angel at the same time.

"My, my," smirked Spike.  "Angel's sword and Xand…."

Xander interrupted Spike, "And suddenly I want to see the sword."  He hastily stood, knocking over a glass of Purple-saurus Rex kool-aid.  "Oops, sorry, Deadboy."

"It's okay, Xander.  That's just an irreplaceable rug from 14th century China.  No big deal," said Angel.

"It was?"

Angel sighed, "Joke, Xander.  That was a joke."

Xander looked chagrinned, "Oh, sorry.  The sword?"

"Spike, are you coming?" asked Angel.

"Now there's a loaded question," said Spike, lazily rising to his feet.

Xander and Spike followed the other three up the stairs.  Angel stopped in front of one of the rooms.  "Okay, it's in here," he said, gesturing for Spike and Xander to go in.

"Aren't you coming in too?" asked Xander.

"After you," said Angel.

Spike sauntered into the room, then turned and sneered at Xander, "C'mon, Pet, s'not like the room is going to soddin' bite ya or anything."

Xander glared at the bleached vampire, then walked into the room.  "Hey, I don't see any…" his words trailed off as the door shut and chanting came from the hall.  "Hey, let us out!"

"Bloody hell!  Slayer, this isn't funny!"  Spike threw himself at the door.  But it was soon obvious that Willow had placed an enchantment on the door, leaving the two men trapped.

"Well," said Xander, sitting on the edge of the bed.  "What do we do now?"  He shifted uncomfortably for a second, then pulled something out from under him.  "What is… Oh my god!"  He threw the object across the room.

"What is it, Pet?" asked Spike, as he retrieved the object.  He picked it up, looked at it, and then did a double take.  "Now we know why we're in here.  Wanna give it a go?"

"NO!"  Xander leapt off the bed and started pacing around the room.  Spike, meanwhile, began searching through the drawers of the dresser and nightstand.  "What are you doing?"

" 'M sodding snooping.  What do you think I'm doing?"  Spike pulled something from one of the drawers and crowed with delight, "Look, a radio!  Let's have some music."  He plugged it in and set the dial to a heavy metal station.

"C'mon, Spike," said Xander.  "Put something good on!"

"Like what?  Some country?  Or maybe that bloody crap they're passing off as music nowadays."

"What's wrong with country?"

"Nothing, if you're a depressed psycho-maniac with a dog-fetish who drives a truck."  Spike turned the volume up on the radio.

"That is so untrue!"

Xander reached for the radio and Spike batted his hand away, snarling, "Mine!"

"Spi-ike!" whined Xander.  "This music is giving me a headache."

"Tough, luv."  Spike smirked, "There is something you could do for me though.  Might persuade me to change my mind."  He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"No, Spike!  Now change the station," said Xander.

"Fine," Spike flipped the dial around, settling on an oldies station.  "Ooo!  Elvis!"

"Hey!  That's my line!" said Xander angrily.   Then he laughed.  The two started singing along.

Hold me close, hold me tight
Make me thrill with delight
Let me know where I stand from the start
I want you, I need you, I love you
With all my heart

Ev'ry time that you're near
All my cares disappear
Darling, you're all that I'm living for
I want you, I need you, I love you
More and more

I thought I could live without romance
Before you came to me
But now I know that
I will go on loving you eternally

Won't you please be my own?
Never leave me alone
'Cause I die ev'ry time we're apart
I want you, I need you, I love you
With all my heart

Spike flipped off the radio.

"Hey, what'd you do that for?"

"They finally left," came the reply.

"Oh, good!"  Xander went over Spike and kissed him.  "I can't believe they're trying to set us up."

"Yeah, you'd think they'd figure out we're already together."

"And it's not like we've hid it or anything."  Xander looked at the blue-eyed vampire in his arms.  "So, what're we going to do until they let us out?"

Spike fiddled with the lube that he still held and smirked, "I think we can figure something out."

* * * * *

"Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" asked Willow.

"Of course I'm sure," said Buffy, checking the jewelry racks with an appraising eye.  "Do you think I should get my bellybutton pierced?"

"What?" Willow turned back toward Buffy, surprised.  "What brought that up?"

"Well, I was thinking.  Earrings are so everyday.  I want something different, y'know.  And I can't really get an eyebrow piercing, because of the whole slayage."  At Willow's confused look, she clarified, "They get caught on stuff too easily."

"Xander has his nipples pierced.  Why don't you do that?" asked Willow, with an evil gleam in her eyes.

"Ouch!  No!  And…  Really?"

"Yep.  Had 'em done about a year ago.  I was with him when he got them."

"Why were you with…  Never mind, I don't need the answer to that," said Buffy, blushing.

"Oh, come on.  It doesn't hurt that bad."  Willow looked at Buffy for a minute.  "Fine, get your bellybutton done."

Buffy and Willow walked up to the counter to get a sales clerk.

"How can I help you?" asked the clerk in a bored voice.

"Thank you for not being perky," said Willow.  The clerk raised an eyebrow.  "Sorry, I've always wanted to say that."

"I want to get my bellybutton pierced," said Buffy.

"Have you picked a stud?"

Willow wandered off into the store, knowing Buffy would be fine by herself.  Cordelia had already gone off by herself.  She walked over to a display of leather pants and idly flipped through them, thinking about what they had done to Spike and Xander.

She felt really bad about it and decided to buy them a present to make up for the treachery.  But what to get?  Willow suddenly realized she had the perfect gift right in front of her.  She knew Xander's pants size, so his wouldn't be a problem, but what about Spike?  She found a payphone, deposited some coins, and dialed a number.

"Angel Investigations, we help the helpless."

"Wesley!" said Willow.

"Willow, is there an emergency?"

"Only of the shopping kind.  Can you get Angel?"  Willow waited a minute for Angel to pick up.

"Willow?  What do you need?"

"Do you know Spike's pants size?"

"Why would I know that?"

"Because… I don't know.  I was just hoping you did."

"Sorry to disappoint you."

"Okay, bye."  Willow hung up and turned back to the pants.  "Something else then."  She thought for a minute, then decided to go with a box of bleach for Spike and a new set of nipple rings for Xander.

* * * * *

"The tube's empty," said Spike.

"Well, do we have more?" asked Xander.

"No," Spike rolled over and sat up.  "But I bet Peaches does."  Spike went over to the door and started pounding on it.  "Oi, Peaches!  Open up!  We're out of lube in 'ere!  C'mon!"

Xander joined him, "Deadboy!  We want to fuck some more!  You didn't leave us enough lube!  Send more in!"

A note was suddenly shoved under the door.  Xander picked it up and read it out loud.  " 'Boys, if you want more lube, you are going to tell me just how long you've been together.  Angel' "

"Bloody hell, Peaches!  Why do you care?" yelled Spike.

"Because I'm your Sire and I deserve to know," came Angel's slightly muffled reply.

"How'd you know?" asked Xander curiously.

"I'm not stupid, Xander," said Angel.  "Besides, I could smell you all over each other."

" 'Be ever mindful of the Living Force, young Padawan.' " said Xander.

" 'Yes, my master.' " replied Spike.

"Why are you quoting Star Wars?" asked Angel.

"Because it seemed to fit, and….  Wait, you've seen Star Wars?  You've seen Episode 1?" asked Xander, shocked.

"Of course I have.  I may be a vampire, but I'm not dead!  I go to the movies," said Angel indignantly.  Then he said sheepishly,  "Besides, I needed to find out who Yoda was."

Spike and Xander grinned at each other.  "Well, now, Peaches.  Since you've embarrassed yourself so nicely, I guess we'll spill."

"We've been together for a year now," supplied Xander.

"A year?  What about Anya?"

"What can I say?  She likes kinky sex."

"A'course then the bint decides she doesn't want men anymore and leaves to find a girlfriend," said Spike.  "Oh, well, more Xander for me."

"Well, Xander, aren't you worried about when his chip is finally gone?"

"No, it's been gone for a while," said Xander in a condescending tone.

"What?"

"Bloody thing short-circuited months ago.  Why, Peaches?  You think I was going to go on a blood-soaked murdering rampage the second it stopped working?" asked Spike.

"Well, yes.  I apologise," said Angel contritely.

"No need.  You're right.  I did.  I just didn't kill any of the Scooby gang.  And they don't know the chip's dead either."

"I don't believe you," Angel said firmly.

"Oi!  I'm telling the bleedin' truth here!" said Spike.  He turned to Xander, who nodded.  "We've got a way for me to prove it, though."

"How?" asked Angel.

"I'm going to turn Xander right now.  Just make sure Red performs her little soul spell when she gets back."

"Spike!  You can't do that!" Angel tore the door open and entered the room.

"How'd you do that?" asked Xander, impressed.

"The spell could only be broken by the door being opened from the other side."  Angel turned to Spike, "You can't turn Xander.  I forbid it."

"Oh, you do!  Well, what about what we want, huh?" asked Xander.  "I think you're being mighty high-handed here.  What gives you the right to tell Spike he can't Sire me?"

"Uh, Sire's Right, Xan-pet.  He actually can decide for me.  But he's not my sire!  Angelus is, and he's gone, so bugger off!" snarled Spike.

"Angelus is still inside me and I can still tell you what to do!" Angel snarled right back.  "If I tell you to dust yourself, you'll do it with a smile."

Spike backed up a step.  "Easy, there, Soul-boy.  Some of that hair-gel leak into your brain?" asked Xander, moving to defending his lover.

"Move, Xander.  This doesn't concern you," said Angel dismissively.

"Oh, it most certainly does.  This IS my potential unlife you're deciding here.  And I want Spike to turn me.  I don't ever want to lose him," said Xander vehenemently.

"But the soul curse is a terrible thing.  You don't want to be subjected to that for eternity," protested Angel.

"How else can I keep my soul when I'm turned?" asked Xander.

"Well, there is one way," hedged Angel.  "But it's more like a fifty-fifty chance."

"Well?" blue and brown eyes stared at the souled vampire inquiringly.

"If I turn Xander, there's a chance that he would keep his soul."

"Do it then.  Before the bints get back," commanded Spike.

"Spike," Angel growled, narrowing his eyes.  "I didn't say I'd do it."

"Please?" Xander looked at Angel with whipped puppy eyes.  "I love Spike and I want to be with him forever."

"Please, Sire?  I love him," said Spike, kneeling in a submissive gesture.

Angel's gaze moved between the two men for several minutes before he made his decision.  "Yes."